Michel des Anges

Song inspired by our new-old couple

2009-08-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: Creativity and inspiration hit me in certain queer situations. This is one of those situations. Oh and that's not definite title. Cupcake, don't hate me.

“V+K”

Nobody knows how it happened
Nobody around you saw you stand,
Everyone is used to see you fallen
So no one else offered his hand

After you’ve wandered alone
Now I know you’ve found home

[CHORUS:]
When everything around you is falling apart
And there’s no place for love in your heart
Could he be the one you’ve waited for?
‘Loving him is my favorite mistake’ you say
‘And I wouldn’t want it any other way’
Could he be the one you’ve waited for?

I see surrender, I see hope
I’ve seen the way you look at him
Like the stars hold the moon

It’s time to stop the hiding
Time for you to face the truth

[CHORUS:]
When everything around you is falling apart
And there’s no place for love in your heart
Could he be the one you’ve waited for?
‘Loving him is my favorite mistake’ you say
‘And I wouldn’t want it any other way’
Could he be the one you’ve waited for?

The heart can only hold so much pain within
How many more promises will you break,
Don’t you see, you’re meant to be
There’s no way you’re fooling me
Don’t you know,
He’s found your soul.

When everything around you is falling apart
And there’s no place for love in your heart
Could he be the one you’ve waited for?

You’ve waited for…

The heart can only hold so much pain within.

Peek-a-boo?

2009-08-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

By Gods, I have broken the yearly update cycle. How sad are you?

It's almost September. It's my favorite month right after January. Why? For some personal ~~Giovanni~~ and private ~~Rink~~ reasons. I better break my piggy bank because the ridiculous overspending to buy their love has to start. It sure as hell does not matter that my piggy bank looks like this:

IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Ahem.

Following months of a creativity dry spell, I've decided to finish working on the many incomplete songs I have. Well. What I really did was write an entirely new song and so far I like where it's going. No title yet. Sentiments ARE there though.

Excuse me while I complete it.

Give it a World

2009-02-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

So I guess I am trying to go for yearly updates? HAPPY EVERYTHING. Now we can stop pretending I give a damn.

Blogger had a campaign against me last night. It ate TWO entries. It knows I hate to retype so once I get inspired, I am on a roll. Summoning that roll after everything has been deleted, cool comebacks and awesome snark included, is near impossible. Blogger, you fail me.

But for you my minions, I'll do my worst. Hm. I think I need to come up with a better name for you. Minions isn't filling me with happy fuzziness anymore.

So after a very long while where I was all alone in my Twitter world, there was a big bang of sorts and Nathan, Veronique and Christian suddenly sprouted with accounts. Now there is a daily twitter war ("I HAZ DIET ISSUES ~sob~" "I fix it <3" "YOU DID WHAT?!") and I love to watch from the sidelines. All I need is some buttered up pop corn, a single misleading tweet and off they go. All hell breaks loose. I'm waiting for Delton, Delton Girl and Vasser to materialize though by then Twitter will be fried. We're on the look out. Though man, I have to refresh so fucking much that my Twitter crashes on my not-supposed-to-be-amusing-but-it-is browser. I'm using Opera. Yeah. Because I can.

Because of this highly addictive service, I've become aware of the severe blossoming of a particular friendship between a cold blooded bastard and an ADD-stricken pirate. Look at me using all my text book jargon. A few years back, when it 'started'... I had mild OMFG moment... explosion. Safe to say I felt fucking angry and like I had really paid for my mistakes then. I really thought Nathan was screwing me over and I... felt hurt. After my ego finished taking a stroll around the self-loathing park, I started to realize a few things about these people. You know, above the fact that they have abso-fucking-lutely nothing in common. These two men, both very different in attitude and upbringing, started gyrating towards each other out of nowhere. Didn't want to admit it but it's really... interesting. From a psychotic point of it. Wait, psychiatric. Always get confused.

What is it about each other that makes a friendship possible? How come they're so close (and I mean CLOSE)? Do they feed off each other? If so, what does the one have that the other lacks? What kind of love is possible if they already have a special someone (yeah BOTH)?

If I didn't know any better I'd say that they each have a wound and the band-aid is shaped like each other. Did that make sense?

Just seeing their twitters, it's obvious this ain't something normal like a blow job or one night stand. Their world, their bubble... it's big enough for two. That's it. Whoever walks in there without permission is a dead (wo)man walking.

And my computer is about to die from low battery. That's the bad thing of choosing a career that focus on the human mind, you overanalyze like a hen. I want to know. I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

Pictures of You

2008-09-29T11:13:00.000-07:00

Don't cry for me my little minions, the truth is I never left you.

So stop moping.

I am hoping to regulate my updating. Or not. It really depends on the volume of my work and my desire to stand up from my couch to fetch my laptop. I added Twitter so now you know everything I am doing...

Been working really, really hard lately because in truth I have nothing better to do. Lucky for me, I've acquired a pretty decent portfolio so the money is coming in on a semi-steady pace. Now Pookie has an actual chew toy excluding my converse. Now I can get the good condoms. Mint flavor and everything.

We have an interesting set of priorities.

Speaking of sex and body fluids, I hooked up with this really hot piece of ass a few months ago. I was finishing up a photoshoot and he was next door. Can't really remember his name. I know it's with a B... somewhere. Point is we got to looking, we grunted something and off to some dark corner it was. It had to be quick, he had some work to do and the doll-esque model was going Furby on everyone.

Yes, the yummy Juicy Couture guy. I am quite happy to report that he is now on my speed dial for nqf (nice-quick-fucks). Gotta admit he's not what I usually go for (like a tattoo parlor gave birth to him) but so far it's been a pretty good fuck. I am glad my acquired ADD hasn't affected my performance ability. Most of the time I want to figure out what the fuck he has drawn on him... but that can wait until after we are satisfied.

Tomorrow is my prince's birthday. I must celebrate by dressing in green, like St. Patrick's day and stalking him. Excitement is all over the place. We must get cake.

Believe what you will

2008-06-05T11:06:00.000-07:00

In case it wasn't already obvious, to my dying fan base, I want to say that I've been taking a break from both reality and the written world. I've been writing (not working on them because they aren't a construction site) some songs. After a rather crappy 2007, I finally read all those piled up fortune cookies in my bottom drawer. Got sick of getting screwed over and clinging to some distant memory of the past.

My father and I are not really the type to sit down and have a conversation. Actually, up until a two or years ago, we weren't really capable of anything. Talking, looking at each other, let alone being in the same room. It isn't that I am not grateful to the man that sacrificed his childhood and teenage years to take care of us, doing his best to provide us with food and toys so that my sister and me never felt for a second that we were unfortunate. It's thanks to him that I think that Burger King and Chef Boyardee are fine cuisine.

The other thing about my sperm donor (as I fondly called him) is that he is completely screwed up in the relationship department. I don't think he's ever had a stable, monogamous relationship and what makes this worse is that he is a shrink. So I can safely say that all shrinks are fucking crazy. Some just know how to hide it better.

It seems to me that dad has been undergoing some sort emotional struggle because of this. He's been smoking. My dad doesn't smoke. Not even the four times that I've been in jail. Not even when I told him I was into men. Not even when the woman that gave birth to me and my sister fucked things over and left. But NOW he's stressed out.

Maybe he's met his match.

Dad Inferno Test

2008-05-30T12:40:00.000-07:00

My dad took the test. Even I am slightly surprised at the results.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Eigth Level of Hell - the Malebolge!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Jaws-a-droppin'

2007-09-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

Wow. I haven't updated in like... forever. Well I've been busy so fuck off. But before you do that, look at how hot I still am. Hair's a little longer now.

There is a lot of shit going around. Like... Nathan has a journal now which is pretty WTF considering he's such a secretive person. I mean he's tougher to get into than the FBI Headquarters on a bad day. WHICH made the journal creation surprising but not so surprising the journal abandonment. I mean, who was he kidding? >> It's frickin' Nathan. Super secret, non-trusting, scary Nathan. Doesn't matter if there is this peaceful dude trying to take his place. There are some things that are permanent with people. Like me for example. I will always be growling and horny. You can count on that like... the day only has 24 hours. Nathan is a very cynical person that is very careful with whom he cares about because he's one of those people that's been burned pretty badly. That or he just wants to control everyone because it's fun. He's a Gemini. The intentions switch.

What is even MORE surprising than Nathan getting a journal (which trust me, is shocking enough, I mean jaws dropped), is who Nathan is choosing to hang out with these days.

Man. I am like fucking Perez Hilton here. Ah whatever, you don't like it, go hump a tree. (See? I was NICE)

So he's hanging out with Earl CraPercy, who is like a big shit in England. Yeah I know he's my friend too, whatever, suck my dick. I can be a jealous fucker if I so desire. I mean, how unlikely is that?! They have NOTHING in common. At least from this perspective. Except that they both enjoy things that grow from the earth. And that is green. That's all I am saying and seeing.

What's even funnier is Nathan's current particular ~~love~~lust interest (because TRUST ME, he has plenty)... Veronique Reinard. Again, second jaw drop. She is the little queen of the school, really popular, really rich and spoiled and treats people like shit. Not only that, she likes to sleep around and pepper that with occasional kinky sex. And she is really into fashion and drinking and has the patience of a stockbroker. So... what of that SCREAMS Nathan? Well she does have a whacked sense of humor. Guess that's good or something?

Adding to that FUN... is the fact that my sister is now the center of everything. I remember when I was popular or so because I was actively modeling. My sister is popular for being a virgin and dating a school jock PLUS being chased by a teacher PLUS having a weird rocker chick as a best friend PLUS having the queen bee follow her around trying to get her to join her clique or something. And you thought that Caterina didn't have a full round up life. >>

Backing up to Nathan, Veronique hates Ashley because she slept with Nathan (according to some sources more than once) and they were friends or something and like Ashley broke a code of women or something. Point is, Veronique won't let it go and Ashley is not about to get some shit from anyone. I hate her so I am all 'Team Veronique' on this one. Then again, she's a fucking beehive, keeps stinging whenever you try to get close. I mean, she disses Veronique in her journal by complaining about how rich people this and rich people that. Makes me think that Ashley is even more narrow-minded than expected. I mean, if you REALLY think that Veronique is just a materialistic bitch and that nothing bad happens to her or that she doesn't care about anything else... stop doing drugs. Same goes for Ashley. She's not JUST about world peace. I am hoping. She's probably a lonely little pup wrapped in a bitch package.

In fact... I am so entertained right now that I will make a pretty little image on Photoshop (because I finally learned how to work that shit) and maybe IT can summarize what's currently happening.

Fun, huh.

Birthday Salutations

2007-09-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my other half... <3 Ich liebe dich. Can't wait to find you.

If you want to, I can save you

2007-06-06T05:30:00.000-07:00

It's late. I might as well wait for the sunset right? I haven't been able to sleep since I've been working really hard on various projects I've left on hold.

All that I know is that I love my twin to pieces. She will always be the first and only woman in my life that will mean anything to me, along with my sister, Katzereine Cil. But you know, Caterina and I are really close. Or at least, that's what I'd like to think. I feel sad when truth hits either one of us, I guess we never really grew up ready for hard-hitting reality. I know it seems stupid on my part, let's be real. I've lived way too much shit. Arrests, gangs, violence of all kinds... still, nothing hurts more than an emotional blow. Those that school doesn't train you for.

I love my twin. I love my twin forever. I guess I just need to say this for a bit. So I wouldn't feel so bad just because I can't heal her. Or I can't even approach her when she's upset, angry or betrayed. She still resents me for letting her down. She still resents me for not coming to her rescue. For a knight in shinning armor on stand-by, I failed miserably.

Let's be real. I fail all the time (Math and Science class specially). It just... aches all over. I used to be her everything, she was my everything. Now she hates me for having what I have. No. It's for caring the way I do. She thinks it's stupid therefore finds my problems idiotic. But anyone would feel that way after a break-up where you are forced to find a new prince. Been kissing one too many frogs, huh.

Caterina, I really love you and I'm sorry for all the times I let you down, I'm sorry for loosing you in the process, I'm sorry. And for all those times that will surely come where I will disappoint you again. That and death are the only certain things in life. I do wish you happiness. It won't stop me from taking care of you and questioning every man that comes knocking on your door, it's my job. I'm your big brother (by 5 minutes).

I just wish... you wouldn't hate me. And it's been more than one occasion where I wish I could turn back time and be back to those days where we used to share popsicles under the sun. Or when we made sand castles that would touch the sky. Or whenever dad came by with two lollipops. Stupid memories. Happy memories.

Most of all, I'm sorry if I seem kid-like to you. I guess... I still need to grow up. But I guess it's post like these that piss you off. Well, then don't read it. I promise I'll get out of your pink hair for a while. Though... if you're ever feeling not like yourself, and you want someone to hug, stand by you, listen or just have a staring match; give me a call.

Thierry and I are good again. Yay. Sappy moment over.

My head really hurts. It's been like this since 12 AM. Sucks man. Want to seriously blow my brains out.

The crowd still cheers

2007-06-03T21:21:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to my twin for competing on a songwriting/performance contest and excelling in the way she did. I'm very proud. And hey, who knows, maybe a collaboration is in store for us. I'll look forward to it. You did wonderful.

Now that I've ended my proud papa bear speech, I will continue to say the following: Thierry, what you told me last night was and still is a bad idea. We cannot validate our relationship that way, in fact, I'm afraid it'll make it WORSE. Hell, it might even separate us because we won't have time for ourselves... maybe we need therapy. Maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it as I've been doing. I don't want to bring more attention to this because it might just be a nuisance. We all crave for attention, I guess I just lost my head back there. Along with my hair. Which I still don't miss, strange huh?

For those who are DYING to know, he liked the cut. Yes, we can all breathe safely now.

Either way... I have a lot to give to you, Thierry. The same way I would be more than willing to give all that love to a child. Maybe that IS the right way...? I'm not good at this. Might as well ask dad, he might know something. Or submit us to couples counseling. Whichever comes first.

I love you. I promise to give you no more headaches. And whatever you wish to do, I will support you.

I'm tired. I need sleep, I have plenty of compromises and appointments tomorrow (or should I say later on in the day?).

Hair... again

2007-05-31T15:03:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of those that had something to say about it. Whether they liked it or not, whether it was eloquently (word-of-the-day toilet paper) said or just with a jaw drop, or big eyes, or mild insinuations over my course of life.

I'm not feeling remorse yet. I'm thinking it'll come any minute now, especially after seeing all the pictures. I guess my big hair was my thing, and now I got rid of my thing, so I have nothing at the current moment. No pun intended. No comment from the Thierry or Caterina camp, I'm awaiting news from their PR.

My dad dropped his new mini buddha when he saw. I guess it's tradition, everytime a mini buddha of dad's is broken, it means something. God knows. He didn't speak but kept following me, staring at my head in sheer disbelief. He said he had never seen my head that naked, except when I was born. I could see that he was extremely worried, mostly because his eyes kept twitching. Maybe he was annoyed or something. He's forcing me into therapy because he says this is close to Britney's head-shaving-desperate-call-for-attention-before-a-breakdown.

I'm not having a breakdown. If I were on the verge of one, I wouldn't notice.

Why I did it though... that's what you're all wondering after your jaws made a hole on the floor. Someone suggested that in true J-Dorama fashion, I was making this as some weird-ass statement / symbolism that I am mourning a love, or that I feel rejected by a love or that I'm seeking a love's forgiveness. There's so many stupid tangents (wotdtp) to this theory, seriously. It's pissing me off. And you know, I have no real reason to explain myself to ANYONE but apparently this will be a bomb scare all over again if I don't.

I did it because I wanted to. Because I've been mulling it for a few days now, since that photoshoot in Atlanta, if I remember correctly. So don't be so surprised. If you are, that just goes to show how you don't take me seriously >/

I want to validate myself through this change. I want to become someone else, and by this, I will become stronger. I'm sick of arguing with people I really care about (YES YOU CATERINA, YES YOU THIERRY) on a daily basis and I am sick of them doubting every fucking little second that I actually give a flying fuck about them. I'm also sick of myself. It is not in my DNA to feel so damn weak, needy and abandoned every fucking day. People are trying, that should be more than enough for me. So this where I meet them half way. I cut away what's holding me back. I become stronger; I stop relying on people. No way in hell I'm forcing myself on someone like a burden. I can stand on my own... or at least that's something I'd like to believe.

Thierry is my reason for everything I do. Live, breathe... and more often than not I feel like he's just lugging me around, which is quite hard. You'd understand if you see his size and mine. I don't want to become a burden... but I'm being taught to share my feelings, which is honestly, the MAIN reason why things are so fucked up right now for me. People get really closed up, they become scared of me through my words or worse, they grow to hate me. My twin sister is a great example. I'm very up front, I'm very mean and I'm an oaf.

I'll be realistic, I won't say I'll keep quiet and I'll never speak again. That's what I want to do, so all the shit will just stop. But Thierry says that it's not right, I can't afford more rifts with him right now. I'm going to officially stop waiting for him to save me. He's done enough, more than enough. I don't want to loose him. Too many close-calls. I'm keeping my end of the deal, I'm taking a step in moving towards him, I just needed more courage from within to go with it. So the hair's gone. And hopefully all my insufficiencies along with it.

Stop worrying. I don't feel so broken anymore. Though that might go down the drain if Thierry hates it. We'll see.

Hair

2007-05-31T11:45:00.000-07:00

I cut my hair.

Yeah... my big, fluffy, messy hair is gone. It's weird, man. I feel my nape is exposed. I'm not even sure if it looks good or not. I just went to my hair stylist in a daze.

I don't remember how I managed to get up so fucking early in the morning... especially after the big ass fight I had with my twin. I didn't feel like getting out of bed or even moving. But I woke up at 7 a-fucking-m, made breakfast and left. I don't know how I got to the hair place, I guess I was on automatic. Pookie is the only one that's seen it. He growled at me, I don't know what that means. Maybe he didn't recognize me without the mane.

...if you don't like it, suck it up. >/

I wonder what Thierry will think...

All I can do is keep breathing

2007-05-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be the first to let my guard down, so I can get trampled by people that could care less about me. It's all a big lie in the end, what the hell do they care about this? about me or my problems? about my feelings of insecurity? No one cares. So why should I care about that? It's not like it matters, it's not like it's important to anyone else. Who am I kidding? Please... we're all selfish. Rink is selfish, my dad is selfish, Caterina is selfish... so I'm selfish too. That's fine by me. I'll stop minding everyone's business. I'll let them die and drown, I'll cross my arms and tell them to swim. That's what they tell me, so that's what they get. No one deserves more than they give. I am not Santa Claus, I am not a free giver.

I just want to get through this. I just want to sort this shit out so Caterina stops being such an ass with me. Then I can go back to my catatonic state and wait for Rink to leave me. You can't love two people at the same time, the same way, with the same intensity. It just doesn't work that way, it's crap, it's bullshit, it's a lie. You either love me, completely me or you release me. But I can't ask anything out of you because you're so goddamned sheltered that all you do is cry when things get tough. All you really care about is ruining peoples lives, Rink, and loving your big brother. We are all just toys for you.

I close my blinds to you and the world, I just want to lie on my floor and listen to music until I begin to rot. Then I can die peacefully. Alone. With music. It can't get more decadent than that. Then Rink can forget me, move with Ashley and have a pound with all their kids. Caterina can get married with Christian and be happy, be daddy's little girl and twinless. I'm sure she wouldn't miss me. My dad might miss me. I am his only son.

I want help. I don't feel good feeling so sad. I am so angry too. I feel so ignored. I wish someone wanted to help me. I wish someone was there for me... I wish someone missed me. I wish someone loved me because they do, not because they have to. I wish I still believed in Rink and in his 'love' for me. He did love me once... just not anymore. I am old news for him, I am used goods. I'm not for him anymore. If only my biggest wish wasn't to be saved by Rink... if only I could stop depending on him for once.

At the end of the day, this is all vague, stupid and meaningless. Just like my existence.

Birthday Salutations

2007-05-30T15:56:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to my older sister, Katzereine ... <3

...

As for my twin, I need to seriously meet up with her and solve our shit. It's driving me insane and pissing me off like no tomorrow.

Seriously...

2007-05-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

Now Marie has a journal. Seriously. >/ What is it with people and blogging nowadays!

Argh.

Back to watching reruns of Miami Ink.

I want to believe in more than you and me

2007-05-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

Compared to everyone else in this sudden 'blogging' community, I'm very slow with my updates. I guess I'm the only one with half a life or a shitload of denial. Whichever really, they both suit me. I miss my twin.

Taking guitar lessons all over again has allowed me to calm down and deal with my inner crap. (I will forever remove the word demon from my vocabulary). Or at least, I can ignore it with a better excuse. Though I've had to deal with it since I had a minor breakdown in front of Thierry. That wasn't nice for me, specially because he was so surprised and he looked so hurt. Of course he didn't know, considering how careful I've been. I want to get over these things on my own... perhaps in a stupid attempt to not depend as much as I already do on him.

I really love him. I really want to make him happy. And most of all, I want him to be proud of me. Ugh. In case you're curious, my dignity is down the drain by now.

But I guess what everyone else says is true. We're too different. I never minded. I didn't care shit because I loved him, I had been lucky enough to find him and there was no way anyone was going to take him away from me. Now... I can't stop thinking that he's with me because he's forced to, or worse, used to it. He wouldn't leave me because he's used to me. Then I think, Thierry isn't like that. Thierry leaves, point period. So my insecurities are stupid but still there.

It's not my fault. I've been raised to believe that relationships don't work. I mean, seriously. Look at my parents. Knocked up at 16 with a 14 year old father, be real. Katzereine found her prince charming. I found my love. I just... don't know how to keep him when I feel I am constantly on the verge of loosing him. He tells me otherwise... I believe him. Or... at least I want to. He's been patient enough. He kissed me when I didn't deserve that reward from him. I love him for bearing with me. I love him for all that I want to be when I'm with him.

All I wish is for more confidence... I mean, how fucking hard is it for me to just live with what I have? And not be in this constant fear that he'll leave me? I want him to kiss me more. I want him to touch me more, hug me more and adore me more.

I'm too selfish. We all are. I really need to call my twin.

It's about time for us to stop believing in fairy tales. But we'll talk about this some other time.

Loving and Living - Both Extremely Hazardous

2007-05-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm back from Georgia. But guessing from the big ass question mark on your forehead, you had absolutely no idea I was gone in the first place. That's fine. I've been missing for a while either way. I had a promotional photoshoot at this fancy hotel called (appropriately) Château Élan Winery & Resort. It's very pretty, without a doubt.

It looks exactly like that when you're there, I'm not kidding. It's beautiful and apparently a favorite spot for weddings. I managed to witness two myself though quite frankly it's so fucking cold there at times I don't know how they did it. Oh before you pull the plug and run away screaming in terror, I was dressed as a groom in a make-believe wedding for the photo purposes. Quite a change since I'm traditionally half naked during my shoots. It was cool. Considering I got to live something I otherwise wouldn't have.

I'm thinking of cutting my hair. I'm getting tired of the locks. And no, I'm not SHAVING all my hair off. I'm really not in the mood to follow that fad. Just a bit shorter, maybe clean cut or not. I'm in the mood to change. I need to validate myself through this change.

Funny that my twin and I have a shit load of stuff in common. Our insecurity, our need for skin. Wow, talk about oncoming memory traffic. I just think that we both need a lot of love, a lot of support, and a lot of touching. Dad told me to buy this book because it'll help me out. I'm not good at expressing love and Thierry and I speak abysmally (new word) different languages. We both express love in very different ways which is why we Stockers go through constant suffering. It's not our partners fault, though I love to think otherwise >/

Watching Deal or No Deal is distracting me. Along with my voracious appetite. I miss my twin. I miss my dad. I miss my Thierry.

Anywhere you go, let me go too

2007-05-21T02:47:00.000-07:00

Who am I to tell you that you're mine?

With not enough reasons to live,

Why do you blame me for wanting to go?

I can't see you with her anymore. I can't breathe when I'm around you. I think of thousands of ways to dispose of me, my feelings, my uncertainty, my abandonment. How come you're not here to save me? Why did you leave me to die? Why aren't you here with me, trying to forget the world by my side... If love meant so little, then why allow me to believe in it?

I'm scared, why aren't you here? Why can't you hear me when I call you? Why... why did you stop loving me? if you ever did... I don't belong where you are.

But I'm strong and I can pretend. I wish I wasn't pathetic and I wish I had you with me to tell me that I'll make it in one piece, that you'll love me no matter what. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

Why am I so lost without you? I am nothing, no one without you.

So please... don't leave me.

My little piece of happiness, my little ray of hope... I can't die first. I can close my eyes, I can drown out all the sounds, I can stop crying and I'll live among my memories of you. When you cared, when you truly loved me. Even if you weren't supposed to, you were mine and will remain that way forever. I want to go now. Somewhere far, far away, where nothing that I see will remind me of you. Where I can begin to let go... at least some part of you.

I need a lot of ice cream right now... and cigarettes. Lots and lots of cigarettes.

Breaking News

2007-05-08T21:09:00.000-07:00

Caterina and Christian broke it off. Katzereine left Giovanni to go to Spain with Caterina. I'm taking guitar classes. Some people just have different priorities.

Sundays

2007-05-06T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am much more relaxed now. All that coffee sure helped.

It's a Sunday, which equals boredom and... more boredom. Sad for you, the lonely traveler looking for entertainment.

I am currently at my father's house, visiting for one reason, he promised me food. And by food, I mean one of my favorite foods that don't include sausages of any kind, paella. If you don't know what it is, look it up. Ironically (or knowing my dad PLANNED), the Spaniards ate this food on Sundays. We were going to go to Katzereine's for some reason or another but Giovanni had planned ahead to whisk her to the French Riviera for some romantic breakfast/lunch/dinner and then some alone time.

Seriously... damn, I can't say anything about him. T_T

Logically he isn't cooking this. I wouldn't be here. He's about to pick it up. He lured me. And was planning on luring Caterina as well but then remembered she is on some other part of the world. Ultimately, I will spend all this day vegging, working on some songs. I'm working on one that reminds me a lot of what Christian is going through with his entire mess. A mess that better turn out as I'm expecting or he will continue with his life without a vital organ... his dick >_> Anyways, that'll be my range of activities until night time comes.

Fun. That's all I'll say :3

Rage

2007-05-06T00:57:00.000-07:00

I'm pissed. I'm angry. I'm raging and it's consuming me. I want to hurt everything and everyone in my path. It's moments like these that make me realize that I'm severely damaged and that my father must've overlooked it so that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Hell, I don't want to deal with it. But it feels so nice now that I think about it. To be in this mess. That hot, bubbling sensation that corrodes my being, that makes my fingers tingle with expectation, that fucks up my lungs to the point that I can barely breathe. I feel exhilarated, I can't wait. The smell of blood and fear makes me shudder, my mouth relaxes after I lick my dry lips. And they curl. I'm intoxicated with the prospect. I'm dying (ironically) to get my hands on my kill, my defenseless prey. I'm going out for coffee tonight. For a long while, and through this I'll drown all my rage and my passive aggressive stance. Yes. Today some unlucky bastard will feel me and regret being born in the first place.

There's really no way to reach me

2007-05-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

This update is a bit overdue I think. I've been busy, if that's what you can say I've been doing.

April's already gone by. I spent a decent Easter week. It was my father's birthday April 7th, which he got to spend with his lover in his beach estate. He ate lemon ice cream, had a party the day before (which was filled with Caterina/Jean-Luc/Christian drama). That's always interesting. And the journal bug caught Christian so I'm about to give up my strike and just accept it. Maybe Eric's next, that'll give us something to talk about.

Yesterday was Christian's birthday, which my sister took unto her to throw him a cool party in our dad's house. He was shanghaied into going to Katzereine's so they could meet up and talk. Yeah, I bet Giovanni loved that. Before that, I was in New York City with Christian for some photoshoots and culture crap we wanted to pursue. I liked it, I figured I am a big city kind of guy. I like the concrete, I love the caged feel New York gave me when I looked up at the skyline. I saw the Phantom of the Opera and Mamma Mia!, which was fun. That's a city that you need to spend a lot of time in so you can do half of what you had planned on doing.

Thierry went off on a trip again, which isn't surprising considering he's actually working. I think he's enjoying it just a bit too much. The entire traveling scheme, the recording studio, the real estate deals. Ugh. Right. I promised myself I would work on this...

Screw it. I'm alone, I'll go watch a movie (or the series Planet Earth that I bought), call Nathan to see if he's alive or not and walk Pookie, he's restless.

Tattoos and musings

2007-04-05T00:55:00.000-07:00

I got this a few nights ago. I was drunk. I drew it on Freehand because my camera's dead and I can't take a picture of it. Not to mention it's covered and I'm lazy. It's on my left wrist. It stings a bit and I need to take care of it god knows how many times a day according to the aftercare instructions that ... crap I forgot his name. Well the tattoo artist gave them to me. In case it's not very clear, it's a T & M. Thierry & Michelangelo. I know. Shoot me.

Who am I kidding? Ego doesn't suit me. I'm slowly shedding mine. It helps me out... I hate rough patches. But I guess everyone needs to go through them every now and then. Thierry was still pissed at me so now we're talking instead of having sex. It's a new thing... I'm just glad he's kissing me and welcomed me back. I miss him way too much but I need to make more effort.

He wants a boyfriend, not a dog. Though that's strange, since I thought I was well received as a pet. It's ridiculous to say this is a year of change right? because we change all the time. I just want to make him happy. I want to make him cling to me and hold unto me when he's scared. I just want to protect him... and I will. This isn't just hoping for it. I will. He's my pet.

There, enough mushy. Back to playing Katamari. :3

And yeah I sound kind of drunk but I'm not. What's with everyone getting a journal huh? Now it's Ashley who has one. It's annoying I swear. >/ Then again, it's not because I like to have something to read.

Dad's birthday is Saturday and I have no idea what the hell I'm going to give him. Goodie.

...I wonder. People really must think I'm stupid or I'm just paranoid but I swear that Christian and Caterina have something going on. Though they're not confirming it to me. Merf. I'm too preoccupied.

Purging, because we can't breathe with venom in our veins

2007-03-27T02:29:00.000-07:00

This might be a bit too emo for some people... deal with it. I'm purging. I need to get this out so I can sleep.

You get away with fucking with me. You get away with leaving and complaining and bitching and moaning and I don't. You get like a fucking retard, annoyed and shit just because I'm jealous. Fuck it Rink, in how many fucking languages do I have to FUCKING tell you that you're the only one for me? That, sure I get involved, but I never think of leaving you, I never ever think of giving you up or even being FAR from you. So if you think I can adjust to this shit so easy, you're wrong. I thought it was QUITE clear for us that I can't deal with this changing that is around the atmosphere. I freak out. The same way you freak out when we're out of milk or cheese. The same way you get grumpy when I leave for a business trip. I get pissed, I get jealous and I get stubborn when I don't see you everyday. If it's that fucking hard for you to deal with it, then don't fucking bother. I'll do it on my own. But if you are my BOYFRIEND, if you are the love of my life, you would have the fucking decency to understand that it's HARD for me. I don't need the extra freedom that you so crave. And that's my fault, that's my damage. It's something I was willing to work on if I had you with me. Not like this. Not when you're distant. God knows what you're thinking and this would be easier if I could just TALK to you. But we don't talk, we just fuck all the time. That's how I got reassured. So I'm at fault here, I know this. I'm not turning this around, I'm not being a victim. I ADMIT MY FAULT. I want to work on it. I want to change. I want to be in the same page as you because if our relationship turns out to be that much of a burden, then there's no option but to change. I'm not loosing you under any circumstances. I'm not a man of words. I can't talk as freely or as easily as anyone else and it pisses me off because I just swallow it and grow to hate everything and everyone around me. So take your time. Be pissed. Here I thought that jealousy was some sort of REWARD to you. Sometimes I'm dying to ask you what the hell do you WANT from me? What do you NEED from me that it's so fucking hard for you to settle?! I am a walking disaster, I am a mess and I suck everyone in. We have that down. But as of today, tonight, I'm giving that up. I know people need me, I know people rely on me. You make me think too damn much. I walked into this mess, I jumped into my hole and buried myself in it so I have to climb out of it. I want you to help me, but as Nathan said, I can't expect you to. So you're not going to. I'm not doubting anymore. I'm not going to bother with thinking about these things. The more you entertain such shit, you start believing all your lies. So I am back here to the point where I wonder just how much right do I have over you? Then I think that I have no right to think in the first place. My father said it best. If you're a pet, you're not supposed to be thinking so much. You settle for what you're given. I'm not insinuating that you're not giving me anything. But I'm going back to that. Wow, I'm going back to a lot of things. Pets don't worry about anything except being fed. And being fucked or given love every now and then. I'm not going to manipulate you through my pain anymore. You're entitled to live and be free. That's what I'm being brainwashed by myself to believe in. You are entitled to choose. I can't choose for you anymore. I'm practically begging you, wordlessly for attention. It seriously borders on pathetic. I'm sick of being the hurt puppy dog, I'm a doberman. I don't need anything. I need to learn how to talk and stop thinking so damn much. I'll get a post it and put it on my forehead. My father also told me that repetition was good for the soul. I have to seriously work out or something...

I'm sorry, for all that I'm making you go through, for making you feel overwhelmed and for driving you insane. I'm sorry.

Used To
Daughtry

You used to talk to me like I was the only one around
You used to lean on me..the only other choice was falling down
You used to walk with me like we had nowhere we needed to go
Nice and slow, to no place in particular

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way
I used to listen, you always had just the right thing to say
I used to follow you, never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow to anywhere at all

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

I look around me and I want you to be there
Cause I miss the things that we shared
Look around you-it's empty and you're sad
Cause you miss the love that we had
You used to talk to me like I was the only one around...

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear you were the first star I'd see
We used to have this under control
We never thought...we Used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back, can we get this back...
To how it used to be

-

Great song. Get it.

Now I'm going to sleep next to my twin, she's probably having wet dreams by now. I hope I get to sleep now. Though I need Rink for that... his plushie will do.

Renovation

2007-03-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and Caterina got a journal.

So...
*drum roll*
I talked to Nathan.

Audience: *gasp*

It was... interesting. We had a match but then it was all resolved when we went to drink. He bitched about all the things I did to him and I listened. I was glad that we met again. Normally, people don't get second chances. Having him back in my life gave me a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Aw corny, you can all throw up now.

I'm not a really social person in case you haven't noticed. Big shocker, huh. I'm not someone who has many friends, I can't keep them. I tend to focus on fucking or work or music. So when he came back, when he reminded me what it was to have friends... it was so pathetic, I wanted to hurt myself. It made me feel that I'm a horribly inadequate human being and not to mention, unbelievably selfish, egotistical and self-centered. I don't want anyone that I'm close with have anyone but me.

Audience: :O

I'm horrid I know. I'm trying to open my mind, which it's hard for something that's been built with cement. I know that Thierry is happier now. He doesn't take himself too seriously. I feel bad becoming conceited as I am but I'm glad... I think. He's happy. He's free but he's grounded.

My twin sister came back. At first, I was shocked and pissed at her for coming back. She's one that likes to travel a lot, in those travels we lost touch. We've always been very close since we were born. We told each other everything and shared a connection most people would find impossible, but I guess everything's explained by the simply fact that we're twins. Whatever the case, it was a very rocky start. I exploded just by looking her, I was yelling and scolding her to boot. After A LOT of yelling and insults... we got around to getting to know each other again. It was nice. I realized that I also needed her desperately in my life. She used to be my little ray of sunshine. We've bonded, to say the least, in a small amount of time. She's the sweetest little thing and I truly hate the world more (is that possible?) for what it's done to her. Shit happens and it hurts, it hurts really bad. I'm just trying to be with her all the time because she needs me.

But I guess I'm just expressing my escapism. My own reality is just fucked up. I want to believe that I can be grounded by her. I love her so much but I'm lost too. But I want my lack of direction to not interfere with what I'm doing. I really want to help her... not because I have to. But because I just want to. I need to. It makes me feel better.

I'm frequently underestimated... that's good, right?

You see these shackles baby I'm your slave

2007-03-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in over a year. Wow. I guess after a while you just really loose touch or you just get bored of hearing yourself talk so much crap without means to an end. It gets particularly annoying when you're desperate to crawl out of your skin, like me. Maybe I am an angst monster and I like to feed off it. So sue me. I get overly emotional with people I really care about, so yeah, there I go. I've met my downfall.

I'm getting therapy. It seems more like torture but at least I have proven to myself that my father is not a complete failure as psychiatrist. He's pretty good at what he does. Hopefully he won't read this and fill himself with shitty pride.

So why am I getting therapy? A series of reasons. Mostly the inadequate way in which I handle my feelings. Feelings that were not supposed to be there, feelings that were apparently hiding underneath the surface. Vati (that's dad in german for those who want to learn something new) recommended that I write because it helps to clear my head.

...

So I'll cut the crap. I love Thierry (Rink) to pieces. I can't live without him and I can't function without him. However... I can't get over Nathan. I see him, I freak. Hmm. I wrote him a letter, sent it and I got a reply. A reply which pissed me off to no end and made me feel like a car ran over me and then backed up on me. I'd rather not share the reply to that letter, other than the fact that we're meeting up on a church. Weird, like Nathan. That fucker wants to mess with my head, I can feel it. Whatever. I don't want to see him anymore but I WILL.

ANOTHER thing that is really getting on my nerves is my boyfriend's best friend, Lawrence aka Laurie. Yes, you're reading correcty. Laurie like the little women character. Apparently his mom had a thing for that book and decided to play a trick on her son, ruining his life thereafter. I mean seriously. Technically speaking, Laurence (as it is properly written in Little Women) is the character's last name. Though, if the Laurie I know were named THEODORE or TEDDY, oh I solemnly swear I will never allow him to live in peace. Wow, so many lines and I'm barely in his name. Whatever the case, this guy is Thierry's best friend and has been after him ever since I met him. I hate him, with all due honesty. I want to hurt him. He's a manipulative little asshole that is slowly warming his way into my boyfriend's heart.

Here's the part where Vati would frown at me and send me straight to hell for not wanting my boyfriend to extend his ties and create more relationships. In my opinion, why should he get any if he has me? >/

p.s. FUCK NATHAN. >/ Fucking prick summoned the green monster on me.
p.s.s. I just bought a tequila bottle. I'm nervous, can you tell? Nothing a good Jose Cuervo can't fix.

Letter to Nathan

2007-03-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

Nathan:

I’m really bad at writing letters. Mostly because I don’t know what the hell to say but I want us to solve this. So I’m cutting the crap and going straight to the point.

I’m not over you asshole. I thought I was because of all the time that has passed but I’m clearly not. Seriously. I can’t be over you if I freeze the moment I see you or I want to go the other way or I just want to beat you to a pulp. Normally the latter is the one that resurfaces first. I have hurt you so damn much but I can’t stop myself from going to you, seeking you out. And I know that the more I keep in touch with you, the more I’ll want you near me and the more I will want to see you... subsequently the more I want to kiss you.

Though it doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving Rink. I still love him. A lot. I can’t live without that little French whore. Yet... I love you too. I thought if I didn’t pay attention to the fact that I have feelings for you, then maybe I could slip right into friends and be cool. I suck, I can’t.

I’m too fucking greedy.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hitting you, for insulting you and for pushing you away when you were trying to help me. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep you next to me. I’m sorry for all the shit I’ve made you go through. I’m sorry that I’m making you hate me in some way or another, or at least that’s what I think. I’m sorry for everything; it’s not enough... I know.

I want us to talk. I want to solve this. I don’t know how to, except to make you talk or hit me or get your anger out, one way or another. I want to know what you think about all of this. I hate it that I can’t be near you without making a mess of things.

And honestly, I don’t have any kind of excuses for you and for all that I’ve done. I’m still involved in the same process when it comes to coping. Why the hell should you care about that is beyond me. I suck. I really do. I just mope a lot. And want to hurt myself and I’m hoping you’ll come to help. I can’t ask you for that.

I want to help you. I really do. More than I want you to help me... well not completely, because I really miss you and I need you. Though I do want to help you.

I want to see you Nathan. Please. I need to see you. I’m ready to receive whatever it is you think I deserve.

-Michel

Inside my mind

2007-03-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

I can’t escape. I’ve been trying relentlessly to disconnect, to forget, to erase. Your sing song voice calling my name ever so sweetly, beckoning me to come.
“I want omelettes...” you plead, your eyelashes batting coquettishly.
I stare at you silently, wondering how do I ever plan to run away from you as I pick up a few eggs from their case. Even in moments like this, I can feel you prickling inside my skin. I sit in my car; I smell your lingering perfume. I can taste your lips in mine.
In that second, your phone rings, you pick up with unusual speed and answer coyly;
“Allo?”
Even you can’t resist yourself and your French allure. I give you my back as I stir the ingredients in the bowl. My thoughts are getting the best of me. I want to punish you. I want to hurt you.

Catalyst

2007-02-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

So you smile in that intoxicating way I know, asking me softly, your lips curling into a smile.
“Where have you been?”
When I want to ask the same but I’m afraid I’ll know the answer.
If you were with him; smiling in that intoxicating way that was only mine... then I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m not ready to just walk. I gave up forever for you, and that same way, I’ll give up my sight. When I’m not supposed to know, when I’m not even supposed to care... things flow easier. Since we never said we were supposed to be there. But I don’t mind being part of the mess that you’re making, because I can see beauty and perfection in every mistake that you think you’ve made. And yet... your hands are busy, holding each and every dream of those who love you with their eyes. How could you hold mine? I’m not offering them to you. They’re stashed in my pocket. Because now, at this moment, I can close my eyes... and I forget every smile, I forget every word, I forget every touch, I forget you...
But you won’t leave me. You’re there, in my mind, in my lips, in my clothes. My eyes are open. I can see you. Instead, my lips tighten and I look elsewhere.

Hiatus

2006-05-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break for a while. I need to sort out my head and emotions and general wtf. Be bad for me.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T02:49:00.000-08:00

Wow... long ass time since I last updated. First off, since we are smack dab in the middle: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hannukah... if I left something out, sorry. I'm too drunk to really remember right now.

Rink is fine. His birthday was great. And also a belated birthday salutation to: Giovanni, Ashley, Marie, Kyle and Lucille. There. Now you can stop harrassing me.

Rink got lots of presents from Santa this year even if he misbehaved like fuck. My father and myself seem to have made some kind of weird peace. We spent Christmas over at his appartment with the gang. Even Caterina was there. I know... shocker :O Got lots of presents this year, which again, I think Santa has a defective list. I was almost sure I was getting charcoal this year. Or even poop.

I'm tired. I need a sugar high or maybe I just need to leave this fucking computer alone and jump into bed with my boy. Hmm. That is tempting.

On a more random note

2005-08-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

Rink's birthday is Saturday. I don't know what to get him. Share my angst and help me find a good present. By the way, HIM's new single "Wings of a Buttefly" rocks my socks. Download it. You won't regret it. And the Goo Goo Dolls have a new single out in September. I'm doing the happy dance.

MIA for a while

2005-06-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

Hello itty bitty little public. Well... umm... man a lot of shit has happened. First for those of you who are STILL holding your breaths, Rink and I are still together. <3 It's been a tough process for the both of us but we're holding up. So yeah, that's good. I'm very very very tired right now. Been writing a song though I don't know if it can be deemed a song per se considering that it's not even finished and the musicalization is barely there. This is what I have so far:

We’ve been holding hands for so long
We’ve forgotten what it’s like
To be alone
People tell us that we’re lost
Even when we’ve never had a home
And I promise to never tell God
That the missing piece of sky
Has been hiding in your eyes

...

I'm going to work on it later when I do all my errands for the day with Rink. Rink's asleep. I better do the same. See you soon everyone.

Abouth Death

2005-04-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

I never knew death could be possible in so many ways. Death of the body, death of the mind, death of the heart. I never knew that we could be hurt by it at any given moment in the strangest form. I never knew I would feel so much regret, so much pain. I overheard people talking about pain. About how to let go of pain and all those emotions. How not talking about your feelings is the same as if you never wore a deoroant. Then the person started asking when was it that you felt the most pain.

Every little thing came back to me like a single drop in the ocean, ripple after ripple.

I've lost so many things in a few days. First my love, then my father. It's as if God is testing me while I test him. It's too much on one sitting sometimes. I don't know what to think anymore. I didn't loose them per se, they've changed. I can't recognize them and that scares me. I need to stop being such a pussy sometimes.

What is the color of innocence?

...

2005-04-01T01:33:00.000-08:00

We broke up.

We'll be half way to anywhere

2005-03-30T00:05:00.000-08:00

This one ain't pretty. I get all existential and depressed and crap. Skip.

Why is everything a trauma? why is everything supposed to be this complicated and traumatizing and difficult? The exact reason why I don't like interacting with people, the same reason why I hate human relationships most of the time. All you ever do is get hurt.

I saw Rink's survey, the one in my last post and I nearly cried. That's why I hate falling in love, that's why I hate love in general. Pain, anguish, angst, hurt, confusion, betrayal... it's all part of the package. You have to deal with it eventually I know but my head hurts too much. It hurts because I am hurting two people instead of helping them. My lover and my friend. It pains me. It hurts sitting down and looking at my friend talk and make jokes. You are not supposed to be complicated, you are not supposed to hurt me. I can't tell you this though. I don't want to put some kind of restraint over the friendship. It's just that... God... it was complicated enough with Rink. I have to hold on tight so I don't loose him. I don't know why we are like sand. He's like sand. The tighter I go, the easier he slips through my fingers.

Why is love and friendship such a difficult thing to juggle?

I want to be there for my friend but I want to be there for my lover. I don't want my lover to have anyone but me. At all. I don't want him to even look at anyone when he's around me. His undevoted attention, his smiles, his laughter, his tears, his secrets, his sorrows, his sadness, his happiness... everything. Mine. People just get in the way. They just hurt you. Why can't you be with me forever? why am I so selfish and want everything I can't have? it's worse when you have it and then you begin to loose it. But that's just paranoid.

I shouldn't be allowed to love. Let alone exist. I give people pain, I can never make anyone happy. I wanted to call him, I wanted to blame him for everything. You made me into what I am now. An empty candy wrapping. You said it yourself. I am pretty on the outside, I'm beautiful. Inside, I'm empty. That's why people are disappointed when they get an empty candy wrapping. They were expecting a sweet reward, instead, they get nothing. You said that was what I was. An empty shell. You said...

My throat is dry, my eyes are itchy. I should stop smoking. But I can't help it. I'm anxious. He's not here. Panic grips me. I'm all alone.

Fuck me. I hate me. Such a fucking insecure bitch, pretending to be better than everyone else. I feel sick. You probably think you are all that, such fine features, everyone wants a piece of you. Everyone wants to take advantage of you but alas, you put up quite a front and they leave you alone for a while. Weakling. They can see right through you.

God I'm so funny. I'm scared shitless of being alone now. Haha. Something even funnier. I can see them. Yes. I can see them talking, laughing... I can't say anything. I am not allowed to. I hurt him, I didn't show up on time, I got a call, I left... I kept him waiting. My head is still hurting, I can hardly breathe. I'm so pathetic. I'm loosing it over something so simple. I can't please everyone, I can't help everyone but I want to. I want to help Rink, I want to help Nathan. I want Laurie to rot in hell then I can go down and kill him ever so slowly. Yes. For each time he layed an eye or a hand on my Rink.

My head is bursting. He's still not home. He's not here yet.

Serves me right. I'm such a bastard. I'm such an ass. I'm so selfish. I'm such a fucking mess. You both confuse me.

Headache

2005-02-05T23:43:00.000-08:00

Holiday Update:
Merry Christmas! [Dec. 25] Happy New Year! [Dec 31 - Jan 1] Happy Birthday to Me! [Jan 19] Happy Birthday to Caterina! [Jan 20]

Done.

Little Survey done by Rink that I found and made me incredibly happy.

I am: Rink
I miss: Paris
I want: Snow but I already have it
I have: Snow
I hate: when I don’t know something
I fear: the ones I love against me
I play: everyday
I hear: Well I wanna hear Michel’s violin
I care: a lot
I smile: as much as I want to
I wonder: about the life of a butterfly
I love: YOU
I think: about YOU
I always: want us to be together
I am not: patient either
I dance: when I’m not noticing
I sing: I’m shy about it
I cry: when I want something
I talk about: every single thing
I spilled: the milk this morning
I wish: we were Immortal
I keep: fish
I can: be childish
I can't: share
I write: babble
I lose: patience
I smell: something cold but sweet
I confuse: myself
I need: to cuddle
I should: be working

FIRSTS!
First real memory of something: hands
First screen name: Always "Rink"
First self purchased album: "Nevermind" Nirvana
First funeral: Grandfather
First pets: Digital Fish
First piercing/tattoo: I do in fact have a very small secret tattoo somewhere…
First enemy: The people who choose me as their enemy first
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Edith Piaf

LASTS
Last big car ride: Boston, Mass to Detroit, Mich (oh...) and I was blindfolded
Last beverage drank: Ah! I'm thirsty!
Last food consumed: crackers and cheese
Last phone call: Vero
Last time showered: about 10 minutes ago
Last shoes worn: socks, cause I’m sick :(
Last annoyance: having no snow, but that was quickly fixed :)
Last website visited: www.deadjournal.com/users/michelangelo
Last kiss: two seconds ago
Last beach trip: this weekend

THIS OR THAT!
[skimpy or grannies?] I don't like panties
[scream or scream2 or scream3?] scream
[preppy or punk?] a mixture of both
[salt or pepper?] salt
[okay, ok, or o.k.?] oki doki
[bright colors or dark colors?] just white
[tic-tacs or certs?] are you implying anything cause I brush my teeth
[rain or snow?] snow
[sun or moon?] moon
[silver or gold?] silver
[silk, cotton, or flannel sheets?] cotton
[preps or freaks?] eh?
[popcorn-with or w/out butter?] with
[ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish?] mayo
[shampoo+conditioner in one or separate?] separate

IF YOU WERE ___ WHAT WOULD YOU BE?!
[an animal] something white
[a fruit] ice cream?
[a vegetable] cabbage
[color] white
[a bug] butterfly

SHORT ANSWER!
[are you smart?] yes
[do you like onions?] no
[what instruments can you play?] synths
[what words do you overuse?] I just pout
[do you like to finger-paint?] I’d love to!
[do you sleep with socks on?] sometimes
[are you ticklish?] yes I am
[are you shy?] sometimes
[do you talk to yourself?] pfff all the time
[is your house 1, 2, or 3 stories] Penthouse PENTHOUSE
[do you have a basement or an attic?] I don’t like to think of them as either
[did you go to preschool?] yes
[are you a morning person?] yes, as in I look good in the morning :)

My head hurts real bad. It must be because I've been imprisoned in a thought bubble for too long. Oi. There are a lot of things going on. A lot of things that I don't like are going on which isn't strange right? I'm too antisocial for my own good.

Christmas is only a few days away...

2004-12-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

And it appears that I have died and went to Hell. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm having a bad day.

Screw it. Maybe I am.

I'm staying at Nathan's house for Christmas with Rink. Allow me to explain how this is possible and how I'm not in Vienna, how it should be. Rink is related to Nathan [did I explain this before? I don't remember] because he is Nathan's dad's brother. Meaning, yes, Nathan's uncle. Didn't see that coming now did you? so since I'm here, might as well stay here for Christmas. Marie [Nathan's mom] cooks deliciously and she has this big dinner prepared for us all. And guess what? my once knight-in-shining-armor Giovanni and my sister, Katzereine are here with us as well. Though I'm thinking they'll leave tomorrow since Giovanni is part of the Milazzo's and the Milazzo's have big family parties. Those must be fun.

Either way- I'm feeling like crap. Ok. No, not like crap exactly. Like, I dunno. Strange. I made Rink feel bad and I didn't want to. I made him feel unwanted.

Stop throwing me tomatoes you assholes. Ok a few, I deserve it.

And since this is my journal and I can do whatever I want in it, I'll bother to explain a few things. First and foremost, I love Rink. I do. He's the only one that I've ever felt so close to, that I could talk about almost anything out of the top of my head, that could bare me with all my flaws popping out of me, etc. You know the drill. I mean these things. He's the only one I could go out and do all kinds of things. He's so childish that he makes you feel like a centenary mummy. We have our bad moments but we work hard to fix it.

With Nathan in my life now, I found a new best friend, considering that Benjamin no longer talks to me ever since I told him that I couldn't see him as anymore than a friend and that I would appreciate it if he stopped bothering Rink. I miss him every now and then but nothing completely heartbreaking. I'm too possessive and overprotective of Rink. I'm willing to give up everything for his sake. Yes. It IS obsessive but trust me, you would too if you were in my position. Which brings us to another interesting part of this all.

Rink hardly has any friends and it makes me happy -in a very sick way- that he doesn't. This means that he can focus all his energy on me, on being with me, etc which makes me happy. But then my concious -still surprised it works- nags me about that. It's not healthy to focus on only ONE person in your ENTIRE life you know. He needs to socialize, meet new people, maybe that can make him happy. And yet I don't want that! I'm so frickin' insecure that I think he'll jump on a plane with a hot guy who is his 'best friend' and then he'll go away to some exotic destination because that guy is probably less dysfunctional than me. Actually- most of the world population is less dysfunctional than me. Wait, I'm giving them too much credit.

So what can I do? I'm concerned that some dude would want to be his friend as to take advantage of him. And I can't follow him EVERYWHERE because he'll get mad and one hell of a big tirade will ensue. And then I'll get all emotional and crap, so no. I mean sure I want whats best for him [sounds like a kid] but I don't want to do something I'll regret. Then again, it seems like I don't trust Rink which isn't the case. I just know that he's really a good guy deep down and would never doubt of someone who seems genuinely interested in friendship. So I want to take all of those assholes who want to hurt him and burn them in a big cauldron before I send straight to hell. Or I could just send them to Sperm Donor so he could tamper into their heads so bad that they'll be turned into shit in no time. Hmm. Re-thinking that I don't want to give that man the benefit of a profit :P

Though considering all the shit we've gone through, that's a petty melodramatic concern of mine. There are people that are going through worst cases right now. For example: Nathan likes Katzereine but Katzereine and Giovanni have something going on. So Giovanni [holy hell that was one hell of a big firework that scared the beejesus out of me! <-- Mr. McVegas influence] is all mafia-ish and crap. Nathan is crush-struck, Katzereine probably doesn't have a clue but I know she likes Giovanni and Giovanni likes Katzereine too. That's bound to be entertaining considering they are all under the same roof. Nathan stole a kiss from Giovanni too. Who would have thought? I loathe him. Anyways... there is also something going on with Nicholas. He's glaring at Nathan much more than usual, and he spends the day locked in his room or he goes off to wander around the property and returns really late almost blue from the cold. He also has a "I've-been-thinking-too-much" face and I'm really DYING to know what it is. Mind you, in case you couldn't guess, I'm not the type to just walk up to people and ask what's wrong. Besides, I feel that if I do, he'll bite my hand off. He's THAT bitchy.

Right now he's infront of me. He's sitting in front of the fireplace listening to something in his headphones while he stares blankly at the fire. God- he looks like a sick puppy dog. Pffft. It's a bit amusing. He does remind me of Rink a bit.

Suddenly all the subjects I had in my head left me in a blink of an eye other than yeah, I need to be a better boyfriend and I have to wrap Rink's Christmas present up.

Yesterday was "da bomb" -- pardon the lingo, hangover can do things to you

2004-11-07T14:30:00.000-08:00

We had fun last night. Yay.

Last night Nathan had this "sleepover party" in his room. To get in, you had to climb this vine up to his room window then pass Nicholas, the impromptu security guard who had one hand cuffed to the window so he wouldn't get away. He was so cute. The place was greatly ambienced. It was awesome. The music was great, people were dancing and drinking. Some had taken corners to make out and do other stuff too. I was pleasantly surprised though kinda "bleh" since I didn't have my cute little hot tushie sweetheart [Rink] to parade around. ;) But since I was in party mode, I was all into dancing. Hot guys, hot girls, gimme all! I was naughty, I know.

At some point I bump into Nathan, who, if I do say so myself, was looking fine. He's wearing this sexay clothing that made me grin at him. Me? I was wearing a black semi see-through shirt. We have some drinks, though I'm not really into drinking at that moment. Two 'last shots' later, we are playing body shots. He chose the neck while I chose the navel. I was very oozy by then. After that, we wanted to play spin the bottle. BUT to be honest I was more into individual kissing. Ok, more specific? I just wanted to make out with him. Hello- if you knew him, you would want to as well. Trust me, we did. It was... DAMN HOT~! We cleaned each other's palatte. Laughing in the middle of it was funny. Oh, FYI: he has a VERY firm butt. And nice rippling pectorals. I have a hot friend. Whoo. Oh and his new nick is Nathan Satan. He's the DEVIL. Convincing you to do what you don't want to do then you get all happy doing it.

Once we were done I called Rink. I was missing him tremendously. I mean... I wanted my soft, slim, delicious, spunky and flirty [not to mention beautiful] boy! so I called him so he could pick me up. He was half-asleep. When he came through the window [Flirt Mode: ACTIVATED] I grabbed him by the waist, pulled him to me [crushing him against my chest] and told him I missed him. Everything felt so floaty. I kissed him and we went into the "dance floor". He was surprised at first, I could see that he was blushing a bit. I kissed his cheek. I love his cheeks. He grabbed a shot and drained it. Hard-on, coming right up! It was another 'last shot'. We laughed and made out while we danced to our favorite song "I do Jay and Jane". :D~

Next time I glanced around, Nathan was getting head from Billie, this really cute girl from Nicholas' class and Nicholas was getting abused by Brooke, Billie's best friend. It was funny. Nathan was completely into Billie. He wanted to do her so badly. Horny bastard. Brooke, in my opinion, has the hots for Nathan, but can't have him for some reason, so she's using good ol' Nichi for something. Then Nathan and Billie disappeared into the bathroom. Tan tan taaan. Brooke got hysterical and left Nicholas alone, who was still trying to set his hand free. I'm totally into boy trying to free himself from bondage, especially because he was so flushed. He reminds me of Rink when he was 16. And you know what's even better than pretty boy freeing himself from bondage? ANOTHER pretty boy helping him and then trying to have his way with pretty boy #1! OMG- HOT. Rink can get so frisky when he's drunk. Then I came along and he wrapped his arms around me, telling me I was his pretty boy. Insert swoon and even more making out. Yeah. We were completely into each other to the point that being corny and possessive was cute to us.

The rest of the night is fuzzy. Next thing I remember was Nathan telling people to leave. We stayed over since we were too drunk to drive. I was completely sensible to Rink's touch. If you saw us, you would've had an orgasm right there and now. Long live us the in-love pretty boys!

I'll go back to my bed now... zzzz.

Elections shudder

2004-11-03T15:13:00.000-08:00

I didn't vote. Taa~ now you will all flood and kill me because I didn't want to make the world a better place. NEWSFLASH. I'm from Austria, not even a US Citizen so there. You are stuck with this... this... *ponders* I have no words that could appropiately define Mr. Bush. Though I'm sure every Democrat has more than enough. Blech. Fuck politics. As a very pretty boy once said "Let it rot, it's dead anyways". Though I won't deny my sick pleasure of seeing people fight over this.

Oh that reminds me! I met new people. Yay. Round of applause for Mr. Antisocial and his very scarce people skills. Yes, my sarcasm is back. Along with me writing here, in this boring and very random journal. I wonder if there are any kind of human [or alien, I don't discriminate] that actually reads this. Oh well, I don't care. It's fun having an unknown audience. *evul* Expect naked pictures soon. ;) ....j/k.

Back to the original subject. I wasn't able to meet with my whole band for a while. We have this new guitarist, his name is Nathan. He's "teh sex" as I've heard [and proved]. He's pretty hot. And he has a personality. He's pretty cool to hang out with. He's experimental which equals fun. But I have to behave, unless I want to be beheaded by Rink. I must say that he must be the first hot guy I get to hang out with WITHOUT us being involved sexually. He has a little brother, Nicholas, which if I do allow myself to say, is Rink's lost twin. Though of course, Rink is hotter and sexier and cuter. But Nicholas is just so... I don't have a word for it. He's slim [he has more body fat than Rink though], black shiny hair and has grey eyes. I find them to be fascinating [his eyes]. But he's one hell of a catty bitch mixed with neurotic bitch. From his perpetual silence I can guess he gets bullied at school. He looks the type. Hell I would bully him just for fun, he looks so absorbed and quiet. He loves to dress in black and has this really discreet yet attention-getting silver cross around his neck. I've only seen it once and he didn't like because he hid it right away, a red blush creeped on his cheeks. And whenever he talks, it's like, flowing with sarcasm. Not to mention, the dude has such a sexual energy that the first time I saw him and he looked back I felt the hair in my nape stand on end. Or was it that I was intimidated by that little cute worm?

Nathan "teh sex" is just yummy. He has auburn hair and green eyes. Yes, I'm really detail-oriented. I literally stare at people to that point. And he has one hell of a body. Six-pack and everything. *le sigh* Great fashion sense. Has these piercings that would make anyone swoon. It's like... wow. SEX. Heh. I really like how he looks. But I won't go into anymore details because there is only so much sexualness [new word?] I can have for a person I think as a friend. And that I won't fuck then get rid of later. And yet his little brother is a whole different story. Heh. Back to "teh sex". We share like the same things: music, drinks, smoking, fucking, flirting, having a good time. We have a laid-back attitude when we are together, no strings attached, no hidden fees or anything. It feels strange, I must admit. Having someone else around so much other than Rink and Pookie. I still have some trauma leftover from Caterina and Benjamin but I don't let that get in my way. I'm just more careful now.

I'm going out now.

Level of Hell

2004-10-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Moderate
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

Down with infatuations

2004-10-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

We finally reached a compromise. After extensive therapy (both physical and emotional) Rink decided to stay. It took longer than expected since I had to use my coaxing abilities. Be afraid :P There must be something downright wrong about me trying to convince someone to trust me. Heh.

So what happened after the "Singing in the Rain" momentum?

We went inside the loft and took a bath. Not together pervs. We needed dry clothes or we [more Rink than I] would have died of a neumonia. Once we were all dry and groomed, it was time for me to start conversating with him. Yes, the apocalypse is near. It was... awkward but I didn't let it show. I'm not used to this in least. It's almost against my nature! but then I remind myself I'm going to be psychologist. But we won't get into that one. As I was saying... I told him why I did what I did. Ick. I hate explaining myself. And all of this was happening while I cradled him in my arms. He shook like a maraca in a Cuban number. They were violent tremors, like seizures or something. He's not used to positive touch of any kind and I'm thinking that likewise with genuine positive words. It's the anti-thesis of a normal person. This was the moment in which I noticed that this was the beginning of a very long and painful process. Detachment is not an option in this case even if I've been considering it over and over again since last night.

I must be stupid. Look at my side of the compromise. I agreed to give him part in everything I have [my sexual talents included] in exchange for us to make out, have sex and fool around. I want all that he can offer me. Roommates with privilages. He did warn me that he is the demanding type. He doesn't even have to pay rent. All he needs to do is BREATHE, LIVE, SHIT, EAT, SLEEP, ETC and he's all well. I even offered my services as a bodyguard. In comes: WTF?! what was I thinking?! was I even thinking?! is he pulling some weird witchcraft on me? O_O He did say something about leeching but I wasn't listening all that well. I just wanted him to stay, no matter what. That can be a somewhat reasonable explanation of why someone in their right mind would agree to all of this for a MEASLY pay. Even *I* find it fishy. Damn. Oh well. I have to keep this promise.

Just remembering last night makes want to make myself bleed. The frustration most of all. I was so out of it. A lifeless piece of meat for a while. And that my friends had a purpose. So I wouldn't find myself wanting to jump on him and doing him some more. We've had enough of me jumping on him for a good while. *frustration* Hell, the world should hand me an award for more resistance. The guy actually asked me to apply cream on his naked back. What is he? STUPID?! dude, you forget real quickly or you forgive real quickly or you're just stoned. I have no idea how I could keep 'junior' down but I just did. I nonchalantly applied it and nonchalantly left the room. Then I sat down on the stairway to think because that was an activity that I hadn't practiced in the whole episode. I let everything sink in. How I abilitated the habitat for my new pet. At some point I know I felt scared. I felt I wanted to run away from this. And you know, it would have been more reasonable to think of kicking him out of my life. But noooo, Michi likes Rinki. Michi wants to keep Rinki. Damn hormones.

Actually I like hormones. I can pin it all on them.

Man, the angst that overcame me when I kissed him. Jesus. He almost died. [Did you notice how Rink is almost dying in this whole entry? he's a species in extinction almost]. He pulled away and blinked. I kissed him again and he nearly pleaded when he asked if the privilages started right now. He meant sexual privilages. I just told him I was kissing him good-night. Bullshit Rink. I wanted to get in your pants! :o Actually no. I didn't want to at the moment. I just ached for touch, not to mention my hard-on was driving me insane.

As I sat on the stairway I wanted to go clubbing. I wanted new people, distractions... anything. I couldn't bring myself to leave him though. So I just sat there and thought about sandcastles. And how sandcastles are sad for me. They symbolize sad things. So poo. I'm not in the mood for depression right now. But, I was in the mood for some masturbating [how sad ;-;]. I didn't need that mentally though. I was in some other dimension. One were this crap of human relations wouldn't be so complicated. One in which pain and suffering would be part of dreams. I laughed of course. I enjoy pain. Reminds me that I'm alive and yet I don't want them to suffer. I don't want Rink to suffer, I don't want Caterina to suffer...

And while I masturbated, or once I was done with the self-service, I thought about how I've changed. What have I become and for who. We are not in this earth for anyone other than ourselves, right? so why do we care? so others care about us in exchange? How vain.

I don't want you to spread your wings, if that means that you'll be leaving me. But I'm over that now.

ARGH! what else is there for me to say?! what else do you want to know other than I'm trying not to get too involved so I don't regret it later and yet I'm doing the exact opposite. Oh, I'll so laugh at myself when shit happens. You'll see. I'll laugh at my stupidity >_>

For the record: my other favorite person to blame for my misfortunes... RINK.

A word for the running water in the field of snow

2004-10-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

So tired. Want sleep. Zzz. Hehe. And yes, you guessed it. I'm not in the mood to entertain you all with my words. People, get a hobby. And I don't count. Or maybe I do, who makes the rules around here anyway? :P My journal, my rules. I can contradict myself if I want to. Hmm... coke would be nice.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's start the Questions and Answers part of the day. This is concerning my last entry, in you didn't know and didn't check on my journal a billion times a day to see if I wrote something new. My life is so interesting. I should do a movie.

Q&A: by a very sleepy Michel

1. WTF?

I say the same. This one of those relationship crisis. Only this one is semi-moderated, right now that is.

2. What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?

An iris, some color... ok seriously. I saw a lot of things, things I hadn't seen before. Let me explain something fyi. Rink is a very specific type of person. He's the one that you see and think DAMN, he's so cute! I want to rape him! or OMG! what a snotty, selfish, spoiled brat!. Whichever you choose, you're accurate. He's all that, plus more. You just don't see don't you. He just keeps it WELL hidden <--notice the WELL. I'm not entirely sure of his reasons but I could ballpark it. Let's say, he wants to protect himself from getting hurt. He doesn't want people to know his real persona, etc etc. But if you take your time to look at him, seriously and not with him infront of you because you're bound to get distracted. Use a picture or something. Once you do, you'll notice what I'm saying. He has this deep, lost look in his eyes. A lost boy. He doesn't know where he's going, he's just going wherever the wind takes him. [He has a Pocahontas complex I know].

There is also something else. It's... as if the world has gone through him so many times. He's seen so much, felt so much that he's not able to show it. He's far more complex than he leads on. Trust me. You just can't imagine that, a guy that lets his mind wander about what kind of colors would he have if he were a butterfly, would have gone through life as it's guinea pig. It's something. It's pain, it's hurt, it's distrust, it's solitude, it's abandonment, it's neglect... he's the spoiled brat he is now because of circumstances. As I am an bastard because of... well no, that's nature really. Ahem. Back to Rink. What kind of circumstances? I'm unsure. I would ask him but... he's not very crazy about me right now. And maybe it's not my place to ask just yet. We have a lot of stuff to address in general. His eyes say a lot of things: "Love me", "Hate me", "Don't hurt me", "Get away from me", "Protect me", "Hehehe".

I can make a whole book just about trying to define Rink or try to get to understand him. Rink needs a certain type of person to be with him. I tend to ask myself if I am that person. Someone that is very similar to him or else that person would commit suicide in a few days... or kill him. Whichever suits the person better to get rid of the "pest". But in comes the catch, Rink isn't a pest really. He's just a child, in many many ways. I mean it seriously. He thinks of people as toys and wants to play with them. When he gets tired, he just leaves them there and moves on. Horrible huh? but there's a reason. There's always a reason. And trust me, I'm not trying to defend him, much less justify him. He just wants someone, no matter how much he denies it. He needs someone and not because he's needy, but because otherwise he would go insane. I would dare say he didn't have a proper childhood. Nowadays hardly no one does but I'm guessing his was a special case. He needs someone that allows him to have a childhood now and remind him that he's still a grown-up in some cases. Devotion is a must.

Considering how naturally curious I am, I was considering a few things. Just how deep and rooted are his feelings? is it because he keeps them to himself that he has so many mood swings? or is just clinically insane? am I willing to sacrifice my being for him? to get to know him, to allow him to self-destruct so then I could re-program him? If so, I have to do so many things. I'm dysfunctional as it is. Imagine me helping someone as dysfunctional as myself, or even more. No one really knows. We just see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to him. I can't deny it. There are times I just want to focus on myself. But then he comes in and changes that. My instincts can be tricky.

Conclusion: I saw more in Rink than your average Ken doll.

3. Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.

Yes. A big fight and let's say... my patience died. Horribly. x-x

4. What else happened after what you said?

That's another post. I need to focus on explaining everything now, so stop being such an animal and stop asking these questions.

5. Why is Rink so silent?

Many reasons. He's thinking a lot. He's not very fond of my persona and he's scared of me and what I might do. He's keeping loads of feelings to himself concerning me and how he'd like to roast me alive. I know that just by seeing him. He's freaked out.

6. What will you talk about? and how? when?

We need to talk about a lot of things. Enough said.

NEW QUESTIONS!. Because you love me and you're addicted to me.

7. Why did you what you did? [which you haven't specified by the way! :@]

Let's get a few things straight [or gay, whichever is your cup of tea]. I am a whore, a very possessive whore. I like to flirt, I like to kiss, I like to fuck and I like to dance. What I don't like is when someone that I'm with in a relationship [once in a blue moon] changes their mind, sets some rules without me knowning crap and expects you to follow them as if it was a blind faith. Don't fuck around when you're with me. Don't. I'm going to find out, I'm going to get pissed off and I'm going to take measures. Don't think you can use me for silly entertainment, be sure that I'll give you more than you can chew. Don't flirt in my face so blatantly. Don't you dare treat others far better than you treat me. Don't you dare diminish my persona because that's the only way you can control me. You CAN'T control me. Period.

8. Dude, why do you care so much?

I have my reasons. Why shouldn't I? Which part of everything that I mentioned beforehand didn't answer this question? Let me put it out clear for you simple-minded folks that love to ask for the sake of asking. Rink is someone that needs to be protected, it emanates from him. Me, I'm someone that's used to protect others. You do the math. Plus, I love to meet fascinating people that break the schemes of how a normal person should behave like. Man, I'm getting all whiny and annoying and my eyes are itching. I can't help but care. Would you leave an abandoned puppy out in the cold rain? seeing how it bites others as they approach to save him and they give up? would you move along when you're sure you heard it cry out in desperation? and once you get near, the puppy bites you but you keep insisting because you know that even if it hurts now, you can put some ointment on it and the puppy will survive. It's not your fault that the puppy has been hurt, you can make a difference in it's life. Speaking of puppies, Pookie is fine.

9. What will you gain if you help him? It's not as if he asked you to do so.

I'm not sure. Him maybe?

10. You just want to get laid don't you?

No. I can get that pretty easily.

11. Is Rink still shallow to you?

It's easier to think that he is shallow. That way you don't have to get into the really complicated part that is knowing a person. The image Rink portrays is that of a shallow person that only cares about looking good, flirting, making out, getting laid, eating good food and having everything he wants when he wants it. You're average person. I've always known that he's not shallow. They tend to say the ones that smile the most are the ones that have suffered the most, to the point that they find no use in showing it. Considering how childish Rink is, I can only imagine what he's gone through.

OVERALL CONCLUSION!.

I'm sick of this now. I'm going to plunge into my memories and recover a little something, probably the only thing that my mother ever said that made sense. "What will make you want to love someone, Michel? that you can save them or that they can save you?". Deep? ... And I'll leave it here for now because my stomach is on strike.

Jeez, what does Blogger have that makes me want to write in it so much? O_o

People can be funny in the morning

2004-10-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

I went jogging this morning to clear my head. So many people are out. I can't help stare. Fat ones, skinny ones, all kinds of people. Burglars too. Though I didn't see those distinctively mind you. Every sunrise is different, because I'm never the same. With music blasting through my headphones I had some real quiet time, if you conveniently ignore my mobile. I don't care who called, not at the moment. I was lost in thought. Questions filled my head and my very existence was being tested by the universe.

I hate these days. We all want to live without regrets but they just come back to bite you in the ass. I've been avoiding them for a while. I never feel guilty [recent events might vary this piece of information]. Today I waited for them to come and hit me but none showed up. No regrets for what I did. Nothing. It's not my place to feel hurt anymore, much less betrayed as I had originally had. Sure, I didn't want to hurt him but I had no choice. There is something else that I should be focusing my energy in. Besides, I hate to wallow. I hate melodrama in general. I thought about how there's so much to be said. Slowly I look towards the horizon, walking slowly, letting the sun sting my eyes.

Why haven't you left? Why are you still here? How do you feel? what do you feel? you seem so resigned, so willing to accept your punishment. You're not dumb. You know what you did. All the shit that you pulled off. I pulled some shit too. We are the vivid example of Newton's law: cause [you] and consequence [me]. We complement each other. We're both self-destructive. We need someone to fall down with. I miss your voice. It's one of those times you have to take action [I'm referring to myself, dumbasses].

I see lightning across the sky, I can't hear the noise outside my mind. I slip my hand inside my pocket and take out my wallet. I see his picture, stare at his eyes. Suddenly, fear grips me. I see something that I've never seen before. How did this happen? when did it happen?

Small drops of water fall on the picture. I blink and look up. So much for my pretty morning. In a matter of seconds a downpour starts so I put my wallet back in my pocket. I don't move. I'm thinking... thinking about you... thinking about things... thinking about how annoying it is to think... I allow myself to say your name.

"Rink..."

Good grief. Pathetic moment starts now. Is this all my fault? what I have I failed to see? to notice? just how much am I willing to risk for you? what am I giving up? I can allow myself a mistake or two once, along with retorical questions. But I'm not softened. I'm not programmed to act a certain way to avoid getting hurt. DAMN HIM. He should have a sign that says "Tread carefully, risk of falling" >__<. Ahem, back to me and my narration moment. It wasn't until I snapped out of it that I noticed I was getting soaked. People running suddenly, seeking shelter. I start my walk back to the apartment. When I'm getting closer I close my eyes and sing loudly...

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain...

I carry out the tune, my eyes opening and focusing on the figure before me. His hand are stuffed in his pockets, his eyes bright and lost, his hair underneath a hood... he seems surprised. It was a movie-like moment. Everything slowly ceased to exist, we were the only living and breathing beings. I looked at him in the eyes, he looked away. There it was again. I moved closer to him, looking at him, looking down and I cupped his face. I sang to him softly

Look for the boy with the broken smile
Ask him if he wants to stay a while...

I kissed him. I kissed him like the song told me too. I embraced him. Fighting has one more good thing, how it feels to touch again. It always feels like the first time. He was frozen, unsure of what to do. We were going to suffer the consequences of the rain later, I just know it.

"We need to talk" I told him. He didn't say anything. It rained, believe it or not, harder after that.

[...]

What were my brilliant conclusions after this?
-Rains make normal situations seem more... magical
-Jogging doesn't clear your head, it fogs it. Too much to think.
-I probably should have opted for dialogue in the first place

What are the questions you probably have after this:
-WTF?
-What did you see in his eyes? WHAT DID YOU SEE?!?
-Did you guys fight? It was you wasn't it.
-What else happened after what you said?
-Why is Rink so silent?
-What will you talk about? and how? when?
-Hey, where's Pookie?

Only one is answered.

Shiny...

2004-10-06T22:53:00.000-07:00

How do I summarize what's been going on? are there any words? Hmm. Interesting is one of them. Unique. Peculiar. Self-absorbed. Damn, I'm really into this whole word association. Ok, veering off the point again.

One of my circuits seems to have exploded. I felt I hit beyond rock-bottom with my patience and with my very core. I just cracked. This small sugar-coated world I believed to be part of shattered. All because of selfish pain, all because I wanted it to be that way.

I don't regret it that you're in pain. I don't regret it that you're going insane, I don't care if you are alone and isolated. I look at your misery and I enjoy it. Every bit of blood you've shed, I've drank from it. I tasted it, smiling sickly at your twisted face. You're in pain now. You're afraid. You're unsure.

GOOD. HAHAHA. How does it taste? do you like it? heh. I won't reach out for dramatic statements. I burned you with your own fire, the fire you used to burn me to crisp. I came back. The resentment flowing through my veins. Selfish prick. You cared only of yourself and yet you are dependant of others. How many have you fooled into their own insanity? I've been reaching out for you, I fell under your spell... but you got the wrong toy to play with. Don't undermine me to make yourself feel better. Boundaries are set.

I've watched you suffer, I've watched you fight and I've watched you hide. My reflexes have changed. I've sunken deeper into this dormant state of mine. I smile sickly as you squirm. I shouldn't be this happy or this pleased with myself. These weren't my original intentions. I don't care now. You're under my command, to please my every whim. I can have you every night, every day, every second... and at times I wonder what to do with you.

Are you confused? unsure? afraid? tramautized? welcome. Swim in your very river. How many a times I've wished to shake you even more and scream at you all you've caused, which you are not even concious of. This was just a game to you, until I took over. Now it's business. It's my game now. I play by my rules. People are just dolls to you? but I'm being unreasonable, my little play-thing. What made me chase after you? I wonder. If it was just your tight ass, might as well kill you now before you do a mess. But I still keep you.

I marvel at your body, my open canvas. Pain can be excruciatingly beautiful. I haven't felt this way before, so consumed, so obsessed, so powerful... there are times when it all breaks. I stare at you, so defenseless, so hurt and vulnerable. Your strings, the ones you used to pierce my heart so you could toy with it endlessly, tensed and felt something should be done. I held you. I felt you shake. Oxymorons. Dilema. Pain and torture, comfort and safety... I comforted you. This skin I'm wearing felt so awkward holding you, trying to make you feel better. It insisted. I must break you. I must make you suffer. I must make you taste this. Drink from this well.

Yes. We suffer. Yes. It's painful. Yes. Blood trails down our lips. Yes. Be afraid, I love hurting you. Yes. You're my drug. Yes. You make me remember. Yes. I'll make you forget.

After all this, what do I want from you? what?! I'm not sure. I want to make you fall so bad, that you won't be able to stand up. You'll love it and you'll hate it. You won't know what hit you. You can't run away anymore. The change is eminent. What more will you hide? everyone thinks they know you, everyone thinks they know what you really want. You hide it all. That's why no one sees it coming when you leave.

Newsflash pretty boy. You can't leave me.

I wanted to make an experiment with you but I chose you for the wrong experiment. Now I don't know... I wanted to try and tap into my humanity. My sadistic tendencies became overwhelming, I didn't want to believe it was all I ever had. But you're a puzzle. I misjudged you. Now, I'm back. Full gear. No more playing, no more giving in.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Man. I'm a real psycho. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm too busy staring at you. Don't guide me. Let us stay here. No one can see us, no one can find us. Let it all rot, it's dead anyway.

[...]

Now THAT was refreshing. ;)

No more

2004-10-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have a another boyfriend now.

Isn't he adorable? He's my Chinese crested puppy. I was going to name him Poopie but my classmates say it's too cruel so instead it's Pookie, the Spooky dog. Hehe. I love him. I just bought him today. He's in my backpack right now, whining and annoying the teachers. He better stop chewing on my iPod or he'll stop being cute. Wonder what Rink will think of him.

Drinking got me thinking (ppfft) about changing my major. It's not that psychology isn't doing much for me but I'm more into music. In the meantime, I'm taking some courses at Berklee over the internet. Refreshing some stuff, you know.

I've been planning something since last night, while I rolled in my bed pondering. Let's just call it a back-up plan, a desperate measures kind of thing. Considering the fact that I don't know who reads this (if any) I won't say anything about it until I'm actually driven to do something like that. Curiosity is probably chewing on you, huh? No hints, so stop asking.

Interesting morning for me. From 8 am to 9 am I had soccer practice (hehehehe XD). Love that song >:) ahem. Considering I'm in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP [I can be a spiteful bitch], I honed in on the team captain. One word: YUM. They are like fish, they're even tastier when you grab them fresh in the morning. He's no exception. Great at 'flexing' too, wonderfully shaped bubble butt. After we finished and while in the shower, I had this great need to 'bond' with the team. The gazes I've given to other members as they showered turned out to be dangerous. Don't you just love it when the juniors stand up and salute? *evil laugh* I spanked a bunch of tushies with a wet towel. Gasps and laughs. Made me delirious for sex. In comes team captain to reward the good player.

After last night's entry I called Nemo so we could go clubbing. The conversation that ensued was amusing:
"Nemo, come and pick me up over at my place"
"Huh? oh, clubbing? YOU? won't the boyfriend mind?" he snickers. I can barely hear him over the loud music in his car.
"He suggested it. So come."
I heard the wheels screech.
"What? what do you mean? oh shit, dude! don't tell me two got into a fight! maaan... this is such a gay soap opera kind of crap. I bet you just wanna get drunk to forget all your issues and then I have to take you back over to the apartment and when we're there you'll beg me to stay and I'll say--"
"Bye Nemo" I was about to hang up and call 9mm.
"Wait! DUDE. Didn't you know patience is a virtue?"
"..."
"Fine. I'll go! I'm there! I'm here! just... gimme 5"

The other conversations we had were irrelevant. Solaris is remodeling and it's awesome. They have this new section in last floor called "The Rainbow Room". It's made just for us fabulous fags. It's a circular room, one half is the bar, where they serve free jelly shots [all colors!] and other drinks [those they do charge, boo.]. The other half the sitting area, then in the center it's the dance floor. The roof is made out of glass so you can gaze into the sky, if you can do that and not pass out by the time you notice that detail. The room's not finished yet though, they want to make these four backrooms for romping. The hallways to get to those rooms will resemble Holland's Red District. My favorite place to sin. Damn, it was fun. The dancing, the grinding, the unknown mouths I kissed as they tempted me with delicious drinks, the rush, the adrenaline, and the bodies I friction with, the smell of hot, sweaty men, the euphoria... just thinking about it makes me hornier. I tried calling Rink twice but that didn't work. He'd love that place. Great music too. Hmm... I'm forgetting something. RIGHT. I had a threesome. *GROAN* Twins, oh my GOD. Oh the sinning! I'm so driving that minibus to hell. Heh. They were gorgeous. *swoon* I mean, such firm bodies, dark eyes, soft hair and eager to please. Who could resist them?! How they fought for my attention. And... Captain has just stood up erect and salutes. Damn it, now I can't move.

So yeah, yesterday wasn't so bad after all. Could have been worse. I'm at college right now, in the middle of class. Wireless internet can be such a savior. It's raining hard. I think it's going to turn into snow any moment now. Fudge, this class is so boring I might just start singing the alphabet out loud. Did I ever mention how peculiar I am?

I write long entries

2004-10-03T23:30:00.000-07:00

Jolly what a ride. And for once, I'm not talking about sex. Well... not entirely about sex. Because there is ALWAYS sex when it comes to moi. Let it be that I was talking about sex, that I was flirting with the other/same sex, that I fought because of sex, that I want sex... you can pretty much imagine the rest.

It's been quite the weekend. Dunno where to start. Letsee... the basic elements here are: Rink, sex, threesomes, cheating, Laurie, fights, Alice, issues, friends, sickness, Alek, anger and music. Yeah. Jam-packed and uber interesting for you gossip queens that love to see this crap happen to other people. You know who you are. This is for you.

Since life is short and books are long, I'm just gonna go basic. There were plenty of misconceptions and miscommunication from both parties [Party A= Rink, Party B= me]. According to Party A this has always been an OPEN RELATIONSHIP. I know what you're all thinking. "Dude, that's great! you're so fucking lucky with that piece of meat!". Believe it or not, I'm directly quoting someone. *hintNEMOhint* So yeah. True. That's the best thing that could ever happen to me. No strings attached, no explanations, nothing. Just great sex. Except [because life is full of these]... I didn't think it was fantastic, or great, or even the best thing that ever happened to me. At some point, I thought I might as well just die if they are handing me the knife. In case you didn't know, I tend to be overly dramatic. Blame my afternoon drama classes. Back to me. I got pissed off. And I mean, PISSED OFF. How only Michel can be pissed off. Yeah, scary shit.

You know the equation: pissed off = jumping into conclusions / closed to other's arguments x violent x jealous. An accident waiting to happen.

Rink and I had various fights. All of them because of other people, mainly other subjects that he fucked around with. It's not only kissing my good friends, it's fucking too. First, ALEK aka Uke1. Man, what was he thinking? wait, he probably wasn't thinking. All I can say is... yikes. He's cute and all, in a very girl-y way. Jeez. Other subject that Rink seems to fancy is a specimen named Laurie aka Uke2. I thought Lawrence from "Little Women" too. They look pretty similar. This guy swears he has a "wonderful personality". Pfft. If I were a fag hag I would say "Aw, they look so cute" but since I really care about myself, I'll refrain from ever saying that again. It's insulting. O_o And those are the ones that so far have been fucked by the Rink-machine. Do expect a weekly column with further updates. Back to you Michel.

Thank you self. So... I'm a possessive, jealous bastard. I get real mad when I label something as mine and that something thinks it has personality and goes off to do all kinds of things without my consent. That's pretty much what happened. I led myself to believe something that wasn't real, not even close to that. I got confused, sidetracked, whatever you want to call it. And what I find particularly funny, now, after a few drinks and a few cigarrettes, is that I wanted to yell at Rink for not being responsable for his own actions. For always wanting for me to be there to save him. I was so selfish and childish, it was actually amusing. I thought of sinking him in a pot of lava or torturing him with feathers and all kinds of disgusting things that would have him cry out for an inmediate bath. Yeah. I'm the king of torture >:D

After a few weeks of being a tightass and of believing in girl's fairy tales, I decided to stop the crap and come back to Michel 1.0, that was a fun version of me. There's only so much I can stand. Besides, since when did I become so desperate for certain things? Must have been high or something. Funny thing is, Rink is probably still pissed at me. I did visit him earlier, our much needed sexual encounter. You know, to free certain energies and crap. He's such a horny dog. I think it bothers him that I tell him that. It's the truth. You'd think he's a guppy in certain aspects but in fact, he's a shark in them. It's funny actually. My lil' boy is all grown up. Still have some training to do though. If only Uke2 hadn't interrupted our stretching session. >;)

So I'm back. *public groans* Yes, I hate you too. <3 Did I mention that I love oxymorons?

I've drowned most of my feelings in music. I better go now. Damn tired and I want to be half-alive when Rink comes back.

And because poetry is never overrated:

The lost promise
Of the dying sigh
Was caught in an angel's whisper
To be kissed good-bye.

Oh! and my words of wisdom for the day: If you can't win them, kill them :D

We're back home

2004-09-29T16:55:00.000-07:00

Plane ride was... ick. Planes are evil, as is height. It's cold here. Rink couldn't tolerate the weather change very much. The effect of the pills I took for the ride is wearing off.

He confuses me so much. He drives me insane.

Rink's sick. He seems to have some kind of virus. He wanted to get better in an unconventional way... mainly sex. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with this. Normally I'm all for the sex. You, my dear public, should know. But right now, I dunno what the fuck is wrong for me.

I'm overly sentimental. In the bad, lovey dovey song kind of way. I wanted to sing "Slide" for him. "SLIDE" for the love of GOD. I wanted to sing "Hanging by a moment" for him. Yes, it was horrible. I don't know what got into me. I just stared at him, while he coughed and did childish -yet adorable- things. I wanted to keep him there with me, forever, even if he's sick like now. I want to sit him on my lap and hear him breathe. It's so soothing. A breath... living... flesh. I evem got annoyed when Benjamin came over to visit. I hate it when people want to have their own happiness while detaching others of their own. I guess that makes me a hypocrit because I could care shit that I'm making someone unhappy because I'm with Rink. Fuck you all. I deserve my little piece of sunshine too >:|

My God, how can this be so frustrating?! I don't want to say it. I hate it that the words are hanging from my mouth, as if the chance were given they would jump out. I have enough issues with Rink trying to control me and have the upper hand, the last thing I need is for him to find out. If he did, I would be forced to deny it to bitter death and then my fears will make me turn into this violent animal that only wants raunchy sex and could care less about Rink's feelings. No one can touch what is mine or else I will have their head and hang it at the entrance door.

He said the magic words today. "That's so unlike you..." Why is it that loving is unlike me? why are you making me fall in love with you every day? you swoop me in, faster and deeper with each passing moment. What would I be without you? why does loving you make me the weak one? Here's the second. I'm afraid now. I want to hurt you. I want you away from me. And the second went by. I breathe, I regain myself. I look at you sleep. So vulnerable. You'd think a little flimsy thing like yourself couldn't even scratch me, much less hurt me and have me in alert mode.

DAMN YOU. I don't want to laugh in front of you, I don't want to smile in front of you, I don't want to fall in love even more with you, I don't want to get hurt by you, I don't want to be ashamed of this feeling. But I forgot you're a fallen angel. I took your hand, I'm falling with you... I'm scared when I look into your eyes. You make it all seem so real. I don't believe in love at first sight. I never believed in love. I've seen so many suffer because of it.

I didn't want to write here anymore. I don't like getting my feelings out of my shell, it gets so messy. O_O I start getting confused, I wonder what you need, I ask myself if I'm being to cruel with you, I ponder if you think of me every passing second... is love circumstancial? I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop writing songs about you. I can't stop breathing you, feeling you, kissing you, loving you... and I really hate myself in this lovey dovey crap. It's mutilatingly ANNOYING. I feel I've lost so much of me when I'm with you. The cynism, the hate, the barriers I built to protect me... they are all gone. I can't find them. I can't rebuild them for a long time. They fade away like sand castles. I'm passive. I've opened myself to you. I trust you. I feel I'm naked and I'm begging you to love me. My flaws are scattered about me. They bloom like flowers in early spring. Why do you like them so much?

How do you feel when it comes to me? have I forced you to love me? is it just lust? why won't you say? are you afraid like me? what do you think when you see me? what do you love of me? what do you hate? is my humanity so bizarre? why don't you touch me? am I still disgusting to you? why do I feel that you'll judge me if I ask things of you? do you mean everything you say? .... ok, stop the question session. I'm annoyed with myself now. ARGH self. Stop being such an idiot and focus on more important things!
...like brownies.

growls at blogger

2004-09-27T18:10:00.000-07:00

I’m currently in the Dominican Republic, in Puerto Plata to be more specific. We got here on Wednesday. Yesterday we went to swim with the dolphins in Ocean World. It was fun. I went snorkeling too. Loads of big fishies and pretty corals. Rink hardly moved, he was too busy staring and being amazed by all the prettiness. I had to drag him everywhere; he’s still being a dickhead. He’s blocked when it comes to me, as the lovely witches from Santo Domingo would say.

At times when I’m with him, I get so confused and angry, I want to break his skull and look at him lie helplessly on the floor. He would plea, his sky blue eyes on the verge of tears. I would have him submitted, like a fallen prey in the hands of a merciless killer. I would lick his tears and kiss his lips, dry from the fear. In pure delight I would lick the blood off his face, then I would get on top of him to kiss him… to feel him. His body is such a marvel. It twists and flinches and turns all possible shades of red. Blood and tears. Just thinking about it makes me want to do him over and over him. *insert deep breath* who said sick pleasure couldn’t be equally enjoyable? Or even more?

Have I ever described my lover? He can be such a pest. Mind games are his speciality. He loves to give me a jesting, condescending look. He delights in tricking people and confusing them so they can loose focus. He seems to find the human mind to be amusing, specially when it looses track of what it’s saying or doing. He’s a mirage, harboring his innocent malice beneath an angel’s face. But have I ever told you how beautiful is the sky in his eyes? You can almost see stars take a peak at night. Those same eyes that hold so many secrets from me, those same eyes that submerge you in a frozen wasteland… he can stroke you with a gaze and make love to you with a smile. His hair is soft, black silk threads woven to perfection. I’ve wondered if roses kissed his skin at birth…

He inspires poetic verses out of me, along with insufferable bouts of lust and desire. Last night we had one of our famous random fights. It was just so stupid. And even so, I discovered something amidst all the crap. As my last bit of patience died away as a worn candle I saw that he’s every bit of my perfect imperfection. Haven’t I always described him as a fallen angel? My Dark Eros. I kiss your anger, I drink from your desolate sadness, I breathe your melancholy… what do you search for in others that you can’t find in your own self?

You grate my nerves you little asshole. You know how bad I want you, you know how you want me just as well! What the fuck is it with these questions?! You know I won’t answer them. Are you even more cynical than myself when it comes to you? Fucking pisses the hell out of me that you think everyone is as shallow as you are. You think you are only worth for the sex?! And of all people I AM telling you this. I don’t want to fight. I don’t want to be angry. I swear but CHRIST, you sure as hell don’t help. You have any doubts, ASK ME. You have a mouth for something other than kissing and sucking.

To be continued…? Tan tan tan…

Survey already

2004-09-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

What I think...
..snow?: Rink
..rain?: soft
..tornado?: destruction
..summer love?: Passing
..Jon?: John
..Mike?: Piazza
..banana?: Yum.
..dizzy?: up the girl
..Juan?: Luis Guerra
..car?: bmw
..white?: tainted
..peppermint?: gum
..New Found Glory?: Old Lost Failure
..orange juice?: Breakfast
..hate?: many
..school?: Life
..President?: No one
..football?: Cool
..rock?: forever
..sex?: on legs
..death?: inevitable
..baby?: innocence
..duuude?: surfer
..the end?: eternity

I've disappeared I know.

2004-08-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

But you can't blame me. I've been working a lot lately. Burger King needs me! [/sarcasm].

No I don't work there mind you. I went over to Florida to look for some heat and sun but instead I get a hurricane. Isn't that wonderful? so that didn't last long. Rink was laughing so bad at me... not my fault I don't keep up with the weather channel >:| and since we got wet and he laughed so hard, he caught a cold. He blames it on me of course.

Other than that incident, I've been a good boy. Screwed-- tended my boyfriend, did the laundry and cooked. You may pet me. I also learned how to do tea to keep Rink's mouth busy. Insert all your naughty thoughts here.

I'm trying to convice Rink to go to Greece so we can actually do SOMETHING this summer. A nice change of scenery won't hurt but the plane ride will kill me. I HATE PLANES. *growl*

So now that I'm done whinning I'll go back and take care of my boyfriend.

Argh to the infinite

2004-08-08T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm so fucking mad. I have this big ass headache mixed up with this big ass short of breath thing along with RINK internet flirting. Dude... don't you know ANYTHING?! why... of course not. Since we met little Alice, which I think he likes or something, oh by the by, I'm paranoid, he's been focusing on her as an excuse to ignore me. ARGH.

I'm a JEALOUS person. J-E-A-L-O-U-S. I'm an attention whore and I need people to LOVE me or atleast treat me-- you know what. If you don't know this, then fuck you. I'm sure as hell not going to tell you. Go fuck a tree.

ARGH. Violence. Violence. Must do therapy. Pills. Something. Must cool. Must be calm. Think happy violent thoughts. Ok bad. Damn, where's a shrink when you need one?

::EDIT:: later that morning... 8 am...
We made up. Woo.
The end.

Ok no. That's not the end. It was great actually. I just hate talking about my happy stuff because then people will envy me and jinx me. Whatever.
We had a big -little- fight over nothing very relevant, other than I'm a big jealous freak and Rink is a very possessive person and doesn't want me to flirt but he can. Yes. You can stop laughing at us. We're adorable in our own way.
After I apologized and he apologized, we had great love making. Sex I mean. Ok. Both. I love him damnit so I can be corny! uh-oh, mah lover is stirring. Must tend to his needs.

And yes, I love you fans so much that I only wake up to update you.

Get ready for this: Michel is BORED

2004-08-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not used to being back. Feels as if this is a baby I have to take care of, feeding it words so it doesn't die on me. Hmm. I'm all alone at home [it's tradition] and Rink is at the office working... or reading smut... or playing in his laptop. Whichever really. And since I'm all alone, with nothing better to do than chat online and write here... I'll do it good.

A small update on my life. [Hold on to your pony].
I dunno where to start. For starters, I'm no longer single but I guess you all know THAT by now. If not, dumbasses, read previous posts. My Rink... ahhh... feels so good to say that! *feels devilish* eat your heart out stinkin' DELTONS! HAH.

Ahem, sorry. That was my inmaturity. I'm sure you'll get acquainted with it soon enough.

I worked as Rink's bodyguard after a while. Technically I'm still under-contract. It fits my personality quite well: protective, obsessive, zealous, jealous, possessive, *insert more adjectives*[sp?]... and currently, I'm unemployed because I do absolutely nothing the whole day other than wake up, eat, do something random, wait for Rink to get here then dedicate all my time to Rink.

Hmm, I just thought of condoms. Heh. I don't use those anymore *evuuul*

Yes, I'm your basic little housewife. Anyone has a problem with it can fuck me. Oh no wait. Bad me. That's no longer allowed. *evuul again*

And I moved. We live in Detroit, not Boston. Too much crap in Boston, too many painful events and painful everything to keep on living there. Not to mention a very annoying human being stalking MY Rink. *glare* I'm a big anti-change person [again, you don't know that what on earth are you doing here? ¬¬] but this was necessary.

Oh yeah, allow me clear out something. I may come out as mean, sarcastic and all that to you. Don't worry. That's who I am. Get used to it. *sticks tongue out*
God, this inmaturity is getting on my nerves >:|

Considering that I'm all alone... bored... I got myself involved in this big project. It's big, very big. I mean. I have no other words other than BIG to describe it. I have my vision and it's on the works. You'll find out soon enough, trust me. I have been working on it for a while now.

I rejoined my band. "Acronym". I'm not exactly desperate for activity but they are desperate for a member [more specifically, moi]. I've written a few songs so, why not?

"If I only had one life to live
Wouldn't it be easier to die today
No past to hold and no future to give
Dust the star left in the way

But if that would have been so
Let myself believe that this life is not mine
I would die without knowing
That 'love' is not enough

That 'love' is beyond me now
What I feel for you is not merely love
Beyond songs and poetry, beyond sun-bathed skies
Beyond flowers and sugar-coated lies
..."

I'll leave my inspirational flow here. My eyes hurt and I'm starved. Must catch Rink for some lunch. I have complicated concept for songs and I really hate it when words are not enough.

There. No complaining people. A real post! and long too!

Well lookie here...

2004-08-05T12:41:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Not by popular demand mind you, simply because I wanted to. So HAH. Take that invisible person.

Why did I decide to update this again, basically, let you all have an indecent view of my life? I'm an attention whore I suppose. So those of you who thought were actually rid of me, guess again. The sadistic bastard you all love to hate is back, for good. [or atleast until I get tired of being a blogging slave].

Speaking of slaves... *purr*

My computer is pretty much dead so don't expect A LOT of updates until it decides to be nice again or until I decide to fix it. Whichever really.

Enough with being pointless.

Replaced

2004-02-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

I've been replaced, shunned, pushed aside... I'm not priority. Well, are we surprised? Why OF COURSE NOT. I've been pushed aside ever since this fucking new year started... right in the middle of the first month. Things have been loosing pace, loosing pretty much everything.

SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?

But things change.

Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley

[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]

Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.

I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.

Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part

I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars

When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream

I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.

-Me [10:25 pm]

Long time no write.

...
*sigh*
...

I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.

I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.

Secrecy

2004-02-13T12:10:00.000-08:00

A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?

I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.

St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.

I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...

Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]

He sent me a card though... yay.

*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*

--

Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.

It's killing me...

I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.

I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.

*shoots self*

New Years

2004-01-01T05:09:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years. I'm with Rink in Vail, Colorado. All is right with the world.

@ NYC - 2

2003-12-29T22:07:00.000-08:00

Got to hear Rink's voice today, M-I-R-A-C-L-E. It got me so happy [well, as happy as a guy like me could be -_-;] but bad me hasn't written the demn postcard yet, mostly because I don't want to sound sappy or desperate but I do want to make it clear that I miss him alot.
I miss my Rink.
Benjamin has been good though. I didn't go out today and he stayed. We watched movies and stuff. I didn't get 'The Hours' and 'Ringu' was too strange. Had to order our food though and here I will keep my comments to myself. XD
The temperature is quite hot inside the appartment, I'm about to go naked, it's steaming >_<
Well... nothing else to ramble about and now I will think hard and WILL write that postcard!

Example:
Rink:
Hey Kinky Boy... j/k. Currently at the Big Apple as you could imagine and quite far from 'Acronym'. ~~I'm really planning to quit the band, it's becoming too frustrating~~ I've gone sightseeing though I'm still missing the museums and all that fancy artsy stuff you like. I've gone shopping and walking around. Lost a few lbs. Whee. More bones for me. Exciting.
[...]

Back to naked.

@ NYC - 1

2003-12-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

I feel... strangely detached. I hooked up with Benjamin after the most frustrating 13 hours of my existence. I H*A*T*E planes, I really do. I hate airports and all that crap. I hate to think that I have to go back into one to go home.
Meh.
It was unexpected seeing Benjamin waiting for me at the airport. Refreshing, it's true. It was nice seeing a familiar face among all those people with long and expectant expressions. We took off and crashed in his place in Manhattan. I told him I was going to stay somewhere else but then I didn't care about getting away from Acronym's manager. The guy gets on my nerves, I hate him and there is no way he's gonna get around harrassing on my stay in New York. Fuck him. He can fuck himself with a microphone for all I care.
I need a vacation. We have a concert the 31st in Madison Square Garden to say buh-bye to the Old Year and welcome the New Year. Perhaps the only time in this trip that I'll see Acronym.
After that we stay for three more days and then we go back home.
Went to the Benjamin-- I mean Rockefeller Center and shopped around for Ben's present. It's a tradition. We buy our gifts after the 25th to take advantage of the massive sales. I bought him a new watch and he bought me a new wallet. Mine was all crammy. Sad.
I miss home.
I miss Caterina and I wonder if she's nearby. I haven't heard from her in ages.
I miss Rink too.
I wonder how Rink is. Probably too absorbed in his snow and skiing and doing all those fancy things he loves doing.
No snow here. Boo.
I feel lost. I feel out of it. I walked all the way from 5th Avenue to Chambers St, because I was so off in my thoughts... and the best part was that I didn't notice crap. Aren't I amazing? ;) [for those who are ignorant, they are quite far from each other, I mean I went from Midtown to Lower Manhattan].
No plans for tomorrow. I'll probably just mope around and wonder what and when am I going to write something for Rink...
Hmmm... Ben got home. He bought Eggo for breakfast. You'd think he would have a chef or something -_-;
I want yogurt, I'll go to my room and be random now.

Tears and gasoline

2003-11-12T00:02:00.000-08:00

Vero cried in my arms tonight.

She was sobbing incessantly yet she tried her best to keep it silent. She felt her heart grow weaker by the second. She whispered, she pleaded to know why she couldn't be loved the same way as others? Why did everyone hate her? Where was the Prince Charming that would look past all this, that would see the needy Vero? No one had come. She thought Rink was the one, but he only opened the wound even more. She hates men. She hates them all. Talk about unrequited love. She said she hated me too, she blamed me for Rink leaving her. The sorry little goth princess, with her small body trembling. I think of Rink and his current 'prey' if I do say so myself and I feel sorry for the girl. She loves Rink, it's obvious. He once said it himself that he's here to cause havoc. She's a dangerous cookie, in the sense of her disproportioned powers. She should have been reasonable, remained there sitting down until Rink would come back and yell again and lock her up and the endless cycle would repeat itself. And I would smile silently, the dry rose in my arms already thrusting me her thorns. She hates me, she hates me... oh sweet child, you are so innocent.

There are times in which I want to close my eyes and remain forever in a drugfilled sleep. I want to cry out and then slump in the hard cold concrete. I would count the stars and close my eyes. What is life expecting of me? it's poking me so much that it's hard to ignore.

She talks again, she'll burn her diary. She condemened herself in her diary she says.

It's been 8 months already. Seems like time hasn't even begun sliding.
I want his sweet honey...

She finally regains herself and leaves quickly, almost wanting to hide the tears that slide down her cheeks. I turn my face and look up the frightening sky. I don't hesitate, nor do I wonder. I feel empty again but I don't mind. I'm so jealous. I don't want his attention, nor his creativity to be directed to such a frivalous cause as herself. The little demon. I care not what she is. If we are all naming each other then I'm a killer.

I'm still looking up, that torticollis will be the death of me tonight but I don't care now. I'm taken by a sparkling red star, I know it's Altair. I read about it once, in one of those rare moments where a book managed to fall in my hands. How can people live still in the past? or think about the future? Who am I to judge?

I hate parties, social gatherings, large congregations of people, I would hate concerts too but since there is a distance between the audience and myself, I can live with it. Though of course, I approach, why wouldn't I? I'm not that cruel.
Rink's little dollies.

I sit down now, my legs are hurting, the wind is getting colder and colder... finally. I hum that silly love song that everyone loves. I laugh to myself. I'm no wise man, I know nothing of the universe and it's secrets, but I do know this.

Rink is gasoline.

Uuh, new definition! ahem.

My nose hurts, it's cold.

Daylight saving--what exactly?

2003-10-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

So yeah, this has nothing to do with the above subject but it's not like I really care. Rink has just 'accused' me of being an 'existencialism' follower. Meaning I question my existance and the reason of it.
The fact that this has a term makes me angry. I don't want to belong to that or anything of that kind. It's stupid really. It's all his fault. But I don't want to get into that since that will depress me and I'm already a sorry soul as it is.

I'm really sick and tired of being like I am currently so starting from tomorrow, I'll take a vow of silence, atleast for 24 hours straight. I need to achieve and recover back, that part of what I believed was me.

I write him letters and the bastard doesn't even bother to reply. I'm physically and mentally exhausted... I have reached that point and I'm tired of it. Not him. IT. The way my life is going. I really feel he's being a dick and not even taking me into consideration. Then again I look at Vero and well...

But that's the thing! that's his system! that little bugger *shakes fist*

It's late

2003-10-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

My nose is hurting from all the cold I made it go through. I've been looking for Rink for more than an hour, two or three minimun. I'm beat. He can come home whenever the fuck he wants. I hate these rendez-vous. I hate feeling so self-concious about my degree of selfishness and above all, I hate the feeling of change. I feel so lost and trapped. I hate sharing with people, I hate walking among them, I want to stay forever in this little coccoon in my room. Safe, undisturbed. I could care less of the world right now, I don't understand why my body reacts differently from what I think.

I wonder how Veronique feels, trapped in her glass world.

My wall of concrete has been torn, makes me feel exposed and not like my pictures. I want my wall back. I don't want to feel like this, so free and so many positive and happy thoughts. It's SICKENING. I want to go back into the subtle depressive world I lived in, I thrived there.

My core feels hot and bubbly, when in reality it should be icy and stone hard. I want to go to sleep, forever. But not in death, I'm not done yet in life to die.

I hate myself. I don't know why.
I hate the way I can't understand my own feelings
I hate the way I make everyone unhappy.
I don't hate my selfishness, without that, I wouldn't be. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel so suffocated.

Little asshole came back NOW. How I want to hang him by his balls and how much I have to contain myself so I don't do anything irrational like cutting his head off and drinking his blood. And the best part? It's all on purpose, he 'planned' this in a way. He planned these reactions, he wanted them, he went out to look for them. It's either that or he's got some nerve... ¬¬

For real, I'm sick of this. I can't STAND this vulnerability that has been trying to take over me. I'm going back into being that bastardic son of a bitch S&M asshole or I'm gonna die sooner than anyone expects.

*1st thing, get rid of the "!" in my posts. They are not part of my character.
*2nd thing, no more laughing or smiling or being that lovey dovey or anything related to any of these areas.
*3rd thing, limit contact with people.
*4th thing, keep silence, no more talking unless it's absolutely necessary.
*5th thing, get a gun to see if I feel like a fit in some other realm, like HELL.
*6th thing, stop caring.
*7th thing, live in oblivion and submerged in songs.
*8th thing, no more corny/cliche shit. My reputation is on the line, as is my ego.
*9th thing, stop being obsessive/stupid/illogical/clingy. You are irking others and yourself.
*10th thing, lather + rinse + repeat (all these steps) = the Michelangelo we all know.

I hate the "oh-dear-he's-so-troubled" kind of crap. Leave me alone. Demn you.

Crap, I suck

2003-10-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so fucking obsessed my head's swimming. I'm obsessed with him in every possible way. I can't have it that he talks to anyone that could hurt him, I can't have it that he goes away for too long, I can't have it that he loves someone in some other dimension shit, I can't have it that he ignores me or anything even closely related. I feel like such a fucking piece of shit. I want to get hurt, I want to build this stone wall around me where I can play my music quietly. I want to be trapped where I could torture myself by writing lots of songs, all intertwined with him. I would write about his future, about his present, about the world he made me believe existed, about the damage he did to my being... and you know what? I would be fine. I wouldn't need anything. I could rot there, but happy. I would love to have him there but how wrong or bad do you have it when you are so confused? I mean, can a specific feeling be THIS overwhealming and engulfing to the point of blindness?

And so it is.

I feel like crap and not sentimentally speaking. I mean, my stomach is a big piece of shit right now, churning. I think I'll throw up. Been too long on the computer, been eating too much junk. Oi.

On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Veronique.

W-o-w

2003-09-30T19:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite... the adventure...? I dunno how I'd describe it.

I was done. O_O

That's just wroooooooooooooong in my book.

I'm... angry.

Yeah.

He was this dominatrix one moment and the next, kapoosh! He's some depressive dude whose avoiding me.

Got me so horny today, I fell of sleep of exhaustion. Leaving that bit to your imagination.

He fucked hard last night, makes you think, no wonder he gets bored so easily! He's like this energizer bunny which, no matter how many times you take the batteries off [or you try to for that matter], he keeps on going and going and going... I admire that in him. I couldn't stand THAT much, though of course, I could always be superman and make a super effort to give a super orgasm. *nods*

Damn, my ass hurts still >_<

Ordered some pizza, no feeling for some cooking.

I scared him and Ashley today. They were running from me in school and I was just following them, at my own pace. Dunno how I found them. They were scared shitless. I smiled. Funny.

But then the day was slow and slouchy. Good grades in Biology, Literature and French. Don't ask for the rest. It's too sad, too sad I tell you.

I've been thinking of having my own site where I can post my journal entries and then send notices of update to the members in my list XD which should be like what... 1? 2 max?

I'm going on a school trip Friday. So no updates [for myself :P] there. Hmm. Should announce that in a while.
ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'm going fucking INSANE!!!!!!!! where is he??! I want to do him already! I want to be over him!! *stomps*

Yeah I got so mad at him last night even if......... it was good. I was too O_O to take that fact into consideration. He sure ain't no sweetums angelic being. He's a leather clad devul. It was fucking GOOD. Wow, just thinking about it makes me weak in the knees. Talk about a crash course.

I should be put in jail for my babblings.

Positive thing from this experience: I learned that I am:
1. Tight
2. A good fuck
3. ...?
4. Can't follow orders properly.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Face is itching. Talk about a new level of intimacy.

--

Happy Birthday to Giovanni... <3

Huh...

2003-09-29T23:48:00.000-07:00

...did I miss something?

Never enough

2003-09-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

How could I not detest them right now? Especially her, for taking what is mine, for falling in love so deeply and him, for confusing us, making me confused and unsure of what to believe. I want to believe him, everything he says, I want to be calm and not fret so much about what is really happening between them. First my sister and now him… I take it back what I said in the previous post, I DO hate the Deltons and now more than ever. They take away everything I love and on top of it all, they try to get me as well! Well they can pretty much fuck themselves because I won’t do shit. I hate them. I hate them.
*sigh* I hate being held in this dimension in which I’m truly beyond alone…
I hate you all, damn you for ruining all that I had.

I cried today

2003-09-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

Ok. Don't panic on me. It's not what you think. I didn't just plop on a corner and start crying due to all my misery. Tempting as it was. No. It was because I simply sat in front of Rink and he didn't allow me to get near his bed, I was being too annoying even for my own good. So I sat infront of him and stared long enough without blinking my eyes, that eventually the tears started flowing. He stared in fascination. Even though I won't admit this to ANYONE, I was fascinated as well. I can't remember exactly the very last time I cried, believe it or not and the worst part is that I'm not kidding. I felt them, round and liquid... soft and salty. They rolled down, so slow and gentile. I brushed them away, my eyes were itching. Eventually Rink and Ashley were BOTH staring at me, awaiting my tears once more. I delivered. Even more salty, rolling all the way down to my dry lips. I didn't feel anything, no lightness or weight, just the liquid slipping out of my eyes.

But if this was so... how come they were so salty?

My eyes still itch, this happened over an hour or two ago and it seems I developed an allergic reaction. Quite dramatic for less than two minutes of shedding.

After that I went for a little walk and for some reason, I felt heavier inside, my very limbs are hurting, I felt weak and malnutritioned and now I'm in some kind of depressive limbo. But why...?

I have my few hints. They all hurt the moment I think about them, the more I feel them, the more I know I'm familiar with this and the more I wish not to fall back into it but it feels like if I'm walking backwards. Everyone's emotions are evolving, mine are... not.

I'm going through a crisis right now, to the point that I wish not to be around anyone except psychiatrists (not my sperm donor) who will evaluate me, get some conclusion and then keep me like a hamster. I don't mind now.

What am I to the world? Pfft. I don't care about the world.

Why do I feel so fucking useless and in dire need of anything close to real affection? the only place I want it from, can't deliver it. Females in the way, matters, story, CRAP is the basic point. I'm going down so fast, no one can catch me. I'm so selfish... Rink needs to say something, I'm supposed to help him!

Oh but I am. I prefer to help him than myself. I don't want myself here. I don't want to be here for anything other than Rink. But he's not letting me help him, I'm getting frustrated, angered, hurt, short-tempered, depressed because I'm so fucking stupid I can't figure it out!

So many internal demons.
So many undeciphered messages of my being, how can I help you?
I want to, but I can't even help myself.
I don't want you to be hurt when I'm hurt,
I want you to be safe when I'm in danger,
I want you to smile when I cry.

I could care less about myself, or even about how
My broken spirit looses it's wings,
If you're happy,
Shouldn't that be enough?

It is. Oh how it is.
You light my being, you make me forget,
I couldn't l--- you, I couldn't thank you more,
Words have no expressions, sounds have no voice.

<-- basic message of my current state of mind and heart. Yeah, it's beating again. I hate it when it does that.

I hate myself even more now. I only have one purpose, one thing I do good and that's sex. The rest, I'm a disaster and a disgrace to all humans/aliens/eerie beings a like... I can make so many things out of sex, and even if when I least want it, because I feel like some piece of meat that can only have the purpose of the meat and no other [there goes my dream of cooking some veggies] I wouldn't dare complain. I wonder if you live for yourself or for others? if you live to make yourself or others happiness? if you're happiness, really isn't worth anything. You just put yourself in such high standards.

I can but I won't ask. I'm terrified of hurting someone that has such a deeply rooted sentiment within me for them.

Honestly, I don't HATE all Deltons [watch out for the moon tonight, it might fall] but I just don't wish to be associated with them through emotion. They will get hurt, they won't grow, they'll be stuck, they'll blame it on me and I'll have to move to Saturn. Though I'm not saying that anyone really deserves to be with me because at times it's more of a capital punishment than an honor. What can I give them in return, other than my fierce protection? I have nothing more to give <-- reminded me of "Forsaken".

I hate the human mind and it's structure, I feel so trapped.

I live for you, so----

DEMN, so clingy!

*sits in a corner, with his head down and unknown feelings swirling inside of his chest*

RESUME: I suck.

---
Rink... you say the darnest things you know that? ... I hate the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror now. One word: red as hell. Life should have a manual for moments like these ¬¬ *r...e...d*

I can give you stars

2003-09-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

I have no idea why that line there gives me this awful gut-wrenching melancholy.

Maybe because Rink is already focusing on Ashley, maybe because he's gone hetero and for the time being so will I [or I'll fool myself to believe that], maybe because he already found a song for them and they are not even together [yet].

So this is the so-called MISERY. How I drag her, riding on my back as she hammers my head with her words. Oh how it hurts right now.

I did something nice for someone I just met in the net. I couldn't stand one more miserable being like myself, I would murder. Had to change that. I want to be miserable alone.

I hate Rink right now. He should rot up in hell with Ashley and die there... ok, maybe he could rot up in a cage by my bedside.
I'm so fucking down, I'm so gloomed, I'm so unhappy with everything and everyone. I have stacks of cookies and coke to prevent me from killing myself. The tummy will do that for me.

I miss Caterina. I want her here.

Dude the migrane is driving me INSANE.

Back

2003-09-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

Isn't that obvious though? Ahem. I have been back for more than a few weekends, just been to lazy and busy with school work to stop here and write. Tomorrow we are having an expo on our Art Class' Fascination project. We had to pick something/someone that fascinates us and you could either take pictures or draw. Given the fact that I have no skills with my hands [drawing] whatsoever, I opted for photography. I don't really like doing projects. They are so fucking tedious. Good thing that I'm almot graduating. I can't wait.

So I'm with Dickhead Delton again. Whee. Hate my grade, hate my classes. This sucks. Now I'll be gone...

ZzzZzz....

It was Rink's birthday a few days ago...

Trip

2003-08-27T23:21:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving tomorrow to Puerto Rico. Meeting over with Veronique there. We always take these weekend vacations together, some sort of de-stress technique. Leaving a lot of shit and problems behind so I'm quite eager. Plane leaves at 8 am. *shudders* I hate planes.

So yeah, if you love me, send me an e-mail and if you don't, send me one too. Though I won't have a flying fuck of an idea of who YOU are, I'll make me deliriously happy ;)

Pffft.

Eyes are sore and so is rest of my body, and I haven't packed. I'm buying Rink a hamster [which I'll be taking care of by the end of the ordeal]. I'll be getting myself a female.

So yeah...

Take care everyone.

We broke up. Get ready.

2003-08-26T23:34:00.000-07:00

We broke up last night, at midnight.

We didn't get to celebrate the anniversary I was starting to plan but truly speaking, I wouldn't expect this to last as long as it did. I don't regret a second of it. I don't want to change a thing.

. . . since this is my private journal entry, I'll be honest . . .

I can't deny I'm heartsick. I've had an upset stomach, I can't eat more than two square slices of pizza. Been drinking lots of Coke to keep myself from slumping in a corner and dying out of sheer nothingness. I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I thank the Good Lord that I'm meeting Vero in less than 24hrs or else I would be dead, I need to be next to her and just be with her for the next few days. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to mend, or what I'm supposed to be feeling. Vero is the only one who can help me at this moment, I dare tell no one else except Cat. I feel like writing her a letter. But the letter I have in mind sounds like I'm about to die or something O_O; but I'm writing it nonetheless...

Dear Cat:
So what has happened to the world that your brother is writing a letter to you? well if we are stating the obvious:
a. I don't have a clue of where the fuck you are. Report.
b. I need to blow some steam
c. I miss you.

But other than these reasons, I find it difficult in me to be alive these days. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. If it weren't because I want to see you... I want to be completely honest with you, I'm tired. I refuse to live for me, I don't want to anymore. I've done many bad things and obviously, still doing them so I live for three reasons:
a. To see you married and happy
b. To see... Katzereine alive.
c. To see Rink happy.

After those purposes are done, I'm done. It hurts, just a little, that none of you can be happy with me. I don't... I can't bring anyone happiness nor give them anything significant. Remember how you always wanted to do those things? plant a tree, and... I forgot.

Ahem.

I need to breathe. I can't create beauty. I've made you unhappy before but I just keep having these selfish desires of having you all to myself, to not see you married, to have you stay by my side, to provide for you, to love you and care for you, to be there always... I don't want anyone else taking my place, the way that "he" will.

I want to say so many things but I don't know how to or where to start.

I feel like a heartless piece of shit. I'm sorry. I can't hurt you or write to you anymore.

I love you either way, despite it all, despite the hate and rancor that you harbor for me [which I deserve]. I love you Cat. I really do. You have been my world, always will be.

Your twin,
Michelangelo

That was depressing...

. . .

Continuing with me... I saw him today and he was looking like horseshit. I had to fight back my instinct of taking care of him, holding him and trying to get the illness to affect me since I know nothing else to cure an ailment XD but besides that, it hurt.

I got hurt.

Goodness

2003-08-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to fuck her. I am a sex machine. So this is what I used to do before I went right unto his trap... make them believe I want them, that I can't live without them, giving them so much pleasure they might burst. Indeed. I'm going to fuck Lucille.

Ranting away

2003-08-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

So aren't you all used to my sarcasm and cynism by now? well, if you aren't, get ready to.

Yesterday, Rink stayed over at my room. We were up until 5 am doing nothing else but laughing, hiding, playing, toying and coming [atleast I did]. These kinds of things that are intimitate, these kinds of things that are private, these kinds of things that I don't tell anyone and use it against them.

It just happened to me.

It did a few hours ago, I called Lucille's house to ask her about a few things and I have no idea what was THAT for. Rink was there. Starting point for the jealousy. Then all of a sudden Lucille pops about my little sensitive areas, which are things that only RINK could know, since he so recently found out. I wanted to whack them both. It was both embarrassing AND humilliating AND blah. Maybe I'm making too much out of this.

One thing is for sure, I hate her. I really do. I don't like her. I don't want to fuck her. I don't want to get in between her legs just to see how the biggest female whore really does. She's all excited obviously, it has been a goal of hers to get to sleep with me. YET, it's not something I'm quite determined to return.

Why I wonder...

I am a slut and a manwhore so why should I mind? Possessiveness over Rink and the fact that I wish he would at times show 3/4 of what I show. Then again, that is asking for too much. As for Lucille... ack.

Why does she think she is so fucking in control of him? why does she think she is the fucking owner of everything and that he's hers to have? and what is with the fucking generosity and the fucking "ah, I will do anything for you Rink" kind of crap? I mean, what a load of bullshit. She must be bursting from all of it. But what I hate the most is that I can't really hate her. Ugh. Fuck this.

Indeed, this is seriously bitter ranting.

Though I'm considering it might be the fact that I hate competition, I hate competing for everything and he, oh he loves it. He loves the attention, the wanting that he creates in our very beings. I wish at times I could flush him down the toilet, along with everyone else. I hate people. Selfish, envious, loathing, murderous, backstabbers, possessive, stuck-up, cocky pieces of shit. I hate the DELTONS in general. Such a sorry breed.

If he just wouldn't have done that, if he just didn't have to tell that to her, if I just didn't care that much [just like I show it] then it would be ok. I don't go along devulging that kind of shit... then again, I do consider him and call him a mouse. Yet it's different. Everyone hates me and is against me, everyone wants to hurt me even if they themselves don't know it, everyone wants to get rid of me and ridicule me and do all these kinds of things because of who I am. GOOD GRIEF, can't they just leave me alone?!

I love this double edged sword that I am. I am cool and calm and don't care shit on the outside yet inside I'm a wreck. I am a full fledged WRECK. I can't control my emotions, I don't understand them and I have no one to understand them for me.

WELL WELL WELL... if it isn't little asshole at 10:54 PM. Aren't I a lucky bastard. I can hardly wait for the other motherfucker to sign on and officially turn my day into pure shit. Oh the mounting excitement.

. . .

Could it also be that maybe I'm just overreacting? then again, when hasn't it been told or said or noticed that when Rink is talking to you, you always think you are the one at fault? He sure loves to twist minds the asshole.

*groans*

I'm so stressed out, I can even feel his hands on my back like last night and still feel the shivers go up my spine and make me bend, trying to avoid it.

Damn I miss him. I want him here. I want to hold him and crush him and lick him and kiss him and feel him... I want him.

Damn, this is the longest rant ever. *sticks his tongue out*

Ecstasy and bliss

2003-07-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

Not even I can believe that those words are truly in the subject head but then again, today has been the day of many miracles. This week, that had started out with a load of shit just for me, has given me something that I think not even the Gods in Olympus predicted. We did it. I did. I didn't think about here, now, past or future. I just felt the undeniable surge of lust and did everything in my power to achieve it's satisfactory finale.
Ah yes.
Blissful sin I have just committed. Bad boy am I? Indeed but it was... there are truly no words for it.

... :)

He's mine now.

It's funny isn't it?

2003-07-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

The way I hide these embarrassing entries. The way I hide, looking for secrecy and privacy behind these invisible walls. But I can't hide what I am or who I am in here.

So we are in the process of recreating, restarting my previous world. I can't help but feel utterly-- confused. Does this mean I loose what I-- Of course, he's not DEAD or anything and there are many a times I want to wring his deliciously delicate little neck and make soup out of him, but without him? I can no longer live. Pathetic I know, it's hardly me. He's done this to me. He has devoid me of my true self.

I wonder life without him. I wonder days and years without him and the image is always the same. Silence. No words. No feelings anymore. I don't believe one can feel the same about someone else. If you could, then you truly never felt for that person. It was all bullshit. It's true, Rink. I am a simple minded person. I either love you or don't... did I just say that?

Sometimes I believe I'm completely disconnected of my true being, of my real nature to hate, to loathe, to isolate, to protect only my twin. I have opened myself only to him, I have become vulnerable to his words when I think they mean something but then I snap out of it. How can I believe him? How can I know...? then it hits me. You know him, don't you?

What if I don't? what if I pretend to know him? I want him. He's mine. He's not Lucy's, nor Ashley's, nor Vero's, nor anyone who might claim otherwise. He's mine. But what I have I done to keep him? Why do I always question my actions? why don't I ever wonder if I will be loved back? does it matter really...?

He hurts me bad at times. Real bad but I end up looking at him and smiling internally. I touch his skin and caress his hair with my fingers; wincing because he's so delicious all over. My own skin itches, aches and hurts when I don't do anything. I want to throw him on a bed and do him, over and over again, until he would be so tired and confused he won't know how to talk or who he is. He'll only have me. I will bask in his smell and hold him tightly, almost crushing a few of his bones. Then I will kiss him.

How can I be so full of crap? It still surprises even me.

Gripping fear...

2003-07-01T12:32:00.000-07:00

It's moving up my spine and disengaging my neurons. My eyes are shinning, without blinking, and I'm still, sitting down, my entire body is tense as my arm trembles. THE conversation he says. What did I did wrong I wonder? it shouldn't BE a wonder. I'm a selfish, bastardic, selfcentered, antisocial prick. Raise your hands those who are surprised. Given as they are none I shall continue with this, horrible, leechy way of mine. I think I should die sooner than what everyone thinks. I'm not useful to humans, I'm not useful to anyone, not even those whom I supposedly loved. My hand is trembling now, the realization is sinking in. I.AM.USELESS. The more I think I'm doing something right, the more I think I'm protecting someone, it's in reality, the more I'm hurting and the more I'm doing the wrong thing. So maybe when I was young, I never learned correctly the difference between right and wrong. So maybe it was wrong hoping I could do things that obviously, I'm mentally challenged to do. The only purpose of my existence is to bemuse everyone else with my so-called beauty and there it ends. There is no other purpose for an empty candy wrapping, now is there? That should be my new nickname.

emptycandywrapping@hotmail.com

Yeah, I got a new e-mail. Hurrah for me. I'm not feeling all that much for one solid reason that happened that faithful day, I have no heart. I got rid of it. I squashed it. I tore it. I sliced it. I killed it. There is nothing left so I feel any pain, it's probably from the lack of heart, the heart that craves to feel but can't because it's not even there.
Oh sweet glory.

Toss and turn me.
I'm a empty candy wrapping,
Step on, squash me,
There really is no stopping.

::EDIT::
I want to die alone.

Days ahead...

2003-06-24T15:42:00.000-07:00

Day so far has been drowsy and cloudy. Haven't been feeling too peachy since lunch. Must have not trusted my own cooking that much. Rink discovered the computer today so kudos for him. Lately been missing Jay Leno, reception is not good in this place so I'm pissed. Haven't communicated with the band yet, I wonder if they are still with that sorry excuse for a -ahem- "manager". Whatever the case, I'll return to the hype and keep on devouring Harry Potter. I'm graduating already. Finally. I'm free to screw up my life just as I wish.

I'm NOT laughing. >_<

That's just... blah.

Worth and Smarts

2003-05-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

The following entry can be catalogued as stupid... be sure to skip to the next entry, thank you.

2003-03-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Loneliness and abandon. Two very powerful words when it comes to someone like me. It's one of those days you just KNOW IT. You are going to be a miserable son of a bitch for the rest of your life, your sister will leave you and you'll be forced to move into an oldies home where you will commit suicide. Life isn't worthless, it's simply impossible to live when in such pain. I can't show pain, I can only feel it. I hate this even more when I wake up in the middle of the night, a spector, looking at my surroundings trying to see whether the neighbors sexual grunting woke me up or it was the nightmare I was having. It's sad really. People think of me a piece of statue that breathes and talks. I really don't think I could change the world, even if I wanted to. Screw it all. I don't have what I need to be happy, whatever it was, it died a long time ago. I hate myself at this moment. I can't live with myself on this body or on any body. I can't BE. Life has no meaning whatsoever to someone who has or IS loosing every bit of dreaming they had left. One can't survive without dreams, I recently discovered. Love, caring, thoughtfulness, presents... it's all a joke. Hope is what remains and is the last to leave. I think Hope is the only thing I have left with me. My persona is the aftermath of a hurricane: disaster, destruction, confusion.

I'm gay. Or atleast that is what I know of. In reality I think I'm BI which might be slightly better... or WORSE? I dunno. All I know is that I am numb and right now, a fire could come and consume me and I wouldn't know the difference. No, forget it, I'm gay. Definitely gay.

I'm Dead

2003-02-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Not really, I don't think they have internet in tombs or six feet under. Anyways, working now. Being a full time model causing controversy isn't easy anymore. Go team me. I'm graduating this year. Go team me again.
Rink and Vero are siblings that are beginning to discover each other. Don't even ponder of how bad that sounds. Caterina met this french dude, Jean-Luc and HE has been hanging around her like a dog. Must hurt him later. Then again, anything is better than Delton.
You know what...
I'm tired so bye. I'll return later.

Right

2003-02-20T14:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Veronique. Happy Halloween. Happy Birthday Ashley. Happy Birthday Marie. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Birthday Kyle. Happy Birthday Lucille. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. Happy Birth to me and Caterina.

All Holidays and birthdays. There I have updated myself.

BTW

2002-09-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gay.

Just thought you should know.

~~I think I like Rink~~.

ARGH

2002-09-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

I don't even know why I update today, I have nothing new to say, other than Rink and Veronique are quite the pair. And that Ashley and Lucille are unbearable. Pack of snobs and stuck ups. Can't stand them anymore.

I need to get my social life going again but this stupid school barely lets me see any girls other than my sister but now I really don't mind. There are always the guy's locker rooms. *devil look*

Ack. I have no creativity today. Fucking school sucking up my brain dry. I hate it. I hate it. It should die. I want it to rot up and die.

BLAH.

At the current time I don't have a subject idea....

2002-08-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

Caterina and Rink are back from France. They brought me souveniers... yay. Delton is being a dickhead, thinking that I'm actually going to let him and Caterina to be alone in the same room >_> I'm honestly considering setting up some bodyguards with rifles in front of Caterina's dorm room and four on each side to escort her to wherever she wants to go. Atleast I'd give her the freedom she wants so no harm done >)

Ashley has been going gaga for Rink, to the point that you mention his name and she starts reciting the wedding nupcial all on her own. I really don't understand Rink and I won't try to... I can't afford brain damage at this point. It's true what Vero says, this thing is turning out to be a big soap opera and I don't want any part of it.

We are all getting together to play Smash Bros. and go to the movies, to which I publically announce, everyone pays for the stuff they want! You want a hotdog, you pay it, you want popcorn you pay, you want a whore, you have got to pay too.

I'm sleepy so I'll go back to sleeping on the couch... Delton woke me up this morning by raising the volume of the stereo so high, I'm not surprised if all of Boston heard it all. >< I should kick his ass for that... but I'll be cool, I'll get my revenge this afternoon. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

*fade out, laughing like a maniac*

The world is square, triangle, circular, rectangular... it depends on the way YOU look at it.

2002-08-12T19:55:00.000-07:00

What's with the subject headline? You could say I hit my head against the door once or twice today, or maybe that I'm suffering from an optimistic flea bite or that I just feel plain old sick. None of the above are true... except for the first one. Anyways, today it has been quite uneventful so I decided to go to a nearby phsycological institute and look at crazy people bang their heads against the walls. Close but no, I would have free access considering my sperm donor is a psychiatrist. I went to a plaza. I sat in one of the benches, drinking Dr. Pepper and I started to watch people [stare at them is more like it]. It's just funny the way girls fight with their cheating boyfriends over the phone, how the moms scold their kids, using their favorite weapon, guilt. They ask ask what would his/her friends think if they saw him/her crying, and then they ask why is it that people try so hard to impress others. Perhaps that's because it's the way they were raised to think.

I'm a firm believer that what people think is crap. They try everything in their power to sabotage your existance, make it more miserable for the sake of seeing you suffer... there are hardly any people with a kind heart that like you not because you have money, or you are hot, or you have a cool car but just because you are you. Yet I am not looking for love nor a steady relationship. I just feel bad for those people who go on looking for their so-called "soulmate". I believe in no such thing. This will probably come back and bite me in the ass later. How can there be a person for each of us if the women population overpowers that of the men? Does it mean there can be bigamy? Or homosexuality?

I am honestly annoyed by lovesick fools (aka Ashley). I swear, their motto must be "Je vois la vie en roseee..." because they find everything ever so beautiful and ever so perfect just because they think that the other person like them... or whatever. It's just sickening to us healthy people.

Funny thing is, my mind seemed to drift off in thought while I was sitting on the bench. I didn't notice when it started to rain until my vision got blurry. Though I just sat there. For some weird reason, the rain felt comforting, welcoming. After I got real soaked, you know, that's the third bath of the day for me... I returned to campus. Now, I'm sitting down on my bed with blankets wrapped around me and a pouch of ice on my head. Common cold ¬¬ Benjamin is arriving tomorrow from his family trip to New York City... hopefully I'll be able to stand, not have the cramps I am having plus my nose defrosted so I can go and pick him up. You know. I AM his private chauffer... cheap-@$$.

Quotes for all you happy people...

2002-08-04T17:55:00.000-07:00

From here:

"When you see a light at the end of the tunnel, make sure it does not get any brighter. It could just be the headlight of an oncoming train."

"Failure is not an option. It is a privilege reserved only for those who try."

"There is no need to lie your way through life, just keep the truth at a safe distance."

"Money makes the world go around. Love just barely keeps it from blowing up."

"That thought got ran over as it was crossing my mind."

"I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right."

"You know you're a loser when you try to sell your soul to the devil and he asks you for your credit card number."

"I found my dreams but they found somebody else."

"Indifference is the universal currency of this world"

"While some people need friends, most people just need someone they can be better than."

"Your brain is like a vacume cleaner. It sucks when you have to use it."

"Leaving a message on an answering machine gets as much results as sticking the phone in the toilet and flushing it."

"Ignorance has brought me much more happiness than knowledge."

On other things, I found this store called Despair and it's officially my store. Seriously. So me.

BWUAHAHAHHAH! I am not dead >D

2002-07-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

Greetings my followers. Yes you were concerned for me, I know you were. You weren't? then why the hell are you here in the first place?! >_< Ahem.

Update: I AM alive. Above the obvious, I am going to a concert tomorrow, an Alejandro Sanz concert for your inconvenience. It's all the way in Dominican Republic, I got free tickets from my sister so why miss the oportunity?

Eric is still being the same old dickhead, harrassing Caterina.

Lucy and Rink are a mystery...

Vero is here with me playing Smash Bros. Meelee in my new gamecube XD though she made me swear not to tell anyone I beat her twice. OK... she smacked me. Though I didn't really beat her. I cheated. Ugh... she smacked me again.

I arrive the same day of the concert then Saturay I'm going to the beach and I return to R.A. on Sunday.

Benjamin just entered and joined us in our little tournament. And I'm screwed. He caught unto me. Damn it.

Daily rant (yeah I know, your personal favorite)

2002-06-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

Now onto the news about myself (you can't get anything else here, if you are looking for an CNN report go here: CNN DUH. Thank you.) Ahem... anyways, the Russian Bitch has flown back to Moscow. Rejoice. Whee. What school officials say is that she had some trouble back at her home which later her classmates said that it was because of me. Boo-hoo. I can expect a call to the principal and my sperm donor any minute now. What can it be done? The school rules don't state anything about being forbidden to break a heart. And she was the one that started everything in the first place, if only women like her learned to keep their mouth shut.

Not much has been happening around besides R.B. and the never-stopping-sighs of Caterina. And being the Stocker she is, she refuses to tell me anything about it. I have an idea of what it could be and it boils my blood with rage at the mere thought of it. ¬¬

On greener pastures: I ate a donut today. Yay for me. And I'm going to eat Strawberry Haagen Dazs Ice Cream. I know you are green with envy. Also, I'm thinking of getting myself a small dog. I really love the Chinese Crested breed. But then again, who would take care of it? o_O

I got a new chair for my desk. Yay for me again. It's blue. It's comfy. It's for me.

I found this

2002-06-16T21:01:00.000-07:00

JANUARY
Ambitious and serious <-- true
Loves to teach and be taught <-- depends ;)
Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses <-- no
Likes to criticize <-- yes
Hardworking and productive <--yes
Smart, neat and organized <-- yes
Sensitive and has deep thoughts <-- ...
Knows how to make others happy <-- ...
Quiet unless excited or tensed <-- true
Rather reserved <-- very reserved and happy with it.
Highly attentive existent to illnesses but prone to colds <-- I dunno.
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love <-- ...
Loves children <-- ...
Homely person <-- not really
Loyal <-- yes
Needs to improve social abilities <-- so they say
Easily jealous <-- VERY

Look yourself up, you know you want to.

Pissed again, whoop-dee-do

2002-06-16T20:49:00.000-07:00

I am currently trying to help Caterina with HER livejournal which is turning out to be more difficult than expected. You would think that a person would have a favorite color, right? then you haven't met Caterina... she is what I like to call a RAINBOW GIRL. God... she likes all the colors, therefore wants them all in the journal. I think a painter's palette would look prettier o_O

I just found out that Eric Delton has a deadjournal. For that I only want to say two things:

1- Copycat ¬¬
2- Asshole and Idiot not to forgot egotistical maniac.

Mari and I had a big fight today... she kept arguing that I never talked about myself and that she felt she was with a complete stranger. She claims that I'm as silent as a wall and that I have no personality because I always go with her choices except when I'm tired. Or at least that's what I think she said, I really couldn't care less. I get really pissed when girls start arguing with me because of this. It has been more than once. They tell me 'you are being egotistical when you start choosing stuff' and when you don't choose and try to please them, 'you don't have a personality' ¬¬... if you aren't satisfied with what I give, so sorry for you. I am not the talkative type so deal with it. Or fuck off. Whichever is best for you.

This whole thing has proven to me one thing. I do not like women. I do not like to deal with women. I do not like to do anything that refers to women. I hate them. Blame my mom.

I'm so pissed I'm going to do a survey... or not.

Merf, blech, blah... (these are my vocabulary words for today)

2002-06-15T21:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I abandoned you for a day... and now you claim that you hate me? jeez, since when do journals have brains of their own? O_o yeah I know, I'm scaring you.

So I talked to Benjamin. He talked about his love life... stuff he warned me not to mention since he knows the existence of this thing, so all I can say is... this will be fun to watch :D

Not much has been going around here in Campus. Studying, playing guitar, snapping at the annoying bitches that like to diss my sister, playing soccer, watching Jay Leno... that pretty much sums up my start of the weekend. Mari and I were supposed to go to the movies tonight but she decided to rent instead. So, we are going to watch... uh... I forgot. Some movie. No, it's not what you think. We aren't going steady or nothing of the sort, it's just she's too hot and cute to let go so easily. These species are so rare these days, only thing you can find is bitches and she-devils.

Nothing else to say at the current moment, other than I am about to commit a crime to my computer... (*glares at Flash Media Player*)

Oi

2002-06-14T13:40:00.000-07:00

I have just received the stupidiest e-mail in History. It was made by both Caterina and Eric. I tell you, human nature never fails to amaze me much less amuse me. And today I decided to play astrologer, my prediction is the following: since Caterina and Eric LOVE spending time together (i.e. right now Caterina is in Eric's dorm doing God knows what and is going to taste that awful food of his. Taste like crap. Worst part is that I actually ate some of it sometime ago...) they will eventually end up together. I'm a bad astrologer so don't follow this. It really starts to annoy me the simple factor that Caterina says she HATES ERIC WITH PASSION, yet she can't help being at his dorm ALL THE TIME, then she starts protesting that he's... whatever he is.

Benjamin seems to be out of it. He just passes by, doesn't say shit, occasionally falls on pools because of excessive thinking... I found out what's going on and considered twice about knocking him down to Earth again, I let him be. Life is being confusing with him these days. (Full-fledged report once I'm done talking to him, if I want to).

I'm angry now, annoyed, bitchy... all around pissed.

Today was... WEIRD. (aren't you proud of my descripting skills?)

2002-06-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

I woke up early in the morning to go to choir practice (yeeeah... riiiight). I didn't really attend so I went to the library to find something entertaining to do but instead, I found SOMEONE entertaining ;) if you know what I mean... hehehe...

Her name was Marinochka (Mari for short) and she came all the way from Moscow, Russia. A true beauty: medium lenght brown hair with ice blue eyes, fair skinned, medium height about 5'5. She was so shy, it actually looked cute, and she had this funny russian accent that made my name sound like a french duke an-- ahem, back to the original subject. So we started a dialogue, which ended up in a mutual yet delicious silence (a kiss to those that don't seem to understand poetry, nor a metaphor...). Yes it was forward but she started it! I was the victim here! though for the first time, I would like to be a victim again... *grin*

She said that she wanted to hang out with me so she invited me to this dancing thing in some weird theather nearby. Fine. I go and I meet up with her (she was gorgeous). We go in, we sit, the show starts, I enjoy few moments, I inmediately fall asleep... it was so, so, SO LONG I ended up counting the people sitting down, and took special time to classify them by hair color and figure out their height.

What woke me up was the appplause at the end. But thank the Good Lord again, Mari didn't notice.

I wanted to go and have dinner with her, BUT she couldn't... so I didn't insist. What's the point? some weird Russian chick, that I can't understand crap of what she say,s because everytime she looks at me, she turns red and starts to giggle uncontrollably. Now that I think about, she reminds me of Caterina, though the difference is that Caterina laughs AT ME not at herself. If I didn't know any better, I would say Mari was having nasty thoughts about me...

Now that I think of it, it was good that she declined, do you imagine me with this girl who can't stop giggling like a hyena? It was all for the best... but she is SO HOT. Though I wonder, hmm. Forget it.

I'll meet up with her tomorrow after I take the after-class courses.

When I finally got to the Dorm building, I find myself submerged in this disaster area caused by the freshmen, whom I plan to kill them all tomorrow. Their idea of fun and enjoyment was spraying the walls and floor with liquid soap and blow feathers all around. If only they get scolded and THEY have to pick it up! not blame us poor juniors, who want to get rid of Chemistry and Trigonomitry, for something we didn't do! ...or at least didn't colaborate until the very end. I suppose bad habits die hard...

Jay Leno is on but I can't watch him because I was trying to figure out Caterina's new invention. She decided to acquire a livejournal. Catti something, to which I have to say two things:

1- Why the name CATTI? which happens to be the nickname ERIC DELTON uses to refer to her in a VERY FAMILIAR WAY (memo to self: hurt Eric).

2- If you can't figure something out, nag big twin brother...? ha-ha Caterina ha-ha.

3-.... one and two is enough.

Ok, so what if I am a bit overprotective? she's my twin sister! and I won't let some weird gangster snatch her away and rape her! if he even dares, I'll rape HIM and then kill him. And spread his parts all over the place.

Anyways, my back is sore and so are my muscles thanks to the freshmen. (Don't think you are getting away. Tomorrow, I'm throwing water balloons at you, assholes) I took two tylenols that are causing my vision to fail, and right now someone opened my door. Is that... MARI?! I know you're loving this bit by bit broadcast.

I go now. I have something to do instead of writing, which I can assure you it is MUCH BETTER.

P.S. Rink is weird.
P.S.S. Veronique is weird-ER.

I like rambling... don't you?

2002-06-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

I manage to escape Ashley's wrath and I'm currently in my room. It's already past lights out and I figured that the STS might have guessed I wasn't in my room, much less the same building. But the good Lord didn't give them much grey matter as we speak. I encountered Benjamin at my door, he looked so bad I honestly thought a truck had run over him. We talked. It's Caterina (my sister, to you stupid people) and I know what's coming up. Basically he encountered Eric and Caterina in the café, talking and he got jealous.

The best part (stupidest as well) is the fact that he didn't do shit! which of course, caused Caterina to be hurt and leave. I honestly wanted to punch him for two reasons:
1- For not doing anything about it and just sitting there like a total jackass.
2- For not punching Eric and taking Caterina away from there. Of course, he defended himself. He says that she honestly seemed too happy spending time with Eric and that it felt wrong to just simply interrupt... and my sermon/lecture began.

To you, young folks... if you like someone, you have to FIGHT FOR THAT PERSON. You have to cross oceans and move mountains to obtain that person, but Benjamin doesn't know how to do this it seems. He wants to talk to Caterina but isn't sure if she will listen, to which I respond the same: MAKE HER LISTEN. Benjamin likes Caterina to the point that he doesn't want to contradict her desicion making... ¬¬ what a perfect moron.

In resume, Tuesday turned out to be a day filled with love problems and I am happy to say, I AM FREE GUY. HA.

Ahem.

I better go to sleep now, too many stuff to do in the morning. Good night everyone and stay tuned for tomorrow's show... or today's whatever...

P.S. Darn it! missed Jay Leno show! *glares at the computer for keeping him nailed and entertained for once*

Didn't last long... speechless...

2002-06-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so that isn't all I have to say... I have nothing to say other than I’ve been thinking that if I ever were to die, some people might actually dance of joy in my funeral. Among them: Eric Delton, Ashley Delton, Caterina Stocker (she currently hates me because she considers me an overprotective oaf) and the other names are currently meaningless. OK... so to some people I might be pushing it and being a bit dramatic but this is my journal and I say what I please goddamnit.

Thank you.

So today has been a fair day... the sky is dark, the moon is not out, no girl/guy in sight, my sister is locked up in her dorm and I have this perfectly good imbecile in my face. He doesn't get the fact that I'm stalling so that he doesn't see Ashley Delton. Yes, I am in her room right now. And for those who possess a sick mind, she is in the bathroom, washing her face because she was crying... and it has nothing to do with me... heartless bastards that don't know who to blame these days.

Ahem.

Had a fight with my sister because she just doesn't understand nor appreciate the fact that I am trying to protect her from assaulting freaks such as Eric. She just keeps having these silly ideas that Eric is a NICE GUY... we know better.

Ok, Ashley came out of the bathroom and she started to attack the freak. GO ASHLEY GO! hopefully she won't see what I am typing...

I should get a hobby... and broadcasting is not the best option.

New

2002-06-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is the stupidest thing I've ever done but Ben says it works, so I'll give it a try. My name is Michelangelo, Michel for short. I'm Austrian and I have a very bad temper.

This is my new journal. Yeah. Spankin' new for no particular reason. Add me if you read it, stalk me, whatever... this will be public forevermore. [/drama]

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	michelangelo
You will die on:	Thursday, August 26, 2032
You will die of:	Fall from Great Height
Username:

Created by Quill

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	rink
You will die on:	Sunday, July 24, 2022
You will die of:	Suicide
Username:

Created by Quill

Michel des Anges

Song inspired by our new-old couple

Peek-a-boo?

Give it a World

Pictures of You

Believe what you will

Dad Inferno Test

Jaws-a-droppin'

Birthday Salutations

If you want to, I can save you

The crowd still cheers

Hair... again

Hair

All I can do is keep breathing

Birthday Salutations

Seriously...

I want to believe in more than you and me

Loving and Living - Both Extremely Hazardous

Anywhere you go, let me go too

Breaking News

Sundays

Rage

There's really no way to reach me

Tattoos and musings

Purging, because we can't breathe with venom in our veins

Renovation

You see these shackles baby I'm your slave

Letter to Nathan

Inside my mind

Catalyst

Hiatus

Merry Christmas

On a more random note

MIA for a while

Abouth Death

...

We'll be half way to anywhere

Headache

Christmas is only a few days away...

Yesterday was "da bomb" -- pardon the lingo, hangover can do things to you

Elections *shudder*

Level of Hell

Down with infatuations

A word for the running water in the field of snow

People can be funny in the morning

Shiny...

No more

I write long entries

We're back home

*growls at blogger*

Survey already

I've disappeared I know.

Argh to the infinite

Get ready for this: Michel is BORED

Well lookie here...

Replaced

Secrecy

New Years

@ NYC - 2

@ NYC - 1

Tears and gasoline

Daylight saving--what exactly?

It's late

Crap, I suck

W-o-w

Huh...

Never enough

I cried today

I can give you stars

Back

Trip

We broke up. Get ready.

Goodness

Ranting away

Ecstasy and bliss

It's funny isn't it?

Gripping fear...

Days ahead...

Worth and Smarts

The following entry can be catalogued as stupid... be sure to skip to the next entry, thank you.

Elections shudder

growls at blogger