Compared to everyone else in this sudden 'blogging' community, I'm very slow with my updates. I guess I'm the only one with half a life or a shitload of denial. Whichever really, they both suit me. I miss my twin.
Taking guitar lessons all over again has allowed me to calm down and deal with my inner crap. (I will forever remove the word demon from my vocabulary). Or at least, I can ignore it with a better excuse. Though I've had to deal with it since I had a minor breakdown in front of Thierry. That wasn't nice for me, specially because he was so surprised and he looked so hurt. Of course he didn't know, considering how careful I've been. I want to get over these things on my own... perhaps in a stupid attempt to not depend as much as I already do on him.
I really love him. I really want to make him happy. And most of all, I want him to be proud of me. Ugh. In case you're curious, my dignity is down the drain by now.
But I guess what everyone else says is true. We're too different. I never minded. I didn't care shit because I loved him, I had been lucky enough to find him and there was no way anyone was going to take him away from me. Now... I can't stop thinking that he's with me because he's forced to, or worse, used to it. He wouldn't leave me because he's used to me. Then I think, Thierry isn't like that. Thierry leaves, point period. So my insecurities are stupid but still there.
It's not my fault. I've been raised to believe that relationships don't work. I mean, seriously. Look at my parents. Knocked up at 16 with a 14 year old father, be real. Katzereine found her prince charming. I found my love. I just... don't know how to keep him when I feel I am constantly on the verge of loosing him. He tells me otherwise... I believe him. Or... at least I want to. He's been patient enough. He kissed me when I didn't deserve that reward from him. I love him for bearing with me. I love him for all that I want to be when I'm with him.
All I wish is for more confidence... I mean, how fucking hard is it for me to just live with what I have? And not be in this constant fear that he'll leave me? I want him to kiss me more. I want him to touch me more, hug me more and adore me more.
I'm too selfish. We all are. I really need to call my twin.
It's about time for us to stop believing in fairy tales. But we'll talk about this some other time.
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