Hair... again

Thank you to all of those that had something to say about it. Whether they liked it or not, whether it was eloquently (word-of-the-day toilet paper) said or just with a jaw drop, or big eyes, or mild insinuations over my course of life.

I'm not feeling remorse yet. I'm thinking it'll come any minute now, especially after seeing all the pictures. I guess my big hair was my thing, and now I got rid of my thing, so I have nothing at the current moment. No pun intended. No comment from the Thierry or Caterina camp, I'm awaiting news from their PR.

My dad dropped his new mini buddha when he saw. I guess it's tradition, everytime a mini buddha of dad's is broken, it means something. God knows. He didn't speak but kept following me, staring at my head in sheer disbelief. He said he had never seen my head that naked, except when I was born. I could see that he was extremely worried, mostly because his eyes kept twitching. Maybe he was annoyed or something. He's forcing me into therapy because he says this is close to Britney's head-shaving-desperate-call-for-attention-before-a-breakdown.

I'm not having a breakdown. If I were on the verge of one, I wouldn't notice.

Why I did it though... that's what you're all wondering after your jaws made a hole on the floor. Someone suggested that in true J-Dorama fashion, I was making this as some weird-ass statement / symbolism that I am mourning a love, or that I feel rejected by a love or that I'm seeking a love's forgiveness. There's so many stupid tangents (wotdtp) to this theory, seriously. It's pissing me off. And you know, I have no real reason to explain myself to ANYONE but apparently this will be a bomb scare all over again if I don't.

I did it because I wanted to. Because I've been mulling it for a few days now, since that photoshoot in Atlanta, if I remember correctly. So don't be so surprised. If you are, that just goes to show how you don't take me seriously >/

I want to validate myself through this change. I want to become someone else, and by this, I will become stronger. I'm sick of arguing with people I really care about (YES YOU CATERINA, YES YOU THIERRY) on a daily basis and I am sick of them doubting every fucking little second that I actually give a flying fuck about them. I'm also sick of myself. It is not in my DNA to feel so damn weak, needy and abandoned every fucking day. People are trying, that should be more than enough for me. So this where I meet them half way. I cut away what's holding me back. I become stronger; I stop relying on people. No way in hell I'm forcing myself on someone like a burden. I can stand on my own... or at least that's something I'd like to believe.

Thierry is my reason for everything I do. Live, breathe... and more often than not I feel like he's just lugging me around, which is quite hard. You'd understand if you see his size and mine. I don't want to become a burden... but I'm being taught to share my feelings, which is honestly, the MAIN reason why things are so fucked up right now for me. People get really closed up, they become scared of me through my words or worse, they grow to hate me. My twin sister is a great example. I'm very up front, I'm very mean and I'm an oaf.

I'll be realistic, I won't say I'll keep quiet and I'll never speak again. That's what I want to do, so all the shit will just stop. But Thierry says that it's not right, I can't afford more rifts with him right now. I'm going to officially stop waiting for him to save me. He's done enough, more than enough. I don't want to loose him. Too many close-calls. I'm keeping my end of the deal, I'm taking a step in moving towards him, I just needed more courage from within to go with it. So the hair's gone. And hopefully all my insufficiencies along with it.

Stop worrying. I don't feel so broken anymore. Though that might go down the drain if Thierry hates it. We'll see.

Hair

I cut my hair.



Yeah... my big, fluffy, messy hair is gone. It's weird, man. I feel my nape is exposed. I'm not even sure if it looks good or not. I just went to my hair stylist in a daze.

I don't remember how I managed to get up so fucking early in the morning... especially after the big ass fight I had with my twin. I didn't feel like getting out of bed or even moving. But I woke up at 7 a-fucking-m, made breakfast and left. I don't know how I got to the hair place, I guess I was on automatic. Pookie is the only one that's seen it. He growled at me, I don't know what that means. Maybe he didn't recognize me without the mane.

...if you don't like it, suck it up. >/

I wonder what Thierry will think...

All I can do is keep breathing

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.

Birthday Salutations

Happy Birthday to my older sister, Katzereine ... <3

...

As for my twin, I need to seriously meet up with her and solve our shit. It's driving me insane and pissing me off like no tomorrow.

Seriously...

Now Marie has a journal. Seriously. >/ What is it with people and blogging nowadays!

Argh.

Back to watching reruns of Miami Ink.

I want to believe in more than you and me

Compared to everyone else in this sudden 'blogging' community, I'm very slow with my updates. I guess I'm the only one with half a life or a shitload of denial. Whichever really, they both suit me. I miss my twin.

Taking guitar lessons all over again has allowed me to calm down and deal with my inner crap. (I will forever remove the word demon from my vocabulary). Or at least, I can ignore it with a better excuse. Though I've had to deal with it since I had a minor breakdown in front of Thierry. That wasn't nice for me, specially because he was so surprised and he looked so hurt. Of course he didn't know, considering how careful I've been. I want to get over these things on my own... perhaps in a stupid attempt to not depend as much as I already do on him.

I really love him. I really want to make him happy. And most of all, I want him to be proud of me. Ugh. In case you're curious, my dignity is down the drain by now.

But I guess what everyone else says is true. We're too different. I never minded. I didn't care shit because I loved him, I had been lucky enough to find him and there was no way anyone was going to take him away from me. Now... I can't stop thinking that he's with me because he's forced to, or worse, used to it. He wouldn't leave me because he's used to me. Then I think, Thierry isn't like that. Thierry leaves, point period. So my insecurities are stupid but still there.

It's not my fault. I've been raised to believe that relationships don't work. I mean, seriously. Look at my parents. Knocked up at 16 with a 14 year old father, be real. Katzereine found her prince charming. I found my love. I just... don't know how to keep him when I feel I am constantly on the verge of loosing him. He tells me otherwise... I believe him. Or... at least I want to. He's been patient enough. He kissed me when I didn't deserve that reward from him. I love him for bearing with me. I love him for all that I want to be when I'm with him.

All I wish is for more confidence... I mean, how fucking hard is it for me to just live with what I have? And not be in this constant fear that he'll leave me? I want him to kiss me more. I want him to touch me more, hug me more and adore me more.

I'm too selfish. We all are. I really need to call my twin.

It's about time for us to stop believing in fairy tales. But we'll talk about this some other time.

Loving and Living - Both Extremely Hazardous

I'm back from Georgia. But guessing from the big ass question mark on your forehead, you had absolutely no idea I was gone in the first place. That's fine. I've been missing for a while either way. I had a promotional photoshoot at this fancy hotel called (appropriately) Château Élan Winery & Resort. It's very pretty, without a doubt.



It looks exactly like that when you're there, I'm not kidding. It's beautiful and apparently a favorite spot for weddings. I managed to witness two myself though quite frankly it's so fucking cold there at times I don't know how they did it. Oh before you pull the plug and run away screaming in terror, I was dressed as a groom in a make-believe wedding for the photo purposes. Quite a change since I'm traditionally half naked during my shoots. It was cool. Considering I got to live something I otherwise wouldn't have.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair. I'm getting tired of the locks. And no, I'm not SHAVING all my hair off. I'm really not in the mood to follow that fad. Just a bit shorter, maybe clean cut or not. I'm in the mood to change. I need to validate myself through this change.

Funny that my twin and I have a shit load of stuff in common. Our insecurity, our need for skin. Wow, talk about oncoming memory traffic. I just think that we both need a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of touching. Dad told me to buy this book because it'll help me out. I'm not good at expressing love and Thierry and I speak abysmally (new word) different languages. We both express love in very different ways which is why we Stockers go through constant suffering. It's not our partners fault, though I love to think otherwise >/

Watching Deal or No Deal is distracting me. Along with my voracious appetite. I miss my twin. I miss my dad. I miss my Thierry.

Anywhere you go, let me go too

Who am I to tell you that you're mine?

With not enough reasons to live,

Why do you blame me for wanting to go?

I can't see you with her anymore. I can't breathe when I'm around you. I think of thousands of ways to dispose of me, my feelings, my uncertainty, my abandonment. How come you're not here to save me? Why did you leave me to die? Why aren't you here with me, trying to forget the world by my side... If love meant so little, then why allow me to believe in it?

I'm scared, why aren't you here? Why can't you hear me when I call you? Why... why did you stop loving me? if you ever did... I don't belong where you are.

But I'm strong and I can pretend. I wish I wasn't pathetic and I wish I had you with me to tell me that I'll make it in one piece, that you'll love me no matter what. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

Why am I so lost without you? I am nothing, no one without you.

So please... don't leave me.

My little piece of happiness, my little ray of hope... I can't die first. I can close my eyes, I can drown out all the sounds, I can stop crying and I'll live among my memories of you. When you cared, when you truly loved me. Even if you weren't supposed to, you were mine and will remain that way forever. I want to go now. Somewhere far, far away, where nothing that I see will remind me of you. Where I can begin to let go... at least some part of you.

I need a lot of ice cream right now... and cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.

Breaking News

Caterina and Christian broke it off. Katzereine left Giovanni to go to Spain with Caterina. I'm taking guitar classes. Some people just have different priorities.

Sundays

I am much more relaxed now. All that coffee sure helped.

It's a Sunday, which equals boredom and... more boredom. Sad for you, the lonely traveler looking for entertainment.

I am currently at my father's house, visiting for one reason, he promised me food. And by food, I mean one of my favorite foods that don't include sausages of any kind, paella. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Ironically (or knowing my dad PLANNED), the Spaniards ate this food on Sundays. We were going to go to Katzereine's for some reason or another but Giovanni had planned ahead to whisk her to the French Riviera for some romantic breakfast/lunch/dinner and then some alone time.

Seriously... damn, I can't say anything about him. T_T

Logically he isn't cooking this. I wouldn't be here. He's about to pick it up. He lured me. And was planning on luring Caterina as well but then remembered she is on some other part of the world. Ultimately, I will spend all this day vegging, working on some songs. I'm working on one that reminds me a lot of what Christian is going through with his entire mess. A mess that better turn out as I'm expecting or he will continue with his life without a vital organ... his dick >_> Anyways, that'll be my range of activities until night time comes.

Fun. That's all I'll say :3

Rage

I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm raging and it's consuming me. I want to hurt everything and everyone in my path. It's moments like these that make me realize that I'm severely damaged and that my father must've overlooked it so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Hell, I don't want to deal with it. But it feels so nice now that I think about it. To be in this mess. That hot, bubbling sensation that corrodes my being, that makes my fingers tingle with expectation, that fucks up my lungs to the point that I can barely breathe. I feel exhilarated, I can't wait. The smell of blood and fear makes me shudder, my mouth relaxes after I lick my dry lips. And they curl. I'm intoxicated with the prospect. I'm dying (ironically) to get my hands on my kill, my defenseless prey. I'm going out for coffee tonight. For a long while, and through this I'll drown all my rage and my passive aggressive stance. Yes. Today some unlucky bastard will feel me and regret being born in the first place.

There's really no way to reach me

This update is a bit overdue I think. I've been busy, if that's what you can say I've been doing.

April's already gone by. I spent a decent Easter week. It was my father's birthday April 7th, which he got to spend with his lover in his beach estate. He ate lemon ice cream, had a party the day before (which was filled with Caterina/Jean-Luc/Christian drama). That's always interesting. And the journal bug caught Christian so I'm about to give up my strike and just accept it. Maybe Eric's next, that'll give us something to talk about.

Yesterday was Christian's birthday, which my sister took unto her to throw him a cool party in our dad's house. He was shanghaied into going to Katzereine's so they could meet up and talk. Yeah, I bet Giovanni loved that. Before that, I was in New York City with Christian for some photoshoots and culture crap we wanted to pursue. I liked it, I figured I am a big city kind of guy. I like the concrete, I love the caged feel New York gave me when I looked up at the skyline. I saw the Phantom of the Opera and Mamma Mia!, which was fun. That's a city that you need to spend a lot of time in so you can do half of what you had planned on doing.

Thierry went off on a trip again, which isn't surprising considering he's actually working. I think he's enjoying it just a bit too much. The entire traveling scheme, the recording studio, the real estate deals. Ugh. Right. I promised myself I would work on this...

Screw it. I'm alone, I'll go watch a movie (or the series Planet Earth that I bought), call Nathan to see if he's alive or not and walk Pookie, he's restless.