We finally reached a compromise. After extensive therapy (both physical and emotional) Rink decided to stay. It took longer than expected since I had to use my coaxing abilities. Be afraid :P There must be something downright wrong about me trying to convince someone to trust me. Heh.
So what happened after the "Singing in the Rain" momentum?
We went inside the loft and took a bath. Not together pervs. We needed dry clothes or we [more Rink than I] would have died of a neumonia. Once we were all dry and groomed, it was time for me to start conversating with him. Yes, the apocalypse is near. It was... awkward but I didn't let it show. I'm not used to this in least. It's almost against my nature! but then I remind myself I'm going to be psychologist. But we won't get into that one. As I was saying... I told him why I did what I did. Ick. I hate explaining myself. And all of this was happening while I cradled him in my arms. He shook like a maraca in a Cuban number. They were violent tremors, like seizures or something. He's not used to positive touch of any kind and I'm thinking that likewise with genuine positive words. It's the anti-thesis of a normal person. This was the moment in which I noticed that this was the beginning of a very long and painful process. Detachment is not an option in this case even if I've been considering it over and over again since last night.
I must be stupid. Look at my side of the compromise. I agreed to give him part in everything I have [my sexual talents included] in exchange for us to make out, have sex and fool around. I want all that he can offer me. Roommates with privilages. He did warn me that he is the demanding type. He doesn't even have to pay rent. All he needs to do is BREATHE, LIVE, SHIT, EAT, SLEEP, ETC and he's all well. I even offered my services as a bodyguard. In comes: WTF?! what was I thinking?! was I even thinking?! is he pulling some weird witchcraft on me? O_O He did say something about leeching but I wasn't listening all that well. I just wanted him to stay, no matter what. That can be a somewhat reasonable explanation of why someone in their right mind would agree to all of this for a MEASLY pay. Even *I* find it fishy. Damn. Oh well. I have to keep this promise.
Just remembering last night makes want to make myself bleed. The frustration most of all. I was so out of it. A lifeless piece of meat for a while. And that my friends had a purpose. So I wouldn't find myself wanting to jump on him and doing him some more. We've had enough of me jumping on him for a good while. *frustration* Hell, the world should hand me an award for more resistance. The guy actually asked me to apply cream on his naked back. What is he? STUPID?! dude, you forget real quickly or you forgive real quickly or you're just stoned. I have no idea how I could keep 'junior' down but I just did. I nonchalantly applied it and nonchalantly left the room. Then I sat down on the stairway to think because that was an activity that I hadn't practiced in the whole episode. I let everything sink in. How I abilitated the habitat for my new pet. At some point I know I felt scared. I felt I wanted to run away from this. And you know, it would have been more reasonable to think of kicking him out of my life. But noooo, Michi likes Rinki. Michi wants to keep Rinki. Damn hormones.
Actually I like hormones. I can pin it all on them.
Man, the angst that overcame me when I kissed him. Jesus. He almost died. [Did you notice how Rink is almost dying in this whole entry? he's a species in extinction almost]. He pulled away and blinked. I kissed him again and he nearly pleaded when he asked if the privilages started right now. He meant sexual privilages. I just told him I was kissing him good-night. Bullshit Rink. I wanted to get in your pants! :o Actually no. I didn't want to at the moment. I just ached for touch, not to mention my hard-on was driving me insane.
As I sat on the stairway I wanted to go clubbing. I wanted new people, distractions... anything. I couldn't bring myself to leave him though. So I just sat there and thought about sandcastles. And how sandcastles are sad for me. They symbolize sad things. So poo. I'm not in the mood for depression right now. But, I was in the mood for some masturbating [how sad ;-;]. I didn't need that mentally though. I was in some other dimension. One were this crap of human relations wouldn't be so complicated. One in which pain and suffering would be part of dreams. I laughed of course. I enjoy pain. Reminds me that I'm alive and yet I don't want them to suffer. I don't want Rink to suffer, I don't want Caterina to suffer...
And while I masturbated, or once I was done with the self-service, I thought about how I've changed. What have I become and for who. We are not in this earth for anyone other than ourselves, right? so why do we care? so others care about us in exchange? How vain.
I don't want you to spread your wings, if that means that you'll be leaving me. But I'm over that now.
ARGH! what else is there for me to say?! what else do you want to know other than I'm trying not to get too involved so I don't regret it later and yet I'm doing the exact opposite. Oh, I'll so laugh at myself when shit happens. You'll see. I'll laugh at my stupidity >_>
For the record: my other favorite person to blame for my misfortunes... RINK.
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