Jaws-a-droppin'

Wow. I haven't updated in like... forever. Well I've been busy so fuck off. But before you do that, look at how hot I still am. Hair's a little longer now.

There is a lot of shit going around. Like... Nathan has a journal now which is pretty WTF considering he's such a secretive person. I mean he's tougher to get into than the FBI Headquarters on a bad day. WHICH made the journal creation surprising but not so surprising the journal abandonment. I mean, who was he kidding? >> It's frickin' Nathan. Super secret, non-trusting, scary Nathan. Doesn't matter if there is this peaceful dude trying to take his place. There are some things that are permanent with people. Like me for example. I will always be growling and horny. You can count on that like... the day only has 24 hours. Nathan is a very cynical person that is very careful with whom he cares about because he's one of those people that's been burned pretty badly. That or he just wants to control everyone because it's fun. He's a Gemini. The intentions switch.

What is even MORE surprising than Nathan getting a journal (which trust me, is shocking enough, I mean jaws dropped), is who Nathan is choosing to hang out with these days.

Man. I am like fucking Perez Hilton here. Ah whatever, you don't like it, go hump a tree. (See? I was NICE)

So he's hanging out with Earl CraPercy, who is like a big shit in England. Yeah I know he's my friend too, whatever, suck my dick. I can be a jealous fucker if I so desire. I mean, how unlikely is that?! They have NOTHING in common. At least from this perspective. Except that they both enjoy things that grow from the earth. And that is green. That's all I am saying and seeing.

What's even funnier is Nathan's current particular lovelust interest (because TRUST ME, he has plenty)... Veronique Reinard. Again, second jaw drop. She is the little queen of the school, really popular, really rich and spoiled and treats people like shit. Not only that, she likes to sleep around and pepper that with occasional kinky sex. And she is really into fashion and drinking and has the patience of a stockbroker. So... what of that SCREAMS Nathan? Well she does have a whacked sense of humor. Guess that's good or something?

Adding to that FUN... is the fact that my sister is now the center of everything. I remember when I was popular or so because I was actively modeling. My sister is popular for being a virgin and dating a school jock PLUS being chased by a teacher PLUS having a weird rocker chick as a best friend PLUS having the queen bee follow her around trying to get her to join her clique or something. And you thought that Caterina didn't have a full round up life. >>

Backing up to Nathan, Veronique hates Ashley because she slept with Nathan (according to some sources more than once) and they were friends or something and like Ashley broke a code of women or something. Point is, Veronique won't let it go and Ashley is not about to get some shit from anyone. I hate her so I am all 'Team Veronique' on this one. Then again, she's a fucking beehive, keeps stinging whenever you try to get close. I mean, she disses Veronique in her journal by complaining about how rich people this and rich people that. Makes me think that Ashley is even more narrow-minded than expected. I mean, if you REALLY think that Veronique is just a materialistic bitch and that nothing bad happens to her or that she doesn't care about anything else... stop doing drugs. Same goes for Ashley. She's not JUST about world peace. I am hoping. She's probably a lonely little pup wrapped in a bitch package.

In fact... I am so entertained right now that I will make a pretty little image on Photoshop (because I finally learned how to work that shit) and maybe IT can summarize what's currently happening.



Fun, huh.

Birthday Salutations

Happy Birthday to my other half... <3 Ich liebe dich. Can't wait to find you.

If you want to, I can save you

It's late. I might as well wait for the sunset right? I haven't been able to sleep since I've been working really hard on various projects I've left on hold.

All that I know is that I love my twin to pieces. She will always be the first and only woman in my life that will mean anything to me, along with my sister, Katzereine Cil. But you know, Caterina and I are really close. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I feel sad when truth hits either one of us, I guess we never really grew up ready for hard-hitting reality. I know it seems stupid on my part, let's be real. I've lived way too much shit. Arrests, gangs, violence of all kinds... still, nothing hurts more than an emotional blow. Those that school doesn't train you for.

I love my twin. I love my twin forever. I guess I just need to say this for a bit. So I wouldn't feel so bad just because I can't heal her. Or I can't even approach her when she's upset, angry or betrayed. She still resents me for letting her down. She still resents me for not coming to her rescue. For a knight in shinning armor on stand-by, I failed miserably.

Let's be real. I fail all the time (Math and Science class specially). It just... aches all over. I used to be her everything, she was my everything. Now she hates me for having what I have. No. It's for caring the way I do. She thinks it's stupid therefore finds my problems idiotic. But anyone would feel that way after a break-up where you are forced to find a new prince. Been kissing one too many frogs, huh.

Caterina, I really love you and I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, I'm sorry for loosing you in the process, I'm sorry. And for all those times that will surely come where I will disappoint you again. That and death are the only certain things in life. I do wish you happiness. It won't stop me from taking care of you and questioning every man that comes knocking on your door, it's my job. I'm your big brother (by 5 minutes).

I just wish... you wouldn't hate me. And it's been more than one occasion where I wish I could turn back time and be back to those days where we used to share popsicles under the sun. Or when we made sand castles that would touch the sky. Or whenever dad came by with two lollipops. Stupid memories. Happy memories.

Most of all, I'm sorry if I seem kid-like to you. I guess... I still need to grow up. But I guess it's post like these that piss you off. Well, then don't read it. I promise I'll get out of your pink hair for a while. Though... if you're ever feeling not like yourself, and you want someone to hug, stand by you, listen or just have a staring match; give me a call.

Thierry and I are good again. Yay. Sappy moment over.

My head really hurts. It's been like this since 12 AM. Sucks man. Want to seriously blow my brains out.

The crowd still cheers

Congratulations to my twin for competing on a songwriting/performance contest and excelling in the way she did. I'm very proud. And hey, who knows, maybe a collaboration is in store for us. I'll look forward to it. You did wonderful.

Now that I've ended my proud papa bear speech, I will continue to say the following: Thierry, what you told me last night was and still is a bad idea. We cannot validate our relationship that way, in fact, I'm afraid it'll make it WORSE. Hell, it might even separate us because we won't have time for ourselves... maybe we need therapy. Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it as I've been doing. I don't want to bring more attention to this because it might just be a nuisance. We all crave for attention, I guess I just lost my head back there. Along with my hair. Which I still don't miss, strange huh?

For those who are DYING to know, he liked the cut. Yes, we can all breathe safely now.

Either way... I have a lot to give to you, Thierry. The same way I would be more than willing to give all that love to a child. Maybe that IS the right way...? I'm not good at this. Might as well ask dad, he might know something. Or submit us to couples counseling. Whichever comes first.

I love you. I promise to give you no more headaches. And whatever you wish to do, I will support you.

I'm tired. I need sleep, I have plenty of compromises and appointments tomorrow (or should I say later on in the day?).

Hair... again

Thank you to all of those that had something to say about it. Whether they liked it or not, whether it was eloquently (word-of-the-day toilet paper) said or just with a jaw drop, or big eyes, or mild insinuations over my course of life.

I'm not feeling remorse yet. I'm thinking it'll come any minute now, especially after seeing all the pictures. I guess my big hair was my thing, and now I got rid of my thing, so I have nothing at the current moment. No pun intended. No comment from the Thierry or Caterina camp, I'm awaiting news from their PR.

My dad dropped his new mini buddha when he saw. I guess it's tradition, everytime a mini buddha of dad's is broken, it means something. God knows. He didn't speak but kept following me, staring at my head in sheer disbelief. He said he had never seen my head that naked, except when I was born. I could see that he was extremely worried, mostly because his eyes kept twitching. Maybe he was annoyed or something. He's forcing me into therapy because he says this is close to Britney's head-shaving-desperate-call-for-attention-before-a-breakdown.

I'm not having a breakdown. If I were on the verge of one, I wouldn't notice.

Why I did it though... that's what you're all wondering after your jaws made a hole on the floor. Someone suggested that in true J-Dorama fashion, I was making this as some weird-ass statement / symbolism that I am mourning a love, or that I feel rejected by a love or that I'm seeking a love's forgiveness. There's so many stupid tangents (wotdtp) to this theory, seriously. It's pissing me off. And you know, I have no real reason to explain myself to ANYONE but apparently this will be a bomb scare all over again if I don't.

I did it because I wanted to. Because I've been mulling it for a few days now, since that photoshoot in Atlanta, if I remember correctly. So don't be so surprised. If you are, that just goes to show how you don't take me seriously >/

I want to validate myself through this change. I want to become someone else, and by this, I will become stronger. I'm sick of arguing with people I really care about (YES YOU CATERINA, YES YOU THIERRY) on a daily basis and I am sick of them doubting every fucking little second that I actually give a flying fuck about them. I'm also sick of myself. It is not in my DNA to feel so damn weak, needy and abandoned every fucking day. People are trying, that should be more than enough for me. So this where I meet them half way. I cut away what's holding me back. I become stronger; I stop relying on people. No way in hell I'm forcing myself on someone like a burden. I can stand on my own... or at least that's something I'd like to believe.

Thierry is my reason for everything I do. Live, breathe... and more often than not I feel like he's just lugging me around, which is quite hard. You'd understand if you see his size and mine. I don't want to become a burden... but I'm being taught to share my feelings, which is honestly, the MAIN reason why things are so fucked up right now for me. People get really closed up, they become scared of me through my words or worse, they grow to hate me. My twin sister is a great example. I'm very up front, I'm very mean and I'm an oaf.

I'll be realistic, I won't say I'll keep quiet and I'll never speak again. That's what I want to do, so all the shit will just stop. But Thierry says that it's not right, I can't afford more rifts with him right now. I'm going to officially stop waiting for him to save me. He's done enough, more than enough. I don't want to loose him. Too many close-calls. I'm keeping my end of the deal, I'm taking a step in moving towards him, I just needed more courage from within to go with it. So the hair's gone. And hopefully all my insufficiencies along with it.

Stop worrying. I don't feel so broken anymore. Though that might go down the drain if Thierry hates it. We'll see.

Hair

I cut my hair.



Yeah... my big, fluffy, messy hair is gone. It's weird, man. I feel my nape is exposed. I'm not even sure if it looks good or not. I just went to my hair stylist in a daze.

I don't remember how I managed to get up so fucking early in the morning... especially after the big ass fight I had with my twin. I didn't feel like getting out of bed or even moving. But I woke up at 7 a-fucking-m, made breakfast and left. I don't know how I got to the hair place, I guess I was on automatic. Pookie is the only one that's seen it. He growled at me, I don't know what that means. Maybe he didn't recognize me without the mane.

...if you don't like it, suck it up. >/

I wonder what Thierry will think...

All I can do is keep breathing

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.

Birthday Salutations

Happy Birthday to my older sister, Katzereine ... <3

...

As for my twin, I need to seriously meet up with her and solve our shit. It's driving me insane and pissing me off like no tomorrow.

Seriously...

Now Marie has a journal. Seriously. >/ What is it with people and blogging nowadays!

Argh.

Back to watching reruns of Miami Ink.

I want to believe in more than you and me

Compared to everyone else in this sudden 'blogging' community, I'm very slow with my updates. I guess I'm the only one with half a life or a shitload of denial. Whichever really, they both suit me. I miss my twin.

Taking guitar lessons all over again has allowed me to calm down and deal with my inner crap. (I will forever remove the word demon from my vocabulary). Or at least, I can ignore it with a better excuse. Though I've had to deal with it since I had a minor breakdown in front of Thierry. That wasn't nice for me, specially because he was so surprised and he looked so hurt. Of course he didn't know, considering how careful I've been. I want to get over these things on my own... perhaps in a stupid attempt to not depend as much as I already do on him.

I really love him. I really want to make him happy. And most of all, I want him to be proud of me. Ugh. In case you're curious, my dignity is down the drain by now.

But I guess what everyone else says is true. We're too different. I never minded. I didn't care shit because I loved him, I had been lucky enough to find him and there was no way anyone was going to take him away from me. Now... I can't stop thinking that he's with me because he's forced to, or worse, used to it. He wouldn't leave me because he's used to me. Then I think, Thierry isn't like that. Thierry leaves, point period. So my insecurities are stupid but still there.

It's not my fault. I've been raised to believe that relationships don't work. I mean, seriously. Look at my parents. Knocked up at 16 with a 14 year old father, be real. Katzereine found her prince charming. I found my love. I just... don't know how to keep him when I feel I am constantly on the verge of loosing him. He tells me otherwise... I believe him. Or... at least I want to. He's been patient enough. He kissed me when I didn't deserve that reward from him. I love him for bearing with me. I love him for all that I want to be when I'm with him.

All I wish is for more confidence... I mean, how fucking hard is it for me to just live with what I have? And not be in this constant fear that he'll leave me? I want him to kiss me more. I want him to touch me more, hug me more and adore me more.

I'm too selfish. We all are. I really need to call my twin.

It's about time for us to stop believing in fairy tales. But we'll talk about this some other time.

Loving and Living - Both Extremely Hazardous

I'm back from Georgia. But guessing from the big ass question mark on your forehead, you had absolutely no idea I was gone in the first place. That's fine. I've been missing for a while either way. I had a promotional photoshoot at this fancy hotel called (appropriately) Château Élan Winery & Resort. It's very pretty, without a doubt.



It looks exactly like that when you're there, I'm not kidding. It's beautiful and apparently a favorite spot for weddings. I managed to witness two myself though quite frankly it's so fucking cold there at times I don't know how they did it. Oh before you pull the plug and run away screaming in terror, I was dressed as a groom in a make-believe wedding for the photo purposes. Quite a change since I'm traditionally half naked during my shoots. It was cool. Considering I got to live something I otherwise wouldn't have.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair. I'm getting tired of the locks. And no, I'm not SHAVING all my hair off. I'm really not in the mood to follow that fad. Just a bit shorter, maybe clean cut or not. I'm in the mood to change. I need to validate myself through this change.

Funny that my twin and I have a shit load of stuff in common. Our insecurity, our need for skin. Wow, talk about oncoming memory traffic. I just think that we both need a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of touching. Dad told me to buy this book because it'll help me out. I'm not good at expressing love and Thierry and I speak abysmally (new word) different languages. We both express love in very different ways which is why we Stockers go through constant suffering. It's not our partners fault, though I love to think otherwise >/

Watching Deal or No Deal is distracting me. Along with my voracious appetite. I miss my twin. I miss my dad. I miss my Thierry.

Anywhere you go, let me go too

Who am I to tell you that you're mine?

With not enough reasons to live,

Why do you blame me for wanting to go?

I can't see you with her anymore. I can't breathe when I'm around you. I think of thousands of ways to dispose of me, my feelings, my uncertainty, my abandonment. How come you're not here to save me? Why did you leave me to die? Why aren't you here with me, trying to forget the world by my side... If love meant so little, then why allow me to believe in it?

I'm scared, why aren't you here? Why can't you hear me when I call you? Why... why did you stop loving me? if you ever did... I don't belong where you are.

But I'm strong and I can pretend. I wish I wasn't pathetic and I wish I had you with me to tell me that I'll make it in one piece, that you'll love me no matter what. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

Why am I so lost without you? I am nothing, no one without you.

So please... don't leave me.

My little piece of happiness, my little ray of hope... I can't die first. I can close my eyes, I can drown out all the sounds, I can stop crying and I'll live among my memories of you. When you cared, when you truly loved me. Even if you weren't supposed to, you were mine and will remain that way forever. I want to go now. Somewhere far, far away, where nothing that I see will remind me of you. Where I can begin to let go... at least some part of you.

I need a lot of ice cream right now... and cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.

Breaking News

Caterina and Christian broke it off. Katzereine left Giovanni to go to Spain with Caterina. I'm taking guitar classes. Some people just have different priorities.

Sundays

I am much more relaxed now. All that coffee sure helped.

It's a Sunday, which equals boredom and... more boredom. Sad for you, the lonely traveler looking for entertainment.

I am currently at my father's house, visiting for one reason, he promised me food. And by food, I mean one of my favorite foods that don't include sausages of any kind, paella. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Ironically (or knowing my dad PLANNED), the Spaniards ate this food on Sundays. We were going to go to Katzereine's for some reason or another but Giovanni had planned ahead to whisk her to the French Riviera for some romantic breakfast/lunch/dinner and then some alone time.

Seriously... damn, I can't say anything about him. T_T

Logically he isn't cooking this. I wouldn't be here. He's about to pick it up. He lured me. And was planning on luring Caterina as well but then remembered she is on some other part of the world. Ultimately, I will spend all this day vegging, working on some songs. I'm working on one that reminds me a lot of what Christian is going through with his entire mess. A mess that better turn out as I'm expecting or he will continue with his life without a vital organ... his dick >_> Anyways, that'll be my range of activities until night time comes.

Fun. That's all I'll say :3

Rage

I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm raging and it's consuming me. I want to hurt everything and everyone in my path. It's moments like these that make me realize that I'm severely damaged and that my father must've overlooked it so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Hell, I don't want to deal with it. But it feels so nice now that I think about it. To be in this mess. That hot, bubbling sensation that corrodes my being, that makes my fingers tingle with expectation, that fucks up my lungs to the point that I can barely breathe. I feel exhilarated, I can't wait. The smell of blood and fear makes me shudder, my mouth relaxes after I lick my dry lips. And they curl. I'm intoxicated with the prospect. I'm dying (ironically) to get my hands on my kill, my defenseless prey. I'm going out for coffee tonight. For a long while, and through this I'll drown all my rage and my passive aggressive stance. Yes. Today some unlucky bastard will feel me and regret being born in the first place.

There's really no way to reach me

This update is a bit overdue I think. I've been busy, if that's what you can say I've been doing.

April's already gone by. I spent a decent Easter week. It was my father's birthday April 7th, which he got to spend with his lover in his beach estate. He ate lemon ice cream, had a party the day before (which was filled with Caterina/Jean-Luc/Christian drama). That's always interesting. And the journal bug caught Christian so I'm about to give up my strike and just accept it. Maybe Eric's next, that'll give us something to talk about.

Yesterday was Christian's birthday, which my sister took unto her to throw him a cool party in our dad's house. He was shanghaied into going to Katzereine's so they could meet up and talk. Yeah, I bet Giovanni loved that. Before that, I was in New York City with Christian for some photoshoots and culture crap we wanted to pursue. I liked it, I figured I am a big city kind of guy. I like the concrete, I love the caged feel New York gave me when I looked up at the skyline. I saw the Phantom of the Opera and Mamma Mia!, which was fun. That's a city that you need to spend a lot of time in so you can do half of what you had planned on doing.

Thierry went off on a trip again, which isn't surprising considering he's actually working. I think he's enjoying it just a bit too much. The entire traveling scheme, the recording studio, the real estate deals. Ugh. Right. I promised myself I would work on this...

Screw it. I'm alone, I'll go watch a movie (or the series Planet Earth that I bought), call Nathan to see if he's alive or not and walk Pookie, he's restless.

Tattoos and musings

I got this a few nights ago. I was drunk. I drew it on Freehand because my camera's dead and I can't take a picture of it. Not to mention it's covered and I'm lazy. It's on my left wrist. It stings a bit and I need to take care of it god knows how many times a day according to the aftercare instructions that ... crap I forgot his name. Well the tattoo artist gave them to me. In case it's not very clear, it's a T & M. Thierry & Michelangelo. I know. Shoot me.

Who am I kidding? Ego doesn't suit me. I'm slowly shedding mine. It helps me out... I hate rough patches. But I guess everyone needs to go through them every now and then. Thierry was still pissed at me so now we're talking instead of having sex. It's a new thing... I'm just glad he's kissing me and welcomed me back. I miss him way too much but I need to make more effort.

He wants a boyfriend, not a dog. Though that's strange, since I thought I was well received as a pet. It's ridiculous to say this is a year of change right? because we change all the time. I just want to make him happy. I want to make him cling to me and hold unto me when he's scared. I just want to protect him... and I will. This isn't just hoping for it. I will. He's my pet.

There, enough mushy. Back to playing Katamari. :3

And yeah I sound kind of drunk but I'm not. What's with everyone getting a journal huh? Now it's Ashley who has one. It's annoying I swear. >/ Then again, it's not because I like to have something to read.

Dad's birthday is Saturday and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to give him. Goodie.

...I wonder. People really must think I'm stupid or I'm just paranoid but I swear that Christian and Caterina have something going on. Though they're not confirming it to me. Merf. I'm too preoccupied.

Purging, because we can't breathe with venom in our veins

This might be a bit too emo for some people... deal with it. I'm purging. I need to get this out so I can sleep.

You get away with fucking with me. You get away with leaving and complaining and bitching and moaning and I don't. You get like a fucking retard, annoyed and shit just because I'm jealous. Fuck it Rink, in how many fucking languages do I have to FUCKING tell you that you're the only one for me? That, sure I get involved, but I never think of leaving you, I never ever think of giving you up or even being FAR from you. So if you think I can adjust to this shit so easy, you're wrong. I thought it was QUITE clear for us that I can't deal with this changing that is around the atmosphere. I freak out. The same way you freak out when we're out of milk or cheese. The same way you get grumpy when I leave for a business trip. I get pissed, I get jealous and I get stubborn when I don't see you everyday. If it's that fucking hard for you to deal with it, then don't fucking bother. I'll do it on my own. But if you are my BOYFRIEND, if you are the love of my life, you would have the fucking decency to understand that it's HARD for me. I don't need the extra freedom that you so crave. And that's my fault, that's my damage. It's something I was willing to work on if I had you with me. Not like this. Not when you're distant. God knows what you're thinking and this would be easier if I could just TALK to you. But we don't talk, we just fuck all the time. That's how I got reassured. So I'm at fault here, I know this. I'm not turning this around, I'm not being a victim. I ADMIT MY FAULT. I want to work on it. I want to change. I want to be in the same page as you because if our relationship turns out to be that much of a burden, then there's no option but to change. I'm not loosing you under any circumstances. I'm not a man of words. I can't talk as freely or as easily as anyone else and it pisses me off because I just swallow it and grow to hate everything and everyone around me. So take your time. Be pissed. Here I thought that jealousy was some sort of REWARD to you. Sometimes I'm dying to ask you what the hell do you WANT from me? What do you NEED from me that it's so fucking hard for you to settle?! I am a walking disaster, I am a mess and I suck everyone in. We have that down. But as of today, tonight, I'm giving that up. I know people need me, I know people rely on me. You make me think too damn much. I walked into this mess, I jumped into my hole and buried myself in it so I have to climb out of it. I want you to help me, but as Nathan said, I can't expect you to. So you're not going to. I'm not doubting anymore. I'm not going to bother with thinking about these things. The more you entertain such shit, you start believing all your lies. So I am back here to the point where I wonder just how much right do I have over you? Then I think that I have no right to think in the first place. My father said it best. If you're a pet, you're not supposed to be thinking so much. You settle for what you're given. I'm not insinuating that you're not giving me anything. But I'm going back to that. Wow, I'm going back to a lot of things. Pets don't worry about anything except being fed. And being fucked or given love every now and then. I'm not going to manipulate you through my pain anymore. You're entitled to live and be free. That's what I'm being brainwashed by myself to believe in. You are entitled to choose. I can't choose for you anymore. I'm practically begging you, wordlessly for attention. It seriously borders on pathetic. I'm sick of being the hurt puppy dog, I'm a doberman. I don't need anything. I need to learn how to talk and stop thinking so damn much. I'll get a post it and put it on my forehead. My father also told me that repetition was good for the soul. I have to seriously work out or something...

I'm sorry, for all that I'm making you go through, for making you feel overwhelmed and for driving you insane. I'm sorry.

Used To
Daughtry

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me..the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way
I used to listen, you always had just the right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow to anywhere at all

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I look around me and I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you-it's empty and you're sad
Cause you miss the love that we had
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around...

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

-

Great song. Get it.

Now I'm going to sleep next to my twin, she's probably having wet dreams by now. I hope I get to sleep now. Though I need Rink for that... his plushie will do.

Renovation

I'm bored and Caterina got a journal.

So...
*drum roll*
I talked to Nathan.

Audience: *gasp*

It was... interesting. We had a match but then it was all resolved when we went to drink. He bitched about all the things I did to him and I listened. I was glad that we met again. Normally, people don't get second chances. Having him back in my life gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Aw corny, you can all throw up now.

I'm not a really social person in case you haven't noticed. Big shocker, huh. I'm not someone who has many friends, I can't keep them. I tend to focus on fucking or work or music. So when he came back, when he reminded me what it was to have friends... it was so pathetic, I wanted to hurt myself. It made me feel that I'm a horribly inadequate human being and not to mention, unbelievably selfish, egotistical and self-centered. I don't want anyone that I'm close with have anyone but me.

Audience: :O

I'm horrid I know. I'm trying to open my mind, which it's hard for something that's been built with cement. I know that Thierry is happier now. He doesn't take himself too seriously. I feel bad becoming conceited as I am but I'm glad... I think. He's happy. He's free but he's grounded.

My twin sister came back. At first, I was shocked and pissed at her for coming back. She's one that likes to travel a lot, in those travels we lost touch. We've always been very close since we were born. We told each other everything and shared a connection most people would find impossible, but I guess everything's explained by the simply fact that we're twins. Whatever the case, it was a very rocky start. I exploded just by looking her, I was yelling and scolding her to boot. After A LOT of yelling and insults... we got around to getting to know each other again. It was nice. I realized that I also needed her desperately in my life. She used to be my little ray of sunshine. We've bonded, to say the least, in a small amount of time. She's the sweetest little thing and I truly hate the world more (is that possible?) for what it's done to her. Shit happens and it hurts, it hurts really bad. I'm just trying to be with her all the time because she needs me.

But I guess I'm just expressing my escapism. My own reality is just fucked up. I want to believe that I can be grounded by her. I love her so much but I'm lost too. But I want my lack of direction to not interfere with what I'm doing. I really want to help her... not because I have to. But because I just want to. I need to. It makes me feel better.

I'm frequently underestimated... that's good, right?

You see these shackles baby I'm your slave

I haven't written in over a year. Wow. I guess after a while you just really loose touch or you just get bored of hearing yourself talk so much crap without means to an end. It gets particularly annoying when you're desperate to crawl out of your skin, like me. Maybe I am an angst monster and I like to feed off it. So sue me. I get overly emotional with people I really care about, so yeah, there I go. I've met my downfall.

I'm getting therapy. It seems more like torture but at least I have proven to myself that my father is not a complete failure as psychiatrist. He's pretty good at what he does. Hopefully he won't read this and fill himself with shitty pride.

So why am I getting therapy? A series of reasons. Mostly the inadequate way in which I handle my feelings. Feelings that were not supposed to be there, feelings that were apparently hiding underneath the surface. Vati (that's dad in german for those who want to learn something new) recommended that I write because it helps to clear my head.

...

So I'll cut the crap. I love Thierry (Rink) to pieces. I can't live without him and I can't function without him. However... I can't get over Nathan. I see him, I freak. Hmm. I wrote him a letter, sent it and I got a reply. A reply which pissed me off to no end and made me feel like a car ran over me and then backed up on me. I'd rather not share the reply to that letter, other than the fact that we're meeting up on a church. Weird, like Nathan. That fucker wants to mess with my head, I can feel it. Whatever. I don't want to see him anymore but I WILL.

ANOTHER thing that is really getting on my nerves is my boyfriend's best friend, Lawrence aka Laurie. Yes, you're reading correcty. Laurie like the little women character. Apparently his mom had a thing for that book and decided to play a trick on her son, ruining his life thereafter. I mean seriously. Technically speaking, Laurence (as it is properly written in Little Women) is the character's last name. Though, if the Laurie I know were named THEODORE or TEDDY, oh I solemnly swear I will never allow him to live in peace. Wow, so many lines and I'm barely in his name. Whatever the case, this guy is Thierry's best friend and has been after him ever since I met him. I hate him, with all due honesty. I want to hurt him. He's a manipulative little asshole that is slowly warming his way into my boyfriend's heart.

Here's the part where Vati would frown at me and send me straight to hell for not wanting my boyfriend to extend his ties and create more relationships. In my opinion, why should he get any if he has me? >/

p.s. FUCK NATHAN. >/ Fucking prick summoned the green monster on me.
p.s.s. I just bought a tequila bottle. I'm nervous, can you tell? Nothing a good Jose Cuervo can't fix.

Letter to Nathan

Nathan:

I’m really bad at writing letters. Mostly because I don’t know what the hell to say but I want us to solve this. So I’m cutting the crap and going straight to the point.

I’m not over you asshole. I thought I was because of all the time that has passed but I’m clearly not. Seriously. I can’t be over you if I freeze the moment I see you or I want to go the other way or I just want to beat you to a pulp. Normally the latter is the one that resurfaces first. I have hurt you so damn much but I can’t stop myself from going to you, seeking you out. And I know that the more I keep in touch with you, the more I’ll want you near me and the more I will want to see you... subsequently the more I want to kiss you.

Though it doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving Rink. I still love him. A lot. I can’t live without that little French whore. Yet... I love you too. I thought if I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I have feelings for you, then maybe I could slip right into friends and be cool. I suck, I can’t.

I’m too fucking greedy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hitting you, for insulting you and for pushing you away when you were trying to help me. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep you next to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve made you go through. I’m sorry that I’m making you hate me in some way or another, or at least that’s what I think. I’m sorry for everything; it’s not enough... I know.

I want us to talk. I want to solve this. I don’t know how to, except to make you talk or hit me or get your anger out, one way or another. I want to know what you think about all of this. I hate it that I can’t be near you without making a mess of things.

And honestly, I don’t have any kind of excuses for you and for all that I’ve done. I’m still involved in the same process when it comes to coping. Why the hell should you care about that is beyond me. I suck. I really do. I just mope a lot. And want to hurt myself and I’m hoping you’ll come to help. I can’t ask you for that.

I want to help you. I really do. More than I want you to help me... well not completely, because I really miss you and I need you. Though I do want to help you.

I want to see you Nathan. Please. I need to see you. I’m ready to receive whatever it is you think I deserve.

-Michel

Inside my mind

I can’t escape. I’ve been trying relentlessly to disconnect, to forget, to erase. Your sing song voice calling my name ever so sweetly, beckoning me to come.
“I want omelettes...” you plead, your eyelashes batting coquettishly.
I stare at you silently, wondering how do I ever plan to run away from you as I pick up a few eggs from their case. Even in moments like this, I can feel you prickling inside my skin. I sit in my car; I smell your lingering perfume. I can taste your lips in mine.
In that second, your phone rings, you pick up with unusual speed and answer coyly;
“Allo?”
Even you can’t resist yourself and your French allure. I give you my back as I stir the ingredients in the bowl. My thoughts are getting the best of me. I want to punish you. I want to hurt you.

Catalyst

So you smile in that intoxicating way I know, asking me softly, your lips curling into a smile.
“Where have you been?”
When I want to ask the same but I’m afraid I’ll know the answer.
If you were with him; smiling in that intoxicating way that was only mine... then I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m not ready to just walk. I gave up forever for you, and that same way, I’ll give up my sight. When I’m not supposed to know, when I’m not even supposed to care... things flow easier. Since we never said we were supposed to be there. But I don’t mind being part of the mess that you’re making, because I can see beauty and perfection in every mistake that you think you’ve made. And yet... your hands are busy, holding each and every dream of those who love you with their eyes. How could you hold mine? I’m not offering them to you. They’re stashed in my pocket. Because now, at this moment, I can close my eyes... and I forget every smile, I forget every word, I forget every touch, I forget you...
But you won’t leave me. You’re there, in my mind, in my lips, in my clothes. My eyes are open. I can see you. Instead, my lips tighten and I look elsewhere.