Replaced

I've been replaced, shunned, pushed aside... I'm not priority. Well, are we surprised? Why OF COURSE NOT. I've been pushed aside ever since this fucking new year started... right in the middle of the first month. Things have been loosing pace, loosing pretty much everything.

SHE is in the picture. Now he has to focus on HER. And moi? Why on the last table in the far corner beyond the rooms where the kings normally keep their mistresses. Since I'm a MALE mistress. Good grief, shoot me. What on earth am I rambling about? so? it was like this in the very beginning, no?

But things change.

Then again, I won't have to worry in the sense of me being a complete sadistic asshole [you know, the real me before Rink] I just have to remember the following:
-Rink kissing Ashley
-Rink and Ashley doing it
-Rink wanting to reproduce with a baboon-- ahem, Ashley
-Rink being a parent
-Rink paying attention and being amused by Ashley
-Rink smiling at Ashley
-Rink laughing with Ashley
-Rink touching Ashley
-Rink telling Ashley that he loves her
-Rink... doing anything with Ashley

[demn, I'm getting all depressed.]

Fucker. I hate people. This is the main reason. You fall in love, and the pain intensifies times a million, AND this is when they most hurt you. Christ! what cruel irony is this? I'm sorry, I love you and I can't bare you two together. I rather stab myself, drink poison and then jump off a plane without a parachute before seeing anymore of you. And what am I in the story? the one who follows the little thing around, harrasses and bothers everyone. And no one loves me... well, maybe Vero a little.

I'm all alone again and it sucks. We Stockers cannot be left alone damn it. We die.

Why can't I be one of those that hangs on to memories
And dies with them enveloped in their heart
As the most precious thing
The world could ever give them part

I'll let the moon cradle me gently
Until I fall asleep and then I'll cry
My tears becoming stars
My eyes as red as Mars

When I go down to earth and find your window
I'll sing you a song once you sleep
So I can live in your dreams
In your everflowing stream

I can't beg you to love me
I can't beg you to embrace me
I can't beg you to hold me
Only that you never forget me.

-Me [10:25 pm]

Long time no write.

...
*sigh*
...

I'll go find myself beneath my covers. That's where I last saw me. Can you help me? you took away that small part of me, that ever loved. If you don't want it, you can always return it. Love for me, has no time nor space, much less gender, race or age... to me, love is love. You are LOVE for me, you are my love, regardless of time going by... regardless of lovers. You'll be forever beautiful in my eyes. It matters not if you don't love me. I'll be watching you, nonetheless. In this world where love is but an illusion, I want you to be my reality.

I'm a disgusting romantic fag, I know. Shoot me now.

Secrecy

A secret can hurt. A secret can hurt when a relationship is secret. Well, not really secret. It hurts a million times more when you have to be pushed aside for a while, this other part of me, this other relationship needs my time. Yeah. I understand. I would want time with you too. Afterall, love makes you a sorry dependant fuck so why wouldn't that be in the equation as well?

I feel so jealous and sad. I don't want to jump to any drastic emotions. I want to remain numb forever. I've said that before. It's so delicious to be numb, to not feel anything, to be completely sedated from pain, hurt, jealousy and those mundane feelings that could destroy anyone.

St. Valentine's is right there... right there around the corner and I'll most probably spend it watching them. That's my new job nowadays. But I already knew that. Life is never fair to anyone. Love hurts endlessly, needlessly.

I'm really surprised with myself, I never expected to be this way with someone whom I knew had 'something' with another girl. So? I shouldn't worry. But I'm selfish, so I do. I want him all to myself but I can't say that. I can't be selfish, I can't say anything...

Mirror lie to me
And let me see what I dream to be
Not what I really am.
[/poetic moment]

He sent me a card though... yay.

*proceeds to sit alone in a corner and sing to himself*

--

Good grief. A 'baby' now is in the picture. After he swore he wouldn't reproduce, because he just couldn't... but he chose her after all. She must be so special. She really must be. The way he was hugging her and smiling, and then a Valentine date.

It's killing me...

I know I've sinned before but... I didn't think it would hurt this much. This isn't my reality. I wonder what reality HE prefers? I can't ask him that. I can't say anything.

I've been listening to all kinds of romance songs, tomorrow being that dreaded Valentines. I can feel my heart tearing, even if my headphones are blasting against my ears. I close my eyes, I prefer to not think at all. Everything hurts right now. I don't care for my own happiness; irrelevant, it's irrelevant. I just want you with me... why does that seem so much now? But I guess that means I DO want my own happiness.

*shoots self*