Wow... long ass time since I last updated. First off, since we are smack dab in the middle: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hannukah... if I left something out, sorry. I'm too drunk to really remember right now.
Rink is fine. His birthday was great. And also a belated birthday salutation to: Giovanni, Ashley, Marie, Kyle and Lucille. There. Now you can stop harrassing me.
Rink got lots of presents from Santa this year even if he misbehaved like fuck. My father and myself seem to have made some kind of weird peace. We spent Christmas over at his appartment with the gang. Even Caterina was there. I know... shocker :O Got lots of presents this year, which again, I think Santa has a defective list. I was almost sure I was getting charcoal this year. Or even poop.
I'm tired. I need a sugar high or maybe I just need to leave this fucking computer alone and jump into bed with my boy. Hmm. That is tempting.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
On a more random note
Rink's birthday is Saturday. I don't know what to get him. Share my angst and help me find a good present. By the way, HIM's new single "Wings of a Buttefly" rocks my socks. Download it. You won't regret it. And the Goo Goo Dolls have a new single out in September. I'm doing the happy dance.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
MIA for a while
Hello itty bitty little public. Well... umm... man a lot of shit has happened. First for those of you who are STILL holding your breaths, Rink and I are still together. <3 It's been a tough process for the both of us but we're holding up. So yeah, that's good. I'm very very very tired right now. Been writing a song though I don't know if it can be deemed a song per se considering that it's not even finished and the musicalization is barely there. This is what I have so far:
We’ve been holding hands for so long
We’ve forgotten what it’s like
To be alone
People tell us that we’re lost
Even when we’ve never had a home
And I promise to never tell God
That the missing piece of sky
Has been hiding in your eyes
...
I'm going to work on it later when I do all my errands for the day with Rink. Rink's asleep. I better do the same. See you soon everyone.
We’ve been holding hands for so long
We’ve forgotten what it’s like
To be alone
People tell us that we’re lost
Even when we’ve never had a home
And I promise to never tell God
That the missing piece of sky
Has been hiding in your eyes
...
I'm going to work on it later when I do all my errands for the day with Rink. Rink's asleep. I better do the same. See you soon everyone.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Abouth Death
I never knew death could be possible in so many ways. Death of the body, death of the mind, death of the heart. I never knew that we could be hurt by it at any given moment in the strangest form. I never knew I would feel so much regret, so much pain. I overheard people talking about pain. About how to let go of pain and all those emotions. How not talking about your feelings is the same as if you never wore a deoroant. Then the person started asking when was it that you felt the most pain.
Every little thing came back to me like a single drop in the ocean, ripple after ripple.
I've lost so many things in a few days. First my love, then my father. It's as if God is testing me while I test him. It's too much on one sitting sometimes. I don't know what to think anymore. I didn't loose them per se, they've changed. I can't recognize them and that scares me. I need to stop being such a pussy sometimes.
What is the color of innocence?
Every little thing came back to me like a single drop in the ocean, ripple after ripple.
I've lost so many things in a few days. First my love, then my father. It's as if God is testing me while I test him. It's too much on one sitting sometimes. I don't know what to think anymore. I didn't loose them per se, they've changed. I can't recognize them and that scares me. I need to stop being such a pussy sometimes.
What is the color of innocence?
Friday, April 1, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
We'll be half way to anywhere
This one ain't pretty. I get all existential and depressed and crap. Skip.
Why is everything a trauma? why is everything supposed to be this complicated and traumatizing and difficult? The exact reason why I don't like interacting with people, the same reason why I hate human relationships most of the time. All you ever do is get hurt.
I saw Rink's survey, the one in my last post and I nearly cried. That's why I hate falling in love, that's why I hate love in general. Pain, anguish, angst, hurt, confusion, betrayal... it's all part of the package. You have to deal with it eventually I know but my head hurts too much. It hurts because I am hurting two people instead of helping them. My lover and my friend. It pains me. It hurts sitting down and looking at my friend talk and make jokes. You are not supposed to be complicated, you are not supposed to hurt me. I can't tell you this though. I don't want to put some kind of restraint over the friendship. It's just that... God... it was complicated enough with Rink. I have to hold on tight so I don't loose him. I don't know why we are like sand. He's like sand. The tighter I go, the easier he slips through my fingers.
Why is love and friendship such a difficult thing to juggle?
I want to be there for my friend but I want to be there for my lover. I don't want my lover to have anyone but me. At all. I don't want him to even look at anyone when he's around me. His undevoted attention, his smiles, his laughter, his tears, his secrets, his sorrows, his sadness, his happiness... everything. Mine. People just get in the way. They just hurt you. Why can't you be with me forever? why am I so selfish and want everything I can't have? it's worse when you have it and then you begin to loose it. But that's just paranoid.
I shouldn't be allowed to love. Let alone exist. I give people pain, I can never make anyone happy. I wanted to call him, I wanted to blame him for everything. You made me into what I am now. An empty candy wrapping. You said it yourself. I am pretty on the outside, I'm beautiful. Inside, I'm empty. That's why people are disappointed when they get an empty candy wrapping. They were expecting a sweet reward, instead, they get nothing. You said that was what I was. An empty shell. You said...
My throat is dry, my eyes are itchy. I should stop smoking. But I can't help it. I'm anxious. He's not here. Panic grips me. I'm all alone.
Fuck me. I hate me. Such a fucking insecure bitch, pretending to be better than everyone else. I feel sick. You probably think you are all that, such fine features, everyone wants a piece of you. Everyone wants to take advantage of you but alas, you put up quite a front and they leave you alone for a while. Weakling. They can see right through you.
God I'm so funny. I'm scared shitless of being alone now. Haha. Something even funnier. I can see them. Yes. I can see them talking, laughing... I can't say anything. I am not allowed to. I hurt him, I didn't show up on time, I got a call, I left... I kept him waiting. My head is still hurting, I can hardly breathe. I'm so pathetic. I'm loosing it over something so simple. I can't please everyone, I can't help everyone but I want to. I want to help Rink, I want to help Nathan. I want Laurie to rot in hell then I can go down and kill him ever so slowly. Yes. For each time he layed an eye or a hand on my Rink.
My head is bursting. He's still not home. He's not here yet.
Serves me right. I'm such a bastard. I'm such an ass. I'm so selfish. I'm such a fucking mess. You both confuse me.
Why is everything a trauma? why is everything supposed to be this complicated and traumatizing and difficult? The exact reason why I don't like interacting with people, the same reason why I hate human relationships most of the time. All you ever do is get hurt.
I saw Rink's survey, the one in my last post and I nearly cried. That's why I hate falling in love, that's why I hate love in general. Pain, anguish, angst, hurt, confusion, betrayal... it's all part of the package. You have to deal with it eventually I know but my head hurts too much. It hurts because I am hurting two people instead of helping them. My lover and my friend. It pains me. It hurts sitting down and looking at my friend talk and make jokes. You are not supposed to be complicated, you are not supposed to hurt me. I can't tell you this though. I don't want to put some kind of restraint over the friendship. It's just that... God... it was complicated enough with Rink. I have to hold on tight so I don't loose him. I don't know why we are like sand. He's like sand. The tighter I go, the easier he slips through my fingers.
Why is love and friendship such a difficult thing to juggle?
I want to be there for my friend but I want to be there for my lover. I don't want my lover to have anyone but me. At all. I don't want him to even look at anyone when he's around me. His undevoted attention, his smiles, his laughter, his tears, his secrets, his sorrows, his sadness, his happiness... everything. Mine. People just get in the way. They just hurt you. Why can't you be with me forever? why am I so selfish and want everything I can't have? it's worse when you have it and then you begin to loose it. But that's just paranoid.
I shouldn't be allowed to love. Let alone exist. I give people pain, I can never make anyone happy. I wanted to call him, I wanted to blame him for everything. You made me into what I am now. An empty candy wrapping. You said it yourself. I am pretty on the outside, I'm beautiful. Inside, I'm empty. That's why people are disappointed when they get an empty candy wrapping. They were expecting a sweet reward, instead, they get nothing. You said that was what I was. An empty shell. You said...
My throat is dry, my eyes are itchy. I should stop smoking. But I can't help it. I'm anxious. He's not here. Panic grips me. I'm all alone.
Fuck me. I hate me. Such a fucking insecure bitch, pretending to be better than everyone else. I feel sick. You probably think you are all that, such fine features, everyone wants a piece of you. Everyone wants to take advantage of you but alas, you put up quite a front and they leave you alone for a while. Weakling. They can see right through you.
God I'm so funny. I'm scared shitless of being alone now. Haha. Something even funnier. I can see them. Yes. I can see them talking, laughing... I can't say anything. I am not allowed to. I hurt him, I didn't show up on time, I got a call, I left... I kept him waiting. My head is still hurting, I can hardly breathe. I'm so pathetic. I'm loosing it over something so simple. I can't please everyone, I can't help everyone but I want to. I want to help Rink, I want to help Nathan. I want Laurie to rot in hell then I can go down and kill him ever so slowly. Yes. For each time he layed an eye or a hand on my Rink.
My head is bursting. He's still not home. He's not here yet.
Serves me right. I'm such a bastard. I'm such an ass. I'm so selfish. I'm such a fucking mess. You both confuse me.
Saturday, February 5, 2005
Headache
Holiday Update:
Merry Christmas! [Dec. 25] Happy New Year! [Dec 31 - Jan 1] Happy Birthday to Me! [Jan 19] Happy Birthday to Caterina! [Jan 20]
Done.
Little Survey done by Rink that I found and made me incredibly happy.
I am: Rink
I miss: Paris
I want: Snow but I already have it
I have: Snow
I hate: when I don’t know something
I fear: the ones I love against me
I play: everyday
I hear: Well I wanna hear Michel’s violin
I care: a lot
I smile: as much as I want to
I wonder: about the life of a butterfly
I love: YOU
I think: about YOU
I always: want us to be together
I am not: patient either
I dance: when I’m not noticing
I sing: I’m shy about it
I cry: when I want something
I talk about: every single thing
I spilled: the milk this morning
I wish: we were Immortal
I keep: fish
I can: be childish
I can't: share
I write: babble
I lose: patience
I smell: something cold but sweet
I confuse: myself
I need: to cuddle
I should: be working
FIRSTS!
First real memory of something: hands
First screen name: Always "Rink"
First self purchased album: "Nevermind" Nirvana
First funeral: Grandfather
First pets: Digital Fish
First piercing/tattoo: I do in fact have a very small secret tattoo somewhere…
First enemy: The people who choose me as their enemy first
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Edith Piaf
LASTS
Last big car ride: Boston, Mass to Detroit, Mich (oh...) and I was blindfolded
Last beverage drank: Ah! I'm thirsty!
Last food consumed: crackers and cheese
Last phone call: Vero
Last time showered: about 10 minutes ago
Last shoes worn: socks, cause I’m sick :(
Last annoyance: having no snow, but that was quickly fixed :)
Last website visited: www.deadjournal.com/users/michelangelo
Last kiss: two seconds ago
Last beach trip: this weekend
THIS OR THAT!
[skimpy or grannies?] I don't like panties
[scream or scream2 or scream3?] scream
[preppy or punk?] a mixture of both
[salt or pepper?] salt
[okay, ok, or o.k.?] oki doki
[bright colors or dark colors?] just white
[tic-tacs or certs?] are you implying anything cause I brush my teeth
[rain or snow?] snow
[sun or moon?] moon
[silver or gold?] silver
[silk, cotton, or flannel sheets?] cotton
[preps or freaks?] eh?
[popcorn-with or w/out butter?] with
[ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish?] mayo
[shampoo+conditioner in one or separate?] separate
IF YOU WERE ___ WHAT WOULD YOU BE?!
[an animal] something white
[a fruit] ice cream?
[a vegetable] cabbage
[color] white
[a bug] butterfly
SHORT ANSWER!
[are you smart?] yes
[do you like onions?] no
[what instruments can you play?] synths
[what words do you overuse?] I just pout
[do you like to finger-paint?] I’d love to!
[do you sleep with socks on?] sometimes
[are you ticklish?] yes I am
[are you shy?] sometimes
[do you talk to yourself?] pfff all the time
[is your house 1, 2, or 3 stories] Penthouse PENTHOUSE
[do you have a basement or an attic?] I don’t like to think of them as either
[did you go to preschool?] yes
[are you a morning person?] yes, as in I look good in the morning :)
My head hurts real bad. It must be because I've been imprisoned in a thought bubble for too long. Oi. There are a lot of things going on. A lot of things that I don't like are going on which isn't strange right? I'm too antisocial for my own good.
Merry Christmas! [Dec. 25] Happy New Year! [Dec 31 - Jan 1] Happy Birthday to Me! [Jan 19] Happy Birthday to Caterina! [Jan 20]
Done.
Little Survey done by Rink that I found and made me incredibly happy.
I am: Rink
I miss: Paris
I want: Snow but I already have it
I have: Snow
I hate: when I don’t know something
I fear: the ones I love against me
I play: everyday
I hear: Well I wanna hear Michel’s violin
I care: a lot
I smile: as much as I want to
I wonder: about the life of a butterfly
I love: YOU
I think: about YOU
I always: want us to be together
I am not: patient either
I dance: when I’m not noticing
I sing: I’m shy about it
I cry: when I want something
I talk about: every single thing
I spilled: the milk this morning
I wish: we were Immortal
I keep: fish
I can: be childish
I can't: share
I write: babble
I lose: patience
I smell: something cold but sweet
I confuse: myself
I need: to cuddle
I should: be working
FIRSTS!
First real memory of something: hands
First screen name: Always "Rink"
First self purchased album: "Nevermind" Nirvana
First funeral: Grandfather
First pets: Digital Fish
First piercing/tattoo: I do in fact have a very small secret tattoo somewhere…
First enemy: The people who choose me as their enemy first
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Edith Piaf
LASTS
Last big car ride: Boston, Mass to Detroit, Mich (oh...) and I was blindfolded
Last beverage drank: Ah! I'm thirsty!
Last food consumed: crackers and cheese
Last phone call: Vero
Last time showered: about 10 minutes ago
Last shoes worn: socks, cause I’m sick :(
Last annoyance: having no snow, but that was quickly fixed :)
Last website visited: www.deadjournal.com/users/michelangelo
Last kiss: two seconds ago
Last beach trip: this weekend
THIS OR THAT!
[skimpy or grannies?] I don't like panties
[scream or scream2 or scream3?] scream
[preppy or punk?] a mixture of both
[salt or pepper?] salt
[okay, ok, or o.k.?] oki doki
[bright colors or dark colors?] just white
[tic-tacs or certs?] are you implying anything cause I brush my teeth
[rain or snow?] snow
[sun or moon?] moon
[silver or gold?] silver
[silk, cotton, or flannel sheets?] cotton
[preps or freaks?] eh?
[popcorn-with or w/out butter?] with
[ketchup, mayo, mustard, or relish?] mayo
[shampoo+conditioner in one or separate?] separate
IF YOU WERE ___ WHAT WOULD YOU BE?!
[an animal] something white
[a fruit] ice cream?
[a vegetable] cabbage
[color] white
[a bug] butterfly
SHORT ANSWER!
[are you smart?] yes
[do you like onions?] no
[what instruments can you play?] synths
[what words do you overuse?] I just pout
[do you like to finger-paint?] I’d love to!
[do you sleep with socks on?] sometimes
[are you ticklish?] yes I am
[are you shy?] sometimes
[do you talk to yourself?] pfff all the time
[is your house 1, 2, or 3 stories] Penthouse PENTHOUSE
[do you have a basement or an attic?] I don’t like to think of them as either
[did you go to preschool?] yes
[are you a morning person?] yes, as in I look good in the morning :)
My head hurts real bad. It must be because I've been imprisoned in a thought bubble for too long. Oi. There are a lot of things going on. A lot of things that I don't like are going on which isn't strange right? I'm too antisocial for my own good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)