It's funny isn't it?

The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.

So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.

I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?

Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?

What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?

He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.

How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.