I want to believe in more than you and me

Compared to everyone else in this sudden 'blogging' community, I'm very slow with my updates. I guess I'm the only one with half a life or a shitload of denial. Whichever really, they both suit me. I miss my twin.

Taking guitar lessons all over again has allowed me to calm down and deal with my inner crap. (I will forever remove the word demon from my vocabulary). Or at least, I can ignore it with a better excuse. Though I've had to deal with it since I had a minor breakdown in front of Thierry. That wasn't nice for me, specially because he was so surprised and he looked so hurt. Of course he didn't know, considering how careful I've been. I want to get over these things on my own... perhaps in a stupid attempt to not depend as much as I already do on him.

I really love him. I really want to make him happy. And most of all, I want him to be proud of me. Ugh. In case you're curious, my dignity is down the drain by now.

But I guess what everyone else says is true. We're too different. I never minded. I didn't care shit because I loved him, I had been lucky enough to find him and there was no way anyone was going to take him away from me. Now... I can't stop thinking that he's with me because he's forced to, or worse, used to it. He wouldn't leave me because he's used to me. Then I think, Thierry isn't like that. Thierry leaves, point period. So my insecurities are stupid but still there.

It's not my fault. I've been raised to believe that relationships don't work. I mean, seriously. Look at my parents. Knocked up at 16 with a 14 year old father, be real. Katzereine found her prince charming. I found my love. I just... don't know how to keep him when I feel I am constantly on the verge of loosing him. He tells me otherwise... I believe him. Or... at least I want to. He's been patient enough. He kissed me when I didn't deserve that reward from him. I love him for bearing with me. I love him for all that I want to be when I'm with him.

All I wish is for more confidence... I mean, how fucking hard is it for me to just live with what I have? And not be in this constant fear that he'll leave me? I want him to kiss me more. I want him to touch me more, hug me more and adore me more.

I'm too selfish. We all are. I really need to call my twin.

It's about time for us to stop believing in fairy tales. But we'll talk about this some other time.

I cried today

Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.

But if this was so... how come they were so salty?

My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.

After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?

I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.

I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.

What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.

Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!

Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!

So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.

I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?

It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.

<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.

I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.

I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.

Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".

I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.

I live for you, so----

DEMN, so clingy!

*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*

RESUME: I suck.

---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*

I can give you stars

I have no idea why that line there gives me this awful gut-wrenching melancholy.

Maybe because Rink is already focusing on Ashley, maybe because he's gone hetero and for the time being so will I [or I'll fool myself to believe that], maybe because he already found a song for them and they are not even together [yet].

So this is the so-called MISERY. How I drag her, riding on my back as she hammers my head with her words. Oh how it hurts right now.

I did something nice for someone I just met in the net. I couldn't stand one more miserable being like myself, I would murder. Had to change that. I want to be miserable alone.

I hate Rink right now. He should rot up in hell with Ashley and die there... ok, maybe he could rot up in a cage by my bedside.
I'm so fucking down, I'm so gloomed, I'm so unhappy with everything and everyone. I have stacks of cookies and coke to prevent me from killing myself. The tummy will do that for me.

I miss Caterina. I want her here.

Dude the migrane is driving me INSANE.