Letter to Nathan

Nathan:

I’m really bad at writing letters. Mostly because I don’t know what the hell to say but I want us to solve this. So I’m cutting the crap and going straight to the point.

I’m not over you asshole. I thought I was because of all the time that has passed but I’m clearly not. Seriously. I can’t be over you if I freeze the moment I see you or I want to go the other way or I just want to beat you to a pulp. Normally the latter is the one that resurfaces first. I have hurt you so damn much but I can’t stop myself from going to you, seeking you out. And I know that the more I keep in touch with you, the more I’ll want you near me and the more I will want to see you... subsequently the more I want to kiss you.

Though it doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving Rink. I still love him. A lot. I can’t live without that little French whore. Yet... I love you too. I thought if I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I have feelings for you, then maybe I could slip right into friends and be cool. I suck, I can’t.

I’m too fucking greedy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hitting you, for insulting you and for pushing you away when you were trying to help me. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep you next to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve made you go through. I’m sorry that I’m making you hate me in some way or another, or at least that’s what I think. I’m sorry for everything; it’s not enough... I know.

I want us to talk. I want to solve this. I don’t know how to, except to make you talk or hit me or get your anger out, one way or another. I want to know what you think about all of this. I hate it that I can’t be near you without making a mess of things.

And honestly, I don’t have any kind of excuses for you and for all that I’ve done. I’m still involved in the same process when it comes to coping. Why the hell should you care about that is beyond me. I suck. I really do. I just mope a lot. And want to hurt myself and I’m hoping you’ll come to help. I can’t ask you for that.

I want to help you. I really do. More than I want you to help me... well not completely, because I really miss you and I need you. Though I do want to help you.

I want to see you Nathan. Please. I need to see you. I’m ready to receive whatever it is you think I deserve.

-Michel