This one ain't pretty. I get all existential and depressed and crap. Skip.
Why is everything a trauma? why is everything supposed to be this complicated and traumatizing and difficult? The exact reason why I don't like interacting with people, the same reason why I hate human relationships most of the time. All you ever do is get hurt.
I saw Rink's survey, the one in my last post and I nearly cried. That's why I hate falling in love, that's why I hate love in general. Pain, anguish, angst, hurt, confusion, betrayal... it's all part of the package. You have to deal with it eventually I know but my head hurts too much. It hurts because I am hurting two people instead of helping them. My lover and my friend. It pains me. It hurts sitting down and looking at my friend talk and make jokes. You are not supposed to be complicated, you are not supposed to hurt me. I can't tell you this though. I don't want to put some kind of restraint over the friendship. It's just that... God... it was complicated enough with Rink. I have to hold on tight so I don't loose him. I don't know why we are like sand. He's like sand. The tighter I go, the easier he slips through my fingers.
Why is love and friendship such a difficult thing to juggle?
I want to be there for my friend but I want to be there for my lover. I don't want my lover to have anyone but me. At all. I don't want him to even look at anyone when he's around me. His undevoted attention, his smiles, his laughter, his tears, his secrets, his sorrows, his sadness, his happiness... everything. Mine. People just get in the way. They just hurt you. Why can't you be with me forever? why am I so selfish and want everything I can't have? it's worse when you have it and then you begin to loose it. But that's just paranoid.
I shouldn't be allowed to love. Let alone exist. I give people pain, I can never make anyone happy. I wanted to call him, I wanted to blame him for everything. You made me into what I am now. An empty candy wrapping. You said it yourself. I am pretty on the outside, I'm beautiful. Inside, I'm empty. That's why people are disappointed when they get an empty candy wrapping. They were expecting a sweet reward, instead, they get nothing. You said that was what I was. An empty shell. You said...
My throat is dry, my eyes are itchy. I should stop smoking. But I can't help it. I'm anxious. He's not here. Panic grips me. I'm all alone.
Fuck me. I hate me. Such a fucking insecure bitch, pretending to be better than everyone else. I feel sick. You probably think you are all that, such fine features, everyone wants a piece of you. Everyone wants to take advantage of you but alas, you put up quite a front and they leave you alone for a while. Weakling. They can see right through you.
God I'm so funny. I'm scared shitless of being alone now. Haha. Something even funnier. I can see them. Yes. I can see them talking, laughing... I can't say anything. I am not allowed to. I hurt him, I didn't show up on time, I got a call, I left... I kept him waiting. My head is still hurting, I can hardly breathe. I'm so pathetic. I'm loosing it over something so simple. I can't please everyone, I can't help everyone but I want to. I want to help Rink, I want to help Nathan. I want Laurie to rot in hell then I can go down and kill him ever so slowly. Yes. For each time he layed an eye or a hand on my Rink.
My head is bursting. He's still not home. He's not here yet.
Serves me right. I'm such a bastard. I'm such an ass. I'm so selfish. I'm such a fucking mess. You both confuse me.
