And it appears that I have died and went to Hell. This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm having a bad day.
Screw it. Maybe I am.
I'm staying at Nathan's house for Christmas with Rink. Allow me to explain how this is possible and how I'm not in Vienna, how it should be. Rink is related to Nathan [did I explain this before? I don't remember] because he is Nathan's dad's brother. Meaning, yes, Nathan's uncle. Didn't see that coming now did you? so since I'm here, might as well stay here for Christmas. Marie [Nathan's mom] cooks deliciously and she has this big dinner prepared for us all. And guess what? my once knight-in-shining-armor Giovanni and my sister, Katzereine are here with us as well. Though I'm thinking they'll leave tomorrow since Giovanni is part of the Milazzo's and the Milazzo's have big family parties. Those must be fun.
Either way- I'm feeling like crap. Ok. No, not like crap exactly. Like, I dunno. Strange. I made Rink feel bad and I didn't want to. I made him feel unwanted.
Stop throwing me tomatoes you assholes. Ok a few, I deserve it.
And since this is my journal and I can do whatever I want in it, I'll bother to explain a few things. First and foremost, I love Rink. I do. He's the only one that I've ever felt so close to, that I could talk about almost anything out of the top of my head, that could bare me with all my flaws popping out of me, etc. You know the drill. I mean these things. He's the only one I could go out and do all kinds of things. He's so childish that he makes you feel like a centenary mummy. We have our bad moments but we work hard to fix it.
With Nathan in my life now, I found a new best friend, considering that Benjamin no longer talks to me ever since I told him that I couldn't see him as anymore than a friend and that I would appreciate it if he stopped bothering Rink. I miss him every now and then but nothing completely heartbreaking. I'm too possessive and overprotective of Rink. I'm willing to give up everything for his sake. Yes. It IS obsessive but trust me, you would too if you were in my position. Which brings us to another interesting part of this all.
Rink hardly has any friends and it makes me happy -in a very sick way- that he doesn't. This means that he can focus all his energy on me, on being with me, etc which makes me happy. But then my concious -still surprised it works- nags me about that. It's not healthy to focus on only ONE person in your ENTIRE life you know. He needs to socialize, meet new people, maybe that can make him happy. And yet I don't want that! I'm so frickin' insecure that I think he'll jump on a plane with a hot guy who is his 'best friend' and then he'll go away to some exotic destination because that guy is probably less dysfunctional than me. Actually- most of the world population is less dysfunctional than me. Wait, I'm giving them too much credit.
So what can I do? I'm concerned that some dude would want to be his friend as to take advantage of him. And I can't follow him EVERYWHERE because he'll get mad and one hell of a big tirade will ensue. And then I'll get all emotional and crap, so no. I mean sure I want whats best for him [sounds like a kid] but I don't want to do something I'll regret. Then again, it seems like I don't trust Rink which isn't the case. I just know that he's really a good guy deep down and would never doubt of someone who seems genuinely interested in friendship. So I want to take all of those assholes who want to hurt him and burn them in a big cauldron before I send straight to hell. Or I could just send them to Sperm Donor so he could tamper into their heads so bad that they'll be turned into shit in no time. Hmm. Re-thinking that I don't want to give that man the benefit of a profit :P
Though considering all the shit we've gone through, that's a petty melodramatic concern of mine. There are people that are going through worst cases right now. For example: Nathan likes Katzereine but Katzereine and Giovanni have something going on. So Giovanni [holy hell that was one hell of a big firework that scared the beejesus out of me! <-- Mr. McVegas influence] is all mafia-ish and crap. Nathan is crush-struck, Katzereine probably doesn't have a clue but I know she likes Giovanni and Giovanni likes Katzereine too. That's bound to be entertaining considering they are all under the same roof. Nathan stole a kiss from Giovanni too. Who would have thought? I loathe him. Anyways... there is also something going on with Nicholas. He's glaring at Nathan much more than usual, and he spends the day locked in his room or he goes off to wander around the property and returns really late almost blue from the cold. He also has a "I've-been-thinking-too-much" face and I'm really DYING to know what it is. Mind you, in case you couldn't guess, I'm not the type to just walk up to people and ask what's wrong. Besides, I feel that if I do, he'll bite my hand off. He's THAT bitchy.
Right now he's infront of me. He's sitting in front of the fireplace listening to something in his headphones while he stares blankly at the fire. God- he looks like a sick puppy dog. Pffft. It's a bit amusing. He does remind me of Rink a bit.
Suddenly all the subjects I had in my head left me in a blink of an eye other than yeah, I need to be a better boyfriend and I have to wrap Rink's Christmas present up.
