We're back home

Plane ride was... ick. Planes are evil, as is height. It's cold here. Rink couldn't tolerate the weather change very much. The effect of the pills I took for the ride is wearing off.

He confuses me so much. He drives me insane.

Rink's sick. He seems to have some kind of virus. He wanted to get better in an unconventional way... mainly sex. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Normally I'm all for the sex. You, my dear public, should know. But right now, I dunno what the fuck is wrong for me.

I'm overly sentimental. In the bad, lovey dovey song kind of way. I wanted to sing "Slide" for him. "SLIDE" for the love of GOD. I wanted to sing "Hanging by a moment" for him. Yes, it was horrible. I don't know what got into me. I just stared at him, while he coughed and did childish -yet adorable- things. I wanted to keep him there with me, forever, even if he's sick like now. I want to sit him on my lap and hear him breathe. It's so soothing. A breath... living... flesh. I evem got annoyed when Benjamin came over to visit. I hate it when people want to have their own happiness while detaching others of their own. I guess that makes me a hypocrit because I could care shit that I'm making someone unhappy because I'm with Rink. Fuck you all. I deserve my little piece of sunshine too >:|

My God, how can this be so frustrating?! I don't want to say it. I hate it that the words are hanging from my mouth, as if the chance were given they would jump out. I have enough issues with Rink trying to control me and have the upper hand, the last thing I need is for him to find out. If he did, I would be forced to deny it to bitter death and then my fears will make me turn into this violent animal that only wants raunchy sex and could care less about Rink's feelings. No one can touch what is mine or else I will have their head and hang it at the entrance door.

He said the magic words today. "That's so unlike you..." Why is it that loving is unlike me? why are you making me fall in love with you every day? you swoop me in, faster and deeper with each passing moment. What would I be without you? why does loving you make me the weak one? Here's the second. I'm afraid now. I want to hurt you. I want you away from me. And the second went by. I breathe, I regain myself. I look at you sleep. So vulnerable. You'd think a little flimsy thing like yourself couldn't even scratch me, much less hurt me and have me in alert mode.

DAMN YOU. I don't want to laugh in front of you, I don't want to smile in front of you, I don't want to fall in love even more with you, I don't want to get hurt by you, I don't want to be ashamed of this feeling. But I forgot you're a fallen angel. I took your hand, I'm falling with you... I'm scared when I look into your eyes. You make it all seem so real. I don't believe in love at first sight. I never believed in love. I've seen so many suffer because of it.

I didn't want to write here anymore. I don't like getting my feelings out of my shell, it gets so messy. O_O I start getting confused, I wonder what you need, I ask myself if I'm being to cruel with you, I ponder if you think of me every passing second... is love circumstancial? I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop writing songs about you. I can't stop breathing you, feeling you, kissing you, loving you... and I really hate myself in this lovey dovey crap. It's mutilatingly ANNOYING. I feel I've lost so much of me when I'm with you. The cynism, the hate, the barriers I built to protect me... they are all gone. I can't find them. I can't rebuild them for a long time. They fade away like sand castles. I'm passive. I've opened myself to you. I trust you. I feel I'm naked and I'm begging you to love me. My flaws are scattered about me. They bloom like flowers in early spring. Why do you like them so much?

How do you feel when it comes to me? have I forced you to love me? is it just lust? why won't you say? are you afraid like me? what do you think when you see me? what do you love of me? what do you hate? is my humanity so bizarre? why don't you touch me? am I still disgusting to you? why do I feel that you'll judge me if I ask things of you? do you mean everything you say? .... ok, stop the question session. I'm annoyed with myself now. ARGH self. Stop being such an idiot and focus on more important things!
...like brownies.