And it appears that I have died and went to Hell. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm having a bad day.
Screw it. Maybe I am.
I'm staying at Nathan's house for Christmas with Rink. Allow me to explain how this is possible and how I'm not in Vienna, how it should be. Rink is related to Nathan [did I explain this before? I don't remember] because he is Nathan's dad's brother. Meaning, yes, Nathan's uncle. Didn't see that coming now did you? so since I'm here, might as well stay here for Christmas. Marie [Nathan's mom] cooks deliciously and she has this big dinner prepared for us all. And guess what? my once knight-in-shining-armor Giovanni and my sister, Katzereine are here with us as well. Though I'm thinking they'll leave tomorrow since Giovanni is part of the Milazzo's and the Milazzo's have big family parties. Those must be fun.
Either way- I'm feeling like crap. Ok. No, not like crap exactly. Like, I dunno. Strange. I made Rink feel bad and I didn't want to. I made him feel unwanted.
Stop throwing me tomatoes you assholes. Ok a few, I deserve it.
And since this is my journal and I can do whatever I want in it, I'll bother to explain a few things. First and foremost, I love Rink. I do. He's the only one that I've ever felt so close to, that I could talk about almost anything out of the top of my head, that could bare me with all my flaws popping out of me, etc. You know the drill. I mean these things. He's the only one I could go out and do all kinds of things. He's so childish that he makes you feel like a centenary mummy. We have our bad moments but we work hard to fix it.
With Nathan in my life now, I found a new best friend, considering that Benjamin no longer talks to me ever since I told him that I couldn't see him as anymore than a friend and that I would appreciate it if he stopped bothering Rink. I miss him every now and then but nothing completely heartbreaking. I'm too possessive and overprotective of Rink. I'm willing to give up everything for his sake. Yes. It IS obsessive but trust me, you would too if you were in my position. Which brings us to another interesting part of this all.
Rink hardly has any friends and it makes me happy -in a very sick way- that he doesn't. This means that he can focus all his energy on me, on being with me, etc which makes me happy. But then my concious -still surprised it works- nags me about that. It's not healthy to focus on only ONE person in your ENTIRE life you know. He needs to socialize, meet new people, maybe that can make him happy. And yet I don't want that! I'm so frickin' insecure that I think he'll jump on a plane with a hot guy who is his 'best friend' and then he'll go away to some exotic destination because that guy is probably less dysfunctional than me. Actually- most of the world population is less dysfunctional than me. Wait, I'm giving them too much credit.
So what can I do? I'm concerned that some dude would want to be his friend as to take advantage of him. And I can't follow him EVERYWHERE because he'll get mad and one hell of a big tirade will ensue. And then I'll get all emotional and crap, so no. I mean sure I want whats best for him [sounds like a kid] but I don't want to do something I'll regret. Then again, it seems like I don't trust Rink which isn't the case. I just know that he's really a good guy deep down and would never doubt of someone who seems genuinely interested in friendship. So I want to take all of those assholes who want to hurt him and burn them in a big cauldron before I send straight to hell. Or I could just send them to Sperm Donor so he could tamper into their heads so bad that they'll be turned into shit in no time. Hmm. Re-thinking that I don't want to give that man the benefit of a profit :P
Though considering all the shit we've gone through, that's a petty melodramatic concern of mine. There are people that are going through worst cases right now. For example: Nathan likes Katzereine but Katzereine and Giovanni have something going on. So Giovanni [holy hell that was one hell of a big firework that scared the beejesus out of me! <-- Mr. McVegas influence] is all mafia-ish and crap. Nathan is crush-struck, Katzereine probably doesn't have a clue but I know she likes Giovanni and Giovanni likes Katzereine too. That's bound to be entertaining considering they are all under the same roof. Nathan stole a kiss from Giovanni too. Who would have thought? I loathe him. Anyways... there is also something going on with Nicholas. He's glaring at Nathan much more than usual, and he spends the day locked in his room or he goes off to wander around the property and returns really late almost blue from the cold. He also has a "I've-been-thinking-too-much" face and I'm really DYING to know what it is. Mind you, in case you couldn't guess, I'm not the type to just walk up to people and ask what's wrong. Besides, I feel that if I do, he'll bite my hand off. He's THAT bitchy.
Right now he's infront of me. He's sitting in front of the fireplace listening to something in his headphones while he stares blankly at the fire. God- he looks like a sick puppy dog. Pffft. It's a bit amusing. He does remind me of Rink a bit.
Suddenly all the subjects I had in my head left me in a blink of an eye other than yeah, I need to be a better boyfriend and I have to wrap Rink's Christmas present up.
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Sunday, November 7, 2004
Yesterday was "da bomb" -- pardon the lingo, hangover can do things to you
We had fun last night. Yay.
Last night Nathan had this "sleepover party" in his room. To get in, you had to climb this vine up to his room window then pass Nicholas, the impromptu security guard who had one hand cuffed to the window so he wouldn't get away. He was so cute. The place was greatly ambienced. It was awesome. The music was great, people were dancing and drinking. Some had taken corners to make out and do other stuff too. I was pleasantly surprised though kinda "bleh" since I didn't have my cute little hot tushie sweetheart [Rink] to parade around. ;) But since I was in party mode, I was all into dancing. Hot guys, hot girls, gimme all! I was naughty, I know.
At some point I bump into Nathan, who, if I do say so myself, was looking fine. He's wearing this sexay clothing that made me grin at him. Me? I was wearing a black semi see-through shirt. We have some drinks, though I'm not really into drinking at that moment. Two 'last shots' later, we are playing body shots. He chose the neck while I chose the navel. I was very oozy by then. After that, we wanted to play spin the bottle. BUT to be honest I was more into individual kissing. Ok, more specific? I just wanted to make out with him. Hello- if you knew him, you would want to as well. Trust me, we did. It was... DAMN HOT~! We cleaned each other's palatte. Laughing in the middle of it was funny. Oh, FYI: he has a VERY firm butt. And nice rippling pectorals. I have a hot friend. Whoo. Oh and his new nick is Nathan Satan. He's the DEVIL. Convincing you to do what you don't want to do then you get all happy doing it.
Once we were done I called Rink. I was missing him tremendously. I mean... I wanted my soft, slim, delicious, spunky and flirty [not to mention beautiful] boy! so I called him so he could pick me up. He was half-asleep. When he came through the window [Flirt Mode: ACTIVATED] I grabbed him by the waist, pulled him to me [crushing him against my chest] and told him I missed him. Everything felt so floaty. I kissed him and we went into the "dance floor". He was surprised at first, I could see that he was blushing a bit. I kissed his cheek. I love his cheeks. He grabbed a shot and drained it. Hard-on, coming right up! It was another 'last shot'. We laughed and made out while we danced to our favorite song "I do Jay and Jane". :D~
Next time I glanced around, Nathan was getting head from Billie, this really cute girl from Nicholas' class and Nicholas was getting abused by Brooke, Billie's best friend. It was funny. Nathan was completely into Billie. He wanted to do her so badly. Horny bastard. Brooke, in my opinion, has the hots for Nathan, but can't have him for some reason, so she's using good ol' Nichi for something. Then Nathan and Billie disappeared into the bathroom. Tan tan taaan. Brooke got hysterical and left Nicholas alone, who was still trying to set his hand free. I'm totally into boy trying to free himself from bondage, especially because he was so flushed. He reminds me of Rink when he was 16. And you know what's even better than pretty boy freeing himself from bondage? ANOTHER pretty boy helping him and then trying to have his way with pretty boy #1! OMG- HOT. Rink can get so frisky when he's drunk. Then I came along and he wrapped his arms around me, telling me I was his pretty boy. Insert swoon and even more making out. Yeah. We were completely into each other to the point that being corny and possessive was cute to us.
The rest of the night is fuzzy. Next thing I remember was Nathan telling people to leave. We stayed over since we were too drunk to drive. I was completely sensible to Rink's touch. If you saw us, you would've had an orgasm right there and now. Long live us the in-love pretty boys!
I'll go back to my bed now... zzzz.
Last night Nathan had this "sleepover party" in his room. To get in, you had to climb this vine up to his room window then pass Nicholas, the impromptu security guard who had one hand cuffed to the window so he wouldn't get away. He was so cute. The place was greatly ambienced. It was awesome. The music was great, people were dancing and drinking. Some had taken corners to make out and do other stuff too. I was pleasantly surprised though kinda "bleh" since I didn't have my cute little hot tushie sweetheart [Rink] to parade around. ;) But since I was in party mode, I was all into dancing. Hot guys, hot girls, gimme all! I was naughty, I know.
At some point I bump into Nathan, who, if I do say so myself, was looking fine. He's wearing this sexay clothing that made me grin at him. Me? I was wearing a black semi see-through shirt. We have some drinks, though I'm not really into drinking at that moment. Two 'last shots' later, we are playing body shots. He chose the neck while I chose the navel. I was very oozy by then. After that, we wanted to play spin the bottle. BUT to be honest I was more into individual kissing. Ok, more specific? I just wanted to make out with him. Hello- if you knew him, you would want to as well. Trust me, we did. It was... DAMN HOT~! We cleaned each other's palatte. Laughing in the middle of it was funny. Oh, FYI: he has a VERY firm butt. And nice rippling pectorals. I have a hot friend. Whoo. Oh and his new nick is Nathan Satan. He's the DEVIL. Convincing you to do what you don't want to do then you get all happy doing it.
Once we were done I called Rink. I was missing him tremendously. I mean... I wanted my soft, slim, delicious, spunky and flirty [not to mention beautiful] boy! so I called him so he could pick me up. He was half-asleep. When he came through the window [Flirt Mode: ACTIVATED] I grabbed him by the waist, pulled him to me [crushing him against my chest] and told him I missed him. Everything felt so floaty. I kissed him and we went into the "dance floor". He was surprised at first, I could see that he was blushing a bit. I kissed his cheek. I love his cheeks. He grabbed a shot and drained it. Hard-on, coming right up! It was another 'last shot'. We laughed and made out while we danced to our favorite song "I do Jay and Jane". :D~
Next time I glanced around, Nathan was getting head from Billie, this really cute girl from Nicholas' class and Nicholas was getting abused by Brooke, Billie's best friend. It was funny. Nathan was completely into Billie. He wanted to do her so badly. Horny bastard. Brooke, in my opinion, has the hots for Nathan, but can't have him for some reason, so she's using good ol' Nichi for something. Then Nathan and Billie disappeared into the bathroom. Tan tan taaan. Brooke got hysterical and left Nicholas alone, who was still trying to set his hand free. I'm totally into boy trying to free himself from bondage, especially because he was so flushed. He reminds me of Rink when he was 16. And you know what's even better than pretty boy freeing himself from bondage? ANOTHER pretty boy helping him and then trying to have his way with pretty boy #1! OMG- HOT. Rink can get so frisky when he's drunk. Then I came along and he wrapped his arms around me, telling me I was his pretty boy. Insert swoon and even more making out. Yeah. We were completely into each other to the point that being corny and possessive was cute to us.
The rest of the night is fuzzy. Next thing I remember was Nathan telling people to leave. We stayed over since we were too drunk to drive. I was completely sensible to Rink's touch. If you saw us, you would've had an orgasm right there and now. Long live us the in-love pretty boys!
I'll go back to my bed now... zzzz.
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
Elections *shudder*
I didn't vote. Taa~ now you will all flood and kill me because I didn't want to make the world a better place. NEWSFLASH. I'm from Austria, not even a US Citizen so there. You are stuck with this... this... *ponders* I have no words that could appropiately define Mr. Bush. Though I'm sure every Democrat has more than enough. Blech. Fuck politics. As a very pretty boy once said "Let it rot, it's dead anyways". Though I won't deny my sick pleasure of seeing people fight over this.
Oh that reminds me! I met new people. Yay. Round of applause for Mr. Antisocial and his very scarce people skills. Yes, my sarcasm is back. Along with me writing here, in this boring and very random journal. I wonder if there are any kind of human [or alien, I don't discriminate] that actually reads this. Oh well, I don't care. It's fun having an unknown audience. *evul* Expect naked pictures soon. ;) ....j/k.
Back to the original subject. I wasn't able to meet with my whole band for a while. We have this new guitarist, his name is Nathan. He's "teh sex" as I've heard [and proved]. He's pretty hot. And he has a personality. He's pretty cool to hang out with. He's experimental which equals fun. But I have to behave, unless I want to be beheaded by Rink. I must say that he must be the first hot guy I get to hang out with WITHOUT us being involved sexually. He has a little brother, Nicholas, which if I do allow myself to say, is Rink's lost twin. Though of course, Rink is hotter and sexier and cuter. But Nicholas is just so... I don't have a word for it. He's slim [he has more body fat than Rink though], black shiny hair and has grey eyes. I find them to be fascinating [his eyes]. But he's one hell of a catty bitch mixed with neurotic bitch. From his perpetual silence I can guess he gets bullied at school. He looks the type. Hell I would bully him just for fun, he looks so absorbed and quiet. He loves to dress in black and has this really discreet yet attention-getting silver cross around his neck. I've only seen it once and he didn't like because he hid it right away, a red blush creeped on his cheeks. And whenever he talks, it's like, flowing with sarcasm. Not to mention, the dude has such a sexual energy that the first time I saw him and he looked back I felt the hair in my nape stand on end. Or was it that I was intimidated by that little cute worm?
Nathan "teh sex" is just yummy. He has auburn hair and green eyes. Yes, I'm really detail-oriented. I literally stare at people to that point. And he has one hell of a body. Six-pack and everything. *le sigh* Great fashion sense. Has these piercings that would make anyone swoon. It's like... wow. SEX. Heh. I really like how he looks. But I won't go into anymore details because there is only so much sexualness [new word?] I can have for a person I think as a friend. And that I won't fuck then get rid of later. And yet his little brother is a whole different story. Heh. Back to "teh sex". We share like the same things: music, drinks, smoking, fucking, flirting, having a good time. We have a laid-back attitude when we are together, no strings attached, no hidden fees or anything. It feels strange, I must admit. Having someone else around so much other than Rink and Pookie. I still have some trauma leftover from Caterina and Benjamin but I don't let that get in my way. I'm just more careful now.
I'm going out now.
Oh that reminds me! I met new people. Yay. Round of applause for Mr. Antisocial and his very scarce people skills. Yes, my sarcasm is back. Along with me writing here, in this boring and very random journal. I wonder if there are any kind of human [or alien, I don't discriminate] that actually reads this. Oh well, I don't care. It's fun having an unknown audience. *evul* Expect naked pictures soon. ;) ....j/k.
Back to the original subject. I wasn't able to meet with my whole band for a while. We have this new guitarist, his name is Nathan. He's "teh sex" as I've heard [and proved]. He's pretty hot. And he has a personality. He's pretty cool to hang out with. He's experimental which equals fun. But I have to behave, unless I want to be beheaded by Rink. I must say that he must be the first hot guy I get to hang out with WITHOUT us being involved sexually. He has a little brother, Nicholas, which if I do allow myself to say, is Rink's lost twin. Though of course, Rink is hotter and sexier and cuter. But Nicholas is just so... I don't have a word for it. He's slim [he has more body fat than Rink though], black shiny hair and has grey eyes. I find them to be fascinating [his eyes]. But he's one hell of a catty bitch mixed with neurotic bitch. From his perpetual silence I can guess he gets bullied at school. He looks the type. Hell I would bully him just for fun, he looks so absorbed and quiet. He loves to dress in black and has this really discreet yet attention-getting silver cross around his neck. I've only seen it once and he didn't like because he hid it right away, a red blush creeped on his cheeks. And whenever he talks, it's like, flowing with sarcasm. Not to mention, the dude has such a sexual energy that the first time I saw him and he looked back I felt the hair in my nape stand on end. Or was it that I was intimidated by that little cute worm?
Nathan "teh sex" is just yummy. He has auburn hair and green eyes. Yes, I'm really detail-oriented. I literally stare at people to that point. And he has one hell of a body. Six-pack and everything. *le sigh* Great fashion sense. Has these piercings that would make anyone swoon. It's like... wow. SEX. Heh. I really like how he looks. But I won't go into anymore details because there is only so much sexualness [new word?] I can have for a person I think as a friend. And that I won't fuck then get rid of later. And yet his little brother is a whole different story. Heh. Back to "teh sex". We share like the same things: music, drinks, smoking, fucking, flirting, having a good time. We have a laid-back attitude when we are together, no strings attached, no hidden fees or anything. It feels strange, I must admit. Having someone else around so much other than Rink and Pookie. I still have some trauma leftover from Caterina and Benjamin but I don't let that get in my way. I'm just more careful now.
I'm going out now.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Level of Hell
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Very Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Very High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Very High |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Moderate |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Extreme |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Very High |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Moderate |
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Monday, October 11, 2004
Down with infatuations
We finally reached a compromise. After extensive therapy (both physical and emotional) Rink decided to stay. It took longer than expected since I had to use my coaxing abilities. Be afraid :P There must be something downright wrong about me trying to convince someone to trust me. Heh.
So what happened after the "Singing in the Rain" momentum?
We went inside the loft and took a bath. Not together pervs. We needed dry clothes or we [more Rink than I] would have died of a neumonia. Once we were all dry and groomed, it was time for me to start conversating with him. Yes, the apocalypse is near. It was... awkward but I didn't let it show. I'm not used to this in least. It's almost against my nature! but then I remind myself I'm going to be psychologist. But we won't get into that one. As I was saying... I told him why I did what I did. Ick. I hate explaining myself. And all of this was happening while I cradled him in my arms. He shook like a maraca in a Cuban number. They were violent tremors, like seizures or something. He's not used to positive touch of any kind and I'm thinking that likewise with genuine positive words. It's the anti-thesis of a normal person. This was the moment in which I noticed that this was the beginning of a very long and painful process. Detachment is not an option in this case even if I've been considering it over and over again since last night.
I must be stupid. Look at my side of the compromise. I agreed to give him part in everything I have [my sexual talents included] in exchange for us to make out, have sex and fool around. I want all that he can offer me. Roommates with privilages. He did warn me that he is the demanding type. He doesn't even have to pay rent. All he needs to do is BREATHE, LIVE, SHIT, EAT, SLEEP, ETC and he's all well. I even offered my services as a bodyguard. In comes: WTF?! what was I thinking?! was I even thinking?! is he pulling some weird witchcraft on me? O_O He did say something about leeching but I wasn't listening all that well. I just wanted him to stay, no matter what. That can be a somewhat reasonable explanation of why someone in their right mind would agree to all of this for a MEASLY pay. Even *I* find it fishy. Damn. Oh well. I have to keep this promise.
Just remembering last night makes want to make myself bleed. The frustration most of all. I was so out of it. A lifeless piece of meat for a while. And that my friends had a purpose. So I wouldn't find myself wanting to jump on him and doing him some more. We've had enough of me jumping on him for a good while. *frustration* Hell, the world should hand me an award for more resistance. The guy actually asked me to apply cream on his naked back. What is he? STUPID?! dude, you forget real quickly or you forgive real quickly or you're just stoned. I have no idea how I could keep 'junior' down but I just did. I nonchalantly applied it and nonchalantly left the room. Then I sat down on the stairway to think because that was an activity that I hadn't practiced in the whole episode. I let everything sink in. How I abilitated the habitat for my new pet. At some point I know I felt scared. I felt I wanted to run away from this. And you know, it would have been more reasonable to think of kicking him out of my life. But noooo, Michi likes Rinki. Michi wants to keep Rinki. Damn hormones.
Actually I like hormones. I can pin it all on them.
Man, the angst that overcame me when I kissed him. Jesus. He almost died. [Did you notice how Rink is almost dying in this whole entry? he's a species in extinction almost]. He pulled away and blinked. I kissed him again and he nearly pleaded when he asked if the privilages started right now. He meant sexual privilages. I just told him I was kissing him good-night. Bullshit Rink. I wanted to get in your pants! :o Actually no. I didn't want to at the moment. I just ached for touch, not to mention my hard-on was driving me insane.
As I sat on the stairway I wanted to go clubbing. I wanted new people, distractions... anything. I couldn't bring myself to leave him though. So I just sat there and thought about sandcastles. And how sandcastles are sad for me. They symbolize sad things. So poo. I'm not in the mood for depression right now. But, I was in the mood for some masturbating [how sad ;-;]. I didn't need that mentally though. I was in some other dimension. One were this crap of human relations wouldn't be so complicated. One in which pain and suffering would be part of dreams. I laughed of course. I enjoy pain. Reminds me that I'm alive and yet I don't want them to suffer. I don't want Rink to suffer, I don't want Caterina to suffer...
And while I masturbated, or once I was done with the self-service, I thought about how I've changed. What have I become and for who. We are not in this earth for anyone other than ourselves, right? so why do we care? so others care about us in exchange? How vain.
I don't want you to spread your wings, if that means that you'll be leaving me. But I'm over that now.
ARGH! what else is there for me to say?! what else do you want to know other than I'm trying not to get too involved so I don't regret it later and yet I'm doing the exact opposite. Oh, I'll so laugh at myself when shit happens. You'll see. I'll laugh at my stupidity >_>
For the record: my other favorite person to blame for my misfortunes... RINK.
So what happened after the "Singing in the Rain" momentum?
We went inside the loft and took a bath. Not together pervs. We needed dry clothes or we [more Rink than I] would have died of a neumonia. Once we were all dry and groomed, it was time for me to start conversating with him. Yes, the apocalypse is near. It was... awkward but I didn't let it show. I'm not used to this in least. It's almost against my nature! but then I remind myself I'm going to be psychologist. But we won't get into that one. As I was saying... I told him why I did what I did. Ick. I hate explaining myself. And all of this was happening while I cradled him in my arms. He shook like a maraca in a Cuban number. They were violent tremors, like seizures or something. He's not used to positive touch of any kind and I'm thinking that likewise with genuine positive words. It's the anti-thesis of a normal person. This was the moment in which I noticed that this was the beginning of a very long and painful process. Detachment is not an option in this case even if I've been considering it over and over again since last night.
I must be stupid. Look at my side of the compromise. I agreed to give him part in everything I have [my sexual talents included] in exchange for us to make out, have sex and fool around. I want all that he can offer me. Roommates with privilages. He did warn me that he is the demanding type. He doesn't even have to pay rent. All he needs to do is BREATHE, LIVE, SHIT, EAT, SLEEP, ETC and he's all well. I even offered my services as a bodyguard. In comes: WTF?! what was I thinking?! was I even thinking?! is he pulling some weird witchcraft on me? O_O He did say something about leeching but I wasn't listening all that well. I just wanted him to stay, no matter what. That can be a somewhat reasonable explanation of why someone in their right mind would agree to all of this for a MEASLY pay. Even *I* find it fishy. Damn. Oh well. I have to keep this promise.
Just remembering last night makes want to make myself bleed. The frustration most of all. I was so out of it. A lifeless piece of meat for a while. And that my friends had a purpose. So I wouldn't find myself wanting to jump on him and doing him some more. We've had enough of me jumping on him for a good while. *frustration* Hell, the world should hand me an award for more resistance. The guy actually asked me to apply cream on his naked back. What is he? STUPID?! dude, you forget real quickly or you forgive real quickly or you're just stoned. I have no idea how I could keep 'junior' down but I just did. I nonchalantly applied it and nonchalantly left the room. Then I sat down on the stairway to think because that was an activity that I hadn't practiced in the whole episode. I let everything sink in. How I abilitated the habitat for my new pet. At some point I know I felt scared. I felt I wanted to run away from this. And you know, it would have been more reasonable to think of kicking him out of my life. But noooo, Michi likes Rinki. Michi wants to keep Rinki. Damn hormones.
Actually I like hormones. I can pin it all on them.
Man, the angst that overcame me when I kissed him. Jesus. He almost died. [Did you notice how Rink is almost dying in this whole entry? he's a species in extinction almost]. He pulled away and blinked. I kissed him again and he nearly pleaded when he asked if the privilages started right now. He meant sexual privilages. I just told him I was kissing him good-night. Bullshit Rink. I wanted to get in your pants! :o Actually no. I didn't want to at the moment. I just ached for touch, not to mention my hard-on was driving me insane.
As I sat on the stairway I wanted to go clubbing. I wanted new people, distractions... anything. I couldn't bring myself to leave him though. So I just sat there and thought about sandcastles. And how sandcastles are sad for me. They symbolize sad things. So poo. I'm not in the mood for depression right now. But, I was in the mood for some masturbating [how sad ;-;]. I didn't need that mentally though. I was in some other dimension. One were this crap of human relations wouldn't be so complicated. One in which pain and suffering would be part of dreams. I laughed of course. I enjoy pain. Reminds me that I'm alive and yet I don't want them to suffer. I don't want Rink to suffer, I don't want Caterina to suffer...
And while I masturbated, or once I was done with the self-service, I thought about how I've changed. What have I become and for who. We are not in this earth for anyone other than ourselves, right? so why do we care? so others care about us in exchange? How vain.
I don't want you to spread your wings, if that means that you'll be leaving me. But I'm over that now.
ARGH! what else is there for me to say?! what else do you want to know other than I'm trying not to get too involved so I don't regret it later and yet I'm doing the exact opposite. Oh, I'll so laugh at myself when shit happens. You'll see. I'll laugh at my stupidity >_>
For the record: my other favorite person to blame for my misfortunes... RINK.
Saturday, October 9, 2004
A word for the running water in the field of snow
So tired. Want sleep. Zzz. Hehe. And yes, you guessed it. I'm not in the mood to entertain you all with my words. People, get a hobby. And I don't count. Or maybe I do, who makes the rules around here anyway? :P My journal, my rules. I can contradict myself if I want to. Hmm... coke would be nice.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's start the Questions and Answers part of the day. This is concerning my last entry, in you didn't know and didn't check on my journal a billion times a day to see if I wrote something new. My life is so interesting. I should do a movie.
Q&A: by a very sleepy Michel
1. WTF?
I say the same. This one of those relationship crisis. Only this one is semi-moderated, right now that is.
2. What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?
An iris, some color... ok seriously. I saw a lot of things, things I hadn't seen before. Let me explain something fyi. Rink is a very specific type of person. He's the one that you see and think DAMN, he's so cute! I want to rape him! or OMG! what a snotty, selfish, spoiled brat!. Whichever you choose, you're accurate. He's all that, plus more. You just don't see don't you. He just keeps it WELL hidden <--notice the WELL. I'm not entirely sure of his reasons but I could ballpark it. Let's say, he wants to protect himself from getting hurt. He doesn't want people to know his real persona, etc etc. But if you take your time to look at him, seriously and not with him infront of you because you're bound to get distracted. Use a picture or something. Once you do, you'll notice what I'm saying. He has this deep, lost look in his eyes. A lost boy. He doesn't know where he's going, he's just going wherever the wind takes him. [He has a Pocahontas complex I know].
There is also something else. It's... as if the world has gone through him so many times. He's seen so much, felt so much that he's not able to show it. He's far more complex than he leads on. Trust me. You just can't imagine that, a guy that lets his mind wander about what kind of colors would he have if he were a butterfly, would have gone through life as it's guinea pig. It's something. It's pain, it's hurt, it's distrust, it's solitude, it's abandonment, it's neglect... he's the spoiled brat he is now because of circumstances. As I am an bastard because of... well no, that's nature really. Ahem. Back to Rink. What kind of circumstances? I'm unsure. I would ask him but... he's not very crazy about me right now. And maybe it's not my place to ask just yet. We have a lot of stuff to address in general. His eyes say a lot of things: "Love me", "Hate me", "Don't hurt me", "Get away from me", "Protect me", "Hehehe".
I can make a whole book just about trying to define Rink or try to get to understand him. Rink needs a certain type of person to be with him. I tend to ask myself if I am that person. Someone that is very similar to him or else that person would commit suicide in a few days... or kill him. Whichever suits the person better to get rid of the "pest". But in comes the catch, Rink isn't a pest really. He's just a child, in many many ways. I mean it seriously. He thinks of people as toys and wants to play with them. When he gets tired, he just leaves them there and moves on. Horrible huh? but there's a reason. There's always a reason. And trust me, I'm not trying to defend him, much less justify him. He just wants someone, no matter how much he denies it. He needs someone and not because he's needy, but because otherwise he would go insane. I would dare say he didn't have a proper childhood. Nowadays hardly no one does but I'm guessing his was a special case. He needs someone that allows him to have a childhood now and remind him that he's still a grown-up in some cases. Devotion is a must.
Considering how naturally curious I am, I was considering a few things. Just how deep and rooted are his feelings? is it because he keeps them to himself that he has so many mood swings? or is just clinically insane? am I willing to sacrifice my being for him? to get to know him, to allow him to self-destruct so then I could re-program him? If so, I have to do so many things. I'm dysfunctional as it is. Imagine me helping someone as dysfunctional as myself, or even more. No one really knows. We just see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him. I can't deny it. There are times I just want to focus on myself. But then he comes in and changes that. My instincts can be tricky.
Conclusion: I saw more in Rink than your average Ken doll.
3. Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.
Yes. A big fight and let's say... my patience died. Horribly. x-x
4. What else happened after what you said?
That's another post. I need to focus on explaining everything now, so stop being such an animal and stop asking these questions.
5. Why is Rink so silent?
Many reasons. He's thinking a lot. He's not very fond of my persona and he's scared of me and what I might do. He's keeping loads of feelings to himself concerning me and how he'd like to roast me alive. I know that just by seeing him. He's freaked out.
6. What will you talk about? and how? when?
We need to talk about a lot of things. Enough said.
NEW QUESTIONS!. Because you love me and you're addicted to me.
7. Why did you what you did? [which you haven't specified by the way! :@]
Let's get a few things straight [or gay, whichever is your cup of tea]. I am a whore, a very possessive whore. I like to flirt, I like to kiss, I like to fuck and I like to dance. What I don't like is when someone that I'm with in a relationship [once in a blue moon] changes their mind, sets some rules without me knowning crap and expects you to follow them as if it was a blind faith. Don't fuck around when you're with me. Don't. I'm going to find out, I'm going to get pissed off and I'm going to take measures. Don't think you can use me for silly entertainment, be sure that I'll give you more than you can chew. Don't flirt in my face so blatantly. Don't you dare treat others far better than you treat me. Don't you dare diminish my persona because that's the only way you can control me. You CAN'T control me. Period.
8. Dude, why do you care so much?
I have my reasons. Why shouldn't I? Which part of everything that I mentioned beforehand didn't answer this question? Let me put it out clear for you simple-minded folks that love to ask for the sake of asking. Rink is someone that needs to be protected, it emanates from him. Me, I'm someone that's used to protect others. You do the math. Plus, I love to meet fascinating people that break the schemes of how a normal person should behave like. Man, I'm getting all whiny and annoying and my eyes are itching. I can't help but care. Would you leave an abandoned puppy out in the cold rain? seeing how it bites others as they approach to save him and they give up? would you move along when you're sure you heard it cry out in desperation? and once you get near, the puppy bites you but you keep insisting because you know that even if it hurts now, you can put some ointment on it and the puppy will survive. It's not your fault that the puppy has been hurt, you can make a difference in it's life. Speaking of puppies, Pookie is fine.
9. What will you gain if you help him? It's not as if he asked you to do so.
I'm not sure. Him maybe?
10. You just want to get laid don't you?
No. I can get that pretty easily.
11. Is Rink still shallow to you?
It's easier to think that he is shallow. That way you don't have to get into the really complicated part that is knowing a person. The image Rink portrays is that of a shallow person that only cares about looking good, flirting, making out, getting laid, eating good food and having everything he wants when he wants it. You're average person. I've always known that he's not shallow. They tend to say the ones that smile the most are the ones that have suffered the most, to the point that they find no use in showing it. Considering how childish Rink is, I can only imagine what he's gone through.
OVERALL CONCLUSION!.
I'm sick of this now. I'm going to plunge into my memories and recover a little something, probably the only thing that my mother ever said that made sense. "What will make you want to love someone, Michel? that you can save them or that they can save you?". Deep? ... And I'll leave it here for now because my stomach is on strike.
Jeez, what does Blogger have that makes me want to write in it so much? O_o
Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's start the Questions and Answers part of the day. This is concerning my last entry, in you didn't know and didn't check on my journal a billion times a day to see if I wrote something new. My life is so interesting. I should do a movie.
Q&A: by a very sleepy Michel
1. WTF?
I say the same. This one of those relationship crisis. Only this one is semi-moderated, right now that is.
2. What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?
An iris, some color... ok seriously. I saw a lot of things, things I hadn't seen before. Let me explain something fyi. Rink is a very specific type of person. He's the one that you see and think DAMN, he's so cute! I want to rape him! or OMG! what a snotty, selfish, spoiled brat!. Whichever you choose, you're accurate. He's all that, plus more. You just don't see don't you. He just keeps it WELL hidden <--notice the WELL. I'm not entirely sure of his reasons but I could ballpark it. Let's say, he wants to protect himself from getting hurt. He doesn't want people to know his real persona, etc etc. But if you take your time to look at him, seriously and not with him infront of you because you're bound to get distracted. Use a picture or something. Once you do, you'll notice what I'm saying. He has this deep, lost look in his eyes. A lost boy. He doesn't know where he's going, he's just going wherever the wind takes him. [He has a Pocahontas complex I know].
There is also something else. It's... as if the world has gone through him so many times. He's seen so much, felt so much that he's not able to show it. He's far more complex than he leads on. Trust me. You just can't imagine that, a guy that lets his mind wander about what kind of colors would he have if he were a butterfly, would have gone through life as it's guinea pig. It's something. It's pain, it's hurt, it's distrust, it's solitude, it's abandonment, it's neglect... he's the spoiled brat he is now because of circumstances. As I am an bastard because of... well no, that's nature really. Ahem. Back to Rink. What kind of circumstances? I'm unsure. I would ask him but... he's not very crazy about me right now. And maybe it's not my place to ask just yet. We have a lot of stuff to address in general. His eyes say a lot of things: "Love me", "Hate me", "Don't hurt me", "Get away from me", "Protect me", "Hehehe".
I can make a whole book just about trying to define Rink or try to get to understand him. Rink needs a certain type of person to be with him. I tend to ask myself if I am that person. Someone that is very similar to him or else that person would commit suicide in a few days... or kill him. Whichever suits the person better to get rid of the "pest". But in comes the catch, Rink isn't a pest really. He's just a child, in many many ways. I mean it seriously. He thinks of people as toys and wants to play with them. When he gets tired, he just leaves them there and moves on. Horrible huh? but there's a reason. There's always a reason. And trust me, I'm not trying to defend him, much less justify him. He just wants someone, no matter how much he denies it. He needs someone and not because he's needy, but because otherwise he would go insane. I would dare say he didn't have a proper childhood. Nowadays hardly no one does but I'm guessing his was a special case. He needs someone that allows him to have a childhood now and remind him that he's still a grown-up in some cases. Devotion is a must.
Considering how naturally curious I am, I was considering a few things. Just how deep and rooted are his feelings? is it because he keeps them to himself that he has so many mood swings? or is just clinically insane? am I willing to sacrifice my being for him? to get to know him, to allow him to self-destruct so then I could re-program him? If so, I have to do so many things. I'm dysfunctional as it is. Imagine me helping someone as dysfunctional as myself, or even more. No one really knows. We just see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him. I can't deny it. There are times I just want to focus on myself. But then he comes in and changes that. My instincts can be tricky.
Conclusion: I saw more in Rink than your average Ken doll.
3. Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.
Yes. A big fight and let's say... my patience died. Horribly. x-x
4. What else happened after what you said?
That's another post. I need to focus on explaining everything now, so stop being such an animal and stop asking these questions.
5. Why is Rink so silent?
Many reasons. He's thinking a lot. He's not very fond of my persona and he's scared of me and what I might do. He's keeping loads of feelings to himself concerning me and how he'd like to roast me alive. I know that just by seeing him. He's freaked out.
6. What will you talk about? and how? when?
We need to talk about a lot of things. Enough said.
NEW QUESTIONS!. Because you love me and you're addicted to me.
7. Why did you what you did? [which you haven't specified by the way! :@]
Let's get a few things straight [or gay, whichever is your cup of tea]. I am a whore, a very possessive whore. I like to flirt, I like to kiss, I like to fuck and I like to dance. What I don't like is when someone that I'm with in a relationship [once in a blue moon] changes their mind, sets some rules without me knowning crap and expects you to follow them as if it was a blind faith. Don't fuck around when you're with me. Don't. I'm going to find out, I'm going to get pissed off and I'm going to take measures. Don't think you can use me for silly entertainment, be sure that I'll give you more than you can chew. Don't flirt in my face so blatantly. Don't you dare treat others far better than you treat me. Don't you dare diminish my persona because that's the only way you can control me. You CAN'T control me. Period.
8. Dude, why do you care so much?
I have my reasons. Why shouldn't I? Which part of everything that I mentioned beforehand didn't answer this question? Let me put it out clear for you simple-minded folks that love to ask for the sake of asking. Rink is someone that needs to be protected, it emanates from him. Me, I'm someone that's used to protect others. You do the math. Plus, I love to meet fascinating people that break the schemes of how a normal person should behave like. Man, I'm getting all whiny and annoying and my eyes are itching. I can't help but care. Would you leave an abandoned puppy out in the cold rain? seeing how it bites others as they approach to save him and they give up? would you move along when you're sure you heard it cry out in desperation? and once you get near, the puppy bites you but you keep insisting because you know that even if it hurts now, you can put some ointment on it and the puppy will survive. It's not your fault that the puppy has been hurt, you can make a difference in it's life. Speaking of puppies, Pookie is fine.
9. What will you gain if you help him? It's not as if he asked you to do so.
I'm not sure. Him maybe?
10. You just want to get laid don't you?
No. I can get that pretty easily.
11. Is Rink still shallow to you?
It's easier to think that he is shallow. That way you don't have to get into the really complicated part that is knowing a person. The image Rink portrays is that of a shallow person that only cares about looking good, flirting, making out, getting laid, eating good food and having everything he wants when he wants it. You're average person. I've always known that he's not shallow. They tend to say the ones that smile the most are the ones that have suffered the most, to the point that they find no use in showing it. Considering how childish Rink is, I can only imagine what he's gone through.
OVERALL CONCLUSION!.
I'm sick of this now. I'm going to plunge into my memories and recover a little something, probably the only thing that my mother ever said that made sense. "What will make you want to love someone, Michel? that you can save them or that they can save you?". Deep? ... And I'll leave it here for now because my stomach is on strike.
Jeez, what does Blogger have that makes me want to write in it so much? O_o
Friday, October 8, 2004
People can be funny in the morning
I went jogging this morning to clear my head. So many people are out. I can't help stare. Fat ones, skinny ones, all kinds of people. Burglars too. Though I didn't see those distinctively mind you. Every sunrise is different, because I'm never the same. With music blasting through my headphones I had some real quiet time, if you conveniently ignore my mobile. I don't care who called, not at the moment. I was lost in thought. Questions filled my head and my very existence was being tested by the universe.
I hate these days. We all want to live without regrets but they just come back to bite you in the ass. I've been avoiding them for a while. I never feel guilty [recent events might vary this piece of information]. Today I waited for them to come and hit me but none showed up. No regrets for what I did. Nothing. It's not my place to feel hurt anymore, much less betrayed as I had originally had. Sure, I didn't want to hurt him but I had no choice. There is something else that I should be focusing my energy in. Besides, I hate to wallow. I hate melodrama in general. I thought about how there's so much to be said. Slowly I look towards the horizon, walking slowly, letting the sun sting my eyes.
Why haven't you left? Why are you still here? How do you feel? what do you feel? you seem so resigned, so willing to accept your punishment. You're not dumb. You know what you did. All the shit that you pulled off. I pulled some shit too. We are the vivid example of Newton's law: cause [you] and consequence [me]. We complement each other. We're both self-destructive. We need someone to fall down with. I miss your voice. It's one of those times you have to take action [I'm referring to myself, dumbasses].
I see lightning across the sky, I can't hear the noise outside my mind. I slip my hand inside my pocket and take out my wallet. I see his picture, stare at his eyes. Suddenly, fear grips me. I see something that I've never seen before. How did this happen? when did it happen?
Small drops of water fall on the picture. I blink and look up. So much for my pretty morning. In a matter of seconds a downpour starts so I put my wallet back in my pocket. I don't move. I'm thinking... thinking about you... thinking about things... thinking about how annoying it is to think... I allow myself to say your name.
"Rink..."
Good grief. Pathetic moment starts now. Is this all my fault? what I have I failed to see? to notice? just how much am I willing to risk for you? what am I giving up? I can allow myself a mistake or two once, along with retorical questions. But I'm not softened. I'm not programmed to act a certain way to avoid getting hurt. DAMN HIM. He should have a sign that says "Tread carefully, risk of falling" >__<. Ahem, back to me and my narration moment. It wasn't until I snapped out of it that I noticed I was getting soaked. People running suddenly, seeking shelter. I start my walk back to the apartment. When I'm getting closer I close my eyes and sing loudly...
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain...
I carry out the tune, my eyes opening and focusing on the figure before me. His hand are stuffed in his pockets, his eyes bright and lost, his hair underneath a hood... he seems surprised. It was a movie-like moment. Everything slowly ceased to exist, we were the only living and breathing beings. I looked at him in the eyes, he looked away. There it was again. I moved closer to him, looking at him, looking down and I cupped his face. I sang to him softly
Look for the boy with the broken smile
Ask him if he wants to stay a while...
I kissed him. I kissed him like the song told me too. I embraced him. Fighting has one more good thing, how it feels to touch again. It always feels like the first time. He was frozen, unsure of what to do. We were going to suffer the consequences of the rain later, I just know it.
"We need to talk" I told him. He didn't say anything. It rained, believe it or not, harder after that.
[...]
What were my brilliant conclusions after this?
-Rains make normal situations seem more... magical
-Jogging doesn't clear your head, it fogs it. Too much to think.
-I probably should have opted for dialogue in the first place
What are the questions you probably have after this:
-WTF?
-What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?
-Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.
-What else happened after what you said?
-Why is Rink so silent?
-What will you talk about? and how? when?
-Hey, where's Pookie?
Only one is answered.
I hate these days. We all want to live without regrets but they just come back to bite you in the ass. I've been avoiding them for a while. I never feel guilty [recent events might vary this piece of information]. Today I waited for them to come and hit me but none showed up. No regrets for what I did. Nothing. It's not my place to feel hurt anymore, much less betrayed as I had originally had. Sure, I didn't want to hurt him but I had no choice. There is something else that I should be focusing my energy in. Besides, I hate to wallow. I hate melodrama in general. I thought about how there's so much to be said. Slowly I look towards the horizon, walking slowly, letting the sun sting my eyes.
Why haven't you left? Why are you still here? How do you feel? what do you feel? you seem so resigned, so willing to accept your punishment. You're not dumb. You know what you did. All the shit that you pulled off. I pulled some shit too. We are the vivid example of Newton's law: cause [you] and consequence [me]. We complement each other. We're both self-destructive. We need someone to fall down with. I miss your voice. It's one of those times you have to take action [I'm referring to myself, dumbasses].
I see lightning across the sky, I can't hear the noise outside my mind. I slip my hand inside my pocket and take out my wallet. I see his picture, stare at his eyes. Suddenly, fear grips me. I see something that I've never seen before. How did this happen? when did it happen?
Small drops of water fall on the picture. I blink and look up. So much for my pretty morning. In a matter of seconds a downpour starts so I put my wallet back in my pocket. I don't move. I'm thinking... thinking about you... thinking about things... thinking about how annoying it is to think... I allow myself to say your name.
"Rink..."
Good grief. Pathetic moment starts now. Is this all my fault? what I have I failed to see? to notice? just how much am I willing to risk for you? what am I giving up? I can allow myself a mistake or two once, along with retorical questions. But I'm not softened. I'm not programmed to act a certain way to avoid getting hurt. DAMN HIM. He should have a sign that says "Tread carefully, risk of falling" >__<. Ahem, back to me and my narration moment. It wasn't until I snapped out of it that I noticed I was getting soaked. People running suddenly, seeking shelter. I start my walk back to the apartment. When I'm getting closer I close my eyes and sing loudly...
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain...
I carry out the tune, my eyes opening and focusing on the figure before me. His hand are stuffed in his pockets, his eyes bright and lost, his hair underneath a hood... he seems surprised. It was a movie-like moment. Everything slowly ceased to exist, we were the only living and breathing beings. I looked at him in the eyes, he looked away. There it was again. I moved closer to him, looking at him, looking down and I cupped his face. I sang to him softly
Look for the boy with the broken smile
Ask him if he wants to stay a while...
I kissed him. I kissed him like the song told me too. I embraced him. Fighting has one more good thing, how it feels to touch again. It always feels like the first time. He was frozen, unsure of what to do. We were going to suffer the consequences of the rain later, I just know it.
"We need to talk" I told him. He didn't say anything. It rained, believe it or not, harder after that.
[...]
What were my brilliant conclusions after this?
-Rains make normal situations seem more... magical
-Jogging doesn't clear your head, it fogs it. Too much to think.
-I probably should have opted for dialogue in the first place
What are the questions you probably have after this:
-WTF?
-What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?
-Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.
-What else happened after what you said?
-Why is Rink so silent?
-What will you talk about? and how? when?
-Hey, where's Pookie?
Only one is answered.
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
Shiny...
How do I summarize what's been going on? are there any words? Hmm. Interesting is one of them. Unique. Peculiar. Self-absorbed. Damn, I'm really into this whole word association. Ok, veering off the point again.
One of my circuits seems to have exploded. I felt I hit beyond rock-bottom with my patience and with my very core. I just cracked. This small sugar-coated world I believed to be part of shattered. All because of selfish pain, all because I wanted it to be that way.
I don't regret it that you're in pain. I don't regret it that you're going insane, I don't care if you are alone and isolated. I look at your misery and I enjoy it. Every bit of blood you've shed, I've drank from it. I tasted it, smiling sickly at your twisted face. You're in pain now. You're afraid. You're unsure.
GOOD. HAHAHA. How does it taste? do you like it? heh. I won't reach out for dramatic statements. I burned you with your own fire, the fire you used to burn me to crisp. I came back. The resentment flowing through my veins. Selfish prick. You cared only of yourself and yet you are dependant of others. How many have you fooled into their own insanity? I've been reaching out for you, I fell under your spell... but you got the wrong toy to play with. Don't undermine me to make yourself feel better. Boundaries are set.
I've watched you suffer, I've watched you fight and I've watched you hide. My reflexes have changed. I've sunken deeper into this dormant state of mine. I smile sickly as you squirm. I shouldn't be this happy or this pleased with myself. These weren't my original intentions. I don't care now. You're under my command, to please my every whim. I can have you every night, every day, every second... and at times I wonder what to do with you.
Are you confused? unsure? afraid? tramautized? welcome. Swim in your very river. How many a times I've wished to shake you even more and scream at you all you've caused, which you are not even concious of. This was just a game to you, until I took over. Now it's business. It's my game now. I play by my rules. People are just dolls to you? but I'm being unreasonable, my little play-thing. What made me chase after you? I wonder. If it was just your tight ass, might as well kill you now before you do a mess. But I still keep you.
I marvel at your body, my open canvas. Pain can be excruciatingly beautiful. I haven't felt this way before, so consumed, so obsessed, so powerful... there are times when it all breaks. I stare at you, so defenseless, so hurt and vulnerable. Your strings, the ones you used to pierce my heart so you could toy with it endlessly, tensed and felt something should be done. I held you. I felt you shake. Oxymorons. Dilema. Pain and torture, comfort and safety... I comforted you. This skin I'm wearing felt so awkward holding you, trying to make you feel better. It insisted. I must break you. I must make you suffer. I must make you taste this. Drink from this well.
Yes. We suffer. Yes. It's painful. Yes. Blood trails down our lips. Yes. Be afraid, I love hurting you. Yes. You're my drug. Yes. You make me remember. Yes. I'll make you forget.
After all this, what do I want from you? what?! I'm not sure. I want to make you fall so bad, that you won't be able to stand up. You'll love it and you'll hate it. You won't know what hit you. You can't run away anymore. The change is eminent. What more will you hide? everyone thinks they know you, everyone thinks they know what you really want. You hide it all. That's why no one sees it coming when you leave.
Newsflash pretty boy. You can't leave me.
I wanted to make an experiment with you but I chose you for the wrong experiment. Now I don't know... I wanted to try and tap into my humanity. My sadistic tendencies became overwhelming, I didn't want to believe it was all I ever had. But you're a puzzle. I misjudged you. Now, I'm back. Full gear. No more playing, no more giving in.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Man. I'm a real psycho. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm too busy staring at you. Don't guide me. Let us stay here. No one can see us, no one can find us. Let it all rot, it's dead anyway.
[...]
Now THAT was refreshing. ;)
One of my circuits seems to have exploded. I felt I hit beyond rock-bottom with my patience and with my very core. I just cracked. This small sugar-coated world I believed to be part of shattered. All because of selfish pain, all because I wanted it to be that way.
I don't regret it that you're in pain. I don't regret it that you're going insane, I don't care if you are alone and isolated. I look at your misery and I enjoy it. Every bit of blood you've shed, I've drank from it. I tasted it, smiling sickly at your twisted face. You're in pain now. You're afraid. You're unsure.
GOOD. HAHAHA. How does it taste? do you like it? heh. I won't reach out for dramatic statements. I burned you with your own fire, the fire you used to burn me to crisp. I came back. The resentment flowing through my veins. Selfish prick. You cared only of yourself and yet you are dependant of others. How many have you fooled into their own insanity? I've been reaching out for you, I fell under your spell... but you got the wrong toy to play with. Don't undermine me to make yourself feel better. Boundaries are set.
I've watched you suffer, I've watched you fight and I've watched you hide. My reflexes have changed. I've sunken deeper into this dormant state of mine. I smile sickly as you squirm. I shouldn't be this happy or this pleased with myself. These weren't my original intentions. I don't care now. You're under my command, to please my every whim. I can have you every night, every day, every second... and at times I wonder what to do with you.
Are you confused? unsure? afraid? tramautized? welcome. Swim in your very river. How many a times I've wished to shake you even more and scream at you all you've caused, which you are not even concious of. This was just a game to you, until I took over. Now it's business. It's my game now. I play by my rules. People are just dolls to you? but I'm being unreasonable, my little play-thing. What made me chase after you? I wonder. If it was just your tight ass, might as well kill you now before you do a mess. But I still keep you.
I marvel at your body, my open canvas. Pain can be excruciatingly beautiful. I haven't felt this way before, so consumed, so obsessed, so powerful... there are times when it all breaks. I stare at you, so defenseless, so hurt and vulnerable. Your strings, the ones you used to pierce my heart so you could toy with it endlessly, tensed and felt something should be done. I held you. I felt you shake. Oxymorons. Dilema. Pain and torture, comfort and safety... I comforted you. This skin I'm wearing felt so awkward holding you, trying to make you feel better. It insisted. I must break you. I must make you suffer. I must make you taste this. Drink from this well.
Yes. We suffer. Yes. It's painful. Yes. Blood trails down our lips. Yes. Be afraid, I love hurting you. Yes. You're my drug. Yes. You make me remember. Yes. I'll make you forget.
After all this, what do I want from you? what?! I'm not sure. I want to make you fall so bad, that you won't be able to stand up. You'll love it and you'll hate it. You won't know what hit you. You can't run away anymore. The change is eminent. What more will you hide? everyone thinks they know you, everyone thinks they know what you really want. You hide it all. That's why no one sees it coming when you leave.
Newsflash pretty boy. You can't leave me.
I wanted to make an experiment with you but I chose you for the wrong experiment. Now I don't know... I wanted to try and tap into my humanity. My sadistic tendencies became overwhelming, I didn't want to believe it was all I ever had. But you're a puzzle. I misjudged you. Now, I'm back. Full gear. No more playing, no more giving in.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Man. I'm a real psycho. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm too busy staring at you. Don't guide me. Let us stay here. No one can see us, no one can find us. Let it all rot, it's dead anyway.
[...]
Now THAT was refreshing. ;)
Monday, October 4, 2004
No more
I have a another boyfriend now.
Isn't he adorable? He's my Chinese crested puppy. I was going to name him Poopie but my classmates say it's too cruel so instead it's Pookie, the Spooky dog. Hehe. I love him. I just bought him today. He's in my backpack right now, whining and annoying the teachers. He better stop chewing on my iPod or he'll stop being cute. Wonder what Rink will think of him.
Drinking got me thinking (ppfft) about changing my major. It's not that psychology isn't doing much for me but I'm more into music. In the meantime, I'm taking some courses at Berklee over the internet. Refreshing some stuff, you know.
I've been planning something since last night, while I rolled in my bed pondering. Let's just call it a back-up plan, a desperate measures kind of thing. Considering the fact that I don't know who reads this (if any) I won't say anything about it until I'm actually driven to do something like that. Curiosity is probably chewing on you, huh? No hints, so stop asking.
Interesting morning for me. From 8 am to 9 am I had soccer practice (hehehehe XD). Love that song >:) ahem. Considering I'm in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP [I can be a spiteful bitch], I honed in on the team captain. One word: YUM. They are like fish, they're even tastier when you grab them fresh in the morning. He's no exception. Great at 'flexing' too, wonderfully shaped bubble butt. After we finished and while in the shower, I had this great need to 'bond' with the team. The gazes I've given to other members as they showered turned out to be dangerous. Don't you just love it when the juniors stand up and salute? *evil laugh* I spanked a bunch of tushies with a wet towel. Gasps and laughs. Made me delirious for sex. In comes team captain to reward the good player.
After last night's entry I called Nemo so we could go clubbing. The conversation that ensued was amusing:
"Nemo, come and pick me up over at my place"
"Huh? oh, clubbing? YOU? won't the boyfriend mind?" he snickers. I can barely hear him over the loud music in his car.
"He suggested it. So come."
I heard the wheels screech.
"What? what do you mean? oh shit, dude! don't tell me two got into a fight! maaan... this is such a gay soap opera kind of crap. I bet you just wanna get drunk to forget all your issues and then I have to take you back over to the apartment and when we're there you'll beg me to stay and I'll say--"
"Bye Nemo" I was about to hang up and call 9mm.
"Wait! DUDE. Didn't you know patience is a virtue?"
"..."
"Fine. I'll go! I'm there! I'm here! just... gimme 5"
The other conversations we had were irrelevant. Solaris is remodeling and it's awesome. They have this new section in last floor called "The Rainbow Room". It's made just for us fabulous fags. It's a circular room, one half is the bar, where they serve free jelly shots [all colors!] and other drinks [those they do charge, boo.]. The other half the sitting area, then in the center it's the dance floor. The roof is made out of glass so you can gaze into the sky, if you can do that and not pass out by the time you notice that detail. The room's not finished yet though, they want to make these four backrooms for romping. The hallways to get to those rooms will resemble Holland's Red District. My favorite place to sin. Damn, it was fun. The dancing, the grinding, the unknown mouths I kissed as they tempted me with delicious drinks, the rush, the adrenaline, and the bodies I friction with, the smell of hot, sweaty men, the euphoria... just thinking about it makes me hornier. I tried calling Rink twice but that didn't work. He'd love that place. Great music too. Hmm... I'm forgetting something. RIGHT. I had a threesome. *GROAN* Twins, oh my GOD. Oh the sinning! I'm so driving that minibus to hell. Heh. They were gorgeous. *swoon* I mean, such firm bodies, dark eyes, soft hair and eager to please. Who could resist them?! How they fought for my attention. And... Captain has just stood up erect and salutes. Damn it, now I can't move.
So yeah, yesterday wasn't so bad after all. Could have been worse. I'm at college right now, in the middle of class. Wireless internet can be such a savior. It's raining hard. I think it's going to turn into snow any moment now. Fudge, this class is so boring I might just start singing the alphabet out loud. Did I ever mention how peculiar I am?
Isn't he adorable? He's my Chinese crested puppy. I was going to name him Poopie but my classmates say it's too cruel so instead it's Pookie, the Spooky dog. Hehe. I love him. I just bought him today. He's in my backpack right now, whining and annoying the teachers. He better stop chewing on my iPod or he'll stop being cute. Wonder what Rink will think of him.
Drinking got me thinking (ppfft) about changing my major. It's not that psychology isn't doing much for me but I'm more into music. In the meantime, I'm taking some courses at Berklee over the internet. Refreshing some stuff, you know.
I've been planning something since last night, while I rolled in my bed pondering. Let's just call it a back-up plan, a desperate measures kind of thing. Considering the fact that I don't know who reads this (if any) I won't say anything about it until I'm actually driven to do something like that. Curiosity is probably chewing on you, huh? No hints, so stop asking.
Interesting morning for me. From 8 am to 9 am I had soccer practice (hehehehe XD). Love that song >:) ahem. Considering I'm in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP [I can be a spiteful bitch], I honed in on the team captain. One word: YUM. They are like fish, they're even tastier when you grab them fresh in the morning. He's no exception. Great at 'flexing' too, wonderfully shaped bubble butt. After we finished and while in the shower, I had this great need to 'bond' with the team. The gazes I've given to other members as they showered turned out to be dangerous. Don't you just love it when the juniors stand up and salute? *evil laugh* I spanked a bunch of tushies with a wet towel. Gasps and laughs. Made me delirious for sex. In comes team captain to reward the good player.
After last night's entry I called Nemo so we could go clubbing. The conversation that ensued was amusing:
"Nemo, come and pick me up over at my place"
"Huh? oh, clubbing? YOU? won't the boyfriend mind?" he snickers. I can barely hear him over the loud music in his car.
"He suggested it. So come."
I heard the wheels screech.
"What? what do you mean? oh shit, dude! don't tell me two got into a fight! maaan... this is such a gay soap opera kind of crap. I bet you just wanna get drunk to forget all your issues and then I have to take you back over to the apartment and when we're there you'll beg me to stay and I'll say--"
"Bye Nemo" I was about to hang up and call 9mm.
"Wait! DUDE. Didn't you know patience is a virtue?"
"..."
"Fine. I'll go! I'm there! I'm here! just... gimme 5"
The other conversations we had were irrelevant. Solaris is remodeling and it's awesome. They have this new section in last floor called "The Rainbow Room". It's made just for us fabulous fags. It's a circular room, one half is the bar, where they serve free jelly shots [all colors!] and other drinks [those they do charge, boo.]. The other half the sitting area, then in the center it's the dance floor. The roof is made out of glass so you can gaze into the sky, if you can do that and not pass out by the time you notice that detail. The room's not finished yet though, they want to make these four backrooms for romping. The hallways to get to those rooms will resemble Holland's Red District. My favorite place to sin. Damn, it was fun. The dancing, the grinding, the unknown mouths I kissed as they tempted me with delicious drinks, the rush, the adrenaline, and the bodies I friction with, the smell of hot, sweaty men, the euphoria... just thinking about it makes me hornier. I tried calling Rink twice but that didn't work. He'd love that place. Great music too. Hmm... I'm forgetting something. RIGHT. I had a threesome. *GROAN* Twins, oh my GOD. Oh the sinning! I'm so driving that minibus to hell. Heh. They were gorgeous. *swoon* I mean, such firm bodies, dark eyes, soft hair and eager to please. Who could resist them?! How they fought for my attention. And... Captain has just stood up erect and salutes. Damn it, now I can't move.
So yeah, yesterday wasn't so bad after all. Could have been worse. I'm at college right now, in the middle of class. Wireless internet can be such a savior. It's raining hard. I think it's going to turn into snow any moment now. Fudge, this class is so boring I might just start singing the alphabet out loud. Did I ever mention how peculiar I am?
Sunday, October 3, 2004
I write long entries
Jolly what a ride. And for once, I'm not talking about sex. Well... not entirely about sex. Because there is ALWAYS sex when it comes to moi. Let it be that I was talking about sex, that I was flirting with the other/same sex, that I fought because of sex, that I want sex... you can pretty much imagine the rest.
It's been quite the weekend. Dunno where to start. Letsee... the basic elements here are: Rink, sex, threesomes, cheating, Laurie, fights, Alice, issues, friends, sickness, Alek, anger and music. Yeah. Jam-packed and uber interesting for you gossip queens that love to see this crap happen to other people. You know who you are. This is for you.
Since life is short and books are long, I'm just gonna go basic. There were plenty of misconceptions and miscommunication from both parties [Party A= Rink, Party B= me]. According to Party A this has always been an OPEN RELATIONSHIP. I know what you're all thinking. "Dude, that's great! you're so fucking lucky with that piece of meat!". Believe it or not, I'm directly quoting someone. *hintNEMOhint* So yeah. True. That's the best thing that could ever happen to me. No strings attached, no explanations, nothing. Just great sex. Except [because life is full of these]... I didn't think it was fantastic, or great, or even the best thing that ever happened to me. At some point, I thought I might as well just die if they are handing me the knife. In case you didn't know, I tend to be overly dramatic. Blame my afternoon drama classes. Back to me. I got pissed off. And I mean, PISSED OFF. How only Michel can be pissed off. Yeah, scary shit.
You know the equation: pissed off = jumping into conclusions / closed to other's arguments x violent x jealous. An accident waiting to happen.
Rink and I had various fights. All of them because of other people, mainly other subjects that he fucked around with. It's not only kissing my good friends, it's fucking too. First, ALEK aka Uke1. Man, what was he thinking? wait, he probably wasn't thinking. All I can say is... yikes. He's cute and all, in a very girl-y way. Jeez. Other subject that Rink seems to fancy is a specimen named Laurie aka Uke2. I thought Lawrence from "Little Women" too. They look pretty similar. This guy swears he has a "wonderful personality". Pfft. If I were a fag hag I would say "Aw, they look so cute" but since I really care about myself, I'll refrain from ever saying that again. It's insulting. O_o And those are the ones that so far have been fucked by the Rink-machine. Do expect a weekly column with further updates. Back to you Michel.
Thank you self. So... I'm a possessive, jealous bastard. I get real mad when I label something as mine and that something thinks it has personality and goes off to do all kinds of things without my consent. That's pretty much what happened. I led myself to believe something that wasn't real, not even close to that. I got confused, sidetracked, whatever you want to call it. And what I find particularly funny, now, after a few drinks and a few cigarrettes, is that I wanted to yell at Rink for not being responsable for his own actions. For always wanting for me to be there to save him. I was so selfish and childish, it was actually amusing. I thought of sinking him in a pot of lava or torturing him with feathers and all kinds of disgusting things that would have him cry out for an inmediate bath. Yeah. I'm the king of torture >:D
After a few weeks of being a tightass and of believing in girl's fairy tales, I decided to stop the crap and come back to Michel 1.0, that was a fun version of me. There's only so much I can stand. Besides, since when did I become so desperate for certain things? Must have been high or something. Funny thing is, Rink is probably still pissed at me. I did visit him earlier, our much needed sexual encounter. You know, to free certain energies and crap. He's such a horny dog. I think it bothers him that I tell him that. It's the truth. You'd think he's a guppy in certain aspects but in fact, he's a shark in them. It's funny actually. My lil' boy is all grown up. Still have some training to do though. If only Uke2 hadn't interrupted our stretching session. >;)
So I'm back. *public groans* Yes, I hate you too. <3 Did I mention that I love oxymorons?
I've drowned most of my feelings in music. I better go now. Damn tired and I want to be half-alive when Rink comes back.
And because poetry is never overrated:
The lost promise
Of the dying sigh
Was caught in an angel's whisper
To be kissed good-bye.
Oh! and my words of wisdom for the day: If you can't win them, kill them :D
It's been quite the weekend. Dunno where to start. Letsee... the basic elements here are: Rink, sex, threesomes, cheating, Laurie, fights, Alice, issues, friends, sickness, Alek, anger and music. Yeah. Jam-packed and uber interesting for you gossip queens that love to see this crap happen to other people. You know who you are. This is for you.
Since life is short and books are long, I'm just gonna go basic. There were plenty of misconceptions and miscommunication from both parties [Party A= Rink, Party B= me]. According to Party A this has always been an OPEN RELATIONSHIP. I know what you're all thinking. "Dude, that's great! you're so fucking lucky with that piece of meat!". Believe it or not, I'm directly quoting someone. *hintNEMOhint* So yeah. True. That's the best thing that could ever happen to me. No strings attached, no explanations, nothing. Just great sex. Except [because life is full of these]... I didn't think it was fantastic, or great, or even the best thing that ever happened to me. At some point, I thought I might as well just die if they are handing me the knife. In case you didn't know, I tend to be overly dramatic. Blame my afternoon drama classes. Back to me. I got pissed off. And I mean, PISSED OFF. How only Michel can be pissed off. Yeah, scary shit.
You know the equation: pissed off = jumping into conclusions / closed to other's arguments x violent x jealous. An accident waiting to happen.
Rink and I had various fights. All of them because of other people, mainly other subjects that he fucked around with. It's not only kissing my good friends, it's fucking too. First, ALEK aka Uke1. Man, what was he thinking? wait, he probably wasn't thinking. All I can say is... yikes. He's cute and all, in a very girl-y way. Jeez. Other subject that Rink seems to fancy is a specimen named Laurie aka Uke2. I thought Lawrence from "Little Women" too. They look pretty similar. This guy swears he has a "wonderful personality". Pfft. If I were a fag hag I would say "Aw, they look so cute" but since I really care about myself, I'll refrain from ever saying that again. It's insulting. O_o And those are the ones that so far have been fucked by the Rink-machine. Do expect a weekly column with further updates. Back to you Michel.
Thank you self. So... I'm a possessive, jealous bastard. I get real mad when I label something as mine and that something thinks it has personality and goes off to do all kinds of things without my consent. That's pretty much what happened. I led myself to believe something that wasn't real, not even close to that. I got confused, sidetracked, whatever you want to call it. And what I find particularly funny, now, after a few drinks and a few cigarrettes, is that I wanted to yell at Rink for not being responsable for his own actions. For always wanting for me to be there to save him. I was so selfish and childish, it was actually amusing. I thought of sinking him in a pot of lava or torturing him with feathers and all kinds of disgusting things that would have him cry out for an inmediate bath. Yeah. I'm the king of torture >:D
After a few weeks of being a tightass and of believing in girl's fairy tales, I decided to stop the crap and come back to Michel 1.0, that was a fun version of me. There's only so much I can stand. Besides, since when did I become so desperate for certain things? Must have been high or something. Funny thing is, Rink is probably still pissed at me. I did visit him earlier, our much needed sexual encounter. You know, to free certain energies and crap. He's such a horny dog. I think it bothers him that I tell him that. It's the truth. You'd think he's a guppy in certain aspects but in fact, he's a shark in them. It's funny actually. My lil' boy is all grown up. Still have some training to do though. If only Uke2 hadn't interrupted our stretching session. >;)
So I'm back. *public groans* Yes, I hate you too. <3 Did I mention that I love oxymorons?
I've drowned most of my feelings in music. I better go now. Damn tired and I want to be half-alive when Rink comes back.
And because poetry is never overrated:
The lost promise
Of the dying sigh
Was caught in an angel's whisper
To be kissed good-bye.
Oh! and my words of wisdom for the day: If you can't win them, kill them :D
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
We're back home
Plane ride was... ick. Planes are evil, as is height. It's cold here. Rink couldn't tolerate the weather change very much. The effect of the pills I took for the ride is wearing off.
He confuses me so much. He drives me insane.
Rink's sick. He seems to have some kind of virus. He wanted to get better in an unconventional way... mainly sex. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Normally I'm all for the sex. You, my dear public, should know. But right now, I dunno what the fuck is wrong for me.
I'm overly sentimental. In the bad, lovey dovey song kind of way. I wanted to sing "Slide" for him. "SLIDE" for the love of GOD. I wanted to sing "Hanging by a moment" for him. Yes, it was horrible. I don't know what got into me. I just stared at him, while he coughed and did childish -yet adorable- things. I wanted to keep him there with me, forever, even if he's sick like now. I want to sit him on my lap and hear him breathe. It's so soothing. A breath... living... flesh. I evem got annoyed when Benjamin came over to visit. I hate it when people want to have their own happiness while detaching others of their own. I guess that makes me a hypocrit because I could care shit that I'm making someone unhappy because I'm with Rink. Fuck you all. I deserve my little piece of sunshine too >:|
My God, how can this be so frustrating?! I don't want to say it. I hate it that the words are hanging from my mouth, as if the chance were given they would jump out. I have enough issues with Rink trying to control me and have the upper hand, the last thing I need is for him to find out. If he did, I would be forced to deny it to bitter death and then my fears will make me turn into this violent animal that only wants raunchy sex and could care less about Rink's feelings. No one can touch what is mine or else I will have their head and hang it at the entrance door.
He said the magic words today. "That's so unlike you..." Why is it that loving is unlike me? why are you making me fall in love with you every day? you swoop me in, faster and deeper with each passing moment. What would I be without you? why does loving you make me the weak one? Here's the second. I'm afraid now. I want to hurt you. I want you away from me. And the second went by. I breathe, I regain myself. I look at you sleep. So vulnerable. You'd think a little flimsy thing like yourself couldn't even scratch me, much less hurt me and have me in alert mode.
DAMN YOU. I don't want to laugh in front of you, I don't want to smile in front of you, I don't want to fall in love even more with you, I don't want to get hurt by you, I don't want to be ashamed of this feeling. But I forgot you're a fallen angel. I took your hand, I'm falling with you... I'm scared when I look into your eyes. You make it all seem so real. I don't believe in love at first sight. I never believed in love. I've seen so many suffer because of it.
I didn't want to write here anymore. I don't like getting my feelings out of my shell, it gets so messy. O_O I start getting confused, I wonder what you need, I ask myself if I'm being to cruel with you, I ponder if you think of me every passing second... is love circumstancial? I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop writing songs about you. I can't stop breathing you, feeling you, kissing you, loving you... and I really hate myself in this lovey dovey crap. It's mutilatingly ANNOYING. I feel I've lost so much of me when I'm with you. The cynism, the hate, the barriers I built to protect me... they are all gone. I can't find them. I can't rebuild them for a long time. They fade away like sand castles. I'm passive. I've opened myself to you. I trust you. I feel I'm naked and I'm begging you to love me. My flaws are scattered about me. They bloom like flowers in early spring. Why do you like them so much?
How do you feel when it comes to me? have I forced you to love me? is it just lust? why won't you say? are you afraid like me? what do you think when you see me? what do you love of me? what do you hate? is my humanity so bizarre? why don't you touch me? am I still disgusting to you? why do I feel that you'll judge me if I ask things of you? do you mean everything you say? .... ok, stop the question session. I'm annoyed with myself now. ARGH self. Stop being such an idiot and focus on more important things!
...like brownies.
He confuses me so much. He drives me insane.
Rink's sick. He seems to have some kind of virus. He wanted to get better in an unconventional way... mainly sex. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Normally I'm all for the sex. You, my dear public, should know. But right now, I dunno what the fuck is wrong for me.
I'm overly sentimental. In the bad, lovey dovey song kind of way. I wanted to sing "Slide" for him. "SLIDE" for the love of GOD. I wanted to sing "Hanging by a moment" for him. Yes, it was horrible. I don't know what got into me. I just stared at him, while he coughed and did childish -yet adorable- things. I wanted to keep him there with me, forever, even if he's sick like now. I want to sit him on my lap and hear him breathe. It's so soothing. A breath... living... flesh. I evem got annoyed when Benjamin came over to visit. I hate it when people want to have their own happiness while detaching others of their own. I guess that makes me a hypocrit because I could care shit that I'm making someone unhappy because I'm with Rink. Fuck you all. I deserve my little piece of sunshine too >:|
My God, how can this be so frustrating?! I don't want to say it. I hate it that the words are hanging from my mouth, as if the chance were given they would jump out. I have enough issues with Rink trying to control me and have the upper hand, the last thing I need is for him to find out. If he did, I would be forced to deny it to bitter death and then my fears will make me turn into this violent animal that only wants raunchy sex and could care less about Rink's feelings. No one can touch what is mine or else I will have their head and hang it at the entrance door.
He said the magic words today. "That's so unlike you..." Why is it that loving is unlike me? why are you making me fall in love with you every day? you swoop me in, faster and deeper with each passing moment. What would I be without you? why does loving you make me the weak one? Here's the second. I'm afraid now. I want to hurt you. I want you away from me. And the second went by. I breathe, I regain myself. I look at you sleep. So vulnerable. You'd think a little flimsy thing like yourself couldn't even scratch me, much less hurt me and have me in alert mode.
DAMN YOU. I don't want to laugh in front of you, I don't want to smile in front of you, I don't want to fall in love even more with you, I don't want to get hurt by you, I don't want to be ashamed of this feeling. But I forgot you're a fallen angel. I took your hand, I'm falling with you... I'm scared when I look into your eyes. You make it all seem so real. I don't believe in love at first sight. I never believed in love. I've seen so many suffer because of it.
I didn't want to write here anymore. I don't like getting my feelings out of my shell, it gets so messy. O_O I start getting confused, I wonder what you need, I ask myself if I'm being to cruel with you, I ponder if you think of me every passing second... is love circumstancial? I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop writing songs about you. I can't stop breathing you, feeling you, kissing you, loving you... and I really hate myself in this lovey dovey crap. It's mutilatingly ANNOYING. I feel I've lost so much of me when I'm with you. The cynism, the hate, the barriers I built to protect me... they are all gone. I can't find them. I can't rebuild them for a long time. They fade away like sand castles. I'm passive. I've opened myself to you. I trust you. I feel I'm naked and I'm begging you to love me. My flaws are scattered about me. They bloom like flowers in early spring. Why do you like them so much?
How do you feel when it comes to me? have I forced you to love me? is it just lust? why won't you say? are you afraid like me? what do you think when you see me? what do you love of me? what do you hate? is my humanity so bizarre? why don't you touch me? am I still disgusting to you? why do I feel that you'll judge me if I ask things of you? do you mean everything you say? .... ok, stop the question session. I'm annoyed with myself now. ARGH self. Stop being such an idiot and focus on more important things!
...like brownies.
Monday, September 27, 2004
*growls at blogger*
I’m currently in the Dominican Republic, in Puerto Plata to be more specific. We got here on Wednesday. Yesterday we went to swim with the dolphins in Ocean World. It was fun. I went snorkeling too. Loads of big fishies and pretty corals. Rink hardly moved, he was too busy staring and being amazed by all the prettiness. I had to drag him everywhere; he’s still being a dickhead. He’s blocked when it comes to me, as the lovely witches from Santo Domingo would say.
At times when I’m with him, I get so confused and angry, I want to break his skull and look at him lie helplessly on the floor. He would plea, his sky blue eyes on the verge of tears. I would have him submitted, like a fallen prey in the hands of a merciless killer. I would lick his tears and kiss his lips, dry from the fear. In pure delight I would lick the blood off his face, then I would get on top of him to kiss him… to feel him. His body is such a marvel. It twists and flinches and turns all possible shades of red. Blood and tears. Just thinking about it makes me want to do him over and over him. *insert deep breath* who said sick pleasure couldn’t be equally enjoyable? Or even more?
Have I ever described my lover? He can be such a pest. Mind games are his speciality. He loves to give me a jesting, condescending look. He delights in tricking people and confusing them so they can loose focus. He seems to find the human mind to be amusing, specially when it looses track of what it’s saying or doing. He’s a mirage, harboring his innocent malice beneath an angel’s face. But have I ever told you how beautiful is the sky in his eyes? You can almost see stars take a peak at night. Those same eyes that hold so many secrets from me, those same eyes that submerge you in a frozen wasteland… he can stroke you with a gaze and make love to you with a smile. His hair is soft, black silk threads woven to perfection. I’ve wondered if roses kissed his skin at birth…
He inspires poetic verses out of me, along with insufferable bouts of lust and desire. Last night we had one of our famous random fights. It was just so stupid. And even so, I discovered something amidst all the crap. As my last bit of patience died away as a worn candle I saw that he’s every bit of my perfect imperfection. Haven’t I always described him as a fallen angel? My Dark Eros. I kiss your anger, I drink from your desolate sadness, I breathe your melancholy… what do you search for in others that you can’t find in your own self?
You grate my nerves you little asshole. You know how bad I want you, you know how you want me just as well! What the fuck is it with these questions?! You know I won’t answer them. Are you even more cynical than myself when it comes to you? Fucking pisses the hell out of me that you think everyone is as shallow as you are. You think you are only worth for the sex?! And of all people I AM telling you this. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. I swear but CHRIST, you sure as hell don’t help. You have any doubts, ASK ME. You have a mouth for something other than kissing and sucking.
To be continued…? Tan tan tan…
At times when I’m with him, I get so confused and angry, I want to break his skull and look at him lie helplessly on the floor. He would plea, his sky blue eyes on the verge of tears. I would have him submitted, like a fallen prey in the hands of a merciless killer. I would lick his tears and kiss his lips, dry from the fear. In pure delight I would lick the blood off his face, then I would get on top of him to kiss him… to feel him. His body is such a marvel. It twists and flinches and turns all possible shades of red. Blood and tears. Just thinking about it makes me want to do him over and over him. *insert deep breath* who said sick pleasure couldn’t be equally enjoyable? Or even more?
Have I ever described my lover? He can be such a pest. Mind games are his speciality. He loves to give me a jesting, condescending look. He delights in tricking people and confusing them so they can loose focus. He seems to find the human mind to be amusing, specially when it looses track of what it’s saying or doing. He’s a mirage, harboring his innocent malice beneath an angel’s face. But have I ever told you how beautiful is the sky in his eyes? You can almost see stars take a peak at night. Those same eyes that hold so many secrets from me, those same eyes that submerge you in a frozen wasteland… he can stroke you with a gaze and make love to you with a smile. His hair is soft, black silk threads woven to perfection. I’ve wondered if roses kissed his skin at birth…
He inspires poetic verses out of me, along with insufferable bouts of lust and desire. Last night we had one of our famous random fights. It was just so stupid. And even so, I discovered something amidst all the crap. As my last bit of patience died away as a worn candle I saw that he’s every bit of my perfect imperfection. Haven’t I always described him as a fallen angel? My Dark Eros. I kiss your anger, I drink from your desolate sadness, I breathe your melancholy… what do you search for in others that you can’t find in your own self?
You grate my nerves you little asshole. You know how bad I want you, you know how you want me just as well! What the fuck is it with these questions?! You know I won’t answer them. Are you even more cynical than myself when it comes to you? Fucking pisses the hell out of me that you think everyone is as shallow as you are. You think you are only worth for the sex?! And of all people I AM telling you this. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. I swear but CHRIST, you sure as hell don’t help. You have any doubts, ASK ME. You have a mouth for something other than kissing and sucking.
To be continued…? Tan tan tan…
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Survey already
What I think...
..snow?: Rink
..rain?: soft
..tornado?: destruction
..summer love?: Passing
..Jon?: John
..Mike?: Piazza
..banana?: Yum.
..dizzy?: up the girl
..Juan?: Luis Guerra
..car?: bmw
..white?: tainted
..peppermint?: gum
..New Found Glory?: Old Lost Failure
..orange juice?: Breakfast
..hate?: many
..school?: Life
..President?: No one
..football?: Cool
..rock?: forever
..sex?: on legs
..death?: inevitable
..baby?: innocence
..duuude?: surfer
..the end?: eternity
..snow?: Rink
..rain?: soft
..tornado?: destruction
..summer love?: Passing
..Jon?: John
..Mike?: Piazza
..banana?: Yum.
..dizzy?: up the girl
..Juan?: Luis Guerra
..car?: bmw
..white?: tainted
..peppermint?: gum
..New Found Glory?: Old Lost Failure
..orange juice?: Breakfast
..hate?: many
..school?: Life
..President?: No one
..football?: Cool
..rock?: forever
..sex?: on legs
..death?: inevitable
..baby?: innocence
..duuude?: surfer
..the end?: eternity
Monday, August 16, 2004
I've disappeared I know.
But you can't blame me. I've been working a lot lately. Burger King needs me! [/sarcasm].
No I don't work there mind you. I went over to Florida to look for some heat and sun but instead I get a hurricane. Isn't that wonderful? so that didn't last long. Rink was laughing so bad at me... not my fault I don't keep up with the weather channel >:| and since we got wet and he laughed so hard, he caught a cold. He blames it on me of course.
Other than that incident, I've been a good boy. Screwed-- tended my boyfriend, did the laundry and cooked. You may pet me. I also learned how to do tea to keep Rink's mouth busy. Insert all your naughty thoughts here.
I'm trying to convice Rink to go to Greece so we can actually do SOMETHING this summer. A nice change of scenery won't hurt but the plane ride will kill me. I HATE PLANES. *growl*
So now that I'm done whinning I'll go back and take care of my boyfriend.
No I don't work there mind you. I went over to Florida to look for some heat and sun but instead I get a hurricane. Isn't that wonderful? so that didn't last long. Rink was laughing so bad at me... not my fault I don't keep up with the weather channel >:| and since we got wet and he laughed so hard, he caught a cold. He blames it on me of course.
Other than that incident, I've been a good boy. Screwed-- tended my boyfriend, did the laundry and cooked. You may pet me. I also learned how to do tea to keep Rink's mouth busy. Insert all your naughty thoughts here.
I'm trying to convice Rink to go to Greece so we can actually do SOMETHING this summer. A nice change of scenery won't hurt but the plane ride will kill me. I HATE PLANES. *growl*
So now that I'm done whinning I'll go back and take care of my boyfriend.
Sunday, August 8, 2004
Argh to the infinite
I'm so fucking mad. I have this big ass headache mixed up with this big ass short of breath thing along with RINK internet flirting. Dude... don't you know ANYTHING?! why... of course not. Since we met little Alice, which I think he likes or something, oh by the by, I'm paranoid, he's been focusing on her as an excuse to ignore me. ARGH.
I'm a JEALOUS person. J-E-A-L-O-U-S. I'm an attention whore and I need people to LOVE me or atleast treat me-- you know what. If you don't know this, then fuck you. I'm sure as hell not going to tell you. Go fuck a tree.
ARGH. Violence. Violence. Must do therapy. Pills. Something. Must cool. Must be calm. Think happy violent thoughts. Ok bad. Damn, where's a shrink when you need one?
::EDIT:: later that morning... 8 am...
We made up. Woo.
The end.
Ok no. That's not the end. It was great actually. I just hate talking about my happy stuff because then people will envy me and jinx me. Whatever.
We had a big -little- fight over nothing very relevant, other than I'm a big jealous freak and Rink is a very possessive person and doesn't want me to flirt but he can. Yes. You can stop laughing at us. We're adorable in our own way.
After I apologized and he apologized, we had great love making. Sex I mean. Ok. Both. I love him damnit so I can be corny! uh-oh, mah lover is stirring. Must tend to his needs.
And yes, I love you fans so much that I only wake up to update you.
I'm a JEALOUS person. J-E-A-L-O-U-S. I'm an attention whore and I need people to LOVE me or atleast treat me-- you know what. If you don't know this, then fuck you. I'm sure as hell not going to tell you. Go fuck a tree.
ARGH. Violence. Violence. Must do therapy. Pills. Something. Must cool. Must be calm. Think happy violent thoughts. Ok bad. Damn, where's a shrink when you need one?
::EDIT:: later that morning... 8 am...
We made up. Woo.
The end.
Ok no. That's not the end. It was great actually. I just hate talking about my happy stuff because then people will envy me and jinx me. Whatever.
We had a big -little- fight over nothing very relevant, other than I'm a big jealous freak and Rink is a very possessive person and doesn't want me to flirt but he can. Yes. You can stop laughing at us. We're adorable in our own way.
After I apologized and he apologized, we had great love making. Sex I mean. Ok. Both. I love him damnit so I can be corny! uh-oh, mah lover is stirring. Must tend to his needs.
And yes, I love you fans so much that I only wake up to update you.
Friday, August 6, 2004
Get ready for this: Michel is BORED
I'm not used to being back. Feels as if this is a baby I have to take care of, feeding it words so it doesn't die on me. Hmm. I'm all alone at home [it's tradition] and Rink is at the office working... or reading smut... or playing in his laptop. Whichever really. And since I'm all alone, with nothing better to do than chat online and write here... I'll do it good.
A small update on my life. [Hold on to your pony].
I dunno where to start. For starters, I'm no longer single but I guess you all know THAT by now. If not, dumbasses, read previous posts. My Rink... ahhh... feels so good to say that! *feels devilish* eat your heart out stinkin' DELTONS! HAH.
Ahem, sorry. That was my inmaturity. I'm sure you'll get acquainted with it soon enough.
I worked as Rink's bodyguard after a while. Technically I'm still under-contract. It fits my personality quite well: protective, obsessive, zealous, jealous, possessive, *insert more adjectives*[sp?]... and currently, I'm unemployed because I do absolutely nothing the whole day other than wake up, eat, do something random, wait for Rink to get here then dedicate all my time to Rink.
Hmm, I just thought of condoms. Heh. I don't use those anymore *evuuul*
Yes, I'm your basic little housewife. Anyone has a problem with it can fuck me. Oh no wait. Bad me. That's no longer allowed. *evuul again*
And I moved. We live in Detroit, not Boston. Too much crap in Boston, too many painful events and painful everything to keep on living there. Not to mention a very annoying human being stalking MY Rink. *glare* I'm a big anti-change person [again, you don't know that what on earth are you doing here? ¬¬] but this was necessary.
Oh yeah, allow me clear out something. I may come out as mean, sarcastic and all that to you. Don't worry. That's who I am. Get used to it. *sticks tongue out*
God, this inmaturity is getting on my nerves >:|
Considering that I'm all alone... bored... I got myself involved in this big project. It's big, very big. I mean. I have no other words other than BIG to describe it. I have my vision and it's on the works. You'll find out soon enough, trust me. I have been working on it for a while now.
I rejoined my band. "Acronym". I'm not exactly desperate for activity but they are desperate for a member [more specifically, moi]. I've written a few songs so, why not?
"If I only had one life to live
Wouldn't it be easier to die today
No past to hold and no future to give
Dust the star left in the way
But if that would have been so
Let myself believe that this life is not mine
I would die without knowing
That 'love' is not enough
That 'love' is beyond me now
What I feel for you is not merely love
Beyond songs and poetry, beyond sun-bathed skies
Beyond flowers and sugar-coated lies
..."
I'll leave my inspirational flow here. My eyes hurt and I'm starved. Must catch Rink for some lunch. I have complicated concept for songs and I really hate it when words are not enough.
There. No complaining people. A real post! and long too!
A small update on my life. [Hold on to your pony].
I dunno where to start. For starters, I'm no longer single but I guess you all know THAT by now. If not, dumbasses, read previous posts. My Rink... ahhh... feels so good to say that! *feels devilish* eat your heart out stinkin' DELTONS! HAH.
Ahem, sorry. That was my inmaturity. I'm sure you'll get acquainted with it soon enough.
I worked as Rink's bodyguard after a while. Technically I'm still under-contract. It fits my personality quite well: protective, obsessive, zealous, jealous, possessive, *insert more adjectives*[sp?]... and currently, I'm unemployed because I do absolutely nothing the whole day other than wake up, eat, do something random, wait for Rink to get here then dedicate all my time to Rink.
Hmm, I just thought of condoms. Heh. I don't use those anymore *evuuul*
Yes, I'm your basic little housewife. Anyone has a problem with it can fuck me. Oh no wait. Bad me. That's no longer allowed. *evuul again*
And I moved. We live in Detroit, not Boston. Too much crap in Boston, too many painful events and painful everything to keep on living there. Not to mention a very annoying human being stalking MY Rink. *glare* I'm a big anti-change person [again, you don't know that what on earth are you doing here? ¬¬] but this was necessary.
Oh yeah, allow me clear out something. I may come out as mean, sarcastic and all that to you. Don't worry. That's who I am. Get used to it. *sticks tongue out*
God, this inmaturity is getting on my nerves >:|
Considering that I'm all alone... bored... I got myself involved in this big project. It's big, very big. I mean. I have no other words other than BIG to describe it. I have my vision and it's on the works. You'll find out soon enough, trust me. I have been working on it for a while now.
I rejoined my band. "Acronym". I'm not exactly desperate for activity but they are desperate for a member [more specifically, moi]. I've written a few songs so, why not?
"If I only had one life to live
Wouldn't it be easier to die today
No past to hold and no future to give
Dust the star left in the way
But if that would have been so
Let myself believe that this life is not mine
I would die without knowing
That 'love' is not enough
That 'love' is beyond me now
What I feel for you is not merely love
Beyond songs and poetry, beyond sun-bathed skies
Beyond flowers and sugar-coated lies
..."
I'll leave my inspirational flow here. My eyes hurt and I'm starved. Must catch Rink for some lunch. I have complicated concept for songs and I really hate it when words are not enough.
There. No complaining people. A real post! and long too!
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Well lookie here...
I'm back. Not by popular demand mind you, simply because I wanted to. So HAH. Take that invisible person.
Why did I decide to update this again, basically, let you all have an indecent view of my life? I'm an attention whore I suppose. So those of you who thought were actually rid of me, guess again. The sadistic bastard you all love to hate is back, for good. [or atleast until I get tired of being a blogging slave].
Speaking of slaves... *purr*
My computer is pretty much dead so don't expect A LOT of updates until it decides to be nice again or until I decide to fix it. Whichever really.
Enough with being pointless.
Why did I decide to update this again, basically, let you all have an indecent view of my life? I'm an attention whore I suppose. So those of you who thought were actually rid of me, guess again. The sadistic bastard you all love to hate is back, for good. [or atleast until I get tired of being a blogging slave].
Speaking of slaves... *purr*
My computer is pretty much dead so don't expect A LOT of updates until it decides to be nice again or until I decide to fix it. Whichever really.
Enough with being pointless.
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Replaced
I've been replaced, shunned, pushed aside... I'm not priority. Well, are we surprised? Why OF COURSE NOT. I've been pushed aside ever since this fucking new year started... right in the middle of the first month. Things have been loosing pace, loosing pretty much everything.
SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?
But things change.
Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley
[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]
Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.
I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.
Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part
I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars
When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream
I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.
-Me [10:25 pm]
Long time no write.
...
*sigh*
...
I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.
I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.
SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?
But things change.
Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley
[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]
Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.
I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.
Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part
I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars
When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream
I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.
-Me [10:25 pm]
Long time no write.
...
*sigh*
...
I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.
I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.
Friday, February 13, 2004
Secrecy
A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?
I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.
St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.
I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...
Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]
He sent me a card though... yay.
*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*
--
Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.
It's killing me...
I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.
I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.
*shoots self*
I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.
St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.
I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...
Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]
He sent me a card though... yay.
*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*
--
Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.
It's killing me...
I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.
I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.
*shoots self*
Thursday, January 1, 2004
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