Hair... again

Thank you to all of those that had something to say about it. Whether they liked it or not, whether it was eloquently (word-of-the-day toilet paper) said or just with a jaw drop, or big eyes, or mild insinuations over my course of life.

I'm not feeling remorse yet. I'm thinking it'll come any minute now, especially after seeing all the pictures. I guess my big hair was my thing, and now I got rid of my thing, so I have nothing at the current moment. No pun intended. No comment from the Thierry or Caterina camp, I'm awaiting news from their PR.

My dad dropped his new mini buddha when he saw. I guess it's tradition, everytime a mini buddha of dad's is broken, it means something. God knows. He didn't speak but kept following me, staring at my head in sheer disbelief. He said he had never seen my head that naked, except when I was born. I could see that he was extremely worried, mostly because his eyes kept twitching. Maybe he was annoyed or something. He's forcing me into therapy because he says this is close to Britney's head-shaving-desperate-call-for-attention-before-a-breakdown.

I'm not having a breakdown. If I were on the verge of one, I wouldn't notice.

Why I did it though... that's what you're all wondering after your jaws made a hole on the floor. Someone suggested that in true J-Dorama fashion, I was making this as some weird-ass statement / symbolism that I am mourning a love, or that I feel rejected by a love or that I'm seeking a love's forgiveness. There's so many stupid tangents (wotdtp) to this theory, seriously. It's pissing me off. And you know, I have no real reason to explain myself to ANYONE but apparently this will be a bomb scare all over again if I don't.

I did it because I wanted to. Because I've been mulling it for a few days now, since that photoshoot in Atlanta, if I remember correctly. So don't be so surprised. If you are, that just goes to show how you don't take me seriously >/

I want to validate myself through this change. I want to become someone else, and by this, I will become stronger. I'm sick of arguing with people I really care about (YES YOU CATERINA, YES YOU THIERRY) on a daily basis and I am sick of them doubting every fucking little second that I actually give a flying fuck about them. I'm also sick of myself. It is not in my DNA to feel so damn weak, needy and abandoned every fucking day. People are trying, that should be more than enough for me. So this where I meet them half way. I cut away what's holding me back. I become stronger; I stop relying on people. No way in hell I'm forcing myself on someone like a burden. I can stand on my own... or at least that's something I'd like to believe.

Thierry is my reason for everything I do. Live, breathe... and more often than not I feel like he's just lugging me around, which is quite hard. You'd understand if you see his size and mine. I don't want to become a burden... but I'm being taught to share my feelings, which is honestly, the MAIN reason why things are so fucked up right now for me. People get really closed up, they become scared of me through my words or worse, they grow to hate me. My twin sister is a great example. I'm very up front, I'm very mean and I'm an oaf.

I'll be realistic, I won't say I'll keep quiet and I'll never speak again. That's what I want to do, so all the shit will just stop. But Thierry says that it's not right, I can't afford more rifts with him right now. I'm going to officially stop waiting for him to save me. He's done enough, more than enough. I don't want to loose him. Too many close-calls. I'm keeping my end of the deal, I'm taking a step in moving towards him, I just needed more courage from within to go with it. So the hair's gone. And hopefully all my insufficiencies along with it.

Stop worrying. I don't feel so broken anymore. Though that might go down the drain if Thierry hates it. We'll see.