Not even I can believe that those words are truly in the subject head but then again, today has been the day of many miracles. This week, that had started out with a load of shit just for me, has given me something that I think not even the Gods in Olympus predicted. We did it. I did. I didn't think about here, now, past or future. I just felt the undeniable surge of lust and did everything in my power to achieve it's satisfactory finale.
Ah yes.
Blissful sin I have just committed. Bad boy am I? Indeed but it was... there are truly no words for it.
... :)
He's mine now.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Thursday, July 17, 2003
It's funny isn't it?
The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.
So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.
I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?
Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?
What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?
He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.
How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.
So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.
I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?
Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?
What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?
He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.
How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
Gripping fear...
It's moving up my spine and disengaging my neurons. My eyes are shinning, without blinking, and I'm still, sitting down, my entire body is tense as my arm trembles. THE conversation he says. What did I did wrong I wonder? it shouldn't BE a wonder. I'm a selfish, bastardic, selfcentered, antisocial prick. Raise your hands those who are surprised. Given as they are none I shall continue with this, horrible, leechy way of mine. I think I should die sooner than what everyone thinks. I'm not useful to humans, I'm not useful to anyone, not even those whom I supposedly loved. My hand is trembling now, the realization is sinking in. I.AM.USELESS. The more I think I'm doing something right, the more I think I'm protecting someone, it's in reality, the more I'm hurting and the more I'm doing the wrong thing. So maybe when I was young, I never learned correctly the difference between right and wrong. So maybe it was wrong hoping I could do things that obviously, I'm mentally challenged to do. The only purpose of my existence is to bemuse everyone else with my so-called beauty and there it ends. There is no other purpose for an empty candy wrapping, now is there? That should be my new nickname.
emptycandywrapping@hotmail.com
Yeah, I got a new e-mail. Hurrah for me. I'm not feeling all that much for one solid reason that happened that faithful day, I have no heart. I got rid of it. I squashed it. I tore it. I sliced it. I killed it. There is nothing left so I feel any pain, it's probably from the lack of heart, the heart that craves to feel but can't because it's not even there.
Oh sweet glory.
Toss and turn me.
I'm a empty candy wrapping,
Step on, squash me,
There really is no stopping.
::EDIT::
I want to die alone.
emptycandywrapping@hotmail.com
Yeah, I got a new e-mail. Hurrah for me. I'm not feeling all that much for one solid reason that happened that faithful day, I have no heart. I got rid of it. I squashed it. I tore it. I sliced it. I killed it. There is nothing left so I feel any pain, it's probably from the lack of heart, the heart that craves to feel but can't because it's not even there.
Oh sweet glory.
Toss and turn me.
I'm a empty candy wrapping,
Step on, squash me,
There really is no stopping.
::EDIT::
I want to die alone.
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