Jaws-a-droppin'

Wow. I haven't updated in like... forever. Well I've been busy so fuck off. But before you do that, look at how hot I still am. Hair's a little longer now.

There is a lot of shit going around. Like... Nathan has a journal now which is pretty WTF considering he's such a secretive person. I mean he's tougher to get into than the FBI Headquarters on a bad day. WHICH made the journal creation surprising but not so surprising the journal abandonment. I mean, who was he kidding? >> It's frickin' Nathan. Super secret, non-trusting, scary Nathan. Doesn't matter if there is this peaceful dude trying to take his place. There are some things that are permanent with people. Like me for example. I will always be growling and horny. You can count on that like... the day only has 24 hours. Nathan is a very cynical person that is very careful with whom he cares about because he's one of those people that's been burned pretty badly. That or he just wants to control everyone because it's fun. He's a Gemini. The intentions switch.

What is even MORE surprising than Nathan getting a journal (which trust me, is shocking enough, I mean jaws dropped), is who Nathan is choosing to hang out with these days.

Man. I am like fucking Perez Hilton here. Ah whatever, you don't like it, go hump a tree. (See? I was NICE)

So he's hanging out with Earl CraPercy, who is like a big shit in England. Yeah I know he's my friend too, whatever, suck my dick. I can be a jealous fucker if I so desire. I mean, how unlikely is that?! They have NOTHING in common. At least from this perspective. Except that they both enjoy things that grow from the earth. And that is green. That's all I am saying and seeing.

What's even funnier is Nathan's current particular lovelust interest (because TRUST ME, he has plenty)... Veronique Reinard. Again, second jaw drop. She is the little queen of the school, really popular, really rich and spoiled and treats people like shit. Not only that, she likes to sleep around and pepper that with occasional kinky sex. And she is really into fashion and drinking and has the patience of a stockbroker. So... what of that SCREAMS Nathan? Well she does have a whacked sense of humor. Guess that's good or something?

Adding to that FUN... is the fact that my sister is now the center of everything. I remember when I was popular or so because I was actively modeling. My sister is popular for being a virgin and dating a school jock PLUS being chased by a teacher PLUS having a weird rocker chick as a best friend PLUS having the queen bee follow her around trying to get her to join her clique or something. And you thought that Caterina didn't have a full round up life. >>

Backing up to Nathan, Veronique hates Ashley because she slept with Nathan (according to some sources more than once) and they were friends or something and like Ashley broke a code of women or something. Point is, Veronique won't let it go and Ashley is not about to get some shit from anyone. I hate her so I am all 'Team Veronique' on this one. Then again, she's a fucking beehive, keeps stinging whenever you try to get close. I mean, she disses Veronique in her journal by complaining about how rich people this and rich people that. Makes me think that Ashley is even more narrow-minded than expected. I mean, if you REALLY think that Veronique is just a materialistic bitch and that nothing bad happens to her or that she doesn't care about anything else... stop doing drugs. Same goes for Ashley. She's not JUST about world peace. I am hoping. She's probably a lonely little pup wrapped in a bitch package.

In fact... I am so entertained right now that I will make a pretty little image on Photoshop (because I finally learned how to work that shit) and maybe IT can summarize what's currently happening.



Fun, huh.

All I can do is keep breathing

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.

Replaced

I've been replaced, shunned, pushed aside... I'm not priority. Well, are we surprised? Why OF COURSE NOT. I've been pushed aside ever since this fucking new year started... right in the middle of the first month. Things have been loosing pace, loosing pretty much everything.

SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?

But things change.

Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley

[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]

Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.

I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.

Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part

I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars

When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream

I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.

-Me [10:25 pm]

Long time no write.

...
*sigh*
...

I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.

I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.

Secrecy

A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?

I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.

St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.

I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...

Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]

He sent me a card though... yay.

*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*

--

Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.

It's killing me...

I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.

I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.

*shoots self*

W-o-w

Yesterday was quite... the adventure...? I dunno how I'd describe it.

I was done. O_O

That's just wroooooooooooooong in my book.

I'm... angry.

Yeah.

He was this dominatrix one moment and the next, kapoosh! He's some depressive dude whose avoiding me.

Got me so horny today, I fell of sleep of exhaustion. Leaving that bit to your imagination.

He fucked hard last night, makes you think, no wonder he gets bored so easily! He's like this energizer bunny which, no matter how many times you take the batteries off [or you try to for that matter], he keeps on going and going and going... I admire that in him. I couldn't stand THAT much, though of course, I could always be superman and make a super effort to give a super orgasm. *nods*

Damn, my ass hurts still >_<

Ordered some pizza, no feeling for some cooking.

I scared him and Ashley today. They were running from me in school and I was just following them, at my own pace. Dunno how I found them. They were scared shitless. I smiled. Funny.

But then the day was slow and slouchy. Good grades in Biology, Literature and French. Don't ask for the rest. It's too sad, too sad I tell you.

I've been thinking of having my own site where I can post my journal entries and then send notices of update to the members in my list XD which should be like what... 1? 2 max?

I'm going on a school trip Friday. So no updates [for myself :P] there. Hmm. Should announce that in a while.
ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm going fucking INSANE!!!!!!!! where is he??! I want to do him already! I want to be over him!! *stomps*

Yeah I got so mad at him last night even if......... it was good. I was too O_O to take that fact into consideration. He sure ain't no sweetums angelic being. He's a leather clad devul. It was fucking GOOD. Wow, just thinking about it makes me weak in the knees. Talk about a crash course.

I should be put in jail for my babblings.

Positive thing from this experience: I learned that I am:
1. Tight
2. A good fuck
3. ...?
4. Can't follow orders properly.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Face is itching. Talk about a new level of intimacy.

--

Happy Birthday to Giovanni... <3

I cried today

Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.

But if this was so... how come they were so salty?

My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.

After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?

I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.

I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.

What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.

Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!

Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!

So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.

I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?

It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.

<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.

I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.

I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.

Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".

I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.

I live for you, so----

DEMN, so clingy!

*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*

RESUME: I suck.

---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*

I can give you stars

I have no idea why that line there gives me this awful gut-wrenching melancholy.

Maybe because Rink is already focusing on Ashley, maybe because he's gone hetero and for the time being so will I [or I'll fool myself to believe that], maybe because he already found a song for them and they are not even together [yet].

So this is the so-called MISERY. How I drag her, riding on my back as she hammers my head with her words. Oh how it hurts right now.

I did something nice for someone I just met in the net. I couldn't stand one more miserable being like myself, I would murder. Had to change that. I want to be miserable alone.

I hate Rink right now. He should rot up in hell with Ashley and die there... ok, maybe he could rot up in a cage by my bedside.
I'm so fucking down, I'm so gloomed, I'm so unhappy with everything and everyone. I have stacks of cookies and coke to prevent me from killing myself. The tummy will do that for me.

I miss Caterina. I want her here.

Dude the migrane is driving me INSANE.

It's funny isn't it?

The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.

So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.

I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?

Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?

What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?

He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.

How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.

ARGH

I don't even know why I update today, I have nothing new to say, other than Rink and Veronique are quite the pair. And that Ashley and Lucille are unbearable. Pack of snobs and stuck ups. Can't stand them anymore.

I need to get my social life going again but this stupid school barely lets me see any girls other than my sister but now I really don't mind. There are always the guy's locker rooms. *devil look*

Ack. I have no creativity today. Fucking school sucking up my brain dry. I hate it. I hate it. It should die. I want it to rot up and die.

BLAH.

At the current time I don't have a subject idea....

Caterina and Rink are back from France. They brought me souveniers... yay. Delton is being a dickhead, thinking that I'm actually going to let him and Caterina to be alone in the same room >_> I'm honestly considering setting up some bodyguards with rifles in front of Caterina's dorm room and four on each side to escort her to wherever she wants to go. Atleast I'd give her the freedom she wants so no harm done >)

Ashley has been going gaga for Rink, to the point that you mention his name and she starts reciting the wedding nupcial all on her own. I really don't understand Rink and I won't try to... I can't afford brain damage at this point. It's true what Vero says, this thing is turning out to be a big soap opera and I don't want any part of it.

We are all getting together to play Smash Bros. and go to the movies, to which I publically announce, everyone pays for the stuff they want! You want a hotdog, you pay it, you want popcorn you pay, you want a whore, you have got to pay too.

I'm sleepy so I'll go back to sleeping on the couch... Delton woke me up this morning by raising the volume of the stereo so high, I'm not surprised if all of Boston heard it all. >< I should kick his ass for that... but I'll be cool, I'll get my revenge this afternoon. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

*fade out, laughing like a maniac*

I like rambling... don't you?

I manage to escape Ashley's wrath and I'm currently in my room. It's already past lights out and I figured that the STS might have guessed I wasn't in my room, much less the same building. But the good Lord didn't give them much grey matter as we speak. I encountered Benjamin at my door, he looked so bad I honestly thought a truck had run over him. We talked. It's Caterina (my sister, to you stupid people) and I know what's coming up. Basically he encountered Eric and Caterina in the café, talking and he got jealous.

The best part (stupidest as well) is the fact that he didn't do shit! which of course, caused Caterina to be hurt and leave. I honestly wanted to punch him for two reasons:
1- For not doing anything about it and just sitting there like a total jackass.
2- For not punching Eric and taking Caterina away from there. Of course, he defended himself. He says that she honestly seemed too happy spending time with Eric and that it felt wrong to just simply interrupt... and my sermon/lecture began.

To you, young folks... if you like someone, you have to FIGHT FOR THAT PERSON. You have to cross oceans and move mountains to obtain that person, but Benjamin doesn't know how to do this it seems. He wants to talk to Caterina but isn't sure if she will listen, to which I respond the same: MAKE HER LISTEN. Benjamin likes Caterina to the point that he doesn't want to contradict her desicion making... ¬¬ what a perfect moron.

In resume, Tuesday turned out to be a day filled with love problems and I am happy to say, I AM FREE GUY. HA.

Ahem.

I better go to sleep now, too many stuff to do in the morning. Good night everyone and stay tuned for tomorrow's show... or today's whatever...

P.S. Darn it! missed Jay Leno show! *glares at the computer for keeping him nailed and entertained for once*

Didn't last long... speechless...

Ok, so that isn't all I have to say... I have nothing to say other than I’ve been thinking that if I ever were to die, some people might actually dance of joy in my funeral. Among them: Eric Delton, Ashley Delton, Caterina Stocker (she currently hates me because she considers me an overprotective oaf) and the other names are currently meaningless. OK... so to some people I might be pushing it and being a bit dramatic but this is my journal and I say what I please goddamnit.

Thank you.

So today has been a fair day... the sky is dark, the moon is not out, no girl/guy in sight, my sister is locked up in her dorm and I have this perfectly good imbecile in my face. He doesn't get the fact that I'm stalling so that he doesn't see Ashley Delton. Yes, I am in her room right now. And for those who possess a sick mind, she is in the bathroom, washing her face because she was crying... and it has nothing to do with me... heartless bastards that don't know who to blame these days.

Ahem.

Had a fight with my sister because she just doesn't understand nor appreciate the fact that I am trying to protect her from assaulting freaks such as Eric. She just keeps having these silly ideas that Eric is a NICE GUY... we know better.

Ok, Ashley came out of the bathroom and she started to attack the freak. GO ASHLEY GO! hopefully she won't see what I am typing...

I should get a hobby... and broadcasting is not the best option.