Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.
But if this was so... how come they were so salty?
My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.
After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?
I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.
I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.
What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.
Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!
Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!
So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.
I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?
It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.
<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.
I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.
I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.
Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".
I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.
I live for you, so----
DEMN, so clingy!
*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*
RESUME: I suck.
---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*
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