All I can do is keep breathing

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.