I'm leaving tomorrow to Puerto Rico. Meeting over with Veronique there. We always take these weekend vacations together, some sort of de-stress technique. Leaving a lot of shit and problems behind so I'm quite eager. Plane leaves at 8 am. *shudders* I hate planes.
So yeah, if you love me, send me an e-mail and if you don't, send me one too. Though I won't have a flying fuck of an idea of who YOU are, I'll make me deliriously happy ;)
Pffft.
Eyes are sore and so is rest of my body, and I haven't packed. I'm buying Rink a hamster [which I'll be taking care of by the end of the ordeal]. I'll be getting myself a female.
So yeah...
Take care everyone.
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
We broke up. Get ready.
We broke up last night, at midnight.
We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.
. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .
I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...
Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.
But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.
After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.
Ahem.
I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.
I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.
I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.
I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.
Your twin,
Michelangelo
That was depressing...
. . .
Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.
I got hurt.
We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.
. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .
I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...
Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.
But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.
After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.
Ahem.
I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.
I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.
I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.
I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.
Your twin,
Michelangelo
That was depressing...
. . .
Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.
I got hurt.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Goodness
I'm going to fuck her. I am a sex machine. So this is what I used to do before I went right unto his trap... make them believe I want them, that I can't live without them, giving them so much pleasure they might burst. Indeed. I'm going to fuck Lucille.
Saturday, August 23, 2003
Ranting away
So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.
Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.
It just happened to me.
It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.
One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.
Why I wonder...
I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.
Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.
Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.
Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.
If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!
I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.
WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.
. . .
Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.
*groans*
I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.
Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.
Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*
Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.
It just happened to me.
It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.
One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.
Why I wonder...
I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.
Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.
Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.
Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.
If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!
I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.
WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.
. . .
Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.
*groans*
I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.
Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.
Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*
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