Birthday Salutations

Happy Birthday to my other half... <3 Ich liebe dich. Can't wait to find you.

If you want to, I can save you

It's late. I might as well wait for the sunset right? I haven't been able to sleep since I've been working really hard on various projects I've left on hold.

All that I know is that I love my twin to pieces. She will always be the first and only woman in my life that will mean anything to me, along with my sister, Katzereine Cil. But you know, Caterina and I are really close. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I feel sad when truth hits either one of us, I guess we never really grew up ready for hard-hitting reality. I know it seems stupid on my part, let's be real. I've lived way too much shit. Arrests, gangs, violence of all kinds... still, nothing hurts more than an emotional blow. Those that school doesn't train you for.

I love my twin. I love my twin forever. I guess I just need to say this for a bit. So I wouldn't feel so bad just because I can't heal her. Or I can't even approach her when she's upset, angry or betrayed. She still resents me for letting her down. She still resents me for not coming to her rescue. For a knight in shinning armor on stand-by, I failed miserably.

Let's be real. I fail all the time (Math and Science class specially). It just... aches all over. I used to be her everything, she was my everything. Now she hates me for having what I have. No. It's for caring the way I do. She thinks it's stupid therefore finds my problems idiotic. But anyone would feel that way after a break-up where you are forced to find a new prince. Been kissing one too many frogs, huh.

Caterina, I really love you and I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, I'm sorry for loosing you in the process, I'm sorry. And for all those times that will surely come where I will disappoint you again. That and death are the only certain things in life. I do wish you happiness. It won't stop me from taking care of you and questioning every man that comes knocking on your door, it's my job. I'm your big brother (by 5 minutes).

I just wish... you wouldn't hate me. And it's been more than one occasion where I wish I could turn back time and be back to those days where we used to share popsicles under the sun. Or when we made sand castles that would touch the sky. Or whenever dad came by with two lollipops. Stupid memories. Happy memories.

Most of all, I'm sorry if I seem kid-like to you. I guess... I still need to grow up. But I guess it's post like these that piss you off. Well, then don't read it. I promise I'll get out of your pink hair for a while. Though... if you're ever feeling not like yourself, and you want someone to hug, stand by you, listen or just have a staring match; give me a call.

Thierry and I are good again. Yay. Sappy moment over.

My head really hurts. It's been like this since 12 AM. Sucks man. Want to seriously blow my brains out.

The crowd still cheers

Congratulations to my twin for competing on a songwriting/performance contest and excelling in the way she did. I'm very proud. And hey, who knows, maybe a collaboration is in store for us. I'll look forward to it. You did wonderful.

Now that I've ended my proud papa bear speech, I will continue to say the following: Thierry, what you told me last night was and still is a bad idea. We cannot validate our relationship that way, in fact, I'm afraid it'll make it WORSE. Hell, it might even separate us because we won't have time for ourselves... maybe we need therapy. Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it as I've been doing. I don't want to bring more attention to this because it might just be a nuisance. We all crave for attention, I guess I just lost my head back there. Along with my hair. Which I still don't miss, strange huh?

For those who are DYING to know, he liked the cut. Yes, we can all breathe safely now.

Either way... I have a lot to give to you, Thierry. The same way I would be more than willing to give all that love to a child. Maybe that IS the right way...? I'm not good at this. Might as well ask dad, he might know something. Or submit us to couples counseling. Whichever comes first.

I love you. I promise to give you no more headaches. And whatever you wish to do, I will support you.

I'm tired. I need sleep, I have plenty of compromises and appointments tomorrow (or should I say later on in the day?).

Hair... again

Thank you to all of those that had something to say about it. Whether they liked it or not, whether it was eloquently (word-of-the-day toilet paper) said or just with a jaw drop, or big eyes, or mild insinuations over my course of life.

I'm not feeling remorse yet. I'm thinking it'll come any minute now, especially after seeing all the pictures. I guess my big hair was my thing, and now I got rid of my thing, so I have nothing at the current moment. No pun intended. No comment from the Thierry or Caterina camp, I'm awaiting news from their PR.

My dad dropped his new mini buddha when he saw. I guess it's tradition, everytime a mini buddha of dad's is broken, it means something. God knows. He didn't speak but kept following me, staring at my head in sheer disbelief. He said he had never seen my head that naked, except when I was born. I could see that he was extremely worried, mostly because his eyes kept twitching. Maybe he was annoyed or something. He's forcing me into therapy because he says this is close to Britney's head-shaving-desperate-call-for-attention-before-a-breakdown.

I'm not having a breakdown. If I were on the verge of one, I wouldn't notice.

Why I did it though... that's what you're all wondering after your jaws made a hole on the floor. Someone suggested that in true J-Dorama fashion, I was making this as some weird-ass statement / symbolism that I am mourning a love, or that I feel rejected by a love or that I'm seeking a love's forgiveness. There's so many stupid tangents (wotdtp) to this theory, seriously. It's pissing me off. And you know, I have no real reason to explain myself to ANYONE but apparently this will be a bomb scare all over again if I don't.

I did it because I wanted to. Because I've been mulling it for a few days now, since that photoshoot in Atlanta, if I remember correctly. So don't be so surprised. If you are, that just goes to show how you don't take me seriously >/

I want to validate myself through this change. I want to become someone else, and by this, I will become stronger. I'm sick of arguing with people I really care about (YES YOU CATERINA, YES YOU THIERRY) on a daily basis and I am sick of them doubting every fucking little second that I actually give a flying fuck about them. I'm also sick of myself. It is not in my DNA to feel so damn weak, needy and abandoned every fucking day. People are trying, that should be more than enough for me. So this where I meet them half way. I cut away what's holding me back. I become stronger; I stop relying on people. No way in hell I'm forcing myself on someone like a burden. I can stand on my own... or at least that's something I'd like to believe.

Thierry is my reason for everything I do. Live, breathe... and more often than not I feel like he's just lugging me around, which is quite hard. You'd understand if you see his size and mine. I don't want to become a burden... but I'm being taught to share my feelings, which is honestly, the MAIN reason why things are so fucked up right now for me. People get really closed up, they become scared of me through my words or worse, they grow to hate me. My twin sister is a great example. I'm very up front, I'm very mean and I'm an oaf.

I'll be realistic, I won't say I'll keep quiet and I'll never speak again. That's what I want to do, so all the shit will just stop. But Thierry says that it's not right, I can't afford more rifts with him right now. I'm going to officially stop waiting for him to save me. He's done enough, more than enough. I don't want to loose him. Too many close-calls. I'm keeping my end of the deal, I'm taking a step in moving towards him, I just needed more courage from within to go with it. So the hair's gone. And hopefully all my insufficiencies along with it.

Stop worrying. I don't feel so broken anymore. Though that might go down the drain if Thierry hates it. We'll see.

Hair

I cut my hair.



Yeah... my big, fluffy, messy hair is gone. It's weird, man. I feel my nape is exposed. I'm not even sure if it looks good or not. I just went to my hair stylist in a daze.

I don't remember how I managed to get up so fucking early in the morning... especially after the big ass fight I had with my twin. I didn't feel like getting out of bed or even moving. But I woke up at 7 a-fucking-m, made breakfast and left. I don't know how I got to the hair place, I guess I was on automatic. Pookie is the only one that's seen it. He growled at me, I don't know what that means. Maybe he didn't recognize me without the mane.

...if you don't like it, suck it up. >/

I wonder what Thierry will think...

All I can do is keep breathing

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.

Birthday Salutations

Happy Birthday to my older sister, Katzereine ... <3

...

As for my twin, I need to seriously meet up with her and solve our shit. It's driving me insane and pissing me off like no tomorrow.