Renovation

I'm bored and Caterina got a journal.

So...
*drum roll*
I talked to Nathan.

Audience: *gasp*

It was... interesting. We had a match but then it was all resolved when we went to drink. He bitched about all the things I did to him and I listened. I was glad that we met again. Normally, people don't get second chances. Having him back in my life gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Aw corny, you can all throw up now.

I'm not a really social person in case you haven't noticed. Big shocker, huh. I'm not someone who has many friends, I can't keep them. I tend to focus on fucking or work or music. So when he came back, when he reminded me what it was to have friends... it was so pathetic, I wanted to hurt myself. It made me feel that I'm a horribly inadequate human being and not to mention, unbelievably selfish, egotistical and self-centered. I don't want anyone that I'm close with have anyone but me.

Audience: :O

I'm horrid I know. I'm trying to open my mind, which it's hard for something that's been built with cement. I know that Thierry is happier now. He doesn't take himself too seriously. I feel bad becoming conceited as I am but I'm glad... I think. He's happy. He's free but he's grounded.

My twin sister came back. At first, I was shocked and pissed at her for coming back. She's one that likes to travel a lot, in those travels we lost touch. We've always been very close since we were born. We told each other everything and shared a connection most people would find impossible, but I guess everything's explained by the simply fact that we're twins. Whatever the case, it was a very rocky start. I exploded just by looking her, I was yelling and scolding her to boot. After A LOT of yelling and insults... we got around to getting to know each other again. It was nice. I realized that I also needed her desperately in my life. She used to be my little ray of sunshine. We've bonded, to say the least, in a small amount of time. She's the sweetest little thing and I truly hate the world more (is that possible?) for what it's done to her. Shit happens and it hurts, it hurts really bad. I'm just trying to be with her all the time because she needs me.

But I guess I'm just expressing my escapism. My own reality is just fucked up. I want to believe that I can be grounded by her. I love her so much but I'm lost too. But I want my lack of direction to not interfere with what I'm doing. I really want to help her... not because I have to. But because I just want to. I need to. It makes me feel better.

I'm frequently underestimated... that's good, right?