@ NYC - 2

Got to hear Rink's voice today, M-I-R-A-C-L-E. It got me so happy [well, as happy as a guy like me could be -_-;] but bad me hasn't written the demn postcard yet, mostly because I don't want to sound sappy or desperate but I do want to make it clear that I miss him alot.
I miss my Rink.
Benjamin has been good though. I didn't go out today and he stayed. We watched movies and stuff. I didn't get 'The Hours' and 'Ringu' was too strange. Had to order our food though and here I will keep my comments to myself. XD
The temperature is quite hot inside the appartment, I'm about to go naked, it's steaming >_<
Well... nothing else to ramble about and now I will think hard and WILL write that postcard!

Example:
Rink:
Hey Kinky Boy... j/k. Currently at the Big Apple as you could imagine and quite far from 'Acronym'. I'm really planning to quit the band, it's becoming too frustrating I've gone sightseeing though I'm still missing the museums and all that fancy artsy stuff you like. I've gone shopping and walking around. Lost a few lbs. Whee. More bones for me. Exciting.
[...]

Back to naked.

@ NYC - 1

I feel... strangely detached. I hooked up with Benjamin after the most frustrating 13 hours of my existence. I H*A*T*E planes, I really do. I hate airports and all that crap. I hate to think that I have to go back into one to go home.
Meh.
It was unexpected seeing Benjamin waiting for me at the airport. Refreshing, it's true. It was nice seeing a familiar face among all those people with long and expectant expressions. We took off and crashed in his place in Manhattan. I told him I was going to stay somewhere else but then I didn't care about getting away from Acronym's manager. The guy gets on my nerves, I hate him and there is no way he's gonna get around harrassing on my stay in New York. Fuck him. He can fuck himself with a microphone for all I care.
I need a vacation. We have a concert the 31st in Madison Square Garden to say buh-bye to the Old Year and welcome the New Year. Perhaps the only time in this trip that I'll see Acronym.
After that we stay for three more days and then we go back home.
Went to the Benjamin-- I mean Rockefeller Center and shopped around for Ben's present. It's a tradition. We buy our gifts after the 25th to take advantage of the massive sales. I bought him a new watch and he bought me a new wallet. Mine was all crammy. Sad.
I miss home.
I miss Caterina and I wonder if she's nearby. I haven't heard from her in ages.
I miss Rink too.
I wonder how Rink is. Probably too absorbed in his snow and skiing and doing all those fancy things he loves doing.
No snow here. Boo.
I feel lost. I feel out of it. I walked all the way from 5th Avenue to Chambers St, because I was so off in my thoughts... and the best part was that I didn't notice crap. Aren't I amazing? ;) [for those who are ignorant, they are quite far from each other, I mean I went from Midtown to Lower Manhattan].
No plans for tomorrow. I'll probably just mope around and wonder what and when am I going to write something for Rink...
Hmmm... Ben got home. He bought Eggo for breakfast. You'd think he would have a chef or something -_-;
I want yogurt, I'll go to my room and be random now.

Tears and gasoline

Vero cried in my arms tonight.

She was sobbing incessantly yet she tried her best to keep it silent. She felt her heart grow weaker by the second. She whispered, she pleaded to know why she couldn't be loved the same way as others? Why did everyone hate her? Where was the Prince Charming that would look past all this, that would see the needy Vero? No one had come. She thought Rink was the one, but he only opened the wound even more. She hates men. She hates them all. Talk about unrequited love. She said she hated me too, she blamed me for Rink leaving her. The sorry little goth princess, with her small body trembling. I think of Rink and his current 'prey' if I do say so myself and I feel sorry for the girl. She loves Rink, it's obvious. He once said it himself that he's here to cause havoc. She's a dangerous cookie, in the sense of her disproportioned powers. She should have been reasonable, remained there sitting down until Rink would come back and yell again and lock her up and the endless cycle would repeat itself. And I would smile silently, the dry rose in my arms already thrusting me her thorns. She hates me, she hates me... oh sweet child, you are so innocent.

There are times in which I want to close my eyes and remain forever in a drugfilled sleep. I want to cry out and then slump in the hard cold concrete. I would count the stars and close my eyes. What is life expecting of me? it's poking me so much that it's hard to ignore.

She talks again, she'll burn her diary. She condemened herself in her diary she says.

It's been 8 months already. Seems like time hasn't even begun sliding.
I want his sweet honey...

She finally regains herself and leaves quickly, almost wanting to hide the tears that slide down her cheeks. I turn my face and look up the frightening sky. I don't hesitate, nor do I wonder. I feel empty again but I don't mind. I'm so jealous. I don't want his attention, nor his creativity to be directed to such a frivalous cause as herself. The little demon. I care not what she is. If we are all naming each other then I'm a killer.

I'm still looking up, that torticollis will be the death of me tonight but I don't care now. I'm taken by a sparkling red star, I know it's Altair. I read about it once, in one of those rare moments where a book managed to fall in my hands. How can people live still in the past? or think about the future? Who am I to judge?

I hate parties, social gatherings, large congregations of people, I would hate concerts too but since there is a distance between the audience and myself, I can live with it. Though of course, I approach, why wouldn't I? I'm not that cruel.
Rink's little dollies.

I sit down now, my legs are hurting, the wind is getting colder and colder... finally. I hum that silly love song that everyone loves. I laugh to myself. I'm no wise man, I know nothing of the universe and it's secrets, but I do know this.

Rink is gasoline.

Uuh, new definition! ahem.

My nose hurts, it's cold.

Daylight saving--what exactly?

So yeah, this has nothing to do with the above subject but it's not like I really care. Rink has just 'accused' me of being an 'existencialism' follower. Meaning I question my existance and the reason of it.
The fact that this has a term makes me angry. I don't want to belong to that or anything of that kind. It's stupid really. It's all his fault. But I don't want to get into that since that will depress me and I'm already a sorry soul as it is.

I'm really sick and tired of being like I am currently so starting from tomorrow, I'll take a vow of silence, atleast for 24 hours straight. I need to achieve and recover back, that part of what I believed was me.

I write him letters and the bastard doesn't even bother to reply. I'm physically and mentally exhausted... I have reached that point and I'm tired of it. Not him. IT. The way my life is going. I really feel he's being a dick and not even taking me into consideration. Then again I look at Vero and well...

But that's the thing! that's his system! that little bugger *shakes fist*

It's late

My nose is hurting from all the cold I made it go through. I've been looking for Rink for more than an hour, two or three minimun. I'm beat. He can come home whenever the fuck he wants. I hate these rendez-vous. I hate feeling so self-concious about my degree of selfishness and above all, I hate the feeling of change. I feel so lost and trapped. I hate sharing with people, I hate walking among them, I want to stay forever in this little coccoon in my room. Safe, undisturbed. I could care less of the world right now, I don't understand why my body reacts differently from what I think.

I wonder how Veronique feels, trapped in her glass world.

My wall of concrete has been torn, makes me feel exposed and not like my pictures. I want my wall back. I don't want to feel like this, so free and so many positive and happy thoughts. It's SICKENING. I want to go back into the subtle depressive world I lived in, I thrived there.

My core feels hot and bubbly, when in reality it should be icy and stone hard. I want to go to sleep, forever. But not in death, I'm not done yet in life to die.

I hate myself. I don't know why.
I hate the way I can't understand my own feelings
I hate the way I make everyone unhappy.
I don't hate my selfishness, without that, I wouldn't be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel so suffocated.

Little asshole came back NOW. How I want to hang him by his balls and how much I have to contain myself so I don't do anything irrational like cutting his head off and drinking his blood. And the best part? It's all on purpose, he 'planned' this in a way. He planned these reactions, he wanted them, he went out to look for them. It's either that or he's got some nerve... ¬¬

For real, I'm sick of this. I can't STAND this vulnerability that has been trying to take over me. I'm going back into being that bastardic son of a bitch S&M asshole or I'm gonna die sooner than anyone expects.

*1st thing, get rid of the "!" in my posts. They are not part of my character.
*2nd thing, no more laughing or smiling or being that lovey dovey or anything related to any of these areas.
*3rd thing, limit contact with people.
*4th thing, keep silence, no more talking unless it's absolutely necessary.
*5th thing, get a gun to see if I feel like a fit in some other realm, like HELL.
*6th thing, stop caring.
*7th thing, live in oblivion and submerged in songs.
*8th thing, no more corny/cliche shit. My reputation is on the line, as is my ego.
*9th thing, stop being obsessive/stupid/illogical/clingy. You are irking others and yourself.
*10th thing, lather + rinse + repeat (all these steps) = the Michelangelo we all know.

I hate the "oh-dear-he's-so-troubled" kind of crap. Leave me alone. Demn you.

Crap, I suck

I'm so fucking obsessed my head's swimming. I'm obsessed with him in every possible way. I can't have it that he talks to anyone that could hurt him, I can't have it that he goes away for too long, I can't have it that he loves someone in some other dimension shit, I can't have it that he ignores me or anything even closely related. I feel like such a fucking piece of shit. I want to get hurt, I want to build this stone wall around me where I can play my music quietly. I want to be trapped where I could torture myself by writing lots of songs, all intertwined with him. I would write about his future, about his present, about the world he made me believe existed, about the damage he did to my being... and you know what? I would be fine. I wouldn't need anything. I could rot there, but happy. I would love to have him there but how wrong or bad do you have it when you are so confused? I mean, can a specific feeling be THIS overwhealming and engulfing to the point of blindness?

And so it is.

I feel like crap and not sentimentally speaking. I mean, my stomach is a big piece of shit right now, churning. I think I'll throw up. Been too long on the computer, been eating too much junk. Oi.

On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Veronique.

W-o-w

Yesterday was quite... the adventure...? I dunno how I'd describe it.

I was done. O_O

That's just wroooooooooooooong in my book.

I'm... angry.

Yeah.

He was this dominatrix one moment and the next, kapoosh! He's some depressive dude whose avoiding me.

Got me so horny today, I fell of sleep of exhaustion. Leaving that bit to your imagination.

He fucked hard last night, makes you think, no wonder he gets bored so easily! He's like this energizer bunny which, no matter how many times you take the batteries off [or you try to for that matter], he keeps on going and going and going... I admire that in him. I couldn't stand THAT much, though of course, I could always be superman and make a super effort to give a super orgasm. *nods*

Damn, my ass hurts still >_<

Ordered some pizza, no feeling for some cooking.

I scared him and Ashley today. They were running from me in school and I was just following them, at my own pace. Dunno how I found them. They were scared shitless. I smiled. Funny.

But then the day was slow and slouchy. Good grades in Biology, Literature and French. Don't ask for the rest. It's too sad, too sad I tell you.

I've been thinking of having my own site where I can post my journal entries and then send notices of update to the members in my list XD which should be like what... 1? 2 max?

I'm going on a school trip Friday. So no updates [for myself :P] there. Hmm. Should announce that in a while.
ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm going fucking INSANE!!!!!!!! where is he??! I want to do him already! I want to be over him!! *stomps*

Yeah I got so mad at him last night even if......... it was good. I was too O_O to take that fact into consideration. He sure ain't no sweetums angelic being. He's a leather clad devul. It was fucking GOOD. Wow, just thinking about it makes me weak in the knees. Talk about a crash course.

I should be put in jail for my babblings.

Positive thing from this experience: I learned that I am:
1. Tight
2. A good fuck
3. ...?
4. Can't follow orders properly.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Face is itching. Talk about a new level of intimacy.

--

Happy Birthday to Giovanni... <3

Huh...

...did I miss something?

Never enough

How could I not detest them right now? Especially her, for taking what is mine, for falling in love so deeply and him, for confusing us, making me confused and unsure of what to believe. I want to believe him, everything he says, I want to be calm and not fret so much about what is really happening between them. First my sister and now him… I take it back what I said in the previous post, I DO hate the Deltons and now more than ever. They take away everything I love and on top of it all, they try to get me as well! Well they can pretty much fuck themselves because I won’t do shit. I hate them. I hate them.
*sigh* I hate being held in this dimension in which I’m truly beyond alone…
I hate you all, damn you for ruining all that I had.

I cried today

Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.

But if this was so... how come they were so salty?

My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.

After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?

I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.

I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.

What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.

Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!

Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!

So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.

I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?

It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.

<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.

I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.

I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.

Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".

I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.

I live for you, so----

DEMN, so clingy!

*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*

RESUME: I suck.

---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*

I can give you stars

I have no idea why that line there gives me this awful gut-wrenching melancholy.

Maybe because Rink is already focusing on Ashley, maybe because he's gone hetero and for the time being so will I [or I'll fool myself to believe that], maybe because he already found a song for them and they are not even together [yet].

So this is the so-called MISERY. How I drag her, riding on my back as she hammers my head with her words. Oh how it hurts right now.

I did something nice for someone I just met in the net. I couldn't stand one more miserable being like myself, I would murder. Had to change that. I want to be miserable alone.

I hate Rink right now. He should rot up in hell with Ashley and die there... ok, maybe he could rot up in a cage by my bedside.
I'm so fucking down, I'm so gloomed, I'm so unhappy with everything and everyone. I have stacks of cookies and coke to prevent me from killing myself. The tummy will do that for me.

I miss Caterina. I want her here.

Dude the migrane is driving me INSANE.

Back

Isn't that obvious though? Ahem. I have been back for more than a few weekends, just been to lazy and busy with school work to stop here and write. Tomorrow we are having an expo on our Art Class' Fascination project. We had to pick something/someone that fascinates us and you could either take pictures or draw. Given the fact that I have no skills with my hands [drawing] whatsoever, I opted for photography. I don't really like doing projects. They are so fucking tedious. Good thing that I'm almot graduating. I can't wait.

So I'm with Dickhead Delton again. Whee. Hate my grade, hate my classes. This sucks. Now I'll be gone...

ZzzZzz....

It was Rink's birthday a few days ago...

Trip

I'm leaving tomorrow to Puerto Rico. Meeting over with Veronique there. We always take these weekend vacations together, some sort of de-stress technique. Leaving a lot of shit and problems behind so I'm quite eager. Plane leaves at 8 am. *shudders* I hate planes.

So yeah, if you love me, send me an e-mail and if you don't, send me one too. Though I won't have a flying fuck of an idea of who YOU are, I'll make me deliriously happy ;)

Pffft.

Eyes are sore and so is rest of my body, and I haven't packed. I'm buying Rink a hamster [which I'll be taking care of by the end of the ordeal]. I'll be getting myself a female.

So yeah...

Take care everyone.

We broke up. Get ready.

We broke up last night, at midnight.

We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.

. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .

I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...

Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.

But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.

After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.

Ahem.

I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.

I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.

I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.

I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.

Your twin,
Michelangelo

That was depressing...

. . .

Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.

I got hurt.

Goodness

I'm going to fuck her. I am a sex machine. So this is what I used to do before I went right unto his trap... make them believe I want them, that I can't live without them, giving them so much pleasure they might burst. Indeed. I'm going to fuck Lucille.

Ranting away

So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.

Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.

It just happened to me.

It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.

Why I wonder...

I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.

Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.

Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.

Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.

If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!

I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.

WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.

. . .

Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.

*groans*

I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.

Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.

Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*

Ecstasy and bliss

Not even I can believe that those words are truly in the subject head but then again, today has been the day of many miracles. This week, that had started out with a load of shit just for me, has given me something that I think not even the Gods in Olympus predicted. We did it. I did. I didn't think about here, now, past or future. I just felt the undeniable surge of lust and did everything in my power to achieve it's satisfactory finale.
Ah yes.
Blissful sin I have just committed. Bad boy am I? Indeed but it was... there are truly no words for it.

... :)

He's mine now.

It's funny isn't it?

The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.

So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.

I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?

Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?

What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?

He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.

How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.

Gripping fear...

It's moving up my spine and disengaging my neurons. My eyes are shinning, without blinking, and I'm still, sitting down, my entire body is tense as my arm trembles. THE conversation he says. What did I did wrong I wonder? it shouldn't BE a wonder. I'm a selfish, bastardic, selfcentered, antisocial prick. Raise your hands those who are surprised. Given as they are none I shall continue with this, horrible, leechy way of mine. I think I should die sooner than what everyone thinks. I'm not useful to humans, I'm not useful to anyone, not even those whom I supposedly loved. My hand is trembling now, the realization is sinking in. I.AM.USELESS. The more I think I'm doing something right, the more I think I'm protecting someone, it's in reality, the more I'm hurting and the more I'm doing the wrong thing. So maybe when I was young, I never learned correctly the difference between right and wrong. So maybe it was wrong hoping I could do things that obviously, I'm mentally challenged to do. The only purpose of my existence is to bemuse everyone else with my so-called beauty and there it ends. There is no other purpose for an empty candy wrapping, now is there? That should be my new nickname.

emptycandywrapping@hotmail.com

Yeah, I got a new e-mail. Hurrah for me. I'm not feeling all that much for one solid reason that happened that faithful day, I have no heart. I got rid of it. I squashed it. I tore it. I sliced it. I killed it. There is nothing left so I feel any pain, it's probably from the lack of heart, the heart that craves to feel but can't because it's not even there.
Oh sweet glory.

Toss and turn me.
I'm a empty candy wrapping,
Step on, squash me,
There really is no stopping.

::EDIT::
I want to die alone.

Days ahead...

Day so far has been drowsy and cloudy. Haven't been feeling too peachy since lunch. Must have not trusted my own cooking that much. Rink discovered the computer today so kudos for him. Lately been missing Jay Leno, reception is not good in this place so I'm pissed. Haven't communicated with the band yet, I wonder if they are still with that sorry excuse for a -ahem- "manager". Whatever the case, I'll return to the hype and keep on devouring Harry Potter. I'm graduating already. Finally. I'm free to screw up my life just as I wish.

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	michelangelo
You will die on:	Thursday, August 26, 2032
You will die of:	Fall from Great Height
Username:
Created by Quill

I'm NOT laughing. >_<

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	rink
You will die on:	Sunday, July 24, 2022
You will die of:	Suicide
Username:
Created by Quill

That's just... blah.

Worth and Smarts

The following entry can be catalogued as stupid... be sure to skip to the next entry, thank you.

Loneliness and abandon. Two very powerful words when it comes to someone like me. It's one of those days you just KNOW IT. You are going to be a miserable son of a bitch for the rest of your life, your sister will leave you and you'll be forced to move into an oldies home where you will commit suicide. Life isn't worthless, it's simply impossible to live when in such pain. I can't show pain, I can only feel it. I hate this even more when I wake up in the middle of the night, a spector, looking at my surroundings trying to see whether the neighbors sexual grunting woke me up or it was the nightmare I was having. It's sad really. People think of me a piece of statue that breathes and talks. I really don't think I could change the world, even if I wanted to. Screw it all. I don't have what I need to be happy, whatever it was, it died a long time ago. I hate myself at this moment. I can't live with myself on this body or on any body. I can't BE. Life has no meaning whatsoever to someone who has or IS loosing every bit of dreaming they had left. One can't survive without dreams, I recently discovered. Love, caring, thoughtfulness, presents... it's all a joke. Hope is what remains and is the last to leave. I think Hope is the only thing I have left with me. My persona is the aftermath of a hurricane: disaster, destruction, confusion.

I'm gay. Or atleast that is what I know of. In reality I think I'm BI which might be slightly better... or WORSE? I dunno. All I know is that I am numb and right now, a fire could come and consume me and I wouldn't know the difference. No, forget it, I'm gay. Definitely gay.

I'm Dead

Not really, I don't think they have internet in tombs or six feet under. Anyways, working now. Being a full time model causing controversy isn't easy anymore. Go team me. I'm graduating this year. Go team me again.
Rink and Vero are siblings that are beginning to discover each other. Don't even ponder of how bad that sounds. Caterina met this french dude, Jean-Luc and HE has been hanging around her like a dog. Must hurt him later. Then again, anything is better than Delton.
You know what...
I'm tired so bye. I'll return later.

Right

Happy Birthday Veronique. Happy Halloween. Happy Birthday Ashley. Happy Birthday Marie. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Birthday Kyle. Happy Birthday Lucille. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Birth to me and Caterina.

All Holidays and birthdays. There I have updated myself.