We're back home

Plane ride was... ick. Planes are evil, as is height. It's cold here. Rink couldn't tolerate the weather change very much. The effect of the pills I took for the ride is wearing off.

He confuses me so much. He drives me insane.

Rink's sick. He seems to have some kind of virus. He wanted to get better in an unconventional way... mainly sex. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Normally I'm all for the sex. You, my dear public, should know. But right now, I dunno what the fuck is wrong for me.

I'm overly sentimental. In the bad, lovey dovey song kind of way. I wanted to sing "Slide" for him. "SLIDE" for the love of GOD. I wanted to sing "Hanging by a moment" for him. Yes, it was horrible. I don't know what got into me. I just stared at him, while he coughed and did childish -yet adorable- things. I wanted to keep him there with me, forever, even if he's sick like now. I want to sit him on my lap and hear him breathe. It's so soothing. A breath... living... flesh. I evem got annoyed when Benjamin came over to visit. I hate it when people want to have their own happiness while detaching others of their own. I guess that makes me a hypocrit because I could care shit that I'm making someone unhappy because I'm with Rink. Fuck you all. I deserve my little piece of sunshine too >:|

My God, how can this be so frustrating?! I don't want to say it. I hate it that the words are hanging from my mouth, as if the chance were given they would jump out. I have enough issues with Rink trying to control me and have the upper hand, the last thing I need is for him to find out. If he did, I would be forced to deny it to bitter death and then my fears will make me turn into this violent animal that only wants raunchy sex and could care less about Rink's feelings. No one can touch what is mine or else I will have their head and hang it at the entrance door.

He said the magic words today. "That's so unlike you..." Why is it that loving is unlike me? why are you making me fall in love with you every day? you swoop me in, faster and deeper with each passing moment. What would I be without you? why does loving you make me the weak one? Here's the second. I'm afraid now. I want to hurt you. I want you away from me. And the second went by. I breathe, I regain myself. I look at you sleep. So vulnerable. You'd think a little flimsy thing like yourself couldn't even scratch me, much less hurt me and have me in alert mode.

DAMN YOU. I don't want to laugh in front of you, I don't want to smile in front of you, I don't want to fall in love even more with you, I don't want to get hurt by you, I don't want to be ashamed of this feeling. But I forgot you're a fallen angel. I took your hand, I'm falling with you... I'm scared when I look into your eyes. You make it all seem so real. I don't believe in love at first sight. I never believed in love. I've seen so many suffer because of it.

I didn't want to write here anymore. I don't like getting my feelings out of my shell, it gets so messy. O_O I start getting confused, I wonder what you need, I ask myself if I'm being to cruel with you, I ponder if you think of me every passing second... is love circumstancial? I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop writing songs about you. I can't stop breathing you, feeling you, kissing you, loving you... and I really hate myself in this lovey dovey crap. It's mutilatingly ANNOYING. I feel I've lost so much of me when I'm with you. The cynism, the hate, the barriers I built to protect me... they are all gone. I can't find them. I can't rebuild them for a long time. They fade away like sand castles. I'm passive. I've opened myself to you. I trust you. I feel I'm naked and I'm begging you to love me. My flaws are scattered about me. They bloom like flowers in early spring. Why do you like them so much?

How do you feel when it comes to me? have I forced you to love me? is it just lust? why won't you say? are you afraid like me? what do you think when you see me? what do you love of me? what do you hate? is my humanity so bizarre? why don't you touch me? am I still disgusting to you? why do I feel that you'll judge me if I ask things of you? do you mean everything you say? .... ok, stop the question session. I'm annoyed with myself now. ARGH self. Stop being such an idiot and focus on more important things!
...like brownies.

*growls at blogger*

I’m currently in the Dominican Republic, in Puerto Plata to be more specific. We got here on Wednesday. Yesterday we went to swim with the dolphins in Ocean World. It was fun. I went snorkeling too. Loads of big fishies and pretty corals. Rink hardly moved, he was too busy staring and being amazed by all the prettiness. I had to drag him everywhere; he’s still being a dickhead. He’s blocked when it comes to me, as the lovely witches from Santo Domingo would say.

At times when I’m with him, I get so confused and angry, I want to break his skull and look at him lie helplessly on the floor. He would plea, his sky blue eyes on the verge of tears. I would have him submitted, like a fallen prey in the hands of a merciless killer. I would lick his tears and kiss his lips, dry from the fear. In pure delight I would lick the blood off his face, then I would get on top of him to kiss him… to feel him. His body is such a marvel. It twists and flinches and turns all possible shades of red. Blood and tears. Just thinking about it makes me want to do him over and over him. *insert deep breath* who said sick pleasure couldn’t be equally enjoyable? Or even more?

Have I ever described my lover? He can be such a pest. Mind games are his speciality. He loves to give me a jesting, condescending look. He delights in tricking people and confusing them so they can loose focus. He seems to find the human mind to be amusing, specially when it looses track of what it’s saying or doing. He’s a mirage, harboring his innocent malice beneath an angel’s face. But have I ever told you how beautiful is the sky in his eyes? You can almost see stars take a peak at night. Those same eyes that hold so many secrets from me, those same eyes that submerge you in a frozen wasteland… he can stroke you with a gaze and make love to you with a smile. His hair is soft, black silk threads woven to perfection. I’ve wondered if roses kissed his skin at birth…

He inspires poetic verses out of me, along with insufferable bouts of lust and desire. Last night we had one of our famous random fights. It was just so stupid. And even so, I discovered something amidst all the crap. As my last bit of patience died away as a worn candle I saw that he’s every bit of my perfect imperfection. Haven’t I always described him as a fallen angel? My Dark Eros. I kiss your anger, I drink from your desolate sadness, I breathe your melancholy… what do you search for in others that you can’t find in your own self?

You grate my nerves you little asshole. You know how bad I want you, you know how you want me just as well! What the fuck is it with these questions?! You know I won’t answer them. Are you even more cynical than myself when it comes to you? Fucking pisses the hell out of me that you think everyone is as shallow as you are. You think you are only worth for the sex?! And of all people I AM telling you this. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. I swear but CHRIST, you sure as hell don’t help. You have any doubts, ASK ME. You have a mouth for something other than kissing and sucking.

To be continued…? Tan tan tan…

Survey already

What I think...
..snow?: Rink
..rain?: soft
..tornado?: destruction
..summer love?: Passing
..Jon?: John
..Mike?: Piazza
..banana?: Yum.
..dizzy?: up the girl
..Juan?: Luis Guerra
..car?: bmw
..white?: tainted
..peppermint?: gum
..New Found Glory?: Old Lost Failure
..orange juice?: Breakfast
..hate?: many
..school?: Life
..President?: No one
..football?: Cool
..rock?: forever
..sex?: on legs
..death?: inevitable
..baby?: innocence
..duuude?: surfer
..the end?: eternity