It's late

My nose is hurting from all the cold I made it go through. I've been looking for Rink for more than an hour, two or three minimun. I'm beat. He can come home whenever the fuck he wants. I hate these rendez-vous. I hate feeling so self-concious about my degree of selfishness and above all, I hate the feeling of change. I feel so lost and trapped. I hate sharing with people, I hate walking among them, I want to stay forever in this little coccoon in my room. Safe, undisturbed. I could care less of the world right now, I don't understand why my body reacts differently from what I think.

I wonder how Veronique feels, trapped in her glass world.

My wall of concrete has been torn, makes me feel exposed and not like my pictures. I want my wall back. I don't want to feel like this, so free and so many positive and happy thoughts. It's SICKENING. I want to go back into the subtle depressive world I lived in, I thrived there.

My core feels hot and bubbly, when in reality it should be icy and stone hard. I want to go to sleep, forever. But not in death, I'm not done yet in life to die.

I hate myself. I don't know why.
I hate the way I can't understand my own feelings
I hate the way I make everyone unhappy.
I don't hate my selfishness, without that, I wouldn't be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel so suffocated.

Little asshole came back NOW. How I want to hang him by his balls and how much I have to contain myself so I don't do anything irrational like cutting his head off and drinking his blood. And the best part? It's all on purpose, he 'planned' this in a way. He planned these reactions, he wanted them, he went out to look for them. It's either that or he's got some nerve... ¬¬

For real, I'm sick of this. I can't STAND this vulnerability that has been trying to take over me. I'm going back into being that bastardic son of a bitch S&M asshole or I'm gonna die sooner than anyone expects.

*1st thing, get rid of the "!" in my posts. They are not part of my character.
*2nd thing, no more laughing or smiling or being that lovey dovey or anything related to any of these areas.
*3rd thing, limit contact with people.
*4th thing, keep silence, no more talking unless it's absolutely necessary.
*5th thing, get a gun to see if I feel like a fit in some other realm, like HELL.
*6th thing, stop caring.
*7th thing, live in oblivion and submerged in songs.
*8th thing, no more corny/cliche shit. My reputation is on the line, as is my ego.
*9th thing, stop being obsessive/stupid/illogical/clingy. You are irking others and yourself.
*10th thing, lather + rinse + repeat (all these steps) = the Michelangelo we all know.

I hate the "oh-dear-he's-so-troubled" kind of crap. Leave me alone. Demn you.