Secrecy

A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?

I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.

St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.

I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...

Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]

He sent me a card though... yay.

*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*

--

Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.

It's killing me...

I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.

I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.

*shoots self*

Crap, I suck

I'm so fucking obsessed my head's swimming. I'm obsessed with him in every possible way. I can't have it that he talks to anyone that could hurt him, I can't have it that he goes away for too long, I can't have it that he loves someone in some other dimension shit, I can't have it that he ignores me or anything even closely related. I feel like such a fucking piece of shit. I want to get hurt, I want to build this stone wall around me where I can play my music quietly. I want to be trapped where I could torture myself by writing lots of songs, all intertwined with him. I would write about his future, about his present, about the world he made me believe existed, about the damage he did to my being... and you know what? I would be fine. I wouldn't need anything. I could rot there, but happy. I would love to have him there but how wrong or bad do you have it when you are so confused? I mean, can a specific feeling be THIS overwhealming and engulfing to the point of blindness?

And so it is.

I feel like crap and not sentimentally speaking. I mean, my stomach is a big piece of shit right now, churning. I think I'll throw up. Been too long on the computer, been eating too much junk. Oi.

On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Veronique.

I cried today

Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.

But if this was so... how come they were so salty?

My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.

After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?

I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.

I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.

What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.

Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!

Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!

So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.

I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?

It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.

<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.

I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.

I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.

Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".

I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.

I live for you, so----

DEMN, so clingy!

*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*

RESUME: I suck.

---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*

We broke up. Get ready.

We broke up last night, at midnight.

We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.

. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .

I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...

Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.

But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.

After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.

Ahem.

I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.

I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.

I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.

I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.

Your twin,
Michelangelo

That was depressing...

. . .

Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.

I got hurt.

Gripping fear...

It's moving up my spine and disengaging my neurons. My eyes are shinning, without blinking, and I'm still, sitting down, my entire body is tense as my arm trembles. THE conversation he says. What did I did wrong I wonder? it shouldn't BE a wonder. I'm a selfish, bastardic, selfcentered, antisocial prick. Raise your hands those who are surprised. Given as they are none I shall continue with this, horrible, leechy way of mine. I think I should die sooner than what everyone thinks. I'm not useful to humans, I'm not useful to anyone, not even those whom I supposedly loved. My hand is trembling now, the realization is sinking in. I.AM.USELESS. The more I think I'm doing something right, the more I think I'm protecting someone, it's in reality, the more I'm hurting and the more I'm doing the wrong thing. So maybe when I was young, I never learned correctly the difference between right and wrong. So maybe it was wrong hoping I could do things that obviously, I'm mentally challenged to do. The only purpose of my existence is to bemuse everyone else with my so-called beauty and there it ends. There is no other purpose for an empty candy wrapping, now is there? That should be my new nickname.

emptycandywrapping@hotmail.com

Yeah, I got a new e-mail. Hurrah for me. I'm not feeling all that much for one solid reason that happened that faithful day, I have no heart. I got rid of it. I squashed it. I tore it. I sliced it. I killed it. There is nothing left so I feel any pain, it's probably from the lack of heart, the heart that craves to feel but can't because it's not even there.
Oh sweet glory.

Toss and turn me.
I'm a empty candy wrapping,
Step on, squash me,
There really is no stopping.

::EDIT::
I want to die alone.