If you want to, I can save you

It's late. I might as well wait for the sunset right? I haven't been able to sleep since I've been working really hard on various projects I've left on hold.

All that I know is that I love my twin to pieces. She will always be the first and only woman in my life that will mean anything to me, along with my sister, Katzereine Cil. But you know, Caterina and I are really close. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I feel sad when truth hits either one of us, I guess we never really grew up ready for hard-hitting reality. I know it seems stupid on my part, let's be real. I've lived way too much shit. Arrests, gangs, violence of all kinds... still, nothing hurts more than an emotional blow. Those that school doesn't train you for.

I love my twin. I love my twin forever. I guess I just need to say this for a bit. So I wouldn't feel so bad just because I can't heal her. Or I can't even approach her when she's upset, angry or betrayed. She still resents me for letting her down. She still resents me for not coming to her rescue. For a knight in shinning armor on stand-by, I failed miserably.

Let's be real. I fail all the time (Math and Science class specially). It just... aches all over. I used to be her everything, she was my everything. Now she hates me for having what I have. No. It's for caring the way I do. She thinks it's stupid therefore finds my problems idiotic. But anyone would feel that way after a break-up where you are forced to find a new prince. Been kissing one too many frogs, huh.

Caterina, I really love you and I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, I'm sorry for loosing you in the process, I'm sorry. And for all those times that will surely come where I will disappoint you again. That and death are the only certain things in life. I do wish you happiness. It won't stop me from taking care of you and questioning every man that comes knocking on your door, it's my job. I'm your big brother (by 5 minutes).

I just wish... you wouldn't hate me. And it's been more than one occasion where I wish I could turn back time and be back to those days where we used to share popsicles under the sun. Or when we made sand castles that would touch the sky. Or whenever dad came by with two lollipops. Stupid memories. Happy memories.

Most of all, I'm sorry if I seem kid-like to you. I guess... I still need to grow up. But I guess it's post like these that piss you off. Well, then don't read it. I promise I'll get out of your pink hair for a while. Though... if you're ever feeling not like yourself, and you want someone to hug, stand by you, listen or just have a staring match; give me a call.

Thierry and I are good again. Yay. Sappy moment over.

My head really hurts. It's been like this since 12 AM. Sucks man. Want to seriously blow my brains out.

Rage

I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm raging and it's consuming me. I want to hurt everything and everyone in my path. It's moments like these that make me realize that I'm severely damaged and that my father must've overlooked it so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Hell, I don't want to deal with it. But it feels so nice now that I think about it. To be in this mess. That hot, bubbling sensation that corrodes my being, that makes my fingers tingle with expectation, that fucks up my lungs to the point that I can barely breathe. I feel exhilarated, I can't wait. The smell of blood and fear makes me shudder, my mouth relaxes after I lick my dry lips. And they curl. I'm intoxicated with the prospect. I'm dying (ironically) to get my hands on my kill, my defenseless prey. I'm going out for coffee tonight. For a long while, and through this I'll drown all my rage and my passive aggressive stance. Yes. Today some unlucky bastard will feel me and regret being born in the first place.

Inside my mind

I can’t escape. I’ve been trying relentlessly to disconnect, to forget, to erase. Your sing song voice calling my name ever so sweetly, beckoning me to come.
“I want omelettes...” you plead, your eyelashes batting coquettishly.
I stare at you silently, wondering how do I ever plan to run away from you as I pick up a few eggs from their case. Even in moments like this, I can feel you prickling inside my skin. I sit in my car; I smell your lingering perfume. I can taste your lips in mine.
In that second, your phone rings, you pick up with unusual speed and answer coyly;
“Allo?”
Even you can’t resist yourself and your French allure. I give you my back as I stir the ingredients in the bowl. My thoughts are getting the best of me. I want to punish you. I want to hurt you.

Replaced

I've been replaced, shunned, pushed aside... I'm not priority. Well, are we surprised? Why OF COURSE NOT. I've been pushed aside ever since this fucking new year started... right in the middle of the first month. Things have been loosing pace, loosing pretty much everything.

SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?

But things change.

Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley

[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]

Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.

I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.

Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part

I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars

When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream

I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.

-Me [10:25 pm]

Long time no write.

...
*sigh*
...

I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.

I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.

Secrecy

A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?

I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.

St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.

I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...

Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]

He sent me a card though... yay.

*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*

--

Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.

It's killing me...

I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.

I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.

*shoots self*

It's late

My nose is hurting from all the cold I made it go through. I've been looking for Rink for more than an hour, two or three minimun. I'm beat. He can come home whenever the fuck he wants. I hate these rendez-vous. I hate feeling so self-concious about my degree of selfishness and above all, I hate the feeling of change. I feel so lost and trapped. I hate sharing with people, I hate walking among them, I want to stay forever in this little coccoon in my room. Safe, undisturbed. I could care less of the world right now, I don't understand why my body reacts differently from what I think.

I wonder how Veronique feels, trapped in her glass world.

My wall of concrete has been torn, makes me feel exposed and not like my pictures. I want my wall back. I don't want to feel like this, so free and so many positive and happy thoughts. It's SICKENING. I want to go back into the subtle depressive world I lived in, I thrived there.

My core feels hot and bubbly, when in reality it should be icy and stone hard. I want to go to sleep, forever. But not in death, I'm not done yet in life to die.

I hate myself. I don't know why.
I hate the way I can't understand my own feelings
I hate the way I make everyone unhappy.
I don't hate my selfishness, without that, I wouldn't be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel so suffocated.

Little asshole came back NOW. How I want to hang him by his balls and how much I have to contain myself so I don't do anything irrational like cutting his head off and drinking his blood. And the best part? It's all on purpose, he 'planned' this in a way. He planned these reactions, he wanted them, he went out to look for them. It's either that or he's got some nerve... ¬¬

For real, I'm sick of this. I can't STAND this vulnerability that has been trying to take over me. I'm going back into being that bastardic son of a bitch S&M asshole or I'm gonna die sooner than anyone expects.

*1st thing, get rid of the "!" in my posts. They are not part of my character.
*2nd thing, no more laughing or smiling or being that lovey dovey or anything related to any of these areas.
*3rd thing, limit contact with people.
*4th thing, keep silence, no more talking unless it's absolutely necessary.
*5th thing, get a gun to see if I feel like a fit in some other realm, like HELL.
*6th thing, stop caring.
*7th thing, live in oblivion and submerged in songs.
*8th thing, no more corny/cliche shit. My reputation is on the line, as is my ego.
*9th thing, stop being obsessive/stupid/illogical/clingy. You are irking others and yourself.
*10th thing, lather + rinse + repeat (all these steps) = the Michelangelo we all know.

I hate the "oh-dear-he's-so-troubled" kind of crap. Leave me alone. Demn you.

Ranting away

So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.

Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.

It just happened to me.

It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.

Why I wonder...

I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.

Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.

Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.

Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.

If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!

I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.

WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.

. . .

Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.

*groans*

I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.

Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.

Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*