Purging, because we can't breathe with venom in our veins

This might be a bit too emo for some people... deal with it. I'm purging. I need to get this out so I can sleep.

You get away with fucking with me. You get away with leaving and complaining and bitching and moaning and I don't. You get like a fucking retard, annoyed and shit just because I'm jealous. Fuck it Rink, in how many fucking languages do I have to FUCKING tell you that you're the only one for me? That, sure I get involved, but I never think of leaving you, I never ever think of giving you up or even being FAR from you. So if you think I can adjust to this shit so easy, you're wrong. I thought it was QUITE clear for us that I can't deal with this changing that is around the atmosphere. I freak out. The same way you freak out when we're out of milk or cheese. The same way you get grumpy when I leave for a business trip. I get pissed, I get jealous and I get stubborn when I don't see you everyday. If it's that fucking hard for you to deal with it, then don't fucking bother. I'll do it on my own. But if you are my BOYFRIEND, if you are the love of my life, you would have the fucking decency to understand that it's HARD for me. I don't need the extra freedom that you so crave. And that's my fault, that's my damage. It's something I was willing to work on if I had you with me. Not like this. Not when you're distant. God knows what you're thinking and this would be easier if I could just TALK to you. But we don't talk, we just fuck all the time. That's how I got reassured. So I'm at fault here, I know this. I'm not turning this around, I'm not being a victim. I ADMIT MY FAULT. I want to work on it. I want to change. I want to be in the same page as you because if our relationship turns out to be that much of a burden, then there's no option but to change. I'm not loosing you under any circumstances. I'm not a man of words. I can't talk as freely or as easily as anyone else and it pisses me off because I just swallow it and grow to hate everything and everyone around me. So take your time. Be pissed. Here I thought that jealousy was some sort of REWARD to you. Sometimes I'm dying to ask you what the hell do you WANT from me? What do you NEED from me that it's so fucking hard for you to settle?! I am a walking disaster, I am a mess and I suck everyone in. We have that down. But as of today, tonight, I'm giving that up. I know people need me, I know people rely on me. You make me think too damn much. I walked into this mess, I jumped into my hole and buried myself in it so I have to climb out of it. I want you to help me, but as Nathan said, I can't expect you to. So you're not going to. I'm not doubting anymore. I'm not going to bother with thinking about these things. The more you entertain such shit, you start believing all your lies. So I am back here to the point where I wonder just how much right do I have over you? Then I think that I have no right to think in the first place. My father said it best. If you're a pet, you're not supposed to be thinking so much. You settle for what you're given. I'm not insinuating that you're not giving me anything. But I'm going back to that. Wow, I'm going back to a lot of things. Pets don't worry about anything except being fed. And being fucked or given love every now and then. I'm not going to manipulate you through my pain anymore. You're entitled to live and be free. That's what I'm being brainwashed by myself to believe in. You are entitled to choose. I can't choose for you anymore. I'm practically begging you, wordlessly for attention. It seriously borders on pathetic. I'm sick of being the hurt puppy dog, I'm a doberman. I don't need anything. I need to learn how to talk and stop thinking so damn much. I'll get a post it and put it on my forehead. My father also told me that repetition was good for the soul. I have to seriously work out or something...

I'm sorry, for all that I'm making you go through, for making you feel overwhelmed and for driving you insane. I'm sorry.

Used To
Daughtry

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me..the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way
I used to listen, you always had just the right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow to anywhere at all

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I look around me and I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you-it's empty and you're sad
Cause you miss the love that we had
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around...

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

-

Great song. Get it.

Now I'm going to sleep next to my twin, she's probably having wet dreams by now. I hope I get to sleep now. Though I need Rink for that... his plushie will do.