It's late. I might as well wait for the sunset right? I haven't been able to sleep since I've been working really hard on various projects I've left on hold.
All that I know is that I love my twin to pieces. She will always be the first and only woman in my life that will mean anything to me, along with my sister, Katzereine Cil. But you know, Caterina and I are really close. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I feel sad when truth hits either one of us, I guess we never really grew up ready for hard-hitting reality. I know it seems stupid on my part, let's be real. I've lived way too much shit. Arrests, gangs, violence of all kinds... still, nothing hurts more than an emotional blow. Those that school doesn't train you for.
I love my twin. I love my twin forever. I guess I just need to say this for a bit. So I wouldn't feel so bad just because I can't heal her. Or I can't even approach her when she's upset, angry or betrayed. She still resents me for letting her down. She still resents me for not coming to her rescue. For a knight in shinning armor on stand-by, I failed miserably.
Let's be real. I fail all the time (Math and Science class specially). It just... aches all over. I used to be her everything, she was my everything. Now she hates me for having what I have. No. It's for caring the way I do. She thinks it's stupid therefore finds my problems idiotic. But anyone would feel that way after a break-up where you are forced to find a new prince. Been kissing one too many frogs, huh.
Caterina, I really love you and I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, I'm sorry for loosing you in the process, I'm sorry. And for all those times that will surely come where I will disappoint you again. That and death are the only certain things in life. I do wish you happiness. It won't stop me from taking care of you and questioning every man that comes knocking on your door, it's my job. I'm your big brother (by 5 minutes).
I just wish... you wouldn't hate me. And it's been more than one occasion where I wish I could turn back time and be back to those days where we used to share popsicles under the sun. Or when we made sand castles that would touch the sky. Or whenever dad came by with two lollipops. Stupid memories. Happy memories.
Most of all, I'm sorry if I seem kid-like to you. I guess... I still need to grow up. But I guess it's post like these that piss you off. Well, then don't read it. I promise I'll get out of your pink hair for a while. Though... if you're ever feeling not like yourself, and you want someone to hug, stand by you, listen or just have a staring match; give me a call.
Thierry and I are good again. Yay. Sappy moment over.
My head really hurts. It's been like this since 12 AM. Sucks man. Want to seriously blow my brains out.
1 comment:
Caterina: ... well I don't know... I just think we grew apart, and even if now we have the opportunity to connect... we just don't, we're never in the right place. All I know is I really miss you. :( And I wish things were different. And I kind of wonder what YOU think of my boyfriends in general.
Hmm... actually I want us to talk.
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