Saturday, August 23, 2003

Ranting away

So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.

Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.

It just happened to me.

It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.

Why I wonder...

I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.

Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.

Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.

Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.

If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!

I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.

WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.

. . .

Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.

*groans*

I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.

Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.

Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*

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