We broke up. Get ready.

We broke up last night, at midnight.

We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.

. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .

I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...

Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.

But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.

After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.

Ahem.

I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.

I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.

I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.

I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.

Your twin,
Michelangelo

That was depressing...

. . .

Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.

I got hurt.