Goodness

I'm going to fuck her. I am a sex machine. So this is what I used to do before I went right unto his trap... make them believe I want them, that I can't live without them, giving them so much pleasure they might burst. Indeed. I'm going to fuck Lucille.

Ranting away

So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.

Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.

It just happened to me.

It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.

Why I wonder...

I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.

Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.

Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.

Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.

If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!

I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.

WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.

. . .

Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.

*groans*

I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.

Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.

Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*

It's funny isn't it?

The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.

So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.

I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?

Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?

What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?

He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.

How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.

ARGH

I don't even know why I update today, I have nothing new to say, other than Rink and Veronique are quite the pair. And that Ashley and Lucille are unbearable. Pack of snobs and stuck ups. Can't stand them anymore.

I need to get my social life going again but this stupid school barely lets me see any girls other than my sister but now I really don't mind. There are always the guy's locker rooms. *devil look*

Ack. I have no creativity today. Fucking school sucking up my brain dry. I hate it. I hate it. It should die. I want it to rot up and die.

BLAH.

BWUAHAHAHHAH! I am not dead >D

Greetings my followers. Yes you were concerned for me, I know you were. You weren't? then why the hell are you here in the first place?! >_< Ahem.

Update: I AM alive. Above the obvious, I am going to a concert tomorrow, an Alejandro Sanz concert for your inconvenience. It's all the way in Dominican Republic, I got free tickets from my sister so why miss the oportunity?

Eric is still being the same old dickhead, harrassing Caterina.

Lucy and Rink are a mystery...

Vero is here with me playing Smash Bros. Meelee in my new gamecube XD though she made me swear not to tell anyone I beat her twice. OK... she smacked me. Though I didn't really beat her. I cheated. Ugh... she smacked me again.

I arrive the same day of the concert then Saturay I'm going to the beach and I return to R.A. on Sunday.

Benjamin just entered and joined us in our little tournament. And I'm screwed. He caught unto me. Damn it.