Purging, because we can't breathe with venom in our veins

This might be a bit too emo for some people... deal with it. I'm purging. I need to get this out so I can sleep.

You get away with fucking with me. You get away with leaving and complaining and bitching and moaning and I don't. You get like a fucking retard, annoyed and shit just because I'm jealous. Fuck it Rink, in how many fucking languages do I have to FUCKING tell you that you're the only one for me? That, sure I get involved, but I never think of leaving you, I never ever think of giving you up or even being FAR from you. So if you think I can adjust to this shit so easy, you're wrong. I thought it was QUITE clear for us that I can't deal with this changing that is around the atmosphere. I freak out. The same way you freak out when we're out of milk or cheese. The same way you get grumpy when I leave for a business trip. I get pissed, I get jealous and I get stubborn when I don't see you everyday. If it's that fucking hard for you to deal with it, then don't fucking bother. I'll do it on my own. But if you are my BOYFRIEND, if you are the love of my life, you would have the fucking decency to understand that it's HARD for me. I don't need the extra freedom that you so crave. And that's my fault, that's my damage. It's something I was willing to work on if I had you with me. Not like this. Not when you're distant. God knows what you're thinking and this would be easier if I could just TALK to you. But we don't talk, we just fuck all the time. That's how I got reassured. So I'm at fault here, I know this. I'm not turning this around, I'm not being a victim. I ADMIT MY FAULT. I want to work on it. I want to change. I want to be in the same page as you because if our relationship turns out to be that much of a burden, then there's no option but to change. I'm not loosing you under any circumstances. I'm not a man of words. I can't talk as freely or as easily as anyone else and it pisses me off because I just swallow it and grow to hate everything and everyone around me. So take your time. Be pissed. Here I thought that jealousy was some sort of REWARD to you. Sometimes I'm dying to ask you what the hell do you WANT from me? What do you NEED from me that it's so fucking hard for you to settle?! I am a walking disaster, I am a mess and I suck everyone in. We have that down. But as of today, tonight, I'm giving that up. I know people need me, I know people rely on me. You make me think too damn much. I walked into this mess, I jumped into my hole and buried myself in it so I have to climb out of it. I want you to help me, but as Nathan said, I can't expect you to. So you're not going to. I'm not doubting anymore. I'm not going to bother with thinking about these things. The more you entertain such shit, you start believing all your lies. So I am back here to the point where I wonder just how much right do I have over you? Then I think that I have no right to think in the first place. My father said it best. If you're a pet, you're not supposed to be thinking so much. You settle for what you're given. I'm not insinuating that you're not giving me anything. But I'm going back to that. Wow, I'm going back to a lot of things. Pets don't worry about anything except being fed. And being fucked or given love every now and then. I'm not going to manipulate you through my pain anymore. You're entitled to live and be free. That's what I'm being brainwashed by myself to believe in. You are entitled to choose. I can't choose for you anymore. I'm practically begging you, wordlessly for attention. It seriously borders on pathetic. I'm sick of being the hurt puppy dog, I'm a doberman. I don't need anything. I need to learn how to talk and stop thinking so damn much. I'll get a post it and put it on my forehead. My father also told me that repetition was good for the soul. I have to seriously work out or something...

I'm sorry, for all that I'm making you go through, for making you feel overwhelmed and for driving you insane. I'm sorry.

Used To
Daughtry

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me..the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way
I used to listen, you always had just the right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow to anywhere at all

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I look around me and I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you-it's empty and you're sad
Cause you miss the love that we had
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around...

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

-

Great song. Get it.

Now I'm going to sleep next to my twin, she's probably having wet dreams by now. I hope I get to sleep now. Though I need Rink for that... his plushie will do.

Renovation

I'm bored and Caterina got a journal.

So...
*drum roll*
I talked to Nathan.

Audience: *gasp*

It was... interesting. We had a match but then it was all resolved when we went to drink. He bitched about all the things I did to him and I listened. I was glad that we met again. Normally, people don't get second chances. Having him back in my life gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Aw corny, you can all throw up now.

I'm not a really social person in case you haven't noticed. Big shocker, huh. I'm not someone who has many friends, I can't keep them. I tend to focus on fucking or work or music. So when he came back, when he reminded me what it was to have friends... it was so pathetic, I wanted to hurt myself. It made me feel that I'm a horribly inadequate human being and not to mention, unbelievably selfish, egotistical and self-centered. I don't want anyone that I'm close with have anyone but me.

Audience: :O

I'm horrid I know. I'm trying to open my mind, which it's hard for something that's been built with cement. I know that Thierry is happier now. He doesn't take himself too seriously. I feel bad becoming conceited as I am but I'm glad... I think. He's happy. He's free but he's grounded.

My twin sister came back. At first, I was shocked and pissed at her for coming back. She's one that likes to travel a lot, in those travels we lost touch. We've always been very close since we were born. We told each other everything and shared a connection most people would find impossible, but I guess everything's explained by the simply fact that we're twins. Whatever the case, it was a very rocky start. I exploded just by looking her, I was yelling and scolding her to boot. After A LOT of yelling and insults... we got around to getting to know each other again. It was nice. I realized that I also needed her desperately in my life. She used to be my little ray of sunshine. We've bonded, to say the least, in a small amount of time. She's the sweetest little thing and I truly hate the world more (is that possible?) for what it's done to her. Shit happens and it hurts, it hurts really bad. I'm just trying to be with her all the time because she needs me.

But I guess I'm just expressing my escapism. My own reality is just fucked up. I want to believe that I can be grounded by her. I love her so much but I'm lost too. But I want my lack of direction to not interfere with what I'm doing. I really want to help her... not because I have to. But because I just want to. I need to. It makes me feel better.

I'm frequently underestimated... that's good, right?

You see these shackles baby I'm your slave

I haven't written in over a year. Wow. I guess after a while you just really loose touch or you just get bored of hearing yourself talk so much crap without means to an end. It gets particularly annoying when you're desperate to crawl out of your skin, like me. Maybe I am an angst monster and I like to feed off it. So sue me. I get overly emotional with people I really care about, so yeah, there I go. I've met my downfall.

I'm getting therapy. It seems more like torture but at least I have proven to myself that my father is not a complete failure as psychiatrist. He's pretty good at what he does. Hopefully he won't read this and fill himself with shitty pride.

So why am I getting therapy? A series of reasons. Mostly the inadequate way in which I handle my feelings. Feelings that were not supposed to be there, feelings that were apparently hiding underneath the surface. Vati (that's dad in german for those who want to learn something new) recommended that I write because it helps to clear my head.

...

So I'll cut the crap. I love Thierry (Rink) to pieces. I can't live without him and I can't function without him. However... I can't get over Nathan. I see him, I freak. Hmm. I wrote him a letter, sent it and I got a reply. A reply which pissed me off to no end and made me feel like a car ran over me and then backed up on me. I'd rather not share the reply to that letter, other than the fact that we're meeting up on a church. Weird, like Nathan. That fucker wants to mess with my head, I can feel it. Whatever. I don't want to see him anymore but I WILL.

ANOTHER thing that is really getting on my nerves is my boyfriend's best friend, Lawrence aka Laurie. Yes, you're reading correcty. Laurie like the little women character. Apparently his mom had a thing for that book and decided to play a trick on her son, ruining his life thereafter. I mean seriously. Technically speaking, Laurence (as it is properly written in Little Women) is the character's last name. Though, if the Laurie I know were named THEODORE or TEDDY, oh I solemnly swear I will never allow him to live in peace. Wow, so many lines and I'm barely in his name. Whatever the case, this guy is Thierry's best friend and has been after him ever since I met him. I hate him, with all due honesty. I want to hurt him. He's a manipulative little asshole that is slowly warming his way into my boyfriend's heart.

Here's the part where Vati would frown at me and send me straight to hell for not wanting my boyfriend to extend his ties and create more relationships. In my opinion, why should he get any if he has me? >/

p.s. FUCK NATHAN. >/ Fucking prick summoned the green monster on me.
p.s.s. I just bought a tequila bottle. I'm nervous, can you tell? Nothing a good Jose Cuervo can't fix.

Letter to Nathan

Nathan:

I’m really bad at writing letters. Mostly because I don’t know what the hell to say but I want us to solve this. So I’m cutting the crap and going straight to the point.

I’m not over you asshole. I thought I was because of all the time that has passed but I’m clearly not. Seriously. I can’t be over you if I freeze the moment I see you or I want to go the other way or I just want to beat you to a pulp. Normally the latter is the one that resurfaces first. I have hurt you so damn much but I can’t stop myself from going to you, seeking you out. And I know that the more I keep in touch with you, the more I’ll want you near me and the more I will want to see you... subsequently the more I want to kiss you.

Though it doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving Rink. I still love him. A lot. I can’t live without that little French whore. Yet... I love you too. I thought if I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I have feelings for you, then maybe I could slip right into friends and be cool. I suck, I can’t.

I’m too fucking greedy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hitting you, for insulting you and for pushing you away when you were trying to help me. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep you next to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve made you go through. I’m sorry that I’m making you hate me in some way or another, or at least that’s what I think. I’m sorry for everything; it’s not enough... I know.

I want us to talk. I want to solve this. I don’t know how to, except to make you talk or hit me or get your anger out, one way or another. I want to know what you think about all of this. I hate it that I can’t be near you without making a mess of things.

And honestly, I don’t have any kind of excuses for you and for all that I’ve done. I’m still involved in the same process when it comes to coping. Why the hell should you care about that is beyond me. I suck. I really do. I just mope a lot. And want to hurt myself and I’m hoping you’ll come to help. I can’t ask you for that.

I want to help you. I really do. More than I want you to help me... well not completely, because I really miss you and I need you. Though I do want to help you.

I want to see you Nathan. Please. I need to see you. I’m ready to receive whatever it is you think I deserve.

-Michel

Inside my mind

I can’t escape. I’ve been trying relentlessly to disconnect, to forget, to erase. Your sing song voice calling my name ever so sweetly, beckoning me to come.
“I want omelettes...” you plead, your eyelashes batting coquettishly.
I stare at you silently, wondering how do I ever plan to run away from you as I pick up a few eggs from their case. Even in moments like this, I can feel you prickling inside my skin. I sit in my car; I smell your lingering perfume. I can taste your lips in mine.
In that second, your phone rings, you pick up with unusual speed and answer coyly;
“Allo?”
Even you can’t resist yourself and your French allure. I give you my back as I stir the ingredients in the bowl. My thoughts are getting the best of me. I want to punish you. I want to hurt you.