Daylight saving--what exactly?

So yeah, this has nothing to do with the above subject but it's not like I really care. Rink has just 'accused' me of being an 'existencialism' follower. Meaning I question my existance and the reason of it.
The fact that this has a term makes me angry. I don't want to belong to that or anything of that kind. It's stupid really. It's all his fault. But I don't want to get into that since that will depress me and I'm already a sorry soul as it is.

I'm really sick and tired of being like I am currently so starting from tomorrow, I'll take a vow of silence, atleast for 24 hours straight. I need to achieve and recover back, that part of what I believed was me.

I write him letters and the bastard doesn't even bother to reply. I'm physically and mentally exhausted... I have reached that point and I'm tired of it. Not him. IT. The way my life is going. I really feel he's being a dick and not even taking me into consideration. Then again I look at Vero and well...

But that's the thing! that's his system! that little bugger *shakes fist*

It's late

My nose is hurting from all the cold I made it go through. I've been looking for Rink for more than an hour, two or three minimun. I'm beat. He can come home whenever the fuck he wants. I hate these rendez-vous. I hate feeling so self-concious about my degree of selfishness and above all, I hate the feeling of change. I feel so lost and trapped. I hate sharing with people, I hate walking among them, I want to stay forever in this little coccoon in my room. Safe, undisturbed. I could care less of the world right now, I don't understand why my body reacts differently from what I think.

I wonder how Veronique feels, trapped in her glass world.

My wall of concrete has been torn, makes me feel exposed and not like my pictures. I want my wall back. I don't want to feel like this, so free and so many positive and happy thoughts. It's SICKENING. I want to go back into the subtle depressive world I lived in, I thrived there.

My core feels hot and bubbly, when in reality it should be icy and stone hard. I want to go to sleep, forever. But not in death, I'm not done yet in life to die.

I hate myself. I don't know why.
I hate the way I can't understand my own feelings
I hate the way I make everyone unhappy.
I don't hate my selfishness, without that, I wouldn't be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel so suffocated.

Little asshole came back NOW. How I want to hang him by his balls and how much I have to contain myself so I don't do anything irrational like cutting his head off and drinking his blood. And the best part? It's all on purpose, he 'planned' this in a way. He planned these reactions, he wanted them, he went out to look for them. It's either that or he's got some nerve... ¬¬

For real, I'm sick of this. I can't STAND this vulnerability that has been trying to take over me. I'm going back into being that bastardic son of a bitch S&M asshole or I'm gonna die sooner than anyone expects.

*1st thing, get rid of the "!" in my posts. They are not part of my character.
*2nd thing, no more laughing or smiling or being that lovey dovey or anything related to any of these areas.
*3rd thing, limit contact with people.
*4th thing, keep silence, no more talking unless it's absolutely necessary.
*5th thing, get a gun to see if I feel like a fit in some other realm, like HELL.
*6th thing, stop caring.
*7th thing, live in oblivion and submerged in songs.
*8th thing, no more corny/cliche shit. My reputation is on the line, as is my ego.
*9th thing, stop being obsessive/stupid/illogical/clingy. You are irking others and yourself.
*10th thing, lather + rinse + repeat (all these steps) = the Michelangelo we all know.

I hate the "oh-dear-he's-so-troubled" kind of crap. Leave me alone. Demn you.

Crap, I suck

I'm so fucking obsessed my head's swimming. I'm obsessed with him in every possible way. I can't have it that he talks to anyone that could hurt him, I can't have it that he goes away for too long, I can't have it that he loves someone in some other dimension shit, I can't have it that he ignores me or anything even closely related. I feel like such a fucking piece of shit. I want to get hurt, I want to build this stone wall around me where I can play my music quietly. I want to be trapped where I could torture myself by writing lots of songs, all intertwined with him. I would write about his future, about his present, about the world he made me believe existed, about the damage he did to my being... and you know what? I would be fine. I wouldn't need anything. I could rot there, but happy. I would love to have him there but how wrong or bad do you have it when you are so confused? I mean, can a specific feeling be THIS overwhealming and engulfing to the point of blindness?

And so it is.

I feel like crap and not sentimentally speaking. I mean, my stomach is a big piece of shit right now, churning. I think I'll throw up. Been too long on the computer, been eating too much junk. Oi.

On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Veronique.